XXIV: Lost

Chapter XXIV: Lost

By the time pudding was served that evening, Charis wished that she had skipped dinner and stayed in her dorm instead. She wasn't hungry, and all the laughing, chattering people around her made her feel even worse. The argument with Morgana was still laying heavy on her heart and filled her stomach with a dull kind of nausea. A part of her had gone through the day hoping that she would see Morgana and realise that their fight had only been a bad dream. But the Slytherin had not been seen anywhere all day, and by late afternoon, Charis had started to believe that Morgana was avoiding her.

She stabbed at her pudding with her fork. It was her favourite, treacle sponge pudding, but she had no appetite whatsoever. And with a pang she realised that it was Morgana's favourite, too. How many times had they hidden in some quiet corner of the castle and shared some delicious pudding?

'I think that pudding is dead already, Charis,' Jack muttered quietly at his housemate.

'Sorry, Jack, I'm not hungry,' Charis replied, letting her fork fall into the bowl with a tinkle, not sure if she would ever want to eat treacle sponge pudding again.

'I can see that.' Jack moved closer and nudged her elbow with his, a concerned look on his face. 'You okay?'

Charis sighed. There was no point in hiding it from Jack. He would find out sooner or later. 'Morgana and I had a fight,' she mumbled.

'About what?' asked Jack, eyebrows raised.

'A few things.' Charis chewed her lip. She couldn't tell Jack about Morgana being pregnant. 'It seems,' she started instead, 'Morgana is more interested in blood status than she let on.'

'Morgana? OUR Morgana?' Jack looked absolutely scandalised. 'No, come on, that can't be true. I talked to her the other day, you know, about my project. She seemed very intrigued by the idea.'

Jack broke off as he noted his friend's sorrowful look. 'But you are clearly upset. What did Morgana say?'

'She was ... comparing her family name and the Malfoy name to royalty.'

'Wow, that's a big word,' Jack conceded. 'But you know, um, it's kind of right. They are two of the oldest Wizarding families in the country.'

Charis frowned. 'So? It doesn't make them better than everyone else, does it?'

She knew she was sounding petulant, but the blood issue had touched a raw nerve with her. As much as she was proud to be Muggle-born, and as much as she tried to ignore the slurs of 'Mudblood' that were frequently passed her way, that word hurt her greatly, and Morgana's comment was like pouring salt on her wounds.

'I never said that,' Jack replied calmly, not wishing to upset his friend further. 'Did Morgana?'

'No, but she implied it.'

'Morgana?' Jack's eyebrows shot up again. He had always liked and respected Morgana and found her behaviour difficult to believe. But then again, why would Charis lie?

'She said she wants me to stay away from the dungeons,' Charis began, swallowing hard to remove the white hot lump of grief that was now forming there.

'Stay away from the dungeons? For what reason?'

'She said she couldn't protect me anymore.'

Jack looked at Charis with a serious expression. 'There are rumours that the mood in Slytherin House has changed for the worse. There are plenty of Death Eater wannabes down there. It might be a dangerous place for ... well ... anyone who is not from an old, pureblood line.'

'I know that, Jack,' Charis said quietly. 'I just never thought Morgana would be so hung up about her own blood status. After all I said! I defended her, Jack! I defended her to Harry, to the DA ...'

Charis could not stop the burning tears from falling now, and Jack put a comforting arm around her shoulder.

'There, there, kitten,' he consoled, squeezing her gently. 'Couldn't it be that you guys just misunderstood each other?'

Charis shook her head sadly and raised her eyes to meet his. 'She even gave me back my necklace, Jack.'

Jack stared back at Charis in disbelief. 'The necklace?'

Charis was choked and could not reply. Her bottom lip wobbled from the effort of controlling her sadness. And for the umpteenth time that day, she squeezed the small star that was still in her pocket.

'Oh, honey,' Jack murmured, pulling her closer. 'Shall we go outside?'

Charis hugged her friend back gratefully. 'Yes, please,' she whispered. She had no desire for the whole school to witness her tears.

With his arm around her shoulder, the two friends left the Great Hall and made their way out into the grounds. It was a mild evening, with clear blue skies and golden sunlight peeping over the mountaintops.

