Lessons Learned: Spring 1975 - Fifth Year

Lessons Learned: Spring 1975 - Fifth Year

Peter

The fifth-years were bleary-eyed and head-sore from studying. On the night before their O.W.L. exams, the library was filled with the sounds of page-turning, quill-scratching and sighing, interrupted by the occasional off-hand remark.

"Is it three parts scurvy grass to one part lovage or the other way 'round?" asked James with a sigh, wearily rubbing his eyes.

"Other way around," replied Remus without looking up from his notes.

"That's for the Befuddlement Draught, right?" asked Peter checking his own notes.

"Not that you'd need it, Wormtail," said Sirius with his patented smirk. "You're a perfectly confused git without that potion!" He nudged James, who laughed. Remus kept reading.

"True enough!" Peter remarked, forcing a laugh as well.

Sirius had apparently decided it was time for a break and that tweaking Peter would be a worthy diversion. He leaned across the table.

"So, has mummy sent you any new treats to help you through exams, Wormtail?"

Peter flushed. His mother did have a terrible habit of sending him his favourite sweets on a regular basis. He tried to tell her that there was more than enough food at Hogwarts, but this didn't deter her efforts in the slightest.

"Not since that last batch of mince pies," sighed Peter. "You know, the ones you ate most of, Padfoot!"

"Mmm... Wish I had one right now!" Sirius smiled, remembering. He leaned forward again. "You should tell her to start sending you some rat pellets!"

James punched Sirius in the arm. "Shhh!" he hissed, nervously glancing around the room.

"What?" said Sirius, innocent and wide-eyed. "I haven't said anything!" He turned back to Peter.

"Going to show mummy your new trick over the summer? You're so adorable as a small, grey rodent; I'm sure she'd love to see her precious rat baby!"

Peter blanched pale at the idea of it, and Sirius brightened. "I have it! Padfoot can carry little Wormtail in his mouth, scratch at the Pettigrews' front door and drop him at his mummy's feet! James, don't you think that would be a laugh?"

James considered it and nodded. "Yes, it might be a nice homecoming present. You should do it, mate!" Peter didn't respond but felt his stomach clench.

Remus closed his books and gathered up his things. "Enough for me. I'm knackered. I either know it or I don't. G'night all!" Remus waved them off and ambled out of the library.

"He had a rough time last week," Peter remarked with concern, watching him go.

"It's a good thing we're there to look after him, though!" said James. "It's better for Moony and loads of fun for us!"

Peter brightened at the memory. "You were brilliant, Prongs! Surprising that drunken fool who'd wandered too close! I thought he'd nearly die of fright!"

"Well, jumping on his head was a nice touch, Peter," James offered with a smile. Peter laughed.

"You didn't have to chase him all the way into Hogsmeade, though!" Peter shot back.

"I hate to interrupt this lovely reminiscence," Sirius interrupted. "C'mon James. I have something I want to show you." Sirius stood up, waiting.

Peter looked at James, then back at Sirius, who moved to leave.

"Okay, Padfoot." James shrugged and packed up his bag.

"Night, Peter. Good luck tomorrow!" Sirius called out over his shoulder, steering James out of the library.

Peter frowned, uncertain how he had ended up alone. Again. He sighed and packed up his own books, scrolls and quill, shoving them roughly into his bag before slinging it over his shoulder.

"I don't know why you put up with that rotter, Pettigrew."

Peter turned around to see Reggie Black, Sirius' younger brother. Reggie was a fourth-year, a Slytherin. Most of the Blacks were Slytherins; Sirius was the notable exception.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked, confused. Reggie started walking out of the library and Peter followed him.

Reggie smirked, and Peter recognised it as the twin to Sirius'. "Famous Gryffindor loyalty? Won't speak badly about your mates, eh, Pettigrew? Even if one of them hates your guts?"

Peter felt his heart beating faster than usual. "Who? Sirius? Sirius doesn't hate me!"

