Chapter Five

Disclaimer: I make no money. I am only borrowing the creation of a literary genius.

The sun rose to stream into the enchanted window in the bedroom wall. Severus woke quickly and hurried through his morning hygiene rituals. He really did need to make up for lost time in the lab. He didn't regret talking to Lily, but for one who prided himself on punctuality, he did not want to be behind schedule.

He was pleased to note that he'd developed a business as a custom brewer, a supplement to his teaching wages. He constantly had to remind himself that he'd been trusted and revered for more than two decades in this place... time... whatever. If he allowed himself to obsess over the details and peculiarities his life now included, he'd waste the experience.

As always, Severus lost himself entirely in the process of brewing a complex potion. He revelled in the exactness of it, the need for absolute perfection. Before, this had been his greatest high, most potent joy. Now, that thought was laughable...chopping roots and straining rodent innards couldn't even compare to his feelings for Hermione.

He added the last few ingredients to the cauldron and turned to tidy the lab. The shower was running; she was home. With a grin on his face and hot intensity building in his stomach, he strode through their quarters.

The bath was entirely full of steam, so much that he couldn't make out her form in the glass shower. He quickly hung his robes from the hook on the back of the bathroom door.

The heat and steam of the little room seemed to fuel his desire. He reached the shower and slowly opened the transparent door.

"Hermione?" he asked softly, not wanting to startle her.

He waited, one foot in the shower, for her to respond. He wondered if she were playing with him, wanting her to seek him. But then he noticed another detail.

Over the heat and moisture and the knowledge that his wife's lovely body was only feet away came the sound of erratic breathing and gasping. He panicked. Something was terribly wrong with her. He roughly swung the door open, allowing some of the steam to escape. He could just see her, sitting curled in a ball on the floor of the shower.

He dropped to the floor and reached for her. "Hermione? Love, please, what's the matter?" Severus was trying with all his might to contain his terror. He wanted nothing more than to demand an answer or use Legilimancy against her. He resisted his urges, fearing that he would make her feel more threatened rather than comforted.

She flinched away as he neared, staring gloomily at the floor. He could tell that she'd been crying. A new sort of fear took over.

"Is it your mum and dad?" he murmured, reaching to put a hand on her.

Again, she jerked sharply away from him, shaking her head.

He felt helpless. He tried to calm himself. If he could only get her talking, he had a chance to fix whatever might have happened. He reached out and turned the tap, cutting off the flow of near-boiling water. With a bit of silent, wandless magic, he Summoned a large towel, wrapping it around her shoulders.

She struggled slightly, but he managed to pull her into his arms. He carried her to their bed and set her gently on the duvet. She was shaking, tears still rolling slowly down her face.

He Summoned a towel for himself. He quickly dried himself and then wrapped it around his waist. He studied her carefully. She had no outward sign of injury. She looked as though she were completely hysterical, almost to the point of shock.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I'm fine, just a little emotional." Her voice startled him, not only because he hadn't expected her to say anything, but also because her usually melodic voice was utterly devoid of levity or tone.

If he wasn't careful, she would stop talking. So he banished his own fears and questions in favour of anything that might benefit her.

He sighed, stroking a stray lock of hair away from her forehead. "No need to apologize, my love. Are you alright?"

"I'm not s-sure. I... I don't know anything anymore." Her voice was so quiet that he could barely hear her.

He moved his body closer to hers, leaning her against his side. He draped his arm over her protectively. "Hermione," he began quietly, "I will always love you. You must know that. I know things happen that will be upsetting or that may cause you to call my feelings into question. You must always remember that I love you more than my own life." He kissed her shoulder, feeling her tense under the touch of his lips.

Her tears were flowing faster. He reasoned he must have made a mistake in her past, unknowable to him. He owed her his apologies, hoping against hope that he dared ask her to accept them. He decided his best course was to continue, using care not to expose his dangerous ignorance.

"Hermione, what I've done... What I have done has hurt you, I can see that. I am so sorry. Please know that I will do all I can to make up for my past misdeeds, if that can be done at all. Do you think we can put it behind us and start again?"

She was sobbing quietly now, her slim body shaking with the force of her emotion. "Is it over?" Her eyes were a storm of fear and desperation.

"It's all over; I swear it. You are my one and only focus from this moment on." He lifted her chin so she could see the gravity of his resolve. She looked better for the space of a few heartbeats, and then her face crumbled and her sobs redoubled.

She pushed away from him and went to stand in front of the fireplace, staring into the bright flames. "But you don't know what I... what I've d-done."

"You're right. I haven't got any idea, and do you know what's more? I don't care. Whatever you think you've done to deserve my wrath, I'm sure was only a reaction to the hurt that you felt... You owe me no explanation or apology." He crossed the room as he spoke to her, ending just behind her, his hands resting lightly on her shoulders.

She still shook with silent sobbing. He continued speaking to her. "I love you too much to allow you to torture yourself like this. Let's start over. We'll make a pact to let go of anything in the past. Can you agree?"

She looked up at him in wide-eyed shock and wonder. He could see that she still had things she'd planned to say, but she seemed to decide to accept his offer. Her face became more peaceful, and she nodded.

