You Fall in Time

A/N: Thanks to all who have reviewed, keep it coming! I truly enjoy reading and commenting on your insights and questions. I know this is a long chapter, but I couldn't break it up. I hope some of you who are "pro-Lily" won't flame me too badly for the things said. Again, thanks to my beta, ImOnMedication.

Amanda didn't see Severus for a while after that. She was concerned as to how he was handling his emotions. As far as she knew, it had been his first kiss. She realized he dealt with a lot of guilt over the rape he committed against that Muggle girl all those years ago. He was going to have to come to terms with his past. Amanda could not absolve him and was wise enough not to try. The only one to absolve him properly was that poor girl, and she was dead. There was no one to say, "I forgive you." He was going to have to forgive himself. And that would be, for Snape, the most difficult step to take.

And talking about difficult steps, Amanda had her own bugaboo to face. The information that Severus had shared with her about her father had left her so sad and empty inside she thought she would always feel as if she had been hollowed out. She had not been blessed with the most upright of parents. Like Severus, she had been forced to find her own way, her own direction, since the directions her parents provided were unacceptable.

Amanda knew she had to forgive her father: her lying, deceitful, conniving, vicious, rapist of a father. She refused to take on his guilt and punish herself for his sins. She would find her own way, but she had to let him go. So she took the separation from Severus to work out her newfound knowledge of whom her father truly had been. She cried and went over all the happy memories of the Papa she knew and reconciled him to the truth of the real person he was behind her back. The man who tucked her in at night also stalked women and raped them. The same man who sang to her and took her horseback riding and threw her birthday parties was also at the same time the man who killed women after torturing them. He had kissed her every night before she slept and afterwards would force his mouth on screaming women. It was enough to drive her insane.

Maybe he had wanted to be good? Perhaps he had tried? NO! she decided. Perhaps no one is completely good or completely evil. We all have the capacity for evil and good. Her father chose to be a deceptive and cruel person. So, she cried over the loss, over the Papa she thought she knew, and then came to the realization she would have to let him go and forgive him, which meant she would have to give him up, release herself from him, and hand him over to the Great Deity in the Heavens to face and be judged. That is going to take a long time, she thought while she cried. Then came the most horrible thought of all: how am I ever going to be able to trust another man again?

She was actually grateful now that she and Severus were taking a break. Things had happened so fast and the kiss was so rash. For all she knew, she could have opened a Pandora's box! What had she been thinking? How would she ever be able to trust him?

***

They continued to meet after a two-week separation. Amanda realized upon seeing him how much he needed space from her, and so she did not pressure him into revealing his inner turmoil. The weather was vile, but they persevered, just in heavier clothing. He started to explain some of the things about Amanda's father's personality and the oddities the young woman found that she could not understand.

"You must understand, Amanda, that your father was mentally unstable. He had horrible rages that would come over him. He could be calm one moment, and then would set off and disappear for hours, returning return with a couple of girls. What was reprehensible was that we were forced to watch. I say forced because I didn't want to see Muggle women and girls being raped. I developed a lack of interest in sex after I raped that girl. For a 17-year-old to not want sex was hilarious. I was the brunt of all kinds of jokes until my magic became dark enough to make them all believe that dark magic was sex for me. But, uh, actually for years I was... impotent," he whispered softly.

She did not say one word. That must have been so humiliating for him to reveal. Maybe one day in the future she could say to him how much a respected his trust in her to be so open, but not now.

"I'm not anymore. I realized that after the Dark Lord was gone. A few years went by, and I was noticing some of the seventh year girls trying to flirt with me for better grades. Especially Slytherin girls...they were ruthless and merciless. But I never touched them. I have never crossed that line. I need you to believe me."

"I do, Severus, I do." She didn't know what else to say.

There was an awkward silence and she winced. She was so grateful to be on this side of the tree! Finally, he continued his assessment of her father.

"Amanda, your father, I think, continued in his rages, from what you've told me. And the dungeon you found...well, he probably was indulging in his 'Muggle hunting,' as he called it after you went off to school. Your mother was gone; he probably had either shown her his sexually deviant side or she discovered it, and that's what made her flee. But you would have to talk with her about it. Honestly, Amanda, I am shocked to learn he did not harm you before that night. He was an evil man. I would not put him above committing incest." There was tightness in his voice. Was he crying?

