Chapter 3
Transcendent Quality of Remembrance
Chapter 3 of 26
SubversaA/U. In a postwar world, members of the Order and the DA are sent together into hiding. Trapped in claustrophobic circumstances, plagued by inexplicable dreams, surrounded by her closest friends - and her most dreaded adversary - Hermione struggles to come to terms with her postwar life.
Chapter 3
Even through the darkest phase, be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave, here beneath my skin
Constant Craving - by k d lang
2 July, 1998
Hermione trailed up the staircase, her feet like lead and her mind in turmoil. The card game had ended, and everyone had put out the lights and headed upstairs, voices hushed in an effort not to disturb those who had already retired. Lupin left them on the first floor, then all her schoolmates went to their second floor rooms, and Hermione was left to climb the final flight of steps on her own.
Would the professor be awake or asleep? Would he be in the bed or on the floor? Which would be worse? If he was in the bed, she'd be forced to choose between a comfortable sleep on a mattress or a cold, uncomfortable time on the uncarpeted floor. If he was on the floor, then that meant he had conceded the bed to her, and she could sleep there ... undisturbed.
But how would she feel if he was on the floor? What would it be like to know that he'd rather sleep on the hard floor than lie down next to her, even for something as innocent as a decent night's sleep?
She stopped halfway up the flight and sagged onto a step, her hands over her face. There was no one who knew her situation...no one in whom she could confide...and what was there to tell, really, when she didn't remember properly?
It wasn't that she was afraid of him. In truth, she scarcely knew him better now than she had done when they married. He had insisted that she maintain her sleeping quarters in his rooms, but she had spent little time there. As a Gryffindor prefect, she'd had many duties, in addition to her studies and her efforts on Harry's behalf, which had kept her busy from cockcrow to midnight. She and her husband had seldom crossed paths; when they had met by chance in his sitting room, he had usually been perfectly civil to her.
The times when he had not been civil were memorable.
'Why must I live with you?' she had demanded during their prenuptial negotiations. 'It's not as if we'll actually have a relationship with one another!'
He had sat across the table from her in a room off Dumbledore's office, away from the listening ears of the previous headmasters' portraits. His posture in his enveloping black robes had been rigidly erect, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, his dirty hair hanging about his face like stringy black curtains. His lip had lifted in a signature Snape sneer.
'How do you propose to present a front as a married couple if you continue to live in your dormitory like a schoolgirl?' he had inquired icily. 'Your position as the wife of a fully qualified wizard...the purpose for this farce, I might remind you...will be unassailable in my quarters. You will be safe there. The matter is not up for negotiation. Move to the next point on your agenda.'
Hermione pressed her fingers against her eyes so hard she saw lights behind her lids. He had kept her safe. That had been no idle promise on his part. And what had she done, beyond flouting and aggravating him?
'I've honoured our bargain,' she muttered aloud, dropping her hands to her lap.
But it had been easy to do at Hogwarts. All she'd had to do was sit with him at the High Table for dinner every night, per their agreement...only dinner...she could do what she liked the other meals. He had required no other show of wifely devotion of her there.
She drew in a deep breath. She couldn't spend the night sitting in the staircase; it was rather cold, and she'd never get comfortable. Besides, if she were discovered, that would definitely breach their agreement, the purpose of which, as far as Hermione could determine, was to shield Severus Snape from any hint of embarrassment. He had not specifically told her so, but Minerva McGonagall had explained it with great delicacy on Hermione's wedding day.
'Severus is a good man, and an honourable one,' McGonagall had said, avoiding Hermione's eyes in the mirror as she pinned a wedding wreath in her hair, 'but he's suffered some ... disappointments in life. It is ... important than he not be ridiculed in any way.'
It had seemed a rather vague explanation to Hermione, but it was all she got, and she dealt with it. She was good at dealing, when it was necessary. For now, the necessary action was to go to the room where Severus Snape was sleeping and shut herself in with him for several hours.
She only wished it didn't make her feel so anxious.