Severus wasn't sure how they arrived at the bed or became so frenzied, but he was grateful. She clung to him, tears pouring from her eyes as they came together. He pushed the ever-lengthening list of annoying questions to the back of his mind. Whatever had happened, why ever he was here...he was here. He meant to savour each moment he had with her.

As he drove into her flesh again and again, he felt a tightness in his heart. He loved her completely. He only hoped that she would love him in return, and he would deserve that love.

Some time later, they lay tangled in a mass of limbs, foreheads pressed together. His eyes were closed as he breathed in her scent, relishing the closeness. If he stayed here forever with her, or if he was torn back to another reality, he would never forget this time with her.

She sighed softly. He opened his eyes to stare into hers. The connection was peaceful for a few moments before he noticed that he could not move. Her voice sounded in his head.

Use it. Use Legilimancy, now.

The command was sharp, and he hadn't a hope of refusing.

He looked into her eyes, registering the self-loathing and the overwhelming sense of justice before he was compelled to speak. "Legilimens!" He was sucked into the blackness of her irises with a thrill of disbelief. She'd somehow managed to use a nonverbal, wandless Imperius on him.

He tumbled into her thoughts and was immediately assaulted with a rapid succession of scenes involving himself and Lily. They talked, worked side-by-side, and exchanged glances. He could feel her fear and her doubt. The knowledge that she'd been watching him, observing his interactions with Lily for who could tell how long.

Then, he saw the corridor outside their rooms. She entered... voices. There were two voices. Hermione's pulse raced at the sound of he and Lily, talking quietly in the bedroom. She approached the door, just peering in from that vantage point. The pair seemed to be cuddled romantically together on the bed. He felt her panic and shame rise through the memories. The scene went black.

Snippets of their words had drifted to her ears. The picture changed, and he could feel that he was now viewing her fears and paranoid fantasies. He saw himself and Lily kissing, touching, in various states of undress, and then finally he saw something that made his heart stop.

He'd seen an image, years before. He'd been wandering the school during the Christmas holidays when almost every other student was gone. He'd happened upon a room, and in that room, a mirror.

He'd never forgotten the surprise he'd felt when the reflection in the mirror had changed. It had shown a happy family. Himself, tall and strong with his arm around a radiant Lily, who was cuddling a baby.

Now, in his wife's greatest fears, he saw almost that same image. She believed the child Lily was carrying to be his. She truly believed he wanted a family with another woman.

Before he could spend much time on this, another scene began to develop. Hermione ran full tilt through the halls of the ancient school. When she reached the Room of Requirement, she ran three times back and forth before pelting through the door. The room was tiny, empty, and featureless but for a fireplace. She tossed the Floo powder she found on the mantel into the flames as she shouted, "Grimmauld Place!"

As the scene materialized, Severus recognized the familiar lounge of Grimmauld Place. He noticed that the image seemed to be stretching and pulling in odd directions. He realised this was Hermione's stress at what she was showing him.

He tried to comfort her, but under the Imperius, she forced him to keep looking.

She seemed to pull away from him, as though he were dangerous. He turned to see a surprised Harry Potter cradling a sobbing Hermione in his arms.

"I don't know. It seems like we're stooping to their level." Harry stated this in an off-hand manner.

Severus realised he'd been holding his breath and was now getting a headache. This was too much for him, and he wondered if he would be sick. He took several deep breaths.

Harry and Hermione seemed to have talked themselves out of going down that road.

They sat still, Hermione sitting atop him, for a long time. He pulled her into an embrace. As he rested his face on her breasts, Hermione started to cry.

Hermione took a slow, steadying breath. "Harry, I'm not doing this out of grief or even out of attraction. I want to do this because I need to know if I really am rubbish when it comes to making love. I trust you to give me your honest opinion."

Severus felt as though he was standing in a rising pool of ice water. He watched the rest of their discussion and the two of them disrobing in mounting horror. He felt nothing but an empty blackness filling him as his young wife gave and took pleasure with his godson.

He wanted to shut out the truth; he couldn't bare the reality of the memory, but his head would not turn, his eyes would not close. He couldn't look away from the horrible nightmare. The contents of his stomach churned and lurched with his anxiety.

Worse even than the physical act was the conversation that followed it. Though he'd missed many of the finer points, Severus was sure of one thing beyond all else. His wife was acting out of two exceptionally misguided beliefs: firstly, that he was displeased with her sexual potency, and secondly, that he had had an affair with Lily.

His insides were frozen solid and sinking into his knees. His happiness and the peaceful state of the world had blinded him. He'd been utterly unaware of her state of mind. He had allowed love to slip through his fingers yet again.

He broke the connection with her mind and quickly turned away. He couldn't bear to tell her she'd been wrong both about his affair and his satisfaction with her. If he did, she would think better of him, but she would hate herself.

He made the choice to say nothing. Hermione walked out of the room, closing the door to the bathroom behind her.

A/N: PLEASE don't hate me. I am NOT a Harry/Hermione shipper. The inspiration for this comes from an experience that a friend of mine had (the running to a friend for comfort bit). I know that this is horrible, and gut wrenching. I promise that it will come out alright in the end. I believe in my heart of hearts that Severus and Hermione are meant to be. Please trust me, and review (though please don't verbally crucify me), and keep reading.