Nine: Lessons in Love

Chapter Nine: Lessons in Love

Minerva paced. She should have spoken to Severus about her decision already. She had thought they would be able to discuss it that morning before they left for his office, but with one thing and another, trying to ready him to face repeated periods apart from him and preparing him to teach Defence classes without being able to use his wand, there just hadn't been the time. Then the breaks between his classes were just long enough to recharge him to make it through the next class hour. She probably should have eaten lunch with him, rather than with Albus, but she cherished her time with Albus and had selfishly not wanted to give that up in order to tell Severus that she would have sex with him.

She sighed. It was true that the Adfectus affected Severus's cognitive abilities, but Minerva thought that he would finally have tweaked to the notion that she was going to help him fulfill the spell's imperative, particularly after she had kissed him. But Severus was right: one of the few bare emotions left to him by the Adfectus was his own self-loathing, and that seemed to interfere with his ability to reason just as much as the Adfectus did – and it had a head-start of many years over the spell. So very many of his everyday reactions seemed to arise out of that self-loathing. Minerva did not doubt that Severus took great pride in his potions abilities and his strengths in defensive magic, but that pride had taken on a disproportionate importance in his life since he felt so unworthy in other areas.

Having "the Talk" with Severus was bound to be uncomfortable. Minerva had thought she might have Albus do it, but at this point, she realised that it would be inappropriate for all three of them if Albus were to tell Severus. Albus could speak to him afterwards, if he wished, but she needed to be the one to broach the subject initially.

Poor Albus! This must be so hard on him. It wasn't as though this was occurring toward the beginning of their relationship when he had had so much difficulty believing that she truly wanted to be with him, but it still couldn't be easy for him. At the start of their relationship, Minerva had found it astonishing that a wizard of Albus's accomplishments and obvious strengths, talents, and personal charisma could actually find it hard to believe that a witch would want him and want to be with him forever. At least Albus wasn't emotionally damaged in the way that Severus so clearly was . . .

Minerva had no illusions that giving Severus love and affection over the next days would somehow cure him of all of his psychological and emotional problems, but she did hope that this curse could actually have a bright side for him in the end. Perhaps he might adjust his view of himself a little – maybe even consider the possibility of a real relationship with some nice young witch after he was no longer bound by Voldemort's existence. If Severus loved her, he could surely love another woman someday. And even if he never were to find another witch to love, perhaps he might be able to develop closer, more fulfilling friendships. Minerva tried to think of whom Severus might consider a friend. She would have to try to be a better friend to him after all this was over – of course, she was being a good friend to him now! There was Albus, as well, but their relationship was so mixed with Severus's guilt, resentment, and sense of debt – and Albus's own sense that he had failed Severus when he was a student – that their relationship was not an easy one. It was clear that Severus cared deeply for Albus. So deeply that Severus had thought of him when he had decided to down a bottle of sleeping potion that morning. Thank goodness they had woken up before he had managed to leave the room with the potion!

Severus probably still considered some of the Death Eaters to be friends of a sort – wizards such as Lucius Malfoy. He spent time with them, ate with them, and they had known him a long time. But how close could he be to people whose actions, presumably, he abhorred, and more to the point, whom he was betraying on a daily basis? He might have some emotional connection to them still, but she doubted they could qualify as friends.

Running through the list of Hogwarts staff in her mind, Minerva tried to find some with whom Severus might be friends. There were ones he seemed to tolerate better than others, but she couldn't think of any who seemed to be friends with him. He and Sprout discussed the uses of plants in potions in a collegial way, but they couldn't be considered friends. Flitwick. They were cordial. Filius admired Severus's devotion to Albus. But she didn't believe they were friends.

There was Slughorn. Slughorn had been Severus's teacher – as had she, of course – but he had not taught beside him until this year and still saw him through the eyes of a former teacher and Head of House; Severus also hadn't much cared for the way that Slughorn had acted when he was Head of Slytherin, but Minerva couldn't see that his own methods were much of an improvement. Of course, he was hampered because of his double role. As Minerva went through the names of the staff, she realised that the only one who came close to showing him affection and respect was Hagrid, oddly enough.

If Severus were asked who on the staff he was friends with, he would probably snort and say something caustic about the stupidity of the question rather than admit that he had no friends at the place he had taught for so many years.