"No? I've noticed he's pretty well taken control of your best friend. Not to mention he rubs your nose into the ground every chance he gets."

Peter was speechless. He replayed the scene in the library from Reggie's point of view. He could see how it looked that way.

"Oh, you know Sirius, Reg!" Peter chuckled. "He's a card! He can't help himself. It's all in good fun. That's what friends do, right?"

Reggie looked at him sideways as they made their way down the corridor. "If any of my 'friends' treated me the way Sirius treats you, they'd be hexed and cursed 'til the other side of Monday." Reggie shook his head. "Nope. He's got it in for you. If I were you, I'd watch your step."

Peter pushed down a host of confusing feelings that Reggie seemed to have suddenly invoked. No. Sirius was his friend. Peter stopped mid-corridor and Reggie stopped as well.

"Look, Reg. I know the two of you don't get along. I know your whole family thinks Sirius is some kind of traitor because he's not in Slytherin. You're just trying to turn me against him!" Peter said defiantly. That has to be the reason why he's saying all this, Peter thought.

Reggie nodded. "It's true. I'm not overly fond of my big brother. I think he's made some bad choices. But my sib can be cruel, which I can vouch for based on personal experience. I've been watching you, Pettigrew, and I see him doing the same thing to you. Listen," said Reggie amiably, "you're an okay bloke from what I've seen, for a Gryffindor. I just thought you'd appreciate a bit of friendly advice." Reggie shrugged. "Take it or leave it; it's no matter to me." He turned and went down the stairs leading to the dungeon and the Slytherin common room.

Peter didn't move. He thought. He tried to understand what Reggie had just told him and struggled against it. Well, it was true that Sirius often made Peter the object of his jests. He really didn't mind it that much. It made him feel good to be included. Did Sirius ever have something nice to say about him, though? Peter wracked his brains.

Well, he did like my Slughorn bit!

Was he really trying to 'steal' James? No...James is my best friend! James was almost always nice to Peter. Reggie was just jumping to conclusions because he hated his brother. Peter shook his head as if to throw out the images the younger boy had planted there.

No, Peter thought, they were the Marauders! Faithful to the end!

He re-adjusted his pack over his shoulder and marched off to the Gryffindor common room and to bed. Exams were in the morning and he was very tired.

---

Lily

Lily sat down next to Alice at breakfast and put her head on the table.

"Tired?" Alice asked. "Just a guess."

"My head is so full of everything I have to remember I can't hold it up. It's too heavy."

"Mmm. Know what you mean. Here, have some toast." Alice stuck a piece of buttered toast directly into Lily's mouth. Her head still on the table, Lily took a bite.

"...'anks." Lily chewed. From this angle she could see a sideways James Potter walking toward her. She jerked up her head and started to rapidly pile eggs and sausages onto her plate. "Better to sit exams with a full stomach. That's what my mum would say."

When James had reached them he called out, "Morning, Alice... Lily!" Lily grunted something incomprehensible through her mouthful of breakfast, keeping her eyes on her plate.

"Good morning, James," Alice replied.

Looking at Lily, James just sighed and moved off down the table to sit with Sirius.

Alice turned to Lily. "What is up with the two of you?"

Lily swallowed. "Nothing is 'up', Alice. I just didn't want to go another round of 'Please, please go out with me!'"

"Maybe he just wanted to chat about O.W.L.s. The world does NOT revolve around the very popular Lily Evans!"

"Alice!" Lily looked at her surprised. "Do you really feel that?" Lily paused and looked at her carefully. "You do, don't you?"

Alice turned red. "I hate when you do that, Lil! It feels like you're peeking in my head!" Alice sighed. "But, now that you ask, yes, sometimes I do. I mean, it's not anything you DO deliberately. It's just... well.... Oh! I don't know! I can't explain it properly," Alice muttered, frustrated, stabbing her eggs viciously with her fork.

"Try," Lily said, encouraging her.

