Chapter 9

Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to JKR.

A/N: You've left me to choice. My awesome beta's Cough Southern_Witch_69 Cough in hiding until after voting. You lot are too sneaky...

Severus watched her face intently, wanting her to say something, anything, as she solemnly watched him. It was not usual for her to be so quiet. Nerves on edge, he continued.

"I knew right away that Lily was like me. Meaning, I knew that she was a witch. Of course, she didn't have a clue." He chuckled a bit, remembering. He looked at her once more.

"I'm sure that you know most of it. I won't bore you with the details."

"You're not boring me, Severus," she quietly told him as she played with the food on her plate. "And though I may know certain facts, I certainly don't know your thoughts and feelings."

He nodded and then pointed at her food. "Eat," he ordered. "It's not doing you any good sitting on your plate."

Hermione took a small bite and motioned with her fork. "Please, continue."

He watched her a moment to make sure she continued to eat and then went on. "I spent as much time with her as possible, every free moment that I had. My home life was... less than stellar, and she was the only bright spot in my day. She looked forward to seeing me as well."

"It sounds like the two of you were very close."

"Yes, we became so," he agreed. "The only blight in those days was her horrid sister. How those two came from the same parents is beyond me. Her sister knew that she was different...special...and she was rife with jealousy."

"Yes, Petunia Dursley always treated Harry with contempt. Well, they all did, actually. And though he'd never let on, it hurt him."

Severus shrugged, never taking his eyes off her face. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, and he knew that she'd never allow him to. It was too soon. Had he thought she was fragile? Just one of the many times he'd been mistaken about her.

Because this was important, he truly wanted her to understand, and as he thought back, his excuses and explanations sounded so very pitiful in his head. He couldn't help it; the truth was all that he had, so he continued telling her what she claimed she wanted to know.

"When we started Hogwarts, we still remained close those first couple of years. We were both devastated when we were sorted in different Houses. But like I said, at first, that really didn't matter.

"As I got older, I started befriending some of the other Slytherins, grateful that they'd wanted to be friends with me at all. As you could imagine, I was awkward and surly with it. My motto was: 'Never let anyone...except Lily...get too close,' or 'Hurt them before they hurt you.'"

"Mmm. Much as it is now, eh?"

His eyes flew to hers, and he slowly nodded. "I had not realized it, but that does seem accurate. I'll apologize that you have first hand knowledge of that. At any rate, I suppose I began to change, and Lily noticed it. Began to complain about how I was behaving. Soon, we stopped spending so much time together."

"Is that when she turned to James?"

"No, she still despised him at that point. I was extremely jealous of him, regardless of her constantly trying to reassure me. I never believed that she, or anyone, would choose someone like me over someone like Potter. And that, combined with my new friends, tore us apart."

Hermione nodded. "I can well imagine. My first year, everyone hated me, even my own Housemates. When Harry and Ron saved me from that troll my first year and then offered me friendship, I jumped at the chance. The only difference is that you had Lily, whereas I had no one."

He nodded. "Yes. I think what the breaking point truly was for Lily and I was one day, Potter and his groupies were being overly nasty to me. I'm sure that it was because he was trying to impress Lily. He'd embarrassed me so badly, not only in front of Lily but in front of so many people, that when she tried to take up for me, I was even more embarrassed, and I called her Mudblood."

"Oh, Severus..."

"She played it off," he continued as if she'd not spoken, "but I could see the hurt in her eyes. Knowing that it was me who'd put it there, and that it was Potter who'd defended her, was a slice in my heart. I went to her afterwards, practically camping at the Gryffindor entrance until she agreed to see me, and apologized, tried to explain, but things were never the same after that."

"Sometimes people do or say something so hurtful, it's very hard to take back. Especially when you were growing apart to begin with," Hermione said.

Because he was finished eating, Severus rose from the table and walked to her stove without commenting. Lifting the tea pot, he looked at her and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Go ahead. None for me, thanks. I'm just going to have a spot of warm milk. We can sit on the sofa now, if you'd like."

Without waiting for him to answer her, she turned and walked to the sofa, forgetting to get her milk. Or perhaps, Severus thought, she wanted him to make it for her. Pouring some in a glass, he used his wand and warmed the milk, just as his tea was ready to brew.

After he'd given Hermione her milk and gotten settled, Severus took a long sip of his tea, again, watching her face intently. He sighed. She looked so solemn, so unlike herself. "So tell me," he said, "how did the pregnancy happen? I know you were taking contraceptive potion."

Taking a sip, Hermione looked at him from over the top of her glass. "I'd gotten a bladder infection and had to take antibiotics. Apparently, they affected my potion."

"Damn it, Hermione!" Severus bellowed as he slammed his cup on the table, miraculously without breaking it. "If you'd needed a potion, why did you not come to me?"