Minerva felt tears rise in her eyes, and when she blinked, they trickled down her cheeks. After this was over, would he even allow her the bit of friendship she had offered him before, or would he, Snape-like, turn on her in some self-defeating attempt to protect himself? She couldn't worry about that now. She could only do her best and show him as much affection and care as she could over the next few days.

How to tell Severus that there was no third option and that she would have sex with him? Minerva certainly wasn't ready to actually do the deed that very night. She would like to have this proceed as normally as possible under the bizarre circumstances. Minerva was actually thankful that he wouldn't be teaching tomorrow. They could spend the day becoming more familiar with each other, more comfortable. There was little doubt in her mind that, despite the spell and the rapture that seemed to come over him at times when he acted on the imperative, Severus himself was not entirely comfortable with her yet. She would give him another massage tonight, Minerva decided, with all of the lamps and the candles lit, if he would allow her.

That still brought her back to how to approach the subject. He would be returning in a little while. Minerva would just have to find a way. Perhaps the right words would come to her once he arrived. If only Albus were here, she could ask his advice. Although that might be unfair to Albus. He was so concerned for her well-being – and for Severus's – that he had been pushing his own discomfort aside, she was sure. Still, she needed to see him, both to reassure herself and to reassure him.

"Wilspy!"

The old house-elf popped to her side immediately. "Yes, Professor Dumbledore's Minerva?"

"I need to see Albus, but I can't leave here. Could you go to him and tell him for me?"

"Yes, ma'am." The house-elf was gone as soon as she had spoken.

A few minutes later, the fireplace flared green and Albus stepped through. "Minerva! Is everything all right? Is it Severus?"

"No, no, everything is fine. I just needed to see you, that's all."

"Ah, I see that Severus forgot to mention that I would be back late tonight."

"He didn't say, no, but I would have called you anyway. I am sorry to interrupt your work, but Severus will be returning soon and I need to talk to him. I just don't know where to start. And once I have told him, I have no idea what his reaction will be or what I should do next. Not to mention that it will feel even more real once I've told him."

"I see. Why don't we sit together a while? I am afraid I have little advice to give you, however. I think that you will need to lead up to it, of course, not just blurt it out the moment he steps from the Floo."

Minerva curled up next to him and laid her head on his shoulder as he put his arm around her. "I don't know as I expected you to be able to tell me what to say or how to approach the subject. I just needed reassurance, I suppose, that I can do this. It is all so very odd, Albus."

"That it is, Minerva. But I am sure you can handle it gracefully."

"I hope so. I've been thinking a lot about Severus, as you may imagine. He must be a very lonely and isolated man. I suppose I've always known that about him, but this incident has brought it home to me. And he is so very . . . I don't want to say that he's emotionally disturbed, exactly; that isn't what I mean. And judging him under these conditions isn't particularly fair. But it seems that his emotional development has been stunted and twisted in ways that have hurt his ability to have relationships; his role as a spy has only made that worse. It may be naive of me, but I am hoping that some good can come out of this and Severus might learn something about the possibilities for a healthy relationship. I don't fool myself into believing that I can fix what is wrong with him; that would be the work of years for someone with far more skill, patience, and detachment than I have. But I would like him to carry away the notion that someday, when all of the business with Voldemort is over, he might be able to have a relationship with some young witch, one that isn't based on exploitation, cruelty, or the needs and expectations of others. And even if he doesn't or can't, perhaps he might still be able to form friendships in a way he is unable to now."

Albus squeezed her and kissed the top of her head. "That is a splendid way of looking at this, my dear. You are correct, though. Acting as a spy, a double-spy, has only exacerbated the difficulties he would have had already. I don't think it is safe for him to have friends as most do, not yet. But we can be better friends to him. Perhaps he will feel comfortable in confiding in you as a friend. As you are aware, there are impediments to him being that at ease with me, although I have no doubt about his loyalty and devotion."

"Neither have I, Albus. And he cares for you very much, you know. I think he would do almost anything for you."

"Yes, and oddly enough, that is one of the things that is an impediment to our being closer than we are . . ." Albus sighed. "I do have quite a bit of work to do. Why don't I go work for a while longer, then I will try to be back by ten-thirty. If you need me sooner . . . if things don't go smoothly, just call Wilspy, and I will come."

"All right, Albus. I had thought I might try to give him another massage tonight. I only gave him a very brief one last night – by the way, you never told me about all of those scars. Are they from Voldemort?"

