How to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I appreciate you taking the time to read this story.

All canon characters belong to JKR.

Thanks to June for all of her help and suggestons.

Chapter 9 – How to get rid of unwanted guests

Lucius excused himself and went into the kitchen. He thought it would be a good opportunity to be alone with Ginny for a while.

In the living room, Severus was pretending to busy himself with some notes he was making. He actually had drawn out a plan that might help in taking down Voldemort. But at that moment he was trying to figure out something even more urgent: how to get Harry and Ron out of the house. Knowing Hermione wouldn't allow him to hex either one, he had to think of something less obvious.

In the kitchen Lucius came up behind Ginny as she was stirring some potatoes into the stew for lunch.

"That smells wonderful," said Lucius.

Ginny jumped slightly and turned around.

"I hope you like it," she said. While her cooking rivaled Molly's in taste, she wondered if Lucius would like it. Was he used to fancier meals? Would her lunch of a simple stew and soda bread be too poor a meal for him? She stopped herself and realized that he was just a wizard like any other. Thinking she best attend to the stew and stop daydreaming about the man in the kitchen with her, she continued cooking.

"I'm sure I will absolutely devour anything you set before me." He smiled as she saw her cheeks flush, and she stopped stirring for a few seconds. She giggled nervously.

"I saw your father today. I wanted to discuss a bit of Order business. He sang your praises in the kitchen, though."

"Well, my mother taught me, and I think she's a fabulous cook." Ginny smiled. She liked the idea of her father and Lucius getting along so well. She couldn't help wondering what else they discussed, other than her cooking.

"He tells me you visit here often, ever since your twin brothers moved back into the Burrow."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Oh yes, Fred and George. I swear, sometimes I wonder if they have a serious bone in their body. I can't stay there with them. They spend the day trying out their new inventions for the shop, which by the way I cannot wait to be finished."

They were so heavily into their conversation, they didn't notice the door open and close on its own.

It was actually little Severus sneaking into the kitchen. He looked at Lucius "chatting" Ginny up, as the younger generation would say. Severus smirked; he recognized when his friend Lucius set his sights on someone, and Ginny had best be keeping a watch on her virtue, as she was dangerously close to losing it.

Severus spotted what he needed and carefully reached up to the counter, then crawled slowly back out into the living room. Thanks to the fact that he had his wand once again, he was able to cast a simple charm making a doppelganger of himself on the living room chair he was occupying before. Then another simple Disillusionment Charm and he was all set. When he sneaked into the kitchen he wasn't seen because Lucius and Ginny were "busy," but in the living room it would have looked suspicious for a saltshaker to be floating around in mid-air.

In his Disillusioned state, Severus approached Harry and began to shake salt on his clothes. When Harry leaned forward, Severus put some salt down the back of his trousers. He also put some down the back of his shirt and another bit on top of his head. Satisfied with his work, he set the shaker down behind the couch and went back to his chair. No one noticed any difference when he ended the spell and took the place of the doppelganger Severus.

Before Severus could put his wand away, Harry began to scratch himself. He scratched at his head and then his neck, and rubbed his back against the couch in the hope of finding some relief.

"Harry, pay attention. I've got my own work to do. I'm not going to spend my entire day trying to get you to understand this, if you aren't willing to listen," said Hermione in a huff.

"I am paying attention. I've just become itchy all of a sudden." Harry now began to wiggle around where he sat. He didn't realize he was spreading the salt not only to his ass crack, but also to his balls. "What the hell?" he began to scratch his crotch.

"Potter, do you mind? If you want to have a wank, do us all a favor and excuse yourself," Severus said evenly.

Harry scowled, then looked over to Ron.

"Harry, just go to the bathroom," said Ron.

Harry narrowed his eyes at his friend and stood. He walked to the bathroom, while scratching every part of his body that he could reach.

Ginny opened the kitchen door and popped her head out.

"Lunch is ready," Ginny said. She noticed Harry missing. "Where's Harry gone off to?"

"He's got cooties," said Severus as he walked into the kitchen. Hermione followed him giggling.

"He's in the bathroom, he'll be out soon," said Ron.

"Well, he'd better hurry or his stew will get cold." Ginny huffed.

Lucius and Ginny sat at the ends of the table. Severus sat on the bench near Lucius, and Hermione sat near Ginny. Ron sat in between both of them. Severus decided that Ron would be his next victim. He might have been safe during lunch, but since Ron decided to sit next to Hermione, that rankled Severus to no end. Severus thought that only he should be sitting next to her during meals.

As they all sat enjoying their meal, Severus struggled to remember a spell he'd learned when he was a student at Hogwarts. It was something he'd hit Sirius Black with during breakfast one morning. Sirius had been particularly cruel to Severus the day before, and the young Slytherin spent most of that evening looking for a spell to hex the other boy with – a spell that could be cast with no wand and from a distance if need be. Even at a young age, Severus could perform wandless magic as well as non-verbal spells quite easily.