'Shall we sit over there?' Jack suggested, pointing to a bench by the rose hedges at the back of the Herbology greenhouses. And Charis gave him a squeeze as they made their way over to the rose garden.

'I still can't believe it,' Jack said after they had been sitting on the bench a minute or two. 'You and Morgana have been best friends forever.'

Charis took a deep breath through her nose, inhaling the comforting scent from the rosebushes. 'People change, I guess,' she said in a small voice.

'Change? That sounds like a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn to me.'

'Perhaps all the rubbish the other Slytherins like to spout finally wore her down after all,' Charis replied, trying not to sound bitter but knowing she had not succeeded. She was hurt by what Morgana had said. But most of all, she was disappointed.

'And made her turn on her best friend?' Jack frowned. 'There must be another reason.'

He fished in his pocket and handed Charis a hankie. 'It's clean,' he assured her with a smile.

'Thanks, Jack,' Charis replied gratefully and wiped her damp eyes.

'It'll be alright, you'll see,' Jack said, once more wrapping his arm around his friend and giving her a squeeze.

'Can we talk about something else?' Charis asked, needing the distraction. 'How is your History of Magic assignment going?'

'Oh, it's going alright,' Jack replied, beaming. This project was his pet concern at the moment, and he loved talking about it, especially to someone who was actually showing their interest. 'It's harder to find information than I thought, though. Pure blood families don't seem to like it when one gets too nosey about their family trees. I had hoped Morgana would help ...'

Jack broke off as he saw Charis flinch at the Slytherin's name.

'Sorry,' he offered sheepishly.

'Have you not had any luck with your own ancestors then?' Charis asked quickly. She did not want Jack to feel awkward. He was too sweet for that.

'My family proves to be uber boring!' Jack exclaimed. 'A straight line of Muggles on one side and a straight line of Wizards on the other. No surprises anywhere.'

Then he looked at Charis as if a light bulb had gone off in his head. 'Hey, would you let me look at YOUR family tree?'

'Er, if you want,' Charis replied uncertainly. 'I don't think you will find anything exciting there though! I am a Muggle-born, remember?'

'Oh, you never know! What if your great-great-great-grandfather was a wizard?' Jack asked enthusiastically.

'It's doubtful,' Charis answered, 'but I guess my magical genes had to come from somewhere ...'

'You don't know your great-great-great-grandfather, do you?' Jack asked, looking suddenly as excited as a little Crup that had just caught sight of its favourite toy.

'Imagine, you could be related to ... what do I know ... Dumbledore!'

Charis grinned back at Jack, his enthusiasm becoming too infectious to resist. 'That would be so cool!'

Jack's eyes were alight with excitement now. 'Come on, Madam Pince has shown me how to access all kinds of genealogy records, Muggle and Magical. We can find your family tree in no time!'

Charis giggled as Jack dragged her by the hand. Just like her, her housemate had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and could not wait to find out answers once his mind was set on a task.

'To the library!' he cried, before stopping dead in his tracks. 'Oh, forgot something!'

'Hmm?' Charis looked at him with a puzzled expression.

'This!' And with that, Jack pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. And once again Charis giggled.

'Oh, Jack. You're so sweet.'

'Like Bertie Botts!' He grinned. 'Come on now!'

The two Ravenclaws fled towards the library, too excited to even notice the black figure of Severus Snape, who was standing behind the bushes, a scowl of jealousy on his face.

* * *

Jack's enthusiasm was more than infectious, and soon Charis was rummaging through stacks of copies of birth certificates, obituaries and wedding certificates, finding out more about her family than she had ever dreamt of. She was, for instance, not the first female to carry a Greek first name. And the name of her great-great-grandmother's cousin had even been Charis as well.

But as interesting the papers were, something was distracting Charis, and more than once she looked up, feeling as if somebody was observing her. But she never saw anyone looking at her. As a matter of fact, the library was all but deserted. Once, she could have sworn that she had heard the rustle of robes in the Restricted Section. But it might just have been a mouse or one of the enchanted books that had made the noise. She shook her head to clear her mind from the flashbacks to Valentines – THAT night – when the sound of the rustle of robes had led to the most explosive sex of her life.