"Well, James for instance!"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"See... that's what I mean! You just write him off as no good, when he's really very nice. I don't understand why you do that! I think you should give him a chance!"

"If you think so highly of him, why don't you go out with him? Oh, wait. Frank wouldn't like that, would he?" snapped Lily.

Alice turned even redder than before. "Frank hasn't asked me out yet."

"Well, I think we'll have to do something about that, don't you?" Lily said suggestively.

"Don't change the subject, Lily Evans!" Alice rounded on her best friend. "Really, I've talked with James..."

"Ah, that explains it!" Lily flung up her hands in mock exasperation. "The two of you are ganging up on me!"

Alice plowed on. "...and he is a decent guy! He's smart and funny and great at Quidditch and...."

"And you've just made yourself Head of the James Potter Fan Club!" Lily retorted, now genuinely impatient. "Listen, Alice. All of that may be true. It probably is! But James is, well, he's just too – too ridiculously immature!"

This time it was Alice who rolled her eyes.

"It's true, Alice! Maybe he'll grow up in a few years, but right now he's in the thrall of Sirius' unique brand of troublemaking magic, and it does NOT appeal to me!"

As if to prove her point, there was a yell at the end of the table. The girls looked down to see Sirius and James squeezing Peter Pettigrew so tightly his eyes were bulging as he yelped in pain.

Alice sighed and shook her head. "Okay. I give up. But I don't care what you say now, Lily, I have a feeling the two of you have a future together!"

"Decided to take up a career in Divination, eh, Alice?" Lily threw a piece of toast at her. Alice picked up her cup of pumpkin juice threateningly.

"Don't even think about it, Mrs. Longbottom!" Lily teased with an evil laugh.

"AHHHH!" Alice wailed, banging her head on the table.

*****

Two weeks later, Lily marched up to Professor Flitwick and turned in her exam scroll.

"Thank you, Miss Evans," squeaked the diminutive Charms professor. "Practical exams at three o'clock sharp!"

"Yes, Professor." Lily let out a huge sigh of relief that the last of her written exams was over, and she took off at a trot out of castle for a breath of fresh air.

"Wait up, Lily!" She turned around to see Annette, Alice and Helene running to catch up with her.

The girls walked arm-in-arm out into the open sunshine and strolled over to the edge of the lake. They collapsed as one onto the grass, allowing themselves a well-deserved moment of relaxation.

"These last two weeks have been worse than cleaning a roomful of doxies!" exclaimed Annette, flinging out her arms so that her hand plunged into the lake.

"Didn't your mum say her curtains were infested?" asked Helene. "She'll be glad to have you clean them out this summer!" Annette muttered a spell, and an arc of lake water showered Helene, who smiled and stretched her arms to the sky.

"Ahh... that feels good!" The girls all laughed. It was a hot day, so they took off their shoes and socks and, with a moan of relief, tucked their feet into the lake.

Helene nudged Alice with her elbow, flicking her head up in the direction of the beech tree perched above the lake. "Look at Potter." James was playing a catching game with a Snitch.

"Very impressive," sniffed Lily, clearly not impressed.

"Oh, I don't know," said Helene. "I've been told he's good with his hands. Don't you agree, Annette?" Annette blushed furiously.

Alice and Lily turned to Annette and stared. "Is there something you'd like to share, Annette?" Alice asked. Helene laughed maniacally.

Annette glared at Helene, as if silently hexing her. The others continued to stare. "No... I.... Well, we went out once.... Just once!"

"Go on, Annette! Spill it!" Alice prodded. "We want to know everything! Don't we, Lily?"

Lily was surprised to feel an angry knot in her stomach.

"Sure we do!" Lily forced both her reply and a smile.

"He asked me out the last Hogsmeade visit." Annette looked at Lily with some apprehension. "After you turned him down. Again."

"Yes, go on!" Lily gestured, smiling to encourage her.

"Well, we did. That's all."