Severus would now cast it on Ron, if he could remember the damned thing. He struggled for several minutes before it finally it came to him. Basically, the hex gave Ron a raging case of diarrhea. While Harry's itching would soon cease, Ron would most probably want to go home and deal with his embarrassing problem in private. At least that was the result Severus was counting on.

He quietly continued his meal, waiting for the shit to hit the so-called fan.

Harry finally came into the kitchen and sat down at the table. As soon as he did, he as well as everyone else at the table noticed an odd smell.

"Eww, what's that smell?" said Hermione as she put her hand over her nose and mouth.

Lucius took his napkin and covered his own nose and mouth. Severus looked over to Ron who was covered in sweat.

"Weasley," he said as he leaned into Ron slightly and scrunched his nose then pinched it. "You smell like something died and decomposed on you."

"Ron, for goodness sake, while we're eating?" Ginny waved her hand around and stood. She walked to the counter and picked up her wand. She tried casting an air-freshening spell, but it would only work for a few seconds before the same foul stench returned.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Ron as he held his stomach. He was trying so hard to keep his ass cheeks squeezed together that he began to sweat even harder.

"It smells like you already have been sick," said Harry.

Ron narrowed his eyes at his friend.

"I think we need to go, Harry." Ron started to get up, and realized if he did he would no doubt shit all over himself.

"I haven't even eaten," protested Harry.

"How can you eat with that smell?" said Ginny.

Lucius stood and walked toward the kitchen door.

"I think I'll go up to my room and change into something a bit more casual. If you will all excuse me. Ginny, your stew was wonderful." Lucius exited quickly, feeling himself growing ill at the horrible smell emanating from Ron.

The rest of the group also decided to make their way out of the kitchen.

"I was enjoying the stew too," pouted Hermione as she sat on the couch. Severus took the parchment he'd been making notes on and sat next to her. "I'm still hungry."

Severus leaned towards her and whispered in her ear.

"Come on, Hermione. I know where Albus hides the canary creams."

Hermione nodded and followed Severus.

"Where are you two off to?" asked Ginny from the hallway.

"The study. I want to show Hermione a very old potions book." They ran off into the study, leaving Ginny wondering what was happening to her brother.

"Ron, can you get up?" asked Harry as he stood behind his friend still in the kitchen. He'd Transfigured the napkin into an oxygen bubble and placed it over his head.

"Harry, if I get up I'm afraid I'll shit all over myself. I don't know what happened. One minute I was fine; all of a sudden, I've got this horrible stomach ache." Ron tried to sit still.

"Well, we've got to get out of here. Just get up and I'll Scourgify you. Gods, Ron, I've never been so embarrassed," said Harry.

Ron looked at him in disbelief.

"Embarrassed? You're embarrassed? I'm the one who's got crap leaking out of his ass, Harry." Ron shook his head. "And in front of Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy to boot!" He counted to three, then stood quickly. "Get me out of here, Harry."

With his face twisted in disgust, Harry Scourgified Ron and led him out into the living room. They rushed past Ginny and ran to the Floo. Within seconds they were gone.

Ginny placed her hands on her hips.

"How rude. They didn't even say goodbye."

~*~*~*~

Severus and Hermione were in the study. They'd gone through half a dozen of Albus' stash of canary creams as well as some of his Ho-Ho's. They sat on the floor with a few potion books as Severus related his plan for altering the Adulescens Denuo potion.

"I think that if we can change some of the ingredient measurements, we may be able to just wipe Voldemort off the face of the earth," said Severus.

"You mean, he would age back so far that he would just disappear?" asked Hermione in wonder. She leaned back against the ottoman behind her.

"I know it sounds too easy, but it's worth a try. All we have to do is make sure he either drinks it, or spray it on him somehow."

"Severus, it's just so crazy that it could actually work," said Hermione.

He smiled, and they began to make calculations for each ingredient. With the right combination, all the Dark Lord would have to do is imbibe the potion, even if it was a single sip, and he would slowly begin to de-age until he was nothing but a miniscule atom. It would be as though he never existed.

As Severus and Hermione toiled in the study with their plan, Lucius came back downstairs in search of Ginny. He changed into a pair of comfortable black slacks and a loose-fitting Guayabera that he'd purchased on a trip to Spain. He loved the look of the linen shirt, and its sage green color gave his ice blue eyes a sea foam tone. Knowing he was in for the rest of the day, barring any temper tantrums from Voldemort, he made sure he was comfortable.

Ginny finished cleaning up the kitchen and was now lounging on the couch. She was flipping through a copy of the latest CosmoWitch.