But she could not shake off the feeling of being watched, and when Jack eventually suggested going back to the common room, she told him to go ahead.

'Just let me have a look at that last copy,' she said. 'I'll be finished in five minutes tops.'

But she never looked at any copy. As soon as Jack had bid her goodnight, Charis abandoned her work and silently walked towards the Restricted Section, hoping there would be another rustle of robes, hoping that it would be him.

She and Severus had not spoken since their night together. He had not even written a comment on her last Potions essay, although it had been one of the best she had ever written. But she could not blame him. Snape was her teacher, after all. He had to be discreet. But Charis had not missed the way he was looking at her in the Great Hall or in the Potions classroom.

But there was no one in the Restricted Section, neither a wizard or a mouse, and – feeling slightly disappointed – Charis left the library.

When she reached the landing between the staircase that led towards Ravenclaw Tower and the one that would eventually lead to the dungeons, Charis fell dead in her tracks, staring down the steps that seemed to lead into nothing but darkness.

'Your kind should not be down here.'

Both Morgana and Severus had said that. Both her best friend and the man she loved had made it very clear that they considered her unworthy. But then why had Severus had sex with her? Why was he still giving her those looks?

'I very much hope that you have no intentions of descending to the dungeons tonight, Miss Byrne.'

Snape's rich baritone made Charis spin around just in time to see him step out of the shadows. Just how he had managed to approach her without her hearing him was beyond Charis. But then again, the Potions master was known to appear out of thin air.

'No, sir. I, er, just said goodnight to Morgana,' Charis lied, avoiding his eyes. Once more, he had more or less told her that she had no business whatsoever in the dungeons. So maybe he did consider her and unworthy Mudblood then.

'Morgana, eh?' Snape sneered with disbelief.

'Yes, sir,' Charis confirmed, surprised at how steady her voice was. 'I'll just be off then.'

She was disappointed by Snape's less than friendly reaction and decided to flee before she made a fool of herself. She tried to swerve around the imposing figure of the Head of Slytherin, but he stopped her dead in her tracks.

'Freeze!' he growled sternly. 'You are exactly three and a half minutes after curfew, Miss Byrne.'

His cold, black eyes fixed Charis with a glare that made her physically recoil.

'I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise the time,' she mumbled, hoping that he would just let her go now. She did not want him to be angry with her.

'And I do not appreciate being lied to, Miss Byrne,' Snape continued silkily. 'I know for a fact that you have not spoken to your Slytherin friend all day. Your ability to lie convincingly is as pathetic as your choice of suitable places for romantic hideaways. The library, Miss Byrne? How disappointing.'

Charis' eyes widened. Romantic hideaways? What the hell was he talking about? Then it hit her. She had heard the rustle of robes then. Severus had been in the library, observing her and Jack. He had probably seen them hug before Jack had gone to bed. Had he interpreted that friendly gesture as something else? Did Severus, too, think like the majority of the male Slytherins? That she was a slut?

She almost flinched away as Snape stepped closer towards her.

'Did I not tell you not to mess with boys, Miss Byrne?' he asked in a low voice.

'Yes, sir,' Charis whispered in response. 'And I have heeded your advice.'

'Have you now?' Snape stepped even closer, and Charis willed her heart not to race so fast. And only when her back hit the door of classroom eleven, did she realise that she had been backing away from her Potions master.

Snape opened the door with a lazy flick of his wand and caught Charis around her waist as she stumbled, pulling her close him.

'Do you not think that this classroom, for example, would be a much more suitable place, Miss Byrne?' he asked and kicked the door closed with his foot.

Charis looked over her shoulder and gasped in surprise. The classroom had been transfigured to look like a forest clearing, and she could even see the starry sky. It was beautiful.

Snape couldn't help but smile. Who would have thought that the Centaur's classroom would make such an impression on the little Ravenclaw? She was so gentle, so sweet. And as much as he tried, he could not understand why she was drawn to him.

'Now, tell me the real reason why you were lingering at the entrance to the dungeons, Charis,' he insisted.