"Some are. Some are from the short time he spent in Azkaban waiting for me to convince the Wizengamot to release him. Some are from his childhood, both before and during his time at Hogwarts."

"What?"

"His Grandfather Prince was far from being a prince, I am afraid. Part of Severus's shame in himself comes from that man's early lessons. I do not know how many of his scars actually come from injuries he received while he was here at Hogwarts, but he received several very long, deep claw marks from the incident in the Shrieking Shack, which have never completely faded. They are on his chest." Albus looked sorrowful, exhausted, and old as he mentioned the scars received during the encounter with Remus Lupin so many years before.

"Ah. I should have realised about those, at least." Minerva was silent. Albus had been second-guessing his decisions in that matter for years, never to any satisfactory conclusion. Minerva had always thought that, although he was correct in his decisions with regard to Sirius and Remus, he had erred in the way he had handled Severus. He should have done more to reassure him, to talk to him. Simply because he had very valid reasons for keeping both boys in school and not letting the truth about Remus's condition become widely known, that did not mean he could not have shown Severus more warmth and compassion. Severus had never particularly invited warmth and compassion; Minerva remembered the surly, reticent student very well. But he hadn't ever had much of an opportunity to experience it, either. That Albus later came to regret his handling of the affair brought her no joy, particularly as Albus believed it to be one of the factors that had driven Severus to join Voldemort. That boy had never been a joiner, and yet he had joined the Death Eaters under the control of a Dark Wizard who demanded absolute obedience and complete loyalty with only false promises of power given in return.

"All right, Albus. Why don't you return to your office now – I will have my private chat with Severus in his bedroom, so feel free to Floo back as soon as you are able. I hope you don't have to work too late."

"Well, the sooner I leave, the sooner I can return, my dear," he said, giving her a kiss. "Good luck with your conversation with Severus. I am sure you will find an appropriate way to broach the subject with him. Perhaps after that massage, hmm?"

"It really doesn't bother you that I am giving him a massage, Albus?" she said as they stood.

"Well, let's put it this way. If you were to give him an ordinary massage under ordinary circumstances because he needed one, it would not bother me. If you were to give him something other than an ordinary massage under ordinary circumstances simply because you both felt like it, I would very likely be quite bothered. However, whatever you do under these extraordinary circumstances will not bother me, regardless of the reason for it. In fact, my dear, I think that you should remember the blanket permission I gave you a few days ago to do whatever you need to do in this situation, and not seek my permission for each individual activity you wish to engage in. Simply take me out of the equation, so to speak, make your own decisions, and know that, whatever you decide to do, it is all right with me. If, however, you feel the need to talk about anything, I am happy to listen."

"All right . . ." Minerva smiled at him as he rose from the sofa. "I will remember that: your permission is already given. It will make it easier for me, Albus, not needing to wonder what you might think of every individual activity."

"It will be easier for me, as well," Albus replied. "Simply because your engagement in these activities does not disturb me, this does not mean that I particularly wish to contemplate each one in detail. I hope you can distinguish between those two concepts, my dear, and see my statement neither as a symptom of heartlessness nor of disingenuousness."

"No, I do understand. But just as you said that I could talk to you if I need to, you can talk to me, as well, you know."

"I know. And I will, I am sure."

After Albus had left, Minerva settled back down on the couch with a book on spells that effect the mind and emotions, and waited for Severus. She didn't have to wait long before he arrived in a flurry of green sparks.

"Minerva, my love! I am sorry I have been away so long. I hope you haven't been lonely. I brought you something! A real present." Severus stepped toward her, practically skipping across the room in his joy at seeing her. He was holding out the largest heart-shaped Honeydukes boxes she had ever seen.

"Oh, my, Severus! I don't know what to say!" Be gracious, she thought, be gracious and appreciative. "I certainly never expected you to get me anything."

"I thought you would be surprised," he replied, delighted. "I hope you like them. I'm afraid that, conditions being what they are, I was unable to make the selections myself, but I did approve them!"

"I can't even begin to imagine how you managed this." She suddenly wondered if he had waylaid some student and confiscated them. "It's simply . . . astonishing."

Severus beamed. Minerva didn't think she'd ever seen him smile like that, neither as a student nor as an adult.

"Open them! There's something special in there for you," he urged.

Minerva took the heavy box from Severus and set it on the coffee table. Shaking the box slightly, she removed the lid. She smiled. Very unlikely that he had confiscated this from any student.