"No, it's not! Go on, Annette!" Helene prompted.

"Okay! Okay! We stopped at the Three Broomsticks, had a Butterbeer, went for a walk, stopped to sit by a tree and he kissed me."

"And...?" Helene prodded.

"You are relentless! I hate you!" snapped Annette. "Fine! I kissed him back and I liked it!"

Helene was gleeful and Alice looked surprised. Lily had no idea what she herself looked like, but was saved from having to respond by the sounds of a loud commotion above them. She looked up to see Severus trying, in vain, to battle jinxes being thrown at him in rapid sequence by both James and Sirius. The last one sent him sprawling on the ground. This was, finally, too much for Lily, who stood and marched up the hill.

"Scourgify!" James cast a spell that caused pink soap bubbles to froth in Severus' mouth, making him choke.

Lily rounded on James, livid. "Leave him ALONE!" He had really gone too far this time.

James turned to her and smiled. "All right, Evans?" he said pleasantly.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated, her voice dropping ominously, her face clearly angry. "What's he done to you?"

Lily saw him glace at Sirius. "Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean...."

Sirius and Peter laughed, as did many of the onlookers. Lily didn't waver her eyes from James.

"You think you're funny," she said evenly, coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone." From the corner of her eye, she saw Severus inching toward his fallen wand. Everyone's eyes were on James and Lily, and no one noticed his movement but her.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," he said quickly. "Go on... go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," she said. Several onlookers snickered. Severus had reached his wand and was aiming it at James. He gave Lily an odd look she didn't understand.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Sirius briskly, turning back to Severus. "Oi!"

There was a flash of light, and a gash appeared on the side of James' face, splattering his robes with blood. A moment later James turned and, with another flash of light, Lily saw Severus hanging upside down with his robes hanging over his head, revealing his skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants. Many cheered. It did look funny, Lily thought for the briefest moment. Then she snapped back to James. "Let him down!"

"Certainly," said James and he jerked his wand upward. Severus crashed to the ground in a crumpled heap, again eyeing Lily with that same, strange expression. He got to his feet, raised his wand, but Sirius reacted quickly.

"Locomotor mortis!'" Severus keeled over again, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" she shouted, taking out her own wand, which James and Sirius noted warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly, muttering the counter curse which released Severus.

"There you go," he said. James turned as Severus struggled to his feet again. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus..."

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily suddenly felt as if someone had flipped her upside down and doused her with ice cold water. She blinked. "Fine," she said coolly, belying the hurt she felt. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

How could he have said such a horrid thing? To her?

"Apologise to Evans!" James roared, pointing his wand at Severus.

"I don't want you to make him apologise," Lily shouted, casting her eyes on Severus who was looking away, then rounded on James. "You're as bad as he is...."

"What!" yelped James. "I'd NEVER call you a...you-know-what!"

Her hurt and anger collided and she exploded in a fury. "Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can...I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

Lily turned quickly and hurried away, feeling tears welling up from deep inside. She didn't want them to see it.

"Evans!" James shouted after her. "Hey, EVANS!"

She didn't look back and kept walking up the hill, in shock and heartsick, her tears now flowing freely.

He was her friend!

---

Severus

A week had passed since that horrid day. Severus had suffered a host of excruciating feelings since then: the burning of his public humiliation; seething hatred for Potter and Black; confusion at the respect and accolades from his fellow Slytherins for his public slander of Lily; and worst...absolutely worst of all...was the heart-wrenching remorse and shame at having injured the only person who had ever treated him well. He had seen her face pale as it registered shock and betrayal at his words.

Remorse. This was another new feeling, and he hated it. It taunted him relentlessly. He didn't know what to do with it. He tried ignoring it, reasoning with it, even tried to banish it by placing the blame on the others. He truly loathed that despicable, self-righteous James Potter. The ire in the insult had really been meant for him. Lily only got in the way! It was Lily's own fault! Her defence of him in public had only made a terrible situation worse, adding to the deep shame he already felt. She'd brought it on herself!