The odd dreams had begun several weeks before, flashes of heat...of passion...so intense that she'd woken from them disturbed and ... well, aroused. There had been two occasions when she had woken after experiencing an orgasm in her sleep...something that had never happened to her before. And the most embarrassing thing of all was that the dreams, indistinct as they were, were about her husband. There was no question but that his voice, his hands, his lean, lithe body, were the ones she dreamed of...and there was equally no question but that the emotions stirred by the dreams were beginning to bleed over into her waking hours.
It was at its worst in his presence, and the scent of his aftershave doubled the intensity of the dream-memories. Still, it was her duty to go to him now, uncomfortable or not.
'So be the brave Gryffindor and face your fears,' she chastised herself. 'Go to bed!'
And rising to her feet, she trudged off to what felt like her doom.
Hermione entered the room as quietly as she could, desperately wishing for the use of her wand to muffle the creak of the door and the sound of her footsteps upon the floor. One candle burned, on a table on the far side of the bed; on the near side, a man-sized lump loomed under the covers. She held her breath and froze in place when she closed the door behind her, but the professor neither stirred nor spoke, so after a short time, she moved across the room.
She had hastily departed the room before she finished unpacking her things, and the neat stack of clothing she had left on the end of the bed was gone. There was an indistinct dark shape against the far wall, though, and reaching it, she was relieved to find that it was her rucksack, with her things piled atop it. Oddly enough, her plain white cotton nightdress was the first thing she found. Had he fished it out and put it on top, making it easy for her to find? No, she wouldn't think about those elegant, long-fingered hands amongst her underthings...she wouldn't.
Pulling the nightdress over her head, she turned her back to the bed and pulled her arms from her tee-shirt, finagling it from beneath the nightdress neckline to pull it over her head. The rest was easier to manage, dropping her bra on top of the tee-shirt and toeing off her trainers before wriggling out of her jeans. She left her discarded clothing in a pile and slipped into the narrow space between the wall and the bed, only large enough to accommodate the slim bedside table where the candle rested. Why couldn't he have taken this side of the bed, rather than make her wriggle into this impossibly small space?
She turned the covers back, and in the light of the candle, she saw a most disturbing prospect...the naked shoulders and back of her husband as he lay upon his side, facing away from her. The pale skin was faintly golden in the candlelight, marred in irregular slashes by what appeared to be scars. There was a slight concavity tracing the line of his spine, and his shoulder blades were in stark relief, like the incipient wings of a dark angel.
Stop it! she chided herself, but it was already too late; at the sight of the lean, lightly muscled expanse of his flesh, a familiar ache began, low in her abdomen.
Oh, not again.
She blew out the candle and clambered into the high bed, careful to keep to the edge of the mattress. It wasn't as if she'd never been on a bed with him before, she reasoned. But he had never so much as hinted to her that he wished to repeat the grim act of consummation they had endured together, and she would certainly never suggest it. Although ... it was true that since the end of the war, his looks had improved tremendously. Regular sleep had removed the impossibly dark circles about his eyes, improved digestion had permitted him to partake more heartily of nourishment and filled out his somewhat skeletal frame...just look at him now! her unhelpful inner voice urged...and she was quite sure that he was bathing more frequently, taking more pains with his personal hygiene.
Not helping, she thought, squinching her eyes closed more tightly, as if doing so would remove the memory of his naked body from her mind. But was he completely naked? Had he thought this little forced holiday would be an opportunity to ... make their marriage real? Had she actually disappointed him by staying downstairs to play cards?
She lay very still on her pillow, desperately willing herself not to think about Severus Snape or the dreams which increasingly haunted her sleep, and fisted her hands at her sides, determined not to ... But as she trembled beside him, he shifted in his sleep, turning towards her, and the sandalwood and musk of his signature scent wafted over her, like an incitement to riot.
The heat in the pit of her belly increased, spreading through her bloodstream like a sensual poison. Biting her lip nearly hard enough to draw blood, she turned her head on her pillow towards him, peering in the darkness to detect any sign of wakefulness, but his breathing was deep and even.
