Forgetting

I wandered out to the garden and sat down on the stone bench to wait for Severus. I was still working on calming myself when he stepped out of the house.

"Shall we?" He held out his hand and helped me to my feet. He tucked my hand underneath his arm, and we starting walking towards the stables.

As we walked, he told me about the parts of the grounds we were passing. We stopped in a clearing; the stables were at the bottom of the hill. He conjured a blanket and placed it out on the ground. Sitting down, he pulled me down next to him and continued telling me about the types of creatures we would find in the stables. He really was quite knowledgeable on the topic.

"How is it that you know so much of the Malfoys? Were you raised in their circle?"

He laughed darkly. "No, my father was a blue-collar Muggle. I was raised in a poor neighborhood near the mill where my father worked. Mother was from a pureblood family, but most of them shunned us for her marriage to my father. My grandmother was the exception, but Grandfather was domineering, and she didn't dare defy him." He sighed.

"Grandmother was orphaned at a young age. She became a ward of the Malfoys; that's where my family link to the Malfoys developed. They introduced her to Grandfather Prince. Grandfather Prince died when I was twelve. Grandmother tried to make amends with Mother at that point, but it was always strained, and Mother died when I was sixteen. Grandmother was always kind to me, despite her history with my parents." His voice contained a trace of sadness.

"Is your grandmother still alive?"

"She moved to Ireland during the first war. No one has ever contacted me about the Prince estate, and I'm the only blood relative, so it seems she's still alive." He turned and looked at me. "But what about you, you seem very at ease with all of this? The Malfoys intimidate almost everyone, but you don't seem rattled."

"My mother's family is very upper crust. American Muggle upper crust, but you would be amazed at the similarities. My grandmother would find Narcissa to be positively delightful."

"And you don't?"

"That's not it; don't twist my words, Severus. Grandmother finds me less than delightful."

"And why is that?"

"There are a multitude of reasons. Probably the most damning element of my character is that I've never been all that interested in finding a husband. I've been known to attend society functions without an escort, and I sometimes skip them altogether in favor of attending a lecture or a conference in order to further my career."

"Oh, the scandal, Elizabeth, how do you live with yourself?"

"Mother isn't like them. She was a bit of a rebel as well. While attending grad school overseas, she married an older man who already had children. He was not considered a good choice. Then, when they found out he was a wizard, well, you can imagine how that went over with them.

"But, don't get me wrong. My grandparents are good people, but they don't deal well with change and differences from their own experiences."

"They sound a lot like the wealthy pureblood culture."

"Exactly, that's my point."

"Do you enjoy being a Healer?"

"I do. I like the puzzle solving aspect of it. I probably would not have made it as a Muggle doctor. Wizarding medicine is different. It's more formulaic, more mathematical."

"Less messy, too," Severus chuckled at me. I laughed at the joke at my expense.

"You are right. I wasn't prepared for the battle, professionally or emotionally. What we are doing here with research and developing treatment plans, that's the type of medicine I enjoy."

"You handled the battle just fine, Elizabeth. If it hadn't affected you, I would question your sense of empathy."

I smiled weakly, trying to hold myself together. "Thank you. I just wish I could have done more. There was so much death, so much loss." He pulled me close. I melted into him. The tears I'd been holding in all this time flowed. He wrapped his arms around me, strong and warm.

"Let go, Elizabeth. Let go. You've been so strong, and you've done so much." He tightened his arms around me.

"How can I fall apart when others have lost so much more? How selfish is that?" I buried my face in his shoulder.

"It isn't selfish. You are sad about the pain of others. You've been holding a sense of responsibility for things that you didn't cause."

I looked up at him through my tears. "Pot ... meet kettle."

He took my face in his hand and stroked my cheek with his long fingers. "Elizabeth, don't deflect. I told you; tonight is about you."

"I don't want to spend it crying, Severus." I wiped my eyes and tried to collect myself.

"I doubt this takes all evening. But you've bottled this up to the point that you are about to explode. And, even if it does take all evening, that's fine. I'm not going anywhere. I told you before, I've spent my whole life alone, and I'm not going to rush this."

