I Lost my Place
Chapter 4 of 9
livvy6Amanda read the letter from Snape as she sat in the infirmary. She had stoutly refused to tell Dumbledore what caused Snape to attack her so viciously. The old wizard respected her sense of propriety and loyalty to her word that she would never speak to another soul about the private life of Severus Snape. She sat in her hospital bed nibbling on a thumbnail, refusing to look him in the eye. She looked so very sad and forlorn. After a minute of silence, Dumbledore acquiesced, but with the following rules: there would be no more baiting, dueling, hexing, or jinxing. Whatever was between them would be resolved once and for all, or she would be sent packing back to her mother.
After Dumbledore left, Amanda took Snape's letter out from underneath her pillow As she re-read the letter, tears made their familiar path down her face. She was so weary of crying, so tired of knowing, and so angry with all of the lies that she was so familiar with now.
Miss Dangler,
I am deeply shocked and regretful at my actions towards you, my student and fellow Slytherin. Your tragedies of late have not escaped my notice, as you well know after performing Legilimency on you. I am now aware of everything you were forced to witness. It is a terrible thing to learn a person that you once loved so freely could ever lie and hurt you in such a manner.
My hope is that you will find a sense of peace in your life. Do not fear or upset yourself on my account. I do not wish to make you pay for your father's treachery. Allow yourself to be released from fears of retribution.
I will be formally asking the Headmaster for your removal from this school. There could never be a teacher/student relationship between us; the informality that now exists would only cause further complications, and I cannot have that in my classroom. I do not throw all of this at your feet. My culpability is as equal, if not greater to yours. After all, you only acted purely out of self-preservation. I also acted purely out of my own self-preservation, but your purity far outweighs my own.
My best wishes for a full and happy life,
S. Snape
Amanda sighed deeply as she put away the letter. She still feared the man, but she also mourned for the boy. For somehow, the look on his face as her father brutalized him was not unlike her own face now when she would catch her reflection in the mirror whenever she thought of the Papa she once thought she knew.
***
Five months later, a tall and volatile woman was making her way towards the Headmaster's office. She was in no mood for any excuses or refusals. She opened the door with a flourish and strode to the Headmaster's desk. Her cold steel-blue eyes flashed murder as she spoke in a low and clipped tone.
"I want to speak with your Potions master, Severus Snape, immediately!" she fumed.
Dumbledore knew of Madam Peale's reputation. She was the most respected Potions mistress in the country, and well known for her sharp wit and impatient demeanor. This woman did not suffer fools.
Snape was beyond reason when he realized why he had been summoned to the Headmaster's office. I cannot believe this is happening! Why in the name of Merlin does this harridan want to force her child on me? he raged inside.
"I do not see why Miss Dangler should apprentice with me. Obviously, she has a mother who has more experience and is far more capable than I to teach her," Snape said silkily.
Madam Peale walked over to Snape in the most intimidating way she could. She fixed her eyes on his. She was a very tall woman and stood eye to eye for her face off with the Potions master.
"Do not ever try to attempt condescension with me, Professor Snape. My daughter's education has been lacking...and I say that in the most positive way I am able. My ex-husband may have been able to manipulate his way into having her attend that idiotic French school, but she is now my responsibility. I want her to have a proper British education. As her mother, she cannot become accredited under my mentorship. You, Professor Snape, have a dubious reputation, and even though I am shocked and horrified at my daughter's treatment by your hands, she is, nonetheless, most eager to return. Although your demeanor makes me question why my daughter is so eager to be under your tutelage, nevertheless, I am of the same mind. For even though your social skills are lacking to say the least, your reputation as a Potions master is, for your age...unparalleled."
Snape spoke slowly and deliberately. "Madam Peale, I believe it is because of the past altercations I have had with your daughter that it would not be prudent for me to mentor her. Surely, there are other Potion masters that would be more than happy to take her on as an apprentice."
"No," she said calmly. "I reject your refusal, Professor Snape. If you wish to ever have any sort of future either inside or beyond these walls, I suggest you think long and hard about this offer. I will expect your answer by the end of tomorrow. I will be staying in Hogsmeade. You may Owl me at the Three Broomsticks. Good day, gentlemen."
And with that, Madam Peale swept from the room.