Thank Merlin for small mercies, she thought inanely, even as she insinuated one hand down the front of her knickers, fingers seeking and finding the slick, warm cleft of her quim. The gasp of pleasurable relief escaped her in spite of the grip on her lip, and in her desperation to squelch the sound, she bit harder. The taste of blood on her tongue was not too high a price to pay as she spread moisture from within over swollen, needful flesh, her fingers busy about the work they had come to know very well.
She made no effort now to stop the flittering, rippling images that flashed through her mind like a silent Muggle film. His hot mouth upon her breast, pulling the nipple between his lips...and then he was rising above her, shoulders blocking the light, the tips of long black hair kissing the skin of her face. Her gaze travelled down his wiry frame to the thick, engorged member jutting from the tangle of his pubic hair, and then he was within her, filling her, driving them both, until her entire world was down to the scorching point of light where their bodies joined and became one ...
The orgasm exploded behind her closed eyes in a wash of light so intense that the dream images were burned away, and all that was left was Hermione, her breathing irregular, her heart beating too fast, and the fingers she removed from between clenched thighs, sticky and fragrant of a sated need she could neither explain nor accept.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Transcendent Quality of Remembrance
517 Reviews | 6.43/10 Average
It is amazing to me that a story, in which the surprises and slow unraveling of the tale are at the heart of the storytelling, can be so captivating and delightful upon re-read. Thanks for warming my cold winter morning. I hope you are well and finding success in real life writing. And thinking about finishing Owned. Shit, did I say that out loud?! Oops. :)
Oh my god. I LOVED IT!!!! I cried, laughed, sighed, gasped and smiled during this...ALOT. It was so well written. I read it all in one sitting. THAT'S HOW BRILLIANT IT WAS! Definitely one of my favorite stories and one of the best I've read. Was so good. Am so happy I stumbled upon it. Keep writing!
Oh my god. I LOVED IT!!!! I cried, laughed, sighed, gasped and smiled during this...ALOT. It was so well written. I read it all in one sitting. THAT'S HOW BRILLIANT IT WAS! Definitely one of my favorite stories and one of the best I've read. Was so good. Am so happy I stumbled upon it. Keep writing!
Dear Subversa,
I am writing to inform you that you've been nominated for the following category for the Fall-Winter 2013 Round of The HP Fanfic Fan Poll Awards (hpfanficfanpoll . livejournal . com):
SHIP: SNAPE X HERMIONE
CATEGORY: BEST DRAMA-ANGST for "Transcendent Quality of Remembrance"
You need not take any other action at this time, unless you would like to reject the nomination. In that case, please contact us and we'll remove the nomination and contact the person who nominated you to let them know your decision.
We have an "I've been nominated" banner on our website for you to post on your blogs/Tumblr/Twitter/Facebook pages right now, if you wish. The banner can be found here:
hpfanficfanpoll . livejournal . com / 20115 . html.
The nominations period ends on October 28, 2013.
The voting period will commence on November 1, 2013 and close on December 31, 2013 (that gives two full months to read and consider the nominated fics).
Our awards ceremony is open to the public to vote, and we encourage you to ask your friends/family to participate. We will tally up all votes and announce winners on or before January 10, 2014. Please check back then to see if your stories placed, or add us as a FRIEND on Livejournal so you can get emails when that list is broadcast on our blog. Banners for your nominations/placements will be available at that time, too.
Congratulations on your nomination!
Sincerely,
Melissa, The HP Fanfic Fan Poll Awards Moderator
Great Story!
Goodness, it's taken me forever to get here to review. I do most of my reading on my phone these days, and it is a real pain to type anything of substance. And this, the final chapter of this wonderful tale, and also of your fanfic career, deserves more than two lines, painfully input from my keypad.
The letter that Hermione wrote to Severus was perfect. Mostly, because she really hit the nail on the head; would Severus has acted as he did without the Lethe Elixir? I don't know how the answer to that can be anything but no. And he realizes this.
The clever man knew his wife couldn't resist picking up the pony, and good thing, too. I love that it was incorporated into the story one more time.