"Do you want to talk it, Severus?" she asked timidly.

"Not really. I was so used to being ganged up on. Fucking Potter and his Marauders! Four against one, always ...." He all of a sudden bolted and started walking back to the castle. She jumped up and raced after him.

"Severus!" she called out.

He strode fast, ignoring her. She ran faster. By the time he reached his secret passageway to the dungeons, she was on his heels.

"Leave me be!" he snarled.

She grabbed onto his arms. "No, you're far too emotional. You shouldn't be alone," she insisted.

He stood silent and rigid. Amanda did not release him; he was finally going to let it out. Please, please say something! she begged to herself.

"I trusted Lucius. I knew that there was going to be some sort of sexual initiation. He told me the procedure. After I was branded with the Dark Mark, I was to be entrusted into Malfoy's care. He was to be a kind of "guide" for me to follow as I acclimated into my new life as a Death Eater. He informed me beforehand that some sort of initiation after my audience with the Dark Lord ended would take place. He told me it was going to be sexual in nature. I didn't know if I was going to have to have masturbate in front of them or if someone was going to have sex with me, or if I was going to have to have sex with someone in front of everyone...but Lucius had promised me he was going to take care of me, and if I was going to get buggered, it was going to be him. He told me to trust him." He clenched and unclenched his jaw. He's coming unglued, and I'm kind of happy about it. He needs to let it out,. she thought.

"I need a drink," he said abruptly.

"I'll join you," she offered just as abruptly.

He leaned into her and looked down at the young woman with mixed feelings. "Fine. But if come into my rooms, don't expect me to be a gentleman!" he growled.

"If you touch me, I'll hex you six ways from Sunday!" she swore.

"You obviously take me for a desperate man, Miss Dangler."

She looked at him. "Is that the best you can do? You can insult me better than that!" She smirked.

His mouth twitched; he was trying hard not to laugh.

"After you," he said with a formal bow.

***

He drank and drank. She thought so much alcohol consumption would kill a man as thin as he was. But again, he is tall, she thought. As he drank he started telling her about an incident in which he lost the only woman he loved...who had been his best friend...and the only person who ever truly loved him. He went on and on about her patience and caring ways, and how that arsehole Potter had stolen her from him.

Amanda snorted.

He turned to her, confused, with tears streaming down his face. She was sitting on the sofa, arms crossed, frowning, and shaking her head.

"What! I loved her, I wanted to marry her!" he fumed.

Amanda was annoyed. "You wanted to possess her; you didn't love her! She was your obsession! And I see in death you are still obsessed!"

His eyes were boring into hers. "I would have done ANYTHING for her. I wanted to DIE when she died!" he roared.

Amanda covered her ears and looked at the ceiling. His voice was so loud; Amanda thought the ceiling would cave in. This was getting ridiculous and she wasn't going to put up with his delusions anymore.

"Severus," she said calmly as she got up and walked to him. "When you love someone, you do what is best for them, not yourself."

"But that is why I had to get power and acclaim, for her! Potter with his damn Quidditch and women drooling over him. What did I have to catch her eye and keep her?"

"Keep her? Keep her?" she shrieked. "People are not to be kept! You have a very possessive nature, Severus. You'd do best to check yourself...because that is fucked up!" she warned him.

They were silent for a while, and then Amanda brought up something he had told her about an argument he'd had with Lily.

"Remember you told me a while ago that you and she almost came to blows after the Lupin/Werewolf incident?"

"Yes," he said, drawn out.

You said you were so angry because she didn't like what your friends were doing dabbling in the dark arts. Then you got angry with her because she defended the Mauraders because in her words, 'At least they don't use dark magic.'

"Correct," he said, weighing her words carefully now.

"Then she says that you are ungrateful because Potter saved your life, and you just went off the deep-end with her!"

"I did no such thing!" he snarled.

"Liar! You told me you knew Potter wanted Lily for himself, and his act of heroism was just a ploy to steal her away from you. You started to tell her you were not going to 'let her' get close to Potter. Then she jumped on your case about you 'letting her' do anything. Do you see what I see? You laid claim on her like she was your property and how dare that evil bully Potter try and take what's yours."

He walked closer to her...he was so drunk, otherwise there was no way he would ever be so forthright!

"What would you suggest of me? What woman wants to be shagged by a man with greasy hair?" he said pathetically.