Lucius spotted one of the article headlines and smirked.

"What wizards really think about you in bed?" he said as he sat down.

Ginny immediately closed the magazine and sat up.

"This isn't mine. It must be Tonks'," Ginny said as she threw the magazine on the coffee table. "I swear she reads the worst trash." She laughed nervously, hoping he wouldn't notice her name on the small address label.

"Oh, I'm sure they must have some useful information. After all, CosmoWitch has been around for quite a while. Narcissa used to subscribe." He picked it up and began to flip through the pages. As he did, he remembered his beloved wife doing the same as what he'd caught Ginny doing – lounging on their couch and relaxing, hoping to find our some secret information about men that even men didn't know about themselves.

He noticed the absence of the two little ones.

"And where have smoke and fire gone off to?" he asked Ginny.

She laughed. "They went into the study. Severus had a large piece of parchment in his hands. I get the feeling they went off to research something. They are so cute together," she said.

"Don't let Severus hear you say that. He's got his wand back and he just might hex you." Lucius thought back to what happened in the kitchen during lunch. He'd noticed Severus eyeing Harry and Ron. He knew that look. Somehow Lucius got the feeling that Ron's troubles in the kitchen might have something to do with the little snake now in the study.

Ginny noticed his clothes. He looked very relaxed, and she thought this might be a good time to ask him what else he and her father talked about. It was time to be bold.

"So, did my father say anything else this afternoon? Other than how wonderful my cooking is?" she asked sweetly.

"Not really. But, he did say we should both stop by the Burrow tomorrow after I drop Severus and Hermione off at Hogwarts."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry. It sounds like my father is playing matchmaker." She hoped Arthur wouldn't do something like this.

"Why would you think that?" asked Lucius.

"He, like my mother, thinks it's time I think about getting married. Every time a man even so much as comes near me, they start to pick out flower arrangements and china patterns." She was so embarrassed she started to get up, wanting desperately to leave the room. "You don't have to come along."

Before she could get past him, Lucius grabbed her arm and pulled her down to his lap. He wrapped one arm around her waist and placed his other hand on the nape of her neck.

"I'm afraid I don't have the patience for picking out flower arrangements, and I detest looking at china patterns. I rather like the idea of being the victim of some matchmaking plot." He pulled Ginny towards him and kissed her.

Ginny was so surprised that for a moment she stiffened. Only when she felt his arm winding around her waist did she begin to relax. She wrapped her arms around his neck and allowed him to kiss her to his heart's content. He felt warm and strong, like he could pick her up like a rag doll and do anything he wanted to her. At that moment, she would have allowed him just that, anything.

Lucius and Ginny were so wrapped up in their lust that they didn't even notice Severus and Hermione coming back into the room.

The "children" stood in the hallway just before entering the living room, and stared at the two snogging away.

"Did you know they liked each other like that?" asked Severus.

"Well, yes, I knew she likes him like that," answered Hermione.

Severus took her arm, and slowly and quietly they backed out of the room. They walked to the back entrance, which led into a small yard, and sat on the steps.

"Lucius hasn't been interested in another woman since he met Narcissa. I've worried for him all these years. He is lonely." Severus stared up at the clouds as Hermione looked at him thoughtfully.

"What about you?" she asked.

"What about me, what?" Severus looked at her confused.

"I've never seen you with a woman. During all my years in Hogwarts, you never had a date to any of the functions. I've never heard anyone even gossip about you with a woman. Aren't you lonely?"

He was quiet, not really knowing how to answer her.

"I am alone because I deserve to be alone, Hermione. The things I've done in my past, the things I've seen." He bowed his small head and began to play with a blade of grass he took in his hands.

"You deserve as much as Lucius does." Hermione placed her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his, then took hold of his hand.

He curled his fingers around hers and looked down at her. He hoped their minds would last long enough to take the counter-potion the following day. He'd grown quite fond of her in the time they had been together – in fact, more than fond. If it weren't for their current condition, he would probably be doing to her what Lucius was doing to Ginny in the living room, and then some.

'Little boys shouldn't kiss little girls, not until they're much older' he thought, 'like eighteen.'

Maybe when this nightmare was over and done with, and they were both back to normal, Severus would ask her if she was interested in taking on her old Potions professor. After all, she was a Gryffindor, she was supposed to be courageous.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The salt thing Severus did to Harry is something I did to my brother when I was about 7. I was eating dinner in his room, which had a TV and decided to get creative with the salt shaker. So I sprinkled salt all over his bed. He woke up in the middle of the night itching and came to my parents room complaining. I almost got away with it but my mom heard me laughing under the covers.

Also, a Guayabera is a shirt that Latin men used to wear for special occasions, like weddings or maybe church on Sunday. They are more mainstream now and they are worn casually too.