At the cottage, there is no drawn out angsty fight ... just them getting back to good. I love that this came back as well:
'"I believe it is customary to begin with a kiss,"
And once again they are in bed in the cottage ... the place where they seem most right. It is just like the honeymoon, only this time there is no ticking timebomb in the background, so they have the luxury of sleep.
The situation with her moving to the states and attending university couldn't have gone any better. The job Severus was given is the perfect solution for them to be together. I was afraid he might have to teach again. :) It was such a relief to me as the reader, I can only imagine how excited they are.
And the end paints such a tranquil picture. I can picture nothing but a happily ever after for them. Which is all we've ever wanted, of course.
You've wrapped things up very nicely, something I've always loved about your stories. I am sorry to see you go. This is the end of an era, if I ever saw one. But, you might as well try your hand at ofic. If you love the characters you create half as much as you do these two, and if you throw yourself into it wholeheartedly as you always have, I can't imagine a scenario in which you don't succeed. So, best of luck to you. I only ask that you keep us updated on the progress with your original work. I'm pretty LJ impaired, but perhaps I'll have to friend you to follow your progress.
I've been meaning to thank you for writing for weeks! This was such a wonderful story. The core of it - Hermione's voluntary memory loss - fueled such rich portraits of both characters. Their internal thoughts and lives were so beautifully rendered. It was a joy to read.
Also, steamy ;)
That was a beautiful, fitting ending, with all the loose ends tied up very nicely. I especially liked the part where tears may have been shed - I was crying inside with them.
Thank you so much for writing this fic and everything else you have done for the fandom. Again, all the best with your original work - it would be a shame if the world outside our little slice of fanfiction heaven don't get to enjoy your talents like we did here!
Not gonna lie, went back here today praying there was an epi or one more chapter. So hard letting go of this. Thank you for everything xo
I really loved your story, and thank you for sharing it with us all. I'm a bit of a playlist junkie too when writing, so I can understand what you mean about the songs. Anyways, I know you said you had no more plans to write, but I sincerely hope you will change your mind and that inspiration strikes soon! :)
WOW. I read this at one sitting, and am now up two hours' past bedtime, because I had to discover the next twist. I am so glad I had the patience to wait for TQoR to be completed before reading, because I think I would have gone mad waiting for updates.
Good luck with the o-fic, judging by your fanfic I'm sure it will be wonderful.
What a lovely final chapter, all tied up perfectly. Thankyou for being such an amazing writer and for sharing your stories with us, I hope you return to us in the future, we will be here waiting! I'll keep an eye on LJ for your progress, good luck with your writing! P.S You note at the beginning brought a tear to my eye, what a softie I am!!
Thank you for writing this sweet and at times heart wrenching story. I kept being impatient for her to remember, but then she did and the story ended. Careful what you wish for.....
Well written, great arc, thanks!
Oh! I forgot to thank you for the song! I've never heard of Default before. I really liked it. It's goes perfectly with the end of this story, too. Thanks for the new band.
(I don't really live under a rock or anything. I hope I'm not too lame for not knowing about someone that everyone else knows about. I just seldom listen to the radio these days with 3000 songs on the ipod in the car. Now I have one to add.)
Well, that certainly couldn't have turned out any better, could it have! I still think Severus keeping the secret is bullocks, but the cat's out of the box now, and he needed something this crazy to happen before he was going to allow himself to love and be loved. I'm glad that Hermione could see that.
Hermione is going to have to get over her issues with his dark magic past. That's part of the package. It's also part of what makes her sexy potions master so sexy. He wouldn't be who he is without that part of him. 
I could be wrong, but if I were Hermione, I don't think I could be busy enough not to miss him while he's traveling. Hopefully they'll have plenty of nights sharing their successes and making small talk over tea or a glass of wine. I'm so glad for Severus that he has not only got the girl, but he got the job of his dreams to boot. He deserved it.