I leaned in and kissed him. It was a kiss of gratitude rather than passion. Thankfully, he understood and just held me for several minutes.

"You don't have to atone for Fred's death, Elizabeth, or the loss of Remus and Tonks. Nor are you responsible for what happened to your father and brothers. You cannot accept responsibility for the actions of others. You can try to make it right when you have the opportunity, like you are doing with those eight people in the house. You saved me and many other people the night of the battle. Kingsley said he is considering nominating you for an Order of Merlin."

"That's absurd. It was my job." I huffed in annoyance.

"Shhh .... I told him you would say that. He still wants to reward you; I told him that a well-placed reference to your final choice of employment would please you more. I hope I did not overstep."

"How do you know me so well?"

"I've been watching your every move since I first laid eyes you. I'll admit, at first it was probably not for reasons you would approve of; I was fascinated with the resemblance to Lily. But you, Elizabeth, are not Lily, and it didn't take long to see you as Elizabeth and not as the woman that looks like Lily."

"I've been carrying around the guilt from my father and brothers for years."

"Let me ask you a question. Is their death your mother's fault?"

"Of course not!" My voice was sharper than I intended. Severus raised an eyebrow at me. "I know. It's no more logical to blame myself."

"But it is in your nature, my dear. As logical as you are, as you try to project to the world, you are an emotional creature as well."

"Are you calling me a Gryffindor?"

"No, Elizabeth, I'm calling you human. It's okay to let the rest of us see that now and again."

I hugged him again. "Thank you, Severus. I've not had a confidante, not really, since I arrived in England. Actually, far longer than that, but my life in Boston was honestly pretty simple."

"Is that what you want out of life again?"

I considered his question. "Maybe not that simple, I shut myself off from others too much back then. I think I've learned some lessons this past year about taking risks. Those lessons probably apply in less chaotic times as well."

"So, am I a risk?" He turned his head to the side in question.

I laughed, "Um, yeah, this is definitely a huge risk for me. So far, though," I slid my arms around his neck, "the reward seems pretty appealing."

"This is out of my comfort zone as well, Elizabeth. I haven't had an emotional connection with a woman in over twenty years. It's both exciting and unnerving at the same time."

"Well, I guess it's good that we're similarly off-balance," I said. He laughed. He reached down and opened the picnic basket that had appeared next to him a moment before. He pulled out a plate of sandwiches, some lovely salads, and a bottle of wine. "It seems the house-elves approve of us spending time together. This is quite a fine vintage," I commented.

"Oh, I would imagine that was probably Lady Malfoy's contribution," Severus said gently. "She adores you; I hope you realize that."

"She's been lovely to me, really."

"You've been good to Draco, and she's appreciative of that."

"He's a good boy."

"May I ask you a personal question, Elizabeth?"

"Yes."

"How old are you?"

"I'll be thirty-two in the fall. And you?"

"I'm thirty-eight. I didn't mean to pry; I've just heard you make references to your age several times. I don't understand why it's an issue."

"That's probably my Muggle side coming through. Women are encouraged to start their families before thirty-five for medical reasons." He raised his eyebrow at me. I turned crimson. "Oh, heavens, that was awkward."

He laughed. "Don't worry, Elizabeth, I have no doubt if you were out to find a husband, you could do so without resorting to someone such as me. But, that does make sense if you've been told all your life that you are 'old' at thirty-five, why you feel outside the norm to be unmarried now. I think you'll find that the Wizarding world has far more variance on that front."

"I agree. It's just, old habits die hard, I suppose."

"I understand." He poured us each a glass of wine and handed me one. I pulled plates and utensils from the basket. I laughed when I pulled out two beautiful candles from the basket. Severus chuckled. He reached over and touched my face. "I hope you know; this is all completely unnecessary." My insides shook. My resolve to take things slowly was certainly going to be tested with this man.

"Trust me; it is for me as well." I took his hand in mine and squeezed gently. I had to look away to escape from the intensity of his gaze. For the moment, the spell was broken. I offered him the plate in my hand, and I tried to hide my blush. We continued talking as we ate. The conversation was light and pleasant: about the beautiful evening, the grounds and the view. We talked a little about my upbringing, my education, and how I came to be a Healer. After we finished eating, we lay together and enjoyed the wine and continued talking and touching gently. As the sun began to set, Severus stood and helped me to my feet. He called Boppy, and the contents of the picnic vanished as we started walking down the hill to the stables.