Hermione laughed. "Come to you? Seriously, Severus, I couldn't come to you with anything. Why would that be any different?"

"You know very well that I would have given you a potion for your infection. The very idea that you took Muggle products when I was right there... I'm rather surprised the medication worked at all."

"Don't be ridiculous. By the time that I'd gotten the infection, I'd learned that the only thing you wanted from me was sex. No conversation, no dating, nothing like that. Besides, I didn't feel comfortable coming to you for that." She stiffened. "If you're this upset about the baby, don't be. I can manage by myself."

Her accusations about the way he'd treated her, though they were true, stung. She'd thought exactly what he'd wanted her to think, but knowing it now...hearing her say the words out loud...hurt him. "Have no worries, Hermione, I want to be...will be...a part of this baby's life." He needed her to understand that now.

"However, let me get this straight. You felt comfortable fuc...er...making love with me, but not coming to me for a potion?" He refused to call what had been between them the ugly term that almost slipped out of his mouth. If he wanted her, and he did, he was going to have to start acting accordingly.

"Not comfortable being with you, no, but I wanted you. I kept thinking, 'He'll change. Eventually, he'll want more from me than sex.'" She shook her head in denial. "Dangerous thoughts for a woman, thinking a man will change, I know. But there were times when you'd look at me a certain way, or hold me so possessively, and I'd foolishly think that meant you were coming around."

"Not foolish, Hermione. I had feelings for you, and I still do. I was fighting them."

"I have to wonder why you fought them when it was so obvious that I wanted you so badly. At any rate, I'd like for you to continue with your story, if you don't mind."

Wanted. Past tense. Well, they'd see about that. Severus wanted them to be a family. He wanted Liam to meet her and her children. Actually, he needed to meet them as well. Severus knew that he'd messed up, but surely if she cared for him, she would at least consider..."

"Severus? Severus? SEVERUS!"

"What? There's no need to yell so!"

"You're daydreaming. Look, if you don't want to talk to me about this anymore, don't. I'm rather surprised that you've told me this much."

"Woolgathering. And, yes, I'll continue. I told you I would, and I will."

Finishing her milk, Hermione placed her glass on the table beside the cup that Severus nearly broke and gestured for him to continue as she lay back on the couch. Severus slid further down to give her room to put her feet up on the couch.

He placed a pillow under her feet. "You look tired," Severus observed, sounding concerned.

"Yes, I am. It's hard to sleep and eat when you're constantly looking over your shoulder to see if a barrister is going to hand you papers at any moment."

"I apologize for the way I handled that. But, Hermione, you have to understand the position I was in and how it looked."

She shrugged. "It's in the past. Go on, please," she said with a yawn.

"As I've said, after the Mudblood incident, things were never really the same for us. I was suddenly beginning to get more friends in Slytherin, and Lily had whole-heartedly disapproved. I remember the day Narcissa Black came to me and asked if I'd meet her betrothed that weekend in Hogsmeade.

"Though he was in his seventh year when I began at Hogwarts, one does not forget Lucius Malfoy. Naturally, I agreed, flattered that he'd asked to see me, specifically. During that meeting, Lucius told me of a great wizard with exceptional values. He wanted to meet with me, wanted me to join his followers."

"You joined the Dark Lord while still in school?" Hermione asked, gobsmacked. She knew that Draco Malfoy had, but she thought that was something rarely done.

"No, but I did meet with him. Soon after, I started sneaking out through the Room of Requirement with Narcissa, Bella, and a few others to attend meetings. Lily knew I was up to something, and she tried one last time to stop me, but by that time, I didn't want to be stopped, you see. I felt powerful, wanted. Loved, even. And because I'd never really thought that I had a chance with Lily, I threw her friendship over."

"Had she been your..." Hermione moved her hand in a circle, trying to think of an appropriate word. "You know, your... lover?"

"No. One of my many regrets. I wanted that girl so badly. I loved her with the passion only a teenager can have, and without realizing it at the time, I sabotaged my own happiness. There at the end, the more I wanted her, the crueler I was to her.

"When I'd realized that I'd really lost her, that she was going to marry James Potter, that's when I'd truly decided to join the Dark Lord. I received my Dark Mark the day she got married. All I could think was that those friends stood by me while she didn't."

"Which is exactly what Voldemort and his followers wanted you to think."

"Oh, yes. The Dark Lord was most excellent in mind games. When he'd give his speeches, he could actually make you believe he was sincere, that we were superior. It's when he not only wanted to get the lesser, undeserving ones out of Hogwarts but when he also wanted to kill them and rule the entire wizarding world that I began to realize that he was actually quite mad."

"Then why didn't you leave, Severus?"