"Candied ginger! I do enjoy that, thank you, Severus."

"Are you going to try some? There are no iffy-centres, either. Just the good ones."

Minerva turned the lid of the box over and saw where the shop had charmed it to show pictures and descriptions of each chocolate contained in this particular box. They all sounded quite nice except for the mocha and the chocolate-covered espresso beans. Those sounded like something Severus would enjoy. Whoever procured these for Severus must be someone who knew them both. She was sure that it hadn't been Albus. The mystery deepened.

"Severus, I know you're not supposed to ask too many questions when someone gives you a present, but your ingenuity astounds me. How on earth did you get these chocolates?"

"I had help, obviously," Severus said, smiling with delight that his gift was not only appreciated, but that she thought him ingenious. "I really shouldn't tell my secrets, Minerva, but I will, for you. I met with Miss Granger this morning – that is why I was a little bit late getting back from the sixth-year class. You see, I had this idea that I would like to get you chocolates, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get to Honeydukes and back in time. I had wished there was someone who might go for me. I thought of Miss Granger, but after yesterday, I didn't think she would go. I was still considering asking her anyway when she did something that helped me decide it couldn't hurt to ask."

"What was that, Severus?"

"Remember I told you what Potter and Weasley said outside the classroom? Miss Granger told them to stop – she even said I was a hero. So I asked her if she would do me a favour, and this is the result! We did have some trouble with the exchange, but she was quite brilliant – don't tell her I said that – and we managed it. No thanks to the dundering dimwits who seem to believe she belongs to them, of course."

"Well, that was very kind of her, indeed, Severus! I hope you thanked her; I'm sure it took time out of her busy day to do that for you."

"Of course I did, Minerva! I surprised her with a box of chocolates, too – not as big as this one, though . . . And she had to buy it herself . . . But she was surprised. It was fun." Severus grinned. His usual surprises for people were rather nasty ones, and he was himself surprised that it was so enjoyable to surprise someone with something pleasant. "And I gave her five points after class. Of course, I told her that if she said anything about them to anyone, I'd have to dock twice as many."

"Thank you, Severus. I'm very pleased with you." And she was. She knew he'd probably revert to his usual miserable self, but this certainly showed that he had potential to be more than that.

"So try one, Minerva."

"All right, but you must have one, as well."

"I don't eat many sweets, my love. But I will try one for you."

Minerva picked out a dark chocolate truffle with a creamy dark chocolate centre for herself and handed Severus a small cluster of chocolate-covered espresso beans.

"I normally wouldn't recommend those before bed, but you'll be taking the potion, so a few probably won't hurt you," she said.

She bit into the creamy smooth chocolate. Mmm. There was a reason that Honeydukes remained the premier wizarding confectioner. Minerva watched Severus as he bit into the treat she'd handed him. Several expressions crossed his face before one of satisfaction settled there.

"These are very good, Minerva. I always thought it was a peculiar idea and a waste of good coffee beans, but I like them."

"Here, try this one." She handed him a chocolate with a mocha centre.

"Oh, that's nice, too!"

"I'm glad. I would not have wanted to have to eat this whole box alone. It wouldn't be nearly as much fun." Minerva chewed on a piece of candied ginger. Severus hadn't started swooning on her or over her yet, but the joy of giving her a box of candy could only last so long, she was sure, even one as enormous as this.

Minerva had a small bottle of massage oil in her pocket. She had asked Wilspy to get it for her, which she did, but with many disapproving looks, saying, "Professor Dumbledore does not like cedar scent in oil or soap or shampoo or in anything on his body. He says it's better on the trees than on him."

"I know that, Wilspy," Minerva had replied taking the eucalyptus-and-cedar scented oil. It was the only nonfloral scent she could think of that she wouldn't use on Albus. "It's not for Albus."

Wilspy had looked even more disapproving at that. Really! Having to explain oneself to a house-elf! "You can ask Albus about it; it was his idea." Wilspy had just shaken her head and Disapparated.

"You know, Severus, I thought, if you'd like, of course, that I might give you a massage. I have some nice oil this time. It might help you sleep well again."

Severus stopped mid-chew and stared at her. Minerva could almost see the entire loathing-ugly-disgusting monologue go through in his head before he finally swallowed his chocolate and said, "I would like that, Minerva."

