El trago amargo

A/N:

If you're getting bored hearing me thank RedSkyAtNight effusively at the beginning of every chapter, too bad. Just suck it up. You've no idea how much you owe her.

If the train ride to Manchester had seemed endless, the ride back to Hogsmeade was just the opposite. The hours flew by, and after boarding the train in Glasgow she and Snape sat farther apart, concerned about who might see them. Snape slipped the ring from his finger and put it into an inside pocket of his coat, and Rawa moved hers from her left to her right hand.

She could feel the warm glow starting to fade. The piercing joy of spending the night with him, their naked limbs tangled together under the covers in the narrow bed, was already beginning to take on a quality of unreality in her memory. She tried to hold on to it, to play it over in her mind, but the closer they came to the end of the journey, the more dreamlike it seemed.

"I think I should tell Dumbledore," Snape said in a low voice. "Otherwise he'll be taking up the fight against the Ministry, and more attention is the last thing we need."

"Yes." Her voice was tense.

They left the train separately, and she made straight for the school without looking to see which way he had gone. Once in her rooms she took off her shoes and lay down on the bed, too exhausted to undress but too agitated to sleep. How was it possible that a mere two days ago she had been standing at that window thinking she was about to leave Hogwarts forever?

She closed her eyes and remembered the night before, playing it over in her mind, lingering over every touch. Snape was not an experienced lover, and she had found his earnest clumsiness oddly endearing. They had both fallen asleep after that first frantic coupling, but awakened during the night and come together in the darkness, their bodies joining in an easy rhythm. His hands on her were hesitant at first, then surer and more demanding, pulling her against him as his lips and teeth found her breasts.

"What do you want?" she had whispered in his ear, and he had replied, "You. This. Everything."

She must have dozed off after all, because she was roused by a knock on her door. "Pasa, mi amor," she said without thinking, still half in a dream state, and was surprised to see not Snape, but Dumbledore, enter through the low doorway.

"Expecting someone else?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

"I was asleep."

"Ah. My apologies, then. Shall I return at a better time?"

"No, this is fine. It is almost dinner, anyway."

She sat up on the bed, and Dumbledore pulled a chair over and sat facing her. "My dear," he began, "Severus has been to see me."

"He told you, then."

"Yes. Let me ask you something. This church you were married in, did it have colorless glass windows in a wreath pattern?"

"Yes," she said, puzzled.

He smiled. "There's one mystery solved, then." He paused as if collecting his thoughts. "Rawa, I've known Severus Snape for a long time. He is not easy to understand. In fact, he is not easy in any sense."

"No." She smiled.

He took her hand. "I don't wish to interfere, but neither do I wish to see you hurt. I'm sure it's not too late to undo this."

She looked steadily at him. "I do not wish to undo it."

Ignoring her, he went on. "You must know that there were some irregularities around the posting of the banns, and the required waiting period. It is not outside Severus's powers to meddle slightly with the continuum of time, but he would still have needed to do something, if not illegal, then certainly questionable, to circumvent the necessity for your presence, and the presence of witnesses. I don't know what he did exactly; whatever it was, that alone would be grounds for an annulment."

"I do not want an annulment."

His blue eyes were intense and serious. "Rawa, this is not the only way. I know you are concerned with supporting the Order, and with your part in keeping our students safe, but, I repeat, this is not the only way." He hurried on before she could protest again. "Spain is not so far from here. We have colleagues in Salamanca who would be willing to provide a place for you to teach, and we could send our students to you there to complete their training."

She looked at him stubbornly. "No."

He shook his head. "You are a sweet, innocent girl, and you have no idea what you are letting yourself in for. I assure you, you may think you know Severus Snape, but you do not."

"I know what I need to know."

"Do you know that he is deeply, passionately in love with another woman? Has he told you that?"

She was unable to keep the shock and pain from her face.

"Forgive me if that was a bit brutal, but you see what I mean. Severus is not a bad person...he is capable of tremendous loyalty, bravery, and self-sacrifice...but he has also been capable of the most appalling manipulation and cruelty when he felt it to be expedient. Or when, for instance, he felt it was necessary in support of some more important objective. For him, a worthy end may justify any means."

When she did not answer, he continued.

"He has had a very hard life, and it has left him bitter, cynical, and ruthless. I have no idea why you would want to tie yourself to such a man when there are other, simpler ways out of the difficulty in which you find yourself at the moment."

"I love him."

His eyes narrowed. "And this feeling . . . did it come upon you suddenly? Recently?"

She smiled. "No. It has made my life miserable for some time now." She rose and crossed to the dresser, and took out of the drawer the handkerchief and Astrocaster and the stray button. "See? I have a pathetic little assortment of mementos collected over many months. He has not bewitched me, Albus, if that is what you are thinking. I came to this point . . . por mi cuenta."

"And Severus? How does he feel?"

She looked at him. "I believe he has feelings for me."

"Well, that is certainly damning with faint praise." When it was clear that she did not understand this phrase, he asked bluntly, "Has he told you he loves you?"

"Not in those words."

"In any words, then?"

"No," she admitted, then said defensively, "but he is . . . ardent with me. He makes love to me with such . . . intensity that I know he must feel love for me."

Dumbledore briefly buried his face in his hands. When he raised it, he was looking at her with an expression of great tenderness and pity.

"Oh, my dear, dear girl. What an innocent you are! Have you looked in a mirror? There is not a male over the age of twelve in this school that would not take you to bed in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. I myself might consider it, and believe me, it's quite contrary to my nature."

She raised her chin defiantly. "But to marry me? Why would he marry me if he did not love me?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Rawa, Severus Snape is very vindictive, and extremely intelligent and cunning. Who knows why he does what he does? For any of a dozen reasons. Perhaps he wants children...and fertile young women are not exactly offering themselves up to him in droves. Then there's the bad blood between him and Sirius Black: it's no secret that Sirius is hopelessly in love with you. Severus could have married you just to spite him."

She did not want to hear any more. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Perhaps you could explain something to me."

"If it's in my power, yes."

"The minister who married us...how is it that he knew that we were magos? I thought that was such a carefully guarded secret here."

Dumbledore smiled, and dipped his head briefly to acknowledge her deliberate change of subject. "There was an . . . incident, when Snape was a boy; the Ministry had to be brought in to smooth things over. And there is a longstanding tradition, left over from more credulous, superstitious times, that clergy are not to be Obliviated except in the most exigent of circumstances. England is full of vicars who are keeping magical secrets of one kind or another."

"They seemed to be friends, he and the minister."

"Yes, well, you will have to ask Severus about those windows...but there are more important things you should be asking him, I think." He paused. "I am going to go forward with the arrangements for Salamanca. At the very least, it will provide a distraction for the Ministry, and it will mean the possibility is open to you should you change your mind."

"I will not change my mind."

He took her other hand in his, and looked into her eyes. "Rawa, listen to me. I am very fond of Severus Snape; in his own way he is quite dear to me. And I know him perhaps better than anyone else in the world. Believe me when I tell you that this marriage has the potential to destroy your life, to make you bitterly unhappy; and if I have played a part in that by bringing you here and involving you in our problems, I shall never forgive myself. Promise me you will at least think about it."

She did not answer, and he sighed, and rose to leave. As he walked through the doorway, he turned back to her and said, "Ask him about Lily."