Once more, Charis gasped, this time at the use of her first name and the gentleness of Severus' voice.

'I ... I was hoping to ... to run into you,' she stammered.

Snape tightened his grip around her waist and leant in. 'And what are you going to do now that you have run into me?'

Oh, he knew what the girl wanted. More or less the same thing he did. He had tasted her, and it had opened up a tidal wave of passion inside him. And now he wanted more. He wanted her to welcome him into her utterly, to show him just how full of desire she was for him. This time, he wanted her to take the lead. He wanted her to show him just how much she wanted him.

Charis gazed up into Severus' onyx eyes, totally taken aback by this question. She had wanted to run into him for weeks. She had wanted him to touch her, kiss her, make love to her. And now that they were alone, she felt her knees go soft.

Gingerly, she lifted a hand to his face and caressed his cheek, and Snape could once more not help but smile at the sweetness of the gesture.

He watched her intently as her hands then traced his chest and shoulders through his robes, squeezing his masculine arms, before coming to rest on his stomach. She looked up at him as if seeking approval, but he merely stared calmly back at the girl, wondering if she would be brave enough to claim him just as he had claimed her in the library.

As if in answer to his question, Charis' hand ran down over his stomach and came to rest on his crotch, finding an already very insistent bulge with her hand. And Snape groaned and pushed his hips forwards, never once breaking eye contact.

Charis' heart was thudding madly and she felt dizzy. And later on, she would not remember how she ever dared ease the buttons of Snape's robes open and carefully release his impressive erection.

His shaft was thick and long, the head large and sculpted. To Charis, it felt like warm velvet stretched over iron. His magnificent cock was dusky pink in colour, in contrast to the usual paleness of his skin. And as she slowly and carefully began to stroke him, she noticed moisture had already appeared on the head.

Charis craned her neck up, her lips parted, and to her surprise, Snape let her kiss him. Why would he not? Her lips were soft and warm, and her kisses were sweet and gentle. And she gave them so willingly.

Snape growled. The girl's soft, small hand stroking him felt just as he had imagined it. He knew that he would be unable to hold back his orgasm much longer if she carried on like that. And as much as he enjoyed Charis taking a more active role this time, he would not give her that power over him.

A soft pressure towards her shoulders was all it took for Charis to move back until her legs made impact with a tree stump. And before she knew it, Snape had magically opened her robes and lifted her onto the stump with his strong arms.

With her free hand, Charis took Severus' hand and placed it on the damp white cotton at her core. And without warning he swiftly Vanished her knickers, finding her exposed pink flesh hot and moist for him.

His thumb came to rest on her clit, while he gently probed her entrance with the tip of his index finger.

Charis whimpered as he flicked his thumb delicately against her nub, in such an unsteady rhythm that every touch was a surprise. And she whimpered once more as he – slowly, oh, so agonisingly slowly – let his finger glide inside her.

She moaned delicately as her mouth searched for his. Oh, he was so gentle and tender. This was just what she wanted. The combined sensation of his gentle teasing and his wonderful cock in her hand as they kissed was just pure bliss.

Snape began to kiss her passionately, his tongue moving in her mouth in the same rhythm as his finger was fucking her. And Charis ran her fingers through his surprisingly soft raven hair with her free hand and moaned into his mouth, hips thrusting in rhythm. Oh he felt so good! Once more he had found that special spot deep inside her and his thumb on her clit was driving her insane. And from Severus' moans, she could tell that he relished her touch just as she relished his.

Charis' body began to tense as her orgasm built. She was close, so very close to release. And she wanted to explode from Severus' touch and scream out his name in ecstasy.

'Yes, little witch,' Snape growled as he saw her skin flush and her breathing become more laboured. 'Cum for me. Cum.'

His thumb was now resting steadily on her clit, applying constant pressure as his index finger stimulated that special spot. And Charis cried out as the first wave of her orgasm hit, muscles clenching around his finger sharply as her hand tightened around his cock.

She heard him growl and felt him shift position. His cock was now rubbing against her swollen clit. She shifted her hips so the head just grazed her entrance and looked deep into his eyes.