Snape was livid. He glared at the Headmaster. Dumbledore shook his head. "I warned you, Severus. Madam Peale holds sway in very important circles in your chosen field and also with the Board of Governors. Not only would it be career suicide for you to refuse, but also our 'arrangement' with your situation here at Hogwarts could be threatened. Madam Peale is a very influential witch. And, unfortunately, the name 'Dangler' still holds much power. There still are influential wizards and witches at the Ministry who still fear that man's name. Please, Severus, how bad could it be? Miss Dangler is now a little older...she did return to Beauxbatons and completed her N.E.W.T.s with top marks. She's now 18, an adult. You and she can act accordingly. I'm sure what had occurred between the two of you is water under the bridge by now. Please, consider this, Severus."
Snape set his jaw and glared at the old man. He left and slammed the door in his wake. He practically ran down to the dungeons, blasting every jar in his office he saw until the rage subsided. His chest constricted tightly. He did not want this. He did not want that girl who forced him to see the image of his evilness to be so near him. Amanda Dangler could bring nothing but more pain into his life. He knew it wasn't her fault. She was nothing like Dangler. But, her earnestness, her anger, and her pity...he could remember vividly how she looked at him with such pity right after he performed Legilimency on her. He felt he was a 17-year-old boy again, bleeding on that dungeon floor. Then there was her revulsion...as he held her by the throat and she had begged him to go ahead and torture, rape and kill her...just to be put out of her misery and fear. He recalled the same face on the first and only woman he had ever touched, and he had raped her. He had never been able to touch another woman after that. There was just something about Amanda that made him face things he had never wanted to face again. He just wanted it all to stay buried. But every time he saw those eyes, that face, it all came back, and they would collide.
He decided to take a walk and hopefully exhaust himself. He was far too angry to get drunk. He needed vigorous exercise, to try and find a way out of this nightmare! Then, just when he started to calm down, he saw her standing on the hill by which he had been climbing. She was being whipped by the wind. He noticed her blonde hair had been curled, and she was lovely. She looked older. Her robes blew in the wind as she made her way down to him.
He could not believe this day. When she had barely reached him, he lit into her.
"Why can't you leave me alone? I don't want you around me, or my school! What do you want from me?" he roared. His mind was reeling. He couldn't find it within himself to intimidate her. He was a boy again, vulnerable and weak. He hated her!
She blanched, but did not back down. "Please, Professor, my mother wants me to be a Potions mistress, I don't. But, what I do need are answers that can only come from you. Answers...not potions. My life is just one big lie, and I can't seem to make sense of it!"
"How is that any of my business?" he snapped rudely as he tried to side step her.
"Please! Since I left here and returned to France, I couldn't forget you, and I couldn't let go of what I knew. I am so lost now. I'll never be able to have any kind of whole life until I can understand or at least put my father's choices into some perspective."
He snorted. "I am so pleased that by finishing your education at Beauxbatons has gifted you with the ability to restrain your emotions. Now if you would kindly allow me to be on my way?" he said sarcastically
She blocked his way, and he tried to dodge her, but she deliberately collided with him and hung on to him desperately.
"Look, I know that you didn't choose for me to know the things I know...but neither did I. My father lied to me my whole life, and my mother doesn't care about anything except her reputation and what I can do for her. Eighteen years of lies, and I don't know who I am!" she cried shrilly.
Snape tried to get her vise grip off his robes. "Remove yourself from my person, Miss Dangler!" he yelled. His chest was constricting, and he felt so weak.
"No! Not until you help me. I need answers!" she screamed.
All of a sudden, Snape grabbed his chest and doubled over in pain. Amanda grabbed him, and he fell into her arms. His breathing was labored and his skin clammy. She screamed for help, but no one came. She grabbed him, pulled his arm over her shoulder, and trudged up the hill. As they landed at the top, she collapsed. Teachers who were chatting nearby saw the tangled mess of the Potions master and an unknown woman. She screamed for help, for Pomfrey. That was the last Snape recalled: the screaming of Amanda for help as she cradled him in her arms like a child.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Collide
35 Reviews | 6.29/10 Average
Wow . . . that was intense! O_o
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the story! Thanks for reviewing.Livvy
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the story! Thanks for reviewing.Livvy
wheee... new chapter!The part with "there is both good and evil in people" is true. I mean, a person can actually be two-faced. To have a bright side and a dark one. Snape, on the other hand, blames everything that happened for not having a normal life. Amanda is right: he should really just let go all those horrible things that happened to him.They really, really need each other to discover their true selfs.btw... HPFF is driving me crazy. I finished the new chapter but they took a validation break... 'till january 3rd.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Oh, I know. THey are very conservative, but they aren't particular about grammer at all. THat's one of the reasons I started coming here and THe Restricted Section. Well, I'll check after the 3rd for your next chappie.