"All right, then. Why don't you go get ready for bed, just leave off your pyjama top, and I'll be along in a few minutes? I will knock before I come in."

Severus nodded. "I'm glad I brought my pyjamas," he blurted, then he blushed.

Minerva smiled. "Yes, that is convenient. Now go along."

Minerva didn't know how long it would take him to get ready for bed, but she gave him ten minutes before she knocked. He opened the door a minute later, and she saw that he must have taken a very quick shower, since he had a towel around his shoulders and was rubbing at his hair with a second one.

"Ready?" she asked brightly. He was probably more ready than she, Minerva thought. "Shall I dry your hair again?"

"Yes, please, Minerva." He sat on the edge of the bed, leaving the towel draped around him.

Minerva lit all of the candles and the lamps on either side of the bed. "There, that's better. Did you take your shower in the dark, Severus?"

He mumbled in response.

"What was that?"

"Can't light the candles anymore."

"Oh, well, we'll just have to get a couple automagical candles in here. Until then, just remind me, and I'll be happy to do it for you. And put them out, as well. Or Albus, when he is here." Minerva cast her drying spell on his hair.

"I forgot. I was supposed to tell you he won't be here until ten or later. I'm sorry."

"That's all right, Severus. I actually sent Wilspy for him a little while ago, and he stepped through for a few minutes. Now, let's get rid of that towel and you lie down, just like last night." As he lay down, she almost winced as she saw the scars on his back. She hated to imagine what might have caused them.

"If you don't like this scent, I'll send Wilspy for something different." Severus, however, seemed so anxious about the prospect of having Minerva touch him, he didn't say anything. He just lay there stiffly.

Minerva warmed a little oil in the palm of her hands. Fortunately, it smelled more of eucalyptus than cedar. She didn't want him smelling like he'd just come from winter storage, after all. She should have put more thought into the scent. Sitting close beside him on the bed, Minerva began by gently rubbing her hands in long strokes from his shoulders to his waist, getting him used to her touch. He flinched slightly before taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long sigh, relaxing under her touch. She then concentrated on his shoulders, spending time working on each one before gradually making her way down the rest of his back, occasionally putting a little more oil on her palms. The eucalyptus in the oil made it quite warming, and Minerva could feel Severus relaxing as she worked the oil into his skin, loosening his muscles as she went. When she had finished his back, she returned briefly to his shoulders, then she massaged each arm, much as he had done for her the previous evening, moving to the other side of the bed when she did his left arm. Bending at an angle to reach him was beginning to become uncomfortable; normally, she would have simply straddled him in order to be in a good position to reach both shoulders, but she didn't feel comfortable doing that yet.

Minerva rubbed each of his hands in turn, paying attention to each finger and each joint. He had rather nice hands – long fingers, but strong and sturdy with a broad palm. Now his head. Severus flinched slightly at the unexpected touch as she worked her way from his neck to his scalp, occasionally lifting and turning his head to reach another area better. He seemed startled when she asked him to roll over. He must have thought she was finished, since he began to sit up, but she shook her head. She reached for her wand and doused the two lamps and a few of the candles, then cleansed her hands.

Minerva touched his face. "Close your eyes, Severus. Just close your eyes and relax."

She gently began rubbing his forehead, then the area between his eyes, his temples, his cheek bones, his jaw, spending more time gently massaging the temporomandibular joints. Minerva was pleased as she felt his jaw relaxing. She had thought to rub down his chest, as well, but she was getting tired; she'd save that for another time.

"How do you feel, Severus?"

"Mm, sleepy, actually. Good." He opened his eyes, a lazy smile on his face. A very un-Snape-like smile.

"Good, I'm glad. Why don't you put on your shirt, and we can talk?"

"Okay, Minerva." He reached out to Summon his shirt from across the room. "Ehaah!" he cried.

"What's wrong?!"

"Damned and damned again!" He held his hand to his chest. "I forgot. I can't do magic with my wand; I certainly can't do it without it." He shook out his hand.

"Is it all right?"

"Yes. Just tingles now."

"Here, I'll get it. Don't want to undo everything the massage accomplished by having you moving around too much right now. Here you are. Why don't you just slip that on and sit back against the head of the bed."

When he had resettled himself, Minerva asked, "Did you think at all about what I said about the Adfectus and what it might mean when we say that we won't let you die?"