Snape gazed back, black into green. Last time, he had taken her. This time, she was giving herself to him. She was ready, oh, gods, she was ready. One thrust, one tiny thrust would be enough for him to enter her ... just one tiny movement ...

'I love you, Severus,' Charis whispered, and Snape's head snapped up as if someone had hit him unexpectedly with Expelliarmus.

The girl had not just said this! She mustn't have!

He stumbled backwards, closing his robes around him. No, no! The girl had been lusting for him for the better part of the last year. She had a crush on him. But she could not love him! She must not love him!

He grabbed on to a tree and buried his face in his hand. 'Cover yourself,' he growled. 'Cover yourself now.'

'Severus?' Charis asked timidly. She was utterly confused. Had she done something wrong? Why had he withdrawn so suddenly? But despite her confusion, she did as she had been told and closed her robes.

'Why do you let me keep doing this, Charis?'

Charis frowned and turned her head towards her Potions master. 'Let you keep doing what?' she asked, getting more confused by the second. Whatever did he mean?

'Why do you let me use you like this?'

Snape sounded angry, and Charis did not understand.

'Using me?' she asked. 'No. Severus, no. I wanted this. I wanted you.'

Snape made a strange sound and started pacing the enchanted classroom.

What kind of evil, hairy-hearted monster was he, he wondered. How could he toy in such a way with an innocent girl? An innocent girl whose heart was in the right place and who would give this heart to him if he asked her to? An innocent girl who happened to have the same green eyes as ...

He breathed deeply through his nose, not wanting to go down that particular road. Yes, she wanted him but for all the wrong reasons. She was looking for love, and that was the one thing he was incapable of giving her. And despite him knowing that, he had still played with her affections.

'I advise you to stay away from me, Charis,' he snarled. 'Far, far away from me.'

'But ... Severus ... I do not understand ...'

Of course she would not. She was a little girl, still innocent, still believing in love. And he had used her just because he could. Just because he bloody well knew that she would never say no to him.

For the first time since he had withdrawn from her, Snape now looked at Charis. And she was looking at him with her big green eyes, looking frightened and confused.

'You deserve better, Charis,' he said, looking deeply into those green eyes, hoping that they would never look at him with the same kind of disgust another pair, so very similar to hers, had all those many years ago.

'You deserve love, Charis. And I cannot give you that,' he went on. 'And despite you knowing this, you have let me use you.'

He saw a tear slide down her cheek and regretted his harsh words. He had not meant to make her cry. But she needed to know the truth. She needed to understand.

'You are young, Charis,' he stated, surprised how familiar her name sounded now, how sweet it felt on his tongue. 'The only thing you are guilty of is confusing lust with love. And until you learn how to separate the two, I advise you to keep far away from me.'

He resisted the urge to step towards her and wipe the tear off her cheek. Instead, he turned and walked towards the door. There he paused and once more looked back at the girl.

'Did I make myself quite clear, Miss Byrne?' he asked, pronouncing her last name very clearly. He would not call her by her given name any time soon again.

'Yes, sir,' Charis replied, furtively wiping away the treacherous tears that were now running down her cheek.

Snape left the girl alone, his stomach tight as his heels clicked on the stone floor of the castle. And as Charis listened to him recede, she let herself cry harder now, for Morgana, for Severus, for all she had lost that day.

So Severus – Professor Snape – didn't love her then. He had admitted having toyed with her, and Charis felt stupid. She had let him. If she were honest, she had known all along that he could not love her. But she had not listened to the sensible voice inside her head. She had listened to the voice of her heart, the voice that had told her that he did have feelings for her.

Why was it that Slytherins could take hold of her heart and smash it into pieces moments later, Charis wondered.

Zabini had taken her virginity and then tossed her aside in the most despicable way. Morgana had feigned friendship for years and now that she was carrying Malfoy's child, she suddenly seemed to consider Charis below her standards. And now Snape, too, had turned from her, scolding her like a little girl.

'You deserve better,' he had said. And for a moment, Charis had believed that he cared for her after all.

But who was he to decide what she deserved? What did he know about the big love she held for him in the depths of her heart and the sorrow it now contained?