Glad you liked the chapter!
Thanks,
Livvy
I LOVE Amanda she is a breath of fresh air! Severus needed to hear a few home truths, and she is dishing it to him in spades!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks alot. I was sweating over this one. But dammit, I just had this stuff coming out and I'm so glad so far people have been cool with Amanda's views on Lily. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Thanks,
Livvy
I started this story tonight, I usually stay away from OC stories, but your summary hooked me. So, you've asked for the good and the bad...I think your story idea is good, I thought in the first couple of chapters the pace was a little fast...and at times I thought Snape's reactions were a bit over the top...however, I loved the part after they fight in class and he realizes why she is acting the way she does...and I do like the tentative friendship they've developed. OK, this chapter...for me...I can't see Snape asking such personal questions and even her responses seem a bit inappropriate, that being said the part where Snape states that he has forfeited his right to probably have a woman was beautifully written, and it feels like something Snape would think/feel. I'm heading off to the next chapter!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks for reviewing! I appreciate all your comments and I have to admit, this story has been the most difficult for me to write. I stuck with it though, trying to see where I could stretch Snape and see how he deals with a very volitile and "in your face" kind of girl that Amanda is. I'm happy you are still sticking with the story. I hope you are satisfied with the conclusion.
Thanks again,
Livvy
This really was a long chapter. Love it. Now for the chapter itself. I think its great that you explained everything in the beginning. It helps put everything into its place. And as for Lucius, never trust anyone who says trust me. lol Thats what I found. Especially someone with the last name Malfoy. Bad news all around. Oh Amanda you go girl. Tell him like it is. If Lily truly loved you she would have been with you not Potter. She made her choice. Deal with it. What you truly want and need is right in front of you. So don't be a git and lose it. She gets in you face and tells you the truth. Now learn something from your past. And I hope Amanda works through her issues with men.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
LOL! You made me laugh. So true, never trust a Malfoy when he says "trust me". And Lily, oh man, yeah, she needed to tell him off. That's the kind of girl Amanda is, she'll blow you out of the water! Yes, Amanda will be coming to terms with a lot soon.
Thanks for reviewing! I hope you like the next chapter.
Livvy
wow... this is like the best chapter everi simply adore it!!!!the dialogue between those two was simply perfectit was... beyond wordsthat part when she said his namethey need each otherto understand. to accept. to love.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yes! That was what I was hoping to convey. There is so much sorrow in their lives, they need to lean on one another and in turn help each other.
Thanks for reviewing!
Livvy
Oh my what a chapter. It reveled so much. Well done.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks for reviewing! I loved writing this chapter.
Livvy
While she has him pegged, doesn't she? She sure will give him a run for his money.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
They are quite the pair aren't they! More to be revealed!
Livvy
Interesting. Are you implying Severus is a virgin or is he just shocked she isn't?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Severus is a virgin in a way, a very important way. Remember from when Amanda viewed her father's pensieve and saw Snape ordered to rape and kill the Muggle girl? That was a significant , or you could say defining moment in his sexual life. I can say that he does feel threatened and perhaps scared that she has had experience and he is very curious as to how "normal" sexual relations are like. Lots of dysfunction and insecurity there with Snape. More to be revealed.
Thanks for reviewing
Livvy
Oh my what could have happened. And Peale wow scary woman. What is it she doesn't she have time to take care of her own child?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Madame Peale basically got the crap scared out of her when she realized what kind of man she had married. Dumbledore told Severus Dangler refused her to take the child from him. She is a cold woman and chose to save her own skin and I guess felt even a sexual predator like Dangler would still have enough scruples to keep Amanda safe. You see it a lot with abusive men. For example, Nazis, they loved their families and took care of thier children, but thought nothing at all to torture, rape, and kill Jews. This was the kind of man Dangler was and that will be mentioned later.