The stables were impressive, and I thoroughly enjoyed hearing about the different horses as well as the other magical creatures. We continued to walk through the grounds as the moon rose, talking and stealing the occasional kiss. The night was growing chilly, and he pulled me close to him. I felt amazingly close to the man next to me given the short length of our acquaintance.

He looked at the ground for a moment. "I know I said I didn't want to talk about the press and everything," he paused and looked at me. I could see in his eyes that he was torn. The evening was so lovely, but the decisions to be made were difficult to ignore.

"But it's hard to concentrate on much else, I know." I leaned into his shoulder.

"I think Potter and Lucius may be onto something, regarding controlling the media." It obviously pained him to admit this.

"There's logic to it. It may take the wind out of their sails if you tell the part of the story you are willing to share. They'll still dig for more, but perhaps with less ferocity. And even when they publish junk, at least, people have the original story to compare it to." I reached over and touched his hands.

"Would you be willing to be there? Miss Lovegood is quite the character, as is her father, but they are honest and trustworthy. It would be comforting to have a friendly face," he smiled, touching my hair, "there with me."

"Of course, Severus, I will be there if that is your choice. Do you think that might cause further speculation?"

"Probably, but again, control the story?"

"Surely I'm not part of the story?"

"You did save my life. I'd say you are part of the story, even apart from our current relationship."

"Well, but, that's the part I would think you would want to keep private?"

"I'm a single man, Elizabeth. You're a single woman. We've been thrown together, and we've found ourselves attracted to one another, and we're exploring it. What is wrong with that?"

"Nothing, but don't you think that the 'Lily substitute' stories are going to flow freely?"

"Honestly, that's probably a bigger issue in our more immediate circle. As long as you know that I want you for you, that's all that matters to me. The comparisons to Lily are going to be more difficult for you than for me, I think."

"You are probably right. I don't mean to be insecure about this. Years of conditioning as the woman that is ignored by men."

"Elizabeth, I doubt men ignored you. I wasn't there, but I wonder if they ignored you or if you ignored them. You may have just been so laser focused on other goals that you didn't notice their attentions. Or you may have frightened them away. Not all men respond to women that are strong and intelligent. Or, at least, many require a great deal of encouragement to approach a woman like you.

"You evoke a very male response in Lucius Malfoy of all people. And he is married to, and very much in love with, one of the most objectively beautiful women in our society. The fact that he noticed you is a testament to your 'worthiness' in that regard. He was actually embarrassed by his reaction to you that day in his study."

I laughed. "Well, I didn't exactly play fair that day. I did enlist the assistance of a Veela."

"Don't think I didn't notice how stunning you looked. I could hardly bear to look at you. I'm afraid I treated you rather harshly. I didn't think I stood a chance with you, and it stung."

"Oh, Severus, I was already drawn to you. Not like now, but still, I was already experiencing very confusing feelings." His dark eyes were locked on mine again. His hands snaked around my body, and I was suddenly enveloped in an intense kiss. I wrapped my arms around him. He moaned as my hands slid up his back, and the kiss deepened. Strong hands slid up under my blouse where it had come untucked at my waist. The feel of his fingers against my skin was my undoing.

"Come back to the cottage with me."

"Elizabeth, we don't have to," he breathed, though I could see the desire in his eyes.

"I know." I kissed him again and concentrated on the cottage. The world spun around us, and as we landed in the living room, I smiled up at him.

"Are you sure?"

"Let's just take this as it comes. I trust you. Stay with me tonight."

"My control is hanging on here by a very thin thread, Elizabeth. If you don't intend to make love to me tonight, we need to slow down, right now. I'll stay with you either way, but it's taking every fiber of my self-control not to start tearing your clothes off right now."