"Oh, come on, Severus!" she laughed. "You and I both know it's because of the damn potions. I've got the same problem. Why do you think I keep my hair in a bun all the time?"

"What woman wants a pale, hooked nosed, ugly git?"

"Hey, some women think a large nose is a sign of good things underneath the robes," she retorted with a wink and a smile.

He glared at her. "I'm thin; I've no muscles."

"Big deal! Some women don't like bulging muscles! It's overrated. Besides, you're toned and strong!" She argued with her chin jutting out in defiance.

"I don't smile, I sneer."

"Women love that!" she said in mock desire, her eyes widening.

He blushed. The stupid git actually blushed! Amanda started giggling and laughing. He started laughing too. But then he got serious and morose again. She noticed they were so close he could kiss her quite easily.

"But you are beautiful. I saw your eyes when I was in the hospital." He leaned into her. "Your eyes are like flashes of magic from a wand...that flash purple. With your hair down, you are so beautiful...." He stopped talking and swiftly took her wand from her hair and ran his hands through it. "I love your hair, Amanda," he whispered as he inhaled her scent. He buried his face into her hair and crushed her to him. She slowly pulled away. He stiffened up a little and walked away to pour himself another drink. She sat back down on the sofa.

Something was happening between them, and she was sure he wanted to kiss her again, perhaps even more. But, before anything more could happen, this whole "Lily situation" had to be put to rest...at least to Amanda's satisfaction. She would have to take a different approach.

"If Lily was really worth all this bullshite crying and mourning, she should have been worthy of it," she murmured, waiting for the explosion.

"WHAT?" he screamed as he slammed his glass on the table, shattering it into pieces.

Amanda jumped up. "Hell yes, Severus! If you had pulled that Death Eater shite on me, I would have lit into you at the start. None of this, 'I make excuses your for bad behavior to other people.' She gave her approval for your bad behavior...by omission...because she didn't love you! If she had truly loved you, and wanted you, she would have fought for you. That whole 'I can't forgive you because you called me a Mudblood'...well that's just a piss-poor excuse for her to end the relationship so she could have a clean conscience! She had already had enough. That was just the proverbial straw, Severus."

He gaped at Amanda as if he could not register what she was saying. And as she continued her railing against Lily, she walked closer and closer to him, gesturing with her hands until they were inches apart by the end of her diatribe.

"I'm serious! Because when you love someone, you don't sit on your arse and let that kind of shit go down! Five years she sat back and just watched Malfoy and that lot suck you in. And sure, she bitched from time to time, but she never laid down the law with you. And what is worse is that she knew how love starved and needy you were for acceptance! And that's just bang out of order, Severus! She was not invested enough in you to stand up to you and call your actions for what it was: a bag of wank...and tell you flat out that you were on the road to hell! If she ever really loved you, she would have told you, 'Severus, I love you, and I don't give a DAMN what those blighters think about their pure-blood bullshite and their power trips. If you want to be a man to me, then be my man and tell those fuckers to go fuck themselves! Because you are too GOOD and DECENT for that lot!"

Now she was angry. She was so angry that this formidable, intelligent man in front of her, one of the most powerful wizards in the world, was spending his days and nights mourning for a woman so unworthy of him. She couldn't take it anymore.

She had to leave before she really lost her temper and either started hexing him again or snog him senseless! And why she felt such an intense desire to snog him when she was so angry with him was disturbing on so many levels, she didn't know where to begin! So, she grabbed her cloak and started to storm out. She halted at the doorway and turned to face him with one more question.

"Severus, if Lily had ever once told you she wanted to be with you for the rest of her life, that she wanted to be your wife, and give you children, would you have taken the Dark Mark?" Then she turned and left him to his thoughts.

Snape just stood there half-pissed and seemingly paralyzed by her words.

***

A week later, they were grading papers late one evening...not speaking...and silently carried on. He was so angry that she had insulted Lily, and she was completely hacked off that he was wasting so much of himself on some ideal of that woman. Not that I care, she thought stubbornly. I don't want him.

He would glare at her from time to time if she made too much noise with her quill or rustled her papers too much. She half-wished he would just hex her so she could just have an excuse to completely lose it and give him a good thrashing!

She finished her work after four hours of silence. When she rose to leave, and he said, "Tomorrow at 2:00. I'll be there," he did not break his stride.