"I'm sorry, my love. I have not." He looked quite distressed.

Minerva patted his leg. "That's all right, you can think about it now. What do you think we might mean?"

Severus looked at her a bit blankly. "I think you are very optimistic, Minerva," he finally said.

"Actually, I'm not particularly optimistic anymore that we will find a third option for you. You may have noticed that I spent most of the day in my Animagus form and did very little research."

"A third option, Minerva?"

"Yes, the third option being a counter-curse or an antidote to the spell, the second option being your continued suffering and eventual death. I believe we must, therefore, choose the first option."

"The first option." Severus blinked. "Death or a cure . . . you can't mean . . ." His eyes widened. "I must be misunderstanding you, Minerva. Could you tell me what the first option is? I am not thinking very clearly."

"The first option is to allow you to completely fulfill the demands of the imperative, Severus," Minerva said patiently, not removing her gaze from his face.

"To allow me . . . I'm sorry, Minerva. I thought you just said that the first option is to allow me to act on the imperative until . . . until the spell leaves on its own." Severus blushed.

"Yes. Exactly. You have understood me, then."

"Um, Minerva, I don't think you understand what that means . . ." Severus began.

"Of course I understand what it means, silly boy. Not only have I been doing all of this research for the past few days, but I am a mature witch – a very mature witch – I have no illusions about what this means." Severus stared at her, incredulous. "It means, Severus," she said, her Scottish burr becoming more pronounced, "it means that you and I must consummate the physical relationship. We must continue as we have done until we finally reach the point at which you and I have sex. Intercourse, Severus. Commonly and popularly known as fucking, screwing, banging, and several other such terms. None of which I particularly care to use when discussing what we will be doing, but which might clarify for you my understanding of what it will mean to completely fulfill the demands of the imperative."

Severus had flushed red as Minerva spoke, and now he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He tried again.

"Severus, do say something. This is the most awkward conversation I have had with anyone in some time – and I have had many an awkward conversation in my life, I assure you. It would be quite pleasant to know that the conversation is not one-sided."

"You are Minerva McGonagall." Severus croaked, as though that would explain his entire position on the matter.

Minerva laughed. "Yes, I do know my own name. You needn't remind me."

"But . . . why?"

"Because you need me and I can help you. We are friends, Severus."

"But Albus –" Severus said, looking away from her, his voice breaking.

"Albus knows."

"He can't approve." His lips barely moved.

"He does. Although it is not his place to approve or disapprove, as I am sure he will tell you. Why do you think we have both been telling you we would not allow you to die from this curse? Even though we both had hoped to find a third option – and I had great hopes at first that we would – we knew this was a possibility. In fact, we discussed it at length on Saturday evening, and several times since. It has become clear that we are not going to find a third option, the second option is and always has been completely unacceptable, therefore we are going to proceed with the first option. I had thought to tell you this morning, although in retrospect, perhaps it would not have been the best time to do it – just before you were about to teach. But tomorrow you are not teaching and we will be spending a lot of time together. It was important I tell you now so that we can continue to . . . become more comfortable with each other. I also thought it would be cruel – and possibly dangerous – not to discuss this with you, especially after the incident with the sleeping potion this morning."

"You . . . I . . . oh, gods, Minerva!" Severus buried his face in his arms and drew his knees to his chest.

Minerva moved closer to him. He was crying softly.

"Severus, Severus. Look at me, Severus."

He shook his head.

Shouldn't the spell have him rapturous about the idea of making love to her? Minerva moved up to sit beside him, putting her arm around his shoulders, which shook with his silent sobs.

"Tell me why you are crying, Severus. Please."

"I – I – how can you do this? You don't understand . . . you can't understand . . . it's me . . . you will hate me."

"Severus, listen to me, you are not in your right mind now. I know you, Severus. I have known you since you were eleven years old. I am not doing this blindly. It is my choice, Severus. My choice. Do you understand me?"

This reaction was one that Minerva had not anticipated. To the extent she had considered his reaction, she had thought he would either ecstatically begin kissing her and extolling her virtues, or possibly be weeping with gratitude. She could even have imagined him telling her that she would loathe her touch. This, she had not expected.

"Severus . . . Severus, I gave you a massage, but you have not acted on the imperative in a while. Why don't we lie down together for a while, hmm? Here – I am lying down, now you lie down beside me. Come, now, let me hold you as I did before."