That did it for me. My hands slid back around and started unbuttoning his shirt. With each button, the sight before me was more and more arousing. Pale skin, lightly covered by dark hair, greeted my eyes. He was very thin, but his chest was still nicely toned, probably from years of lifting heavy cauldrons as a Potions master. I pressed my lips to the uninjured side of his neck, and he let out the most delicious moan I'd ever heard. I ran my hands over his chest, then unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt and pushed it from his shoulders.

He quickly shrugged out of it and caught my lips in another searing kiss. "I will have you, witch," he growled as we broke the kiss. He kissed me again, and as my hands released his hair from the tie and ran my hands through it, he began working the buttons of my blouse. His hands were unsteady and feverish, fumbling over the buttons. I moved my hands down and started helping him unbutton. He took advantage of the assistance and slid his hands up underneath my blouse in the back, making quick work of my bra hook. I slid my blouse off, and he quickly pulled my bra off and threw it to the side of the room.

The feel of his hands on my breasts was nothing short of glorious, and he was rewarded with the whimper he'd heard earlier that afternoon. I threw my head back, moaning his name as his fingers slid across my nipples. After a few moments, I was starting to feel dizzy, and I pulled him back up to my lips and kissed him deeply again. I took him by the hand and gently led him back towards my bedroom. Once in the room, I kissed him again, and then I whispered to him that I would be right back and slipped into the bathroom.

Thanking Merlin that I'd ordered the contraceptive potion after yesterday's events in the gardens, I quickly opened the package. I downed the potion and looked at myself in the mirror. My lips were swollen with his kisses, my eyes bright, my pulse was racing. There was no doubt. I wanted this more than I'd wanted anything in a very long time.

I exited the bathroom to find Severus lying relaxed across my bed. He was now wearing just his boxers. I stepped out of my shoes and made my way over to the bed. I tentatively unzipped my skirt and pushed it over my hips, letting it fall from my body. The look on Severus' face as his eyes roamed up and down my body sent an amazing shock down my spine. He reached for me and pulled me over to him. I gently straddled him and leaned down to kiss him.

The kiss was gentle, intense, but not frantic. We had reached a point where we knew that we were going to satisfy our lust, so it seemed somehow less urgent. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me against him for a few moments. Then he kissed me again, this time with more passion, and rolled me onto my back. He planted kisses from my earlobe, down my jawline, and then down my neck and collarbone. I was running my hands in small circles on his back as he did this. He reached my breasts, and I gasped, my body responding to his amazing touch. His mouth continued to worship my breasts as his hands slid down and removed my knickers. I slid my hands down gingerly and started to remove his boxers. I blushed at the awkwardness as we removed the last pieces of clothing between us; then, he captured my lips again, his tongue delving deep into my mouth. We kissed ardently for a long time; by the time we separated, we were both breathless.

"Are you ready?" he asked me softly. I nodded gently, nuzzling again into his neck. He quickly muttered a contraceptive charm before reaching down and touching me, making sure I was ready for him.

Our eyes locked as he entered me; I moaned shamelessly at the feeling. He whispered my name as we both stilled, enjoying the feeling and the connection of the moment. Ever so slowly, we began moving together, finding our rhythm and enjoying each other. I ran my hands up and down his sides, grabbing his backside and pulling him in as deeply as I could. I raised my legs and wrapped them around him as he started to quicken the pace, and he let out a string of obscenities that only drove my desire higher.

I could feel my climax building as we continued to move together, our bodies releasing intense heat. "Severus," I moaned, "I'm close."

"Oh, let go my dear, let me see you. Let me see your pleasure." I opened my eyes and we locked gazes again. He reached behind me and grabbed my backside and pulled me towards him, driving that much harder. I screamed his name in release, and my body convulsed around his.

"Elizabeth, gods," he breathed as his orgasm overtook him. I tightened my legs around him as he released, the amazing feeling of our bodies connecting causing my brain to go fuzzy.

He collapsed on me a few moments later, then pulled up and kissed me again, before pulling back and rolling onto his back next to me. I rolled onto my side and draped my body across him. He wrapped both arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"Good night, Severus."

"Good night, Elizabeth." And even though it was quite early, the events of the day and the evening had worn us both out, physically and mentally. Sleep overtook both of us quickly.