Another thing about Madame Peale, she pushed her daughter to take on her profession of Potions mistress, while Amanda had her heart set on becoming an Auror. It is obvious Peale only cares about herself and her own status and she views her daughter as an extension of herself. Amanda will have to come to decision about her mother's forced influence on her life.
Livvy
I don't see Severus as a victim. He chose to become a Death Eater. I don't think staying away from her will help the situation. She needs to see the Severus. All of his sides. To see that her father was a very sick man.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yes, he chose to be a death eater, but did he chose to be raped? That is the victimization I am referring to. Snape will talk about his feelings about his own rape as well as the rape of the Muggle girl.
True, they need each other to help the other to put the past to rest. THey both were given warped ideas of the world and the people in those worlds at a young age- even at 15, 16, 17, those are critical years.
Thanks for reviewing,
Livvy
Response from Arabella Bloodgood (Reviewer)
I wonder if Severus knew what he was getting into when he thought about joining the Death Eaters. Do they tell them ahead of time what is expected of them? If not then the only chose he had was either be raped or killed.
It's amazing the line between love and hate. A very powerful chapter. And the bit about her hexing Draco, loving it .
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yeah, I've always hated that little bastard. There is a lot of tension and fear there- on both sides. And it's interesting you pointed that out: the opposite of love is not hate: it is indifference. And these two are NOT indifferent to one another.
Livvy
Oh my I wonder who her father is at first I thought it was Severus and then Voldermort and now I'm just not so sure now. I can't wait to find out.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Interesting point of view! Hope you continue to like the story.
Livvy
I must admit that I enjoy your writing style, but I'm dispappointed that all of your stories seem to have the same themes--rape, boy gets girl in the end. Do you have any that aren't abusive and themed with rape? I also wish you would write a story with Hermione. that would be great.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
I wish I could write a SS/HG fic. I love them, and read them all the time. Unfortunately, I can not write Hermione. I don't think I have the ability to give her character an honest voice. Now, Snape, I know-and there is enough dysfunction to go around.
My very first fic, "It's not going to stop", doesn't have rape and the more darker aspects that I admit the ones I am writing now have taken. Also, there is no fairy tale ending.
My husband agrees with you, but I have to admit, I write what I know. I'm not saying my stories are my life, but having experiences with dating men who were like Snape before I found the wonderful man my husband is- I feel I understand the character and the many, many, issues that surround this complex character.
My next fic that I will post after "Collide" is not centered on rape, there are aspects of abuse, but not physical, more emotional. And even that is not prolonged. Hopefully, you'll like the change, although the fic is still serious. When you have Snape as a male romantic lead, these things can not be avoided. He is a very psychologically warped character, and I like to remain true to what Rowling gave us. I love the quote she said when a woman claimed she would love to be in a relationship with Snape. First, Rowling asked her if she were thinking about Snape or Alan Rickman! LOL
But the thing Rowling said that stuck with me was when she shuddered and said; "Who would want Snape to be in love with them. That's a scary thought." And it is- to me, so I have to work with him. I guess I do "work out" my own feelings through my writing Snape. My Original characters are so hard to write. I blame the muse! I've been able to be more honest and open about feelings I have had inside me and have shared them with people like yourself, more than with people I've known my whole life.
Sorry this is so long. Your comment truly has struck a chord. I do hope you'll keep reading after you've read this one. Once you've been told by a man "You belong to me- you are mine" and then experience what that means, you can never be light-hearted about certain things again. You can grow to forgive and see them in a new light, but never light-hearted.