With gentle coaxing and stroking, Minerva urged him down beside her. The imperative needed little encouragement. As soon as he lay beside her and she took him in her arms, he put his arm around her. Still silently weeping, he nuzzled her through her dressing gown and kissed her. Minerva stroked his hair then reached down and loosened the belt holding her robe closed. She then slowly moved aside her robe; Severus's lips moved to the skin left exposed by the low neck of her nightgown.

Minerva closed her eyes and found his hand; she brought it up and placed it with great deliberation and care on her partially exposed breast, then returned to stroking his hair as she felt him touching her through her gown. His head moved as his lips sought her other breast and began to kiss it, moving from soft skin to the soft silk barely covering her breast. His mouth found her nipple through the cloth of her gown as she continued to stroke his hair. As he fondled her breast with one hand and his kisses changed from light, feathery touches to hungrier movements of his lips, he discovered her nipple peaking beneath his attentions; Minerva began to gently run her fingers up and down the length of his spine.

Severus's tears had ceased as he kissed her; now his fingers were slipping beneath her gown, finding her other nipple, hesitating, then touching it tentatively. Minerva opened her eyes, took his hand away and eased him up from her. He lolled back against the pillow, eyes blank only a moment before he uttered a great sigh and closed them.

After a moment, he said, "Minerva. If I hadn't loved you, I should have loved you, though I suppose that makes little sense. I am sorry for my reaction. I am grateful. For that . . . what you said about the spell . . . and for just now. But please think more about this. What it means for you. Not just what you think it means for me." He opened his eyes and turned to look at her. "I love you, Minerva, I really do. And I shall never deserve you, not ever. And I certainly do not deserve what you are giving me . . . I gave you a pathetic box of candy and you are giving me yourself."

"I wouldn't say that, Severus," Minerva answered quietly. "Neither about the candy nor about what I am giving you. The chocolates were a lovely gift. Very thoughtful, especially since you had to go to some trouble to obtain them; given your current condition, that posed a physical and a mental challenge. As for what I am giving you, it is not insignificant, but I am not giving you myself, Severus. I am giving from myself, I suppose one could say."

"Thank you, Minerva. That is more than I have ever received from anyone before. Even if you were to stop now, I believe that would be still be true."

Minerva sighed. "It is getting very late, Severus. I think we should go to sleep. Albus may be back, as well."

Severus nodded, and Minerva got up and found her wand. She cast some drying and freshening charms on her gown and robe before she carefully pulled her robe shut and retied the belt.

"Minerva? If Albus is here and awake, could you ask him to come in for a minute?"

"Yes. We all need our sleep, though, Severus, so if you want to have a long discussion with him, it should wait until tomorrow. He doesn't have a class to teach until the afternoon. You can talk to him again in the morning if you need to."

Severus nodded. "Are you coming back again?"

"I will bring you your potion as I did last night and stay until you are asleep."

Minerva left Severus's room to find Albus dozing in an armchair. She smiled fondly and kissed his cheek. "Time for bed, I think, my love," she whispered.

"Mmm?" Albus opened his eyes and smiled up at her. "All done, then? You had your talk, I presume."

"Yes. And it was peculiar. Well, more peculiar than I had expected," she said softly. "I'll talk to you more about it later, but he was in tears. Even after he had recovered from that and became more rational, he asked me to reconsider it and think of what it meant for me. He can't completely reject my offer, I think, because of the imperative, but I think that is what he would do if he were free of it."

"That does not come as a surprise to me, Minerva," Albus replied quietly. "Not that he would wish to reject the offer, anyway. He does not like being indebted to anyone, for one, and for another, he has been going through periods of despair these last few years, during which he does not wish to live. And his current existence is not one to be envied, but he does bravely continue on, despite that."

"He wanted to see you before I bring him his potion, Albus. I asked him to keep it brief, that you to could speak again in the morning. Please bear that in mind yourself. You look tired." She stroked his face gently.

"I am a bit. But I will go see Severus. You fetch the draught. Give us a few minutes before bringing it, though, all right, my dear?"

When Minerva reentered the sitting room five minutes later, the door to Severus's bedroom was still closed, but she could hear their voices. She wondered when Albus had returned and how much he had heard through the door. Probably not very much, given how quietly they had both been speaking. Silence, of course, would have been indicative of Severus's activities. That couldn't have been pleasant for Albus, sitting there waiting for her, knowing that Severus was taking even greater liberties with her than before. She sat in the same armchair as Albus had, listening to their voices, making out snatches of conversation.