But still....

Remorse stuck to his craw like stinksap and would not let go.

It was the day before the end of term. Most of the students were sorting out their belongings from a year's worth of accumulated clothing, books, supplies and school-year souvenirs. Severus had very little to pack: his few clothes, important books, basic supplies. It didn't take him long. There was an hour or so before the final feast and awarding of the House Cup, so he took one of his books down to the common room, thinking he'd read a bit before then. Unfortunately, when he got there, a few of the younger students including, he noted, Black's brother Regulus, were having a loud and animated discussion. He decided to try and find a quieter spot and moved to leave the common room.

"Oi! Snape!" Reggie called. Severus stopped. "That spell you threw at Potter...I heard you made it up! Is it true? It was brilliant! You must know loads of Dark spells from all those books of yours! We've been debating: which do you suppose would do the most damage without killing someone outright – Sectumsepra or the Cruciatus Curse?"

"Slicing someone open and spilling their guts has got to be worse, right?" ventured Zambini.

"I've heard the Cruciatus will drive you right mad!" Flint stated confidently.

Severus wondered how on earth these idiots ever managed to grow up without killing themselves first.

He glanced at them with disdain. "You should experiment."

The boys looked at him eagerly. "How?" they asked in unison.

"There are three of you. Draw straws to decide which one of you will lead."

They were rapt at attention.

"Then cast one of each spell on the other two and see which ends up the worse off."

They looked bewildered. Severus left the common room, leaving the boys to sort it out.

********

As Severus passed the Great Hall, he saw a girl with long, auburn hair walking in front of him. She went through the main doors and out onto the grounds. Reaching the main doors himself, he watched Lily make her way towards the greenhouses, and then past them until she was finally out of sight. Once again, remorse shot up and bit him in the gut...hard. Without thinking too much about what he would do or say, Severus went down the steps and followed in her path.

As he rounded past the greenhouses, he looked down the hill to see Lily, alone, sitting under a tree nearby the groundskeeper's cottage, writing something. Severus looked around to make sure no one else was nearby. Assured he wouldn't be seen, he approached Lily hesitantly, keeping a bit of distance between them. Once there, no words came into his head, so he just watched her.

"If you're trying to Transfigure me into some sort of creature with a non-verbal spell, Severus, I don't think it's working," Lily said finally, without looking up. "You'll have to wait until next year to learn how to do it properly."

"I - I - just wanted to say...." he stammered. Oh, why did his brain freeze when he was around her outside of class??

"Well, come over here, at least, so I don't have to shout," she said, looking up at him at last.

Severus tried to read her expression, to get a sense of how she felt, but without success. Reminding himself to start his study of Legilimency as soon as he got home, he walked over and sat down next to her. She set aside her quill, ink and notebook and leaned back on her arms, looking out towards the Forbidden Forest.

They sat in silence for a while. Lily clearly intended to give him all the time he needed.

"Are you looking forward to going home?" he asked.

"Suppose so," she replied. "We'll go to the lake as usual and my sister will be horrid, also as usual," she sighed. "Petunia hates that I'm a witch. And you?"

"Not especially," he replied.

"Why not?"

"Not much there. Just loads of books to read over the summer."

"What about your family, Severus?"

He realised he had never mentioned his family before. He didn't like talking about them.

"I'm the only one left. Both my parents died before I started school and I'm on my own."

Lily eyes widened.

He wouldn't have her pity. Anger, hatred. Anything but pity. "Don't go feeling sorry for me, Lily. In fact, that's part of what I wanted to speak with you about."

"I don't feel sorry for you, Severus!" she protested.

"But you do feel the need to protect me?" He said this more harshly than he intended.

Lily looked wounded. This was not how he had wanted this to go.

"Listen," he started, struggling to look at her without falling into those deep, green eyes. The words felt like pebbles in his mouth, hard and difficult. "I can't tell you how – how truly sorry I am for... well, for calling you that – despicable name. There was no excuse for it. Under any circumstances."

