Descending into Darkness, Part 4: Autumn 1979

Descending into Darkness (Part 4): Autumn 1979

Severus

At first, the rush of Pleasure washes over him each and every time. It is joy and release and peace. Its promise compels him to reach for it again and again. But, over time, the touch of Elemental Magic gives up its joys less and less and starts taking more and more.

Killing, mutilation, destruction. Curses, potions, deadly Dark magic. Pulling at him. Devouring him.

Time collapses into itself; one mission becomes another, becomes another. His soul and his magic fall into an abyss together. He is both stronger and more deadly, but doesn't even notice that he no longer seems to have any real... feelings.

Eventually, the Pleasure abandons him altogether, but in its retreat, his craving for it escalates. He just knows that if he works hard enough, it will come back. But now it's worse because he can see the Pleasure just ahead of him, tantalising him like a teasing woman, beckoning him forward while drawing steadily back, always just out of reach.

Just one more time and it will come back. It will.

He no longer cares about acknowledgment. His skill...well...that remains intact. He survives because his skill is dependably instinctive. The Magic won't let go of that part of him; it needs Severus to be effective in order to be fed. And Severus feeds it well.

*****

He's been assigned to Travers for a special mission and told to bring a dose of the Consentire potion. There is the briefest flare of actual feeling: it's... anticipation and... pride. Yes, he's quite proud of this potion, one of his best creations. And now he's been asked to test it.

Travers and his team have easily broken through the protective shields surrounding the house, and the family has been restrained with a minimum of resistance. A man, a woman, and their two children, a boy of around ten and a younger daughter, have been bound and surrounded by a half-dozen masked Death Eaters. The daughter is crying, and the boy looks angry. The man is speaking softly to his children. The woman seems to be the primary target. They call her 'McKinnon.'

"You've been quite a nuisance to our master, McKinnon," says Travers. Severus can't identify the other Death Eaters, but he recognises Travers by his voice.

"See here!" says the man with as much indignation as he can muster. "We haven't done anything to you or your – your master." He clenches his teeth at this last word. "Leave us be!"

One of the Death Eaters casts a Stinging Hex at the man who yelps in pain. This gives the others ideas, and they all begin to cast Stinging Hexes at the McKinnons. A cacophony of screams echo around the room.

When the hexes stop, the woman painfully raises her head.

"If it's me you want, then take me. Leave the rest of my family alone."

It's false bravado, Severus assesses clinically, sensing her terror. No one would really choose to die for another.

"Marlene! No!"

"Mum!"

Travers responds by roughly pulling the witch away from her family, unbinding her and grasping her arm so tightly that she yelps.

"Well, Madam, I think this should be a family affair. We have some special games planned!" He throws her to the floor. "Do you know 'Follow the Leader'?

The woman doesn't answer, and one of the Death Eaters grabs her daughter, twists her arm violently behind her back, and points a wand at her head.

"Have you heard of it?" Travers repeats calmly.

"Please let her go! I..."

The Death Eater twists her daughter's arm, and Severus hears it break before the girl's screams shatter the room.

"YES!" she shrieks as tears flow down her face.

"Good!" Travers says lightly, gratified. "Well, in our game, you get to be the leader, and the others," he says with a gesture towards her family, "will follow!"

Travers signals Severus who pulls out a phial from his robes and crosses to the woman who is struggling with all her might.

"NO! I won't! I..."

But her pleas turn into a gargle as two of Travers' men force her mouth open. Severus pours the draught down her throat, careful to make sure she does not choke.

He steps back to observe, cataloguing her reactions in his mind. He feels foolish for forgetting to bring parchment and a quill to write it down.

First her skin flushes red, then it pales. Then her eyes dilate and contract in rapid succession. Beads of sweat pop at her brow. She begins to wheeze, gasping for breath. After several minutes her appearance and breathing return to normal. She looks around at them, wondering what has happened. Severus looks into her eyes and finds her grasp at the hope that it's gone wrong. Severus knows otherwise.

"You can begin," Severus tells Travers who gives the signal to his men.

Travers rips her robes, and they fall to the floor, exposing her body, clad only in undergarments.

The first Death Eater steps forward, casting a Slicing Hex on her arm. She shrieks as blood pours from the wound. Then, at the same time, her husband, son and daughter shriek as well. They all clutch their arms where blood is pouring from their wounds, each one identical to their mother's.

The woman looks at her family, horrified as understanding dawns. "Oh, no... stop... leave them..." she pleads in pain more terrible than her physical wounds.

Travers, even behind his mask, looks impressed. "Next one," he says.

One by one, the Death Eaters take turns casting curse after curse at Marlene McKinnon and, by extension, her family. Her pain causes their pain. Her blood spills their blood.

Severus is pleased. The Consentire surpasses his expectations.

This will be a highly effective and useful tool in the Dark Lord's arsenal, he concludes.

In the end, Travers and his men kill what is left of the McKinnon family. Severus watches. It is their mission, after all, he concedes. But Travers, feeling generous, does permit Severus to cast the Dark Mark. It induces only a hint of the Pleasure he craves.