Well, I will miss this story, that's for sure. I have a couple of plot bunnies to float if you ever want to get back into the SS/HG ship. I'll never be able to do what you have done with them. Thank you so much for the wonderful happy ending. I'll have to keep checking your livejournal to know what you are up to next. Kisses and hugs. Susan
Be still, my heart. When Hermione walked into the kitchen at the Cottage to find an encore of their wedding night supper I thought I'd die of joy. It was wonderful. I wanted to kiss Severus right then and there. What a fitting tribute to their marriage, their love for each other, and a balm so soothe them after all the heart ache and downright hard work they had done to reclaim what rightfully theirs.
I thought the My Little Pony Portkey was ingenious! Knowing that she wouldn't be able to resist picking it up if she saw it in his bedroom, what better way to spirit her away from the castle and to their true haven–not the one in the forest, but the honeymoon cottage with the large, squishy yellow sofa and two matching armchairs.
I wanted to cheer when Hermione saw that she had been accepted at the Salem Witches' Institute, and I'm certain they will be very happy there. They have such a rich future ahead of them, and I thank you for that. This entire story has been a joy to share with you and all the other readers.
I wish you every success and happiness, my friend. I have learned so much from you and your "fevered imagination." Getting to know you through your writing and LJ has been a rare privilege and I believe that the Transcendent Quality of Remembrance I have acquired will keep you in my thoughts and my heart forever. I hope to see you dropping by fandom every once in a while, and I will follow you on LJ just so I know what's happening in your and SubHub's lives. Hugs to all your family and a special "Beffey kiss" for the Beetle.
You ROCK! I'm looking forward to reading your ofic. A Thousand Points to Your House! (Severus said so.)
Beth
So beautiful.... after everything they've been through, their love was enough to overcome the misunderstanding and the potion's effects. What beautiful furutres you've given them - Severus as resarcher, Hermione as a student in anything she wants to learn, and traveling around the world together, unencumbered.
THANK YOU for this story. I just hope it's not your farewell to the fandom. You know that we will be eagerly watching for your o-fic career, and loving you and SubHub forever and always.
Lovely ending and tie up of all the loose ends. I'll miss your stories; you are one of my favourite authors, but I'll look forward to hearing about your new endeavours on LJ! :D
Loved this story as much as I love you Sub. You are sooooo talented!
Loves you, Sonia :)
Brava, my dear. A fitting end to a compelling tale.
That was absolutely perfect.
BRAVA - this was truly a work of which you may be proud!!! I'm sad to see it go, but it really has run its course, and I will look forward to whatever you write next. Author Alerts ROCK! :)
Much love!!
Hi Subversa,
I can hardly believe that this enchanting story is over, just as our favorite couple's lives together are only beginning. What a wonderful treat it would be to look in on them in about five years. As you and SubHub know, when it is true love, it just gets better and better. I have been with my husband almost 22 years now, but we were in our 30s when we tied the knot, so we have a ways to go to catch up with you two. I like to think Severus and Hermione will outlive us all and live happily ever after for a very long time, since they are magical folk. I suppose through the miracle of the written word, in a way they will. And you have been one of the best of many authors to give them the chance to be happy together (unlike JKR-- I will never forgive her for what she did to Severus).
This story is, as all of your other works, enchanting (did I already mention that?) and very well written. Your words weave a complex scene full of emotions and tactile experiences. I almost feel like I'm there with them, becoming one of them through your words. Beautiful. I will watch your progress in the realm of original fiction with interest. That is how Stephenie Meyer got her start. Why can't you?
Best wishes for your future as a writer. You have at least one fan in me.
I'm so happy how things ended. I'm very happy that Severus planned on going to America with Hermione. I was so worried about them resolving things, but I'm glad they did.
I'll have to remember to leave a proper review later on, but for now I just have to tell you that this ending is completely and utterly perfect.
The world of fanfiction will be poorer without you, but I wish you the best of luck in your ofic endeavours.
I have spend a nicely 26 weeks reading your beautifle story .I thank you for writting it , and I realy anjojed reading it.My friday was spend waiting for more chapter to come.I am realy sad that it and it ,but I love it from start till the and. And the and is magnificant.Realy , I fope that You plan to writt a new story ,because realy You are very good at it. My congratulations,
and my thanks for pleasure in reading .
Best regards from Lora.