"I know you do," she said softly.

"I – you do?" This caught him off guard.

"Of course I do. We were all a little crazy, including...maybe especially...me. I was horribly upset afterwards, but then I thought about it. I thought about how embarrassed you must have felt, and then I had to go and make it worse, didn't I? Some stupid girl coming to the rescue? I know you are perfectly capable of defending yourself, Severus. He just makes me... makes me...." She put her head into her hands. Severus was once again, speechless.

Lily looked up at him again, sharply. "But you are right. It was a horrible thing to say, and I was hurt." She wasn't going to let him off that easily.

Severus looked away, abashed. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said again. "I hope you can forgive me. Although I would completely understand if you don't...or can't. I just want you to know...." He felt his throat closing up, and the words came out in a whisper. "You are important to me. I'd never want to hurt you."

Lily burst into tears and hugged him.

He was shocked. It was the last thing he'd ever expected her to do and was clueless how to respond. His head swung around wildly, hoping no one was looking. He patted her back awkwardly, and finally, he managed to extricate himself from her embrace.

"Of course I forgive you, you idiot," Lily sniffed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "You're my friend, despite the grief I get for it."

"I understand."

She looked at him knowingly and smiled. "Oh, I'm certain you do!" She sighed deeply, shaking off the outburst. "Your friendship has always been important to me, too. You're so bright and different from the other boys."

Severus grimaced. "I've observed you've had quite a number of opportunities to compare."

She rolled her eyes. "What I MEAN is that most of the boys tend to treat me like I'm brainless, that I'm something to own or show off. I hate it. You treat me like, well, like me! Not like someone's idea of who I should be."

He was thunderstruck. It was exactly the way he felt about her. She saw him for who he really was. And respected him. He smiled.

She noticed. "You should smile more often, Severus. Really, despite everything, the world isn't such a gloomy place."

"Now you have to promise me something, Evans."

"What would that be, Snape?"

"Promise me you won't ever come to my rescue again?"

"Even if it's to save you from destroying a potion in class?"

"Ah, well, with that one exception."

"Very well. I promise!" They shook hands to seal the agreement.

She looked down to his side. "What book is that?"

He'd completely forgotten that he'd brought it with him from his room, intending to read. Immediately relieved that they had moved onto a more comfortable...and familiar...topic, he picked it up. "It's the text for our sixth-year N.E.W.T. level Potions class; it was my mother's book. I thought I'd get a head start."

She took it from him, skimming through it with curiosity. "I can't wait to try the Draught of Living Death! D'you mind if I copy it down?" She picked up her quill.

"My father was a Muggle, you know." Severus was surprised to hear this come out of his mouth. He wasn't sure why he had said it.

"What were your parents' given names?" she asked.

"Why does it matter?"

"I just like to picture people with their names attached. I don't know why. I've always done it."

"My father was Tobias. My mother, before she married, was Eileen Prince."

Lily shrugged. "Well, there are at least twice as many mixed families as there are so-called 'pure-bloods' in my experience. I've never understood the fuss your lot in Slytherin make about it." She stopped suddenly, considering him for a moment. Then her face broke into a sly grin.

"What?" Severus asked, confused and alarmed.

Without answering, she dipped her quill in the inkpot, opened the back of his mother's book, and started to write on the end-paper.

"Lily! What are you...?" He tried to reach for the book, but she kept it out of his reach.

"No peeking!" She took a long minute, seeming to take extra care with her lettering. Blowing the ink dry, she handed it back to him with a huge smile. "Consider it an end-of-term gift!"

He took the book back and read what she had inscribed. In a near-perfect copy of his own small, cramped handwriting she had written: "This Book is the Property of the Half-Blood Prince."

Severus smiled again.

---

A/N:

The text in Lily's section is taken, of course, from JK Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 28: Snape's Worst Memory.