It will have to do, he thinks, shuddering with frustration and longing.

Peter

My master has been generous with his rewards. I'd have had to work for months to earn what he's given me! It was unfortunate about Marlene. She was always very nice to me. But it was necessary. What else could I do? He's expecting more and more, and if I don't give him something useful, he'll turn on James. I can't risk his even thinking about James. It was so lovely of Lily to invite me to dinner. When was it? Several months ago? I don't know why I can't remember. Their new house is very nice, even if it is small. I think I'm going to be able to move to a nicer place soon! Yes. Dinner was nice. Except for Sirius. Too bad that he had to come too. I DON'T have to put up with his insults any longer. He can't treat me like I'm dirt, especially when he's so vicious and untrustworthy. He's not good for James! It's too bad James and I haven't been able to get together much recently. Maybe I'll invite him and Lily over for dinner one night. Wonderful idea! Don't know why I didn't think of it sooner!

"Peter..."

Just the three of us! That would be lovely!

"Peter!"

I'll be able to break out that wine from my new collection....

"PETER!"

"What?" He realises he's lost himself in his thoughts in the middle of his dinner date with Alicia and notices his hand clutching a fork with a piece of lamb attached to it, hovering in mid-air.

"Where were you just now?" She looks put out with an expression that he thinks does not look very attractive.

"Nowhere! I mean I was here. Eating dinner." He pops the lamb into his mouth just to prove it. It's gone cold and therefore difficult to chew.

Alicia wipes her mouth with the cloth serviette and puts it down by her plate with a sigh.

"I can't do this, Peter."

Peter finally swallows the lamb. "Do what?"

"Go out with you anymore."

He looks at her, blinking, trying to understand what she is saying. They've been going out since...well, since that night. It's been nice having a woman to be with. She is good fun, and Peter enjoys making her laugh. She has a very nice laugh. And the other parts of her are, er, certainly nice too! But they hadn't become serious. Which is just fine, since Peter is very busy with work, the Order, unpredictable calls from his master....

No, she'd never understand that, he thinks with an involuntary shudder.

"Why...why do you say that?"

She pinches the bridge of her nose and looks at him with a sad shake of her head.

"You really are clueless, aren't you, Peter?"

He bristles at this and pouts.

"It was fine in the beginning. You were good fun then! But in the past while you've become, well, odd."

He feels like a fist has gone right through his chest and grabbed hold of his heart.

"Odd?" he squeaks.

Alicia takes a deep breath, resolved. "Yes, odd. You go off into these mental reveries for ages at a time. You twitch and jump at the slightest noise. You're edgy all the time. You've blocked me out of your life, Peter. We're growing apart, not together."

Peter is flabbergasted. He really doesn't think he'd done any of those things.

"I'm not. I mean, we're not! We're good together, aren't we?"

She leans back into her chair and shrugs. "I used to think so, Peter. But I don't anymore. You clearly don't want more from this relationship. In all this time, I've never even met this famous 'best friend' of yours. James."

Peter feels his face get warm. He doesn't want to share James with anyone. Except for Lily, of course. That can't be helped. But no one else.

"Well... I... things have been very busy," Peter says evasively.

She regards him coolly. "Yes, I imagine you have. My point precisely." She stands up and pulls her satchel over her shoulder. "Let's try and keep things amicable at work, eh?"

He nods mutely, more confused than before.

"Good night, Peter." She turns on her heel and walks out of the restaurant.

Lily

"Just stay home, Lily! You're no good to anyone if you get sick! If you don't Floo Esmé to beg off today, then I will!"

James is glaring at her, hands on his hips. She laughs.

"What's so funny? What's wrong with being concerned about my wife?"

"There's nothing wrong with it," she says with a smile. "You just look like your mum."

He scrunches up his face and flings the back of his hand against his forehead. "You wound me, woman."

In the end, she agrees to stay home. She has been feeling more tired than usual. Lily realises she's not had time to herself for ages.

"What will you do?" James asks as he puts on his cloak. He's meeting Sirius to work on one of their new inventions that Dumbledore thinks will be helpful to the Order.

She helps him with the clasp. "Today I shall be a lady of leisure. Magazines, romance novels, Floo calls to gossip with the girlfriends, bon-bons...."

He rolls his eyes and kisses her goodbye, but she does not let go, her lips lingering a bit longer on his than usual. He responds, forgetting for a moment that he has somewhere to go.

"Not fair, Mrs. Potter," he mutters as she pulls him closer.

She pretends to pout. "Well, I thought if I was skiving off, maybe you could too. We haven't had much time to ourselves lately." She says this last bit with a suggestive raise of an eyebrow while reaching behind him to grab his....

James leaps back. "Really not fair!" he gasps, and she smiles innocently. "How about I come home early? We can have the whole evening together. I'll bring home curry, all right?"

"You're on, Mr. Potter." He's just about out of the door when she calls out after him.

"And ice cream! Chocolate!"

*****

Lily is tucked under one of her mother's hand-made quilts with a cup of tea and some toast.