"Fine," she answered coolly. She was almost out the door when she spun around to address him.

"I've figured out something, Snape," she said haughtily.

He fixed his eyes on hers and sneered at her attempts to goad him. "And what is that, Miss Dangler?"

"You hate teaching because you are faced every day with youth. All that potential, all that future, it reminds you every minute of every day what you lost, what you threw away, and what you can never get back. You live constantly in the failures of your youth...in all that waste."

She leaned in across the desk that separated him. This was what he hated so much. Her earnestness, her ability to drive right through the walls and force him to face all the things he wanted to so desperately forget and avoid. This constant collision between them wearied him, but at the same time sparked a hope that was...disturbing!

He bolted up and faced off with her. "Why must you continue to force me to face so much pain? You have stripped me bare. What is your point to all this? Or do you just want to destroy me?" he said angrily.

"No!" she cried. "I just want you to see that life is all around you. Instead of blasting rose bushes and getting off on humiliating students who are discovering love and exploring their feelings, maybe you should be doing some rolling around in some rosebushes yourself! You are alive you know, no matter how much you want to deny it!" she yelled as she stormed out of the room.

"I don't know where to even start with you...you barmy witch! Just go away! Just leave me be!" he yelled after her, so annoyed that she could make him feel like a stupid dunderheaded schoolboy! He sat down hard in his chair. He couldn't even summon his usual sarcastic, indifferent, manner towards her anymore. How was it possible to want to hex a witch into oblivion AND rip her clothes off and fuck her within an inch of her life at the same time?

***

She had barely enough time to get comfortable against her side of the tree before her hearing was assaulted with the following words, "I raped and murdered a young virgin girl. She was maybe 16. Your father had her ready for me. I did it. I just did it. I had never touched a woman before, except the hugs from Lily and the kisses she'd give me on my cheek, but I had never touched a woman's naked body, or ever had a woman touch me. And then I do this horrible thing, and then I killed her. And if that wasn't wretched enough, I'm partly responsible for Lily's death! I have never touched a woman since. Why should I ever think I deserve a woman, that I have any right to enjoy a woman's touch?"

Oh dear God! It's true! He has never truly been intimate with a woman. And what's worse is that he thinks he should never be able to, Amanda thought.

"Well, Severus, I saw it. You know I saw it. You and I know that it was a test of your 'loyalty', and from the look on your face, you were torn between disgust and lust. From what you've told me, you were required to watch these rape sessions, you were being groomed and conditioned to think of sex as power and pain. You were raped yourself before you raped that poor girl. You were violated, betrayed, and I saw that. I saw the shock and horror on your face. The horror on your face was so much like the horror on your face when you raped that girl. You have to mourn the loss of your innocence, Severus. Then you have to let both of them go."

"Both? Who?

"The Muggle girl and Lily. You have to forgive yourself and let them go. I have to accept the reality of my father for what he was and let him go. He wasn't who I thought he was. Now he's dead, and I'll never be able to have the relationship I should have had with him. It's gone...it's over. You and I were just thrown into this world that was sick and twisted. I hurt for you, I hurt for the evil my father committed against you and I hurt for the evil you committed against that poor Muggle girl. Hurting people hurt people, and they in turn hurt more people. It is a virus that cannot be cured, only contained. There always will be evil and pain in this world. But you turned from it! You did not continue to rape. You were so guilt-ridden you became impotent, for the love of Merlin! If that isn't remorse, I don't what is! Don't keep on hurting yourself, punishing yourself for your past sins. Let yourself be the man you know you can be. The man you really want to be. That is all that's needed for amends. At least in my view."

"You talk too much!" he said irritably.

Amanda turned to the side of the tree to get a glimpse of him. Son-of-a-bitch! Of all the things I said, he had to say that?

"Are you completely insane?" she snarked.

"Probably."

***

A/N: So you know, the comment by Amanda, "Women love that" to rebut what Snape said, "I don't smile, I sneer," came from a MASH episode. I am a HUGE MASH fan. It's taken from a scene when Hawkeye and Radar are in Rosie's Bar, and Radar is unsure of drinking his grape Nehi because "It makes my teeth purple." To that, Hawkeye retorts as he downs his liquor, "Women love that!" It just came to me as a humorous retort to so many pathetic excuses Snape uses to sabotage relationships.