Thanks,
Livvy
Response from Cissy_n_Snape (Reviewer)
In no way did I mean to sound as if I thought the subject matter was flippant. Many of us have experience abusive relationships and rapes. I guess that's why I choose not to read about them, to be away from it. I guess it's why it was disappointing that this was another one.You have a very different perception of Snape than I do. Canon has the Harry filter where we get to see what a prat Snape is to Harry and other students, but if you'll look at all the situations where we see Snape without Harry's filter or with other adults when he doesn't know Harry is around, he's well liked by the others (staff, Order), amicable (hangs round in the staff room, goes to parties), and even caring (clutches a chair to show concern over Ginny Weasley's fate, other things)--though not sappy. After book seven, I've seen first hand how Snape is with someone he loves, and I will never be able to buy an overly controlling Snape completely I'm afraid. He was quite whipped by Lily, even crying over here nearly 20 years later. I've read the Rowling interviews as well, and I believe up until now (after it's all said and done), she was trying to steer people clear of what was deep down behind his mask. She wanted us to dislike Snape so we'd be duped when we found out he was actually Dumbledore's man. She's finally changed her tune.I think you could do Hermione justice. You make these girls sound just fine. Have you tried to write her? Perhaps write a story from Snape's pov only so that you don't have to be inside Hermione's head. That might be a starting place for you.No hard feelings. I will check into what you upload next to see if it's my cuppa. Good luck
I love the first two chapters. I couldn't read them all because I got to go to work, but be assured, I will catch up!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you are liking the story!
Livvy
and again... interesting posture of snape... never would have thought of it. i wonder, though, if his "immature" feelings have anything to do with lilyupdate soon!(btw, I finally finishedwith my exams- i did well even on algaebra :); my third chpater will appear soon too)
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Excellent! Congrats on Algebra- I was an abysmal failure at it. I was more of a geometry person. Can't wait for your next chappie, I've been looking to see if you had posted.
Yes, Lily will be an interesting discussion point between these two and I hope I won't be scalped by those who are die-hard Lily fans. Amanda has her own opinion about Lily. I guess I can always blame the muse! :)
I'll be waiting for your Chapter three!
Thanks,
Livvy
wow... i swear, your stories keep getting better and better by each chapter
thinking at snape as at a victim is simply...different amanda's mom is realy, really annoying... i hate parents who act like this :)and about snape and amanda...they both need someone who can understand them
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yes, they both have a lot of hurt and betrayal issues. Plus they both use aggression to hide thier feelings behind. It's going to continue to be bumpy for a while, stubborn people! LOL
Thanks,
Livvy
i like that picture of amandait really suits the characterhey- i finally learned how to review on tpp - it was SO hard - or it was me being clumbsy
on the other handgood chapterkind of scary, thoughthe concept is very interestingit explains her rage against snape... and his against herkeep it up! i can't wait to see what's next 
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks, when I saw her picture I thought, damn that's her! Especially in later chapters, can't tell you why, but the hair up and not perfect looking and all in black.
Sorry you had a time trying to review. It's so different for each site, but I'm glad you got theough.
Thanks,
Livvy
"It was unbelievable for a student to attack a teacher so quickly" good one 
i use to attack the teachers later, thats for sure the "relationship" between amanda and snape will be very interesting to watchit's fantastic the way you use snape's characternever would thought of that
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thank you so much!Livvy
wow... extraordinary storygreat chaptersnape as a victim... it's a very interesting point of viewkind of creepy, tooseverus and amanda can't seem to stay together longer then 5 minutes without cursing each otherand amanda really seems that doesn't belong there, to hogwartscan't wait to see what happens next
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
It's great seeing you over on this site! Awe, that was sweet. I feel so much better now. Yes, that's the thing with those two. They definately grate on each other's nerves.
Thanks so much for reviewing!
Livvy
"The robes burst off him" you do mean "ropes", right? cuz somehow I think there'd be more of a commotion if his robes came off.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Whoops! That would be correct-much more upsetting given the situation.Thanks!Livvy
very intense, i like it, keep it coming
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Thanks for reviewing! It is very intense, but I hope you will continue to like it and keep with the story. I LIVE for reviews!
Next chapter will be up soon.
Thanks,
Livvy
very true words, but does Snape listen?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
It's going to take some tie for it to sink in :)
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
It's going to take some tie for it to sink in :)
urg, what an ugly scene. I trust the rest gets easier to swallow. My thoughts? Well, probably D.E. inauguratíons could be somewhat like this but they also are great fighters and strategists. All the violence against women doesn't win a war, does it?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yes, it was pretty horrific, but it was only specific parts that Amanda's father wanted her to see.THanks for reviewing!Livvy
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
Yes, it was pretty horrific, but it was only specific parts that Amanda's father wanted her to see.THanks for reviewing!Livvy
OH MY! What has hapened to Severus?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Collide)
He's had a really hard life coupled with two bad choices. He's got a lot of self-loathing.Livvy