She sips her tea as her fingers trace the stitching in the quilt. She loves this quilt. It is all the more special because it was made without a smidgen of magic. Lily herself picked out the many soft browns, golds, and greens from her mother's fabric stash and watched her mum cut up and sew the pieces back together, stitch by stitch. Slowly, the individual patches came together to form an intricate pattern of stars, triangles, and circles. It was made with love, and Lily feels wrapped in her mother's care. It is magical in its own way, she thinks.

She hasn't told her parents much about the war, but she's worried about them. Dumbledore has placed protective charms around the Evans' house, and Lily has told them to limit their travels. She's glad Petunia is out of the house, having recently married and moved to Surrey. But she knows they are a target and feels helpless to do anything to change that fact. She pulls the quilt tighter around her shoulders as she feels a chill pass through her.

*****

Lily awakens several hours later, surprised that she's nodded off. She's never been one for taking naps. Rising from the sofa, she feels dizzy and wonders if she has the flu. Lily decides to do a quick diagnostic spell. The one that Dorcas taught her.... Thinking of Dorcas brings tears to her eyes, and she fights to not think of what happened. How they found her outside the gates of Hogwarts. What they did to her....

NO!

Where is my wand? She wipes her eyes.

She finds it in the kitchen and mentally scolds herself for not having it on hand like she should. Again. A good leather strap for her arm to hold her wand would be useful. She'll have to remember to ask Moody where to get one.

She suddenly feels dizzy again and makes her way to the toilet.

*****

James comes home a bit after five o'clock, bearing sacks with their dinner. Lily is sitting at the kitchen table, nursing another cup of tea when she hears him.

"Guess what?" she says, nervously turning her teacup in its saucer.

He says nothing as he puts the sacks down on the table and sits next to her.

"What?" he says, but she can tell he's distracted.

"James?"

He pulls his hand through his hair and tugs, making it stand straight up.

"I, um, have news," he says.

"Me too," she says.

They look at each other, seeing anxiety, sadness, and fear.

"Who is it?" Lily prompts.

"The McKinnons," James says, his voice cracking.

Her heart breaks in a million pieces. The tea cup clatters in its saucer. "Who...?"

"All of them," he answers, slumping in his chair, head in his hands.

There comes a point in the relentless onslaught of carnage, brutality, and loss when those in the midst of the fight must set aside their devastating pain, lock it way to be dealt with at a later time. But for now, they hold each other and allow themselves a brief moment of terrible, heartrending grief.

After a while, tears spent, James asks "Your news?" Her head is on his shoulder. The feeling of his hand stroking her hair is soothing.

"I'm pregnant." He doesn't say anything, and she's afraid to look up. Fear flutters and then clenches in her chest.

Finally, James pulls her back and looks at her with a curious expression. She doesn't look into his eyes too deeply, though.

He starts to speak but words don't come out. He clears his throat and tries again.

"Are you certain?" he croaks.

She nods and finds she is shaking.

"I'm afraid, James. This is such a terrible time to have a baby...."

"NO!" he says so vehemently that it startles her. "It is the perfect time to have a baby, Lily!" He gathers her in a tight embrace. "Merlin, to bring life into the world is exactly what is needed right now!"

She pulls back again, her face wet with tears. She has to make sure....

"Do you think we'll manage it, James? Isn't it too dangerous?" She wants to believe him so badly...that this is a good thing to happen. That they're not risking too much. She can barely imagine losing James without adding the worry of endangering a child!

"Of course it's dangerous!" he says, wiping her face with his fingers. "But life, Lily! We've created a child...our child! We're being given a gift, can't you see? It's a ray of light in the middle of the darkest night. He'll be our hope!"

Lily laughs. "He?"

James blinks. "Of course, he's a he. Potters always have sons!"

"How wonderfully chauvinistic of you, James," she says, rolling her eyes but feeling lighter than she had. "But isn't that an awful lot to pin on a baby? 'A ray of light?' 'Hope?'" she teases.

He stands up and takes her in his arms. His smile lights up the room. "All right. He can just be a baby then. Our baby."

They hold each other, laughing and crying for a while. She relishes the feel of James, his spirit and his physical presence, and wonders how she could have ever imagined a life without him. He is sometimes still incredibly pompous and stubborn as a crusted cauldron, but he is also fiercely brave and loyal to a fault. Most of all, his love for her remains strong and unwavering, and she's grateful; it keeps her afloat.

"You'll be a wonderful dad," she says, running her fingers through his untameable hair.

He pulls her close, leaning in for a kiss, but her hand suddenly grabs a fistful of his hair.

"Ow!" he yelps, bewildered and a little frightened.

Her piercing glare implies incipient danger.

"You did remember to get the ice cream," she growls. "Didn't you?"

A/N: For those of you who are still reading my story after this very long and difficult chapter, you deserve medals of honour and a lifetime supply of chocolate! Heck, you are such a small group, I want to invite you all to my house for dinner! Thank you all.

Of course, my heartfelt and endless thanks to my hard-working betas, celtmama and capella_black!!!