"Oh, I wanted to. He would have likely tortured and killed me if I'd tried, but at the time, it wouldn't have mattered to me. But you see, by then I had acquired another master, one just as frightening as the Dark Lord."

"Dumbledore." It was not a question.

"Yes, Dumbledore. You see, I had heard a prophecy that concerned the Dark Lord, and at the time that I heard it, I was still trying to please him and keep in his good graces. It wasn't until later that I'd learned my mistake. It could have been about one of two families. The Longbottoms or the Potters, and where Lily was concerned, I wasn't taking any chances."

"You still loved her, even after everything that had happened," Hermione murmured.

Severus nodded. "I've always loved her. So I went to the only person I could think of that would be powerful enough to go against the Dark Lord, the only man the Dark Lord ever feared. Albus Dumbledore. When I told him my dilemma, he found a way to turn the situation to his advantage, and in my desire to protect Lily, I agreed. I would have done anything for her."

"Even if it meant protecting your nemesis in the process."

"Even so. In the end, it didn't matter. He killed her anyway, and I vowed to protect her son for failing her so badly. Oh, how I wanted the Dark Lord to be dead after what had happened that Halloween night! But I knew in my soul that he wasn't. All of the Death Eaters knew."

"How horrid for you! Always wondering, always waiting..."

"For me? No, I'd chosen that life, and I had to live with it. Lily, however, did not. And she'd tried with all that she had to steer me away from it as well, but I couldn't be swayed. In the end, Albus insisted that I work at Hogwarts, so that he could keep an eye on me, I'm sure. And when the Dark Lord returned in your fourth year, my spying duties resumed."

Hermione nodded. Rising, she stretched and raised her arms over her head. "Sorry, I need the loo." Patting her tummy, she said, "Jr. here is sleeping on my bladder."

"Not at all," Severus told her. "Can I fix you a snack? You didn't really eat much supper."

"No, thank you. Right now, I'm honestly more tired than hungry. I'm taking my Prenatal Potion, so we're getting all the nutrients that we need. I'll be right back," she said before he could disagree.

Severus stood and stretched as well. He'd thought that talking about Lily with Hermione would be hard, but in an odd sort of way, he only felt relief. She didn't seem to judge him nor pity him, and he was thankful for that.

He thought of her lying on the couch, watching him intently as he talked of Lily and his early Death Eater days. He'd never talk to her...or anyone...about the things he'd done while he had been a Death Eater. But he really didn't think that she'd ask.

He turned when he heard her washing her hands and coming back into the room. "All right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Would you like more tea?"

"No. Hermione? I was wondering. When do your children come back from holiday?"

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

Raising an eyebrow, he asked, "Don't you think it would be prudent for your children to meet the father of their sibling? I know I would like to arrange a meeting between you and Liam. And also with Liam, Rose and Hugo."

"Don't you think that's rushing things a bit?"

"No, I don't. You've only four months to go, Hermione. Avoiding things won't stop them. I'm here, and I plan on helping you raise our child."

"It's too soon. I don't know anything at all about your son."

"Precisely, which is why I want you to meet him. Don't worry; I plan on telling you about him before hand." He motioned to the couch. "Have a seat, and I'll continue."

He watched her as she lay back down on the couch, still looking somewhat pale, and suddenly got an idea. "You know, I think I will have some more tea. And if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to fix myself a light snack."

"Not at all. But I'll fix it for you."

"No, you rest. I'll only be a moment, if you don't mind me puttering around in your kitchen."

She smiled. "Putter away."

He left her lying on the couch and started towards the kitchen. On his way, he spotted the table full of dirty dishes. Thinking that he didn't want to leave her a huge mess to clean in the morning, he gathered them up and took them into the kitchen.

After he'd washed, dried, and put the dishes away, Severus found cheese and apples. After arranging them on a tray with some crackers, he brewed his tea and warmed another glass of milk for Hermione.

Lifting it, he started back towards the couch. "Now Shannon, Liam's mother, she was some, but not all together, different from Lily."

He sat the tray down on the table and turned to look at her. She was sound asleep. Severus shook his head. Picking up the throw from the back of the couch, he covered her with it.

Deciding that he didn't want to leave, he sat down at the other end of the couch, placed a Stasis Spell on the cheese tray, and settled down. He laid his head on the back of the couch and stretched his legs in front of him, crossing his feet.

He turned his head and looked at her, longing to lift her and carry her to the bedroom. Not for sex, though that would be nice too, but just to hold her. She'd never allow it, he thought, then grudgingly, and rightfully so.

Ah, well. I will talk to her of my past, answer any questions she may have, and then hopefully we can move forward. Together. Smiling at the thought, Severus drifted off to sleep.

A/N: Up next, Shannon and Liam!