She heard Albus say, "No, no question of it . . ." Then Severus responded, but she could not understand his words. Albus replied, and she caught the last of what he said, " . . . more tomorrow, all right, my boy?" and the door opened.

Albus smiled to see her there, but Minerva thought he looked even more tired than he had when he went in. "He is ready for his potion now, my dear."

"All right. You go get ready for bed. I will be in soon." They touched each other briefly as Minerva headed toward Severus and Albus toward the bedroom, hands automatically reaching out and brushing the other in reminder of embraces past and embraces to come.

Severus was in the bathroom when she entered, so she stood by his bed and waited for him.

"Here you are, Severus. One dose of Albus's special sleeping potion. I'll put out the rest of the candles when I leave – unless you would like me to leave one burning for you?"

"That would be kind of you, Minerva. Thank you."

Severus climbed into bed and Minerva handed him the potion before sitting with him and holding his hand. "Do not forget, Severus, that I am well and just a room away. When you awaken, you can come find me. If you dream, remember that I am close and that all is well," she said as his eyes began to blink and grow heavy.

When it was clear that he was asleep, Minerva smoothed his hair back from his forehead and whispered, "All is well, Severus. You are safe and I am near." She stood and doused all candles but one in the sconce by the door, leaving the door half-open on her way out.

She did the same in the sitting room, leaving one candle burning beside the door to the room she shared with Albus. He was in the bathroom when she came in, so she hung her dressing gown up and waited for him to finish. As he came out and she went in, Albus gave her a minty kiss on the forehead as they passed each other.

When Minerva came out and got into bed beside Albus, she asked, "Do you mind if we keep one small candle lit? Severus can't manage the candles anymore. He can't do any magic at all, I don't believe. He has got to the point where it's still flowing through him quite adequately, but he has little control over it."

"Mmm, that's fine, my dear." Albus's eyes were closed as he lay on his back, on the verge of sleep. "That means he has another five to seven days before his magic begins draining. It will likely be a slow drain because of the high magical field of Hogwarts, but I think that gives us the outside limits for completing the spell's imperative."

"Although I don't want to rush this, I don't think I want to wait five days, either, Albus."

"Hm," Albus said sleepily. "You do it when you are comfortable, my dear." He rolled over to face her and opened his eyes. "Just proceed at the pace that feels right to you." He kissed her lips lightly.

Minerva snuggled against him. "I will. I wish I knew what pace would be most comfortable for you, though, Albus."

"Your pace, my dear, your pace is the most comfortable for me. I would be uncomfortable thinking you were going faster or more slowly because you thought it was what I wanted. This situation, by its very nature, is not comfortable for either of us. One of the few comforts I have is knowing that you are in control of the pacing." Albus's eyes had closed again as he spoke.

"Let's sleep now, and we can talk more in the morning, just as I instructed Severus, all right, my love?"

"Mmm," was the last thing either of them said until Severus came to their room in the middle of the night. Minerva was awake, lying with her arm around Albus and her head on his chest. Very light snores punctuated the otherwise silent bedroom. Minerva raised her head, sensing Severus at the door. She began to roll away from Albus to get out of bed, but Albus turned with her in his sleep and laid his arm over her in a movement he had done hundreds of times before. Minerva was lifting Albus's arm, trying to leave the bed without waking him, when Severus came around to her and placed a hand on her arm, stopping her.

Severus bent low over her. "No need to wake him, my darling, or to leave him," he whispered in her ear. He did not straighten then, but bent lower and kissed her ear, then her temple, the side of her face, and her cheek. He gingerly sat on the edge of the bed, keeping his right foot on the floor, half-kneeling beside her. He gently cupped her cheek and turned her face toward him, drawing back to look at her in the dim candlelight. "You are so very beautiful, my darling, so very beautiful, like a queen or a goddess," he whispered.

Severus leaned forward and placed a tentative kiss on Minerva's lips. As she had earlier, she allowed her lips to soften and respond to his. It was odd, odder even than when he had lain on the bed with her on Sunday morning, Albus on the other side of her. She was partially in Albus's embrace, his familiar warmth behind and around her, and yet Severus was kissing her. The thought crossed her sleepy mind that she probably should have simply risked waking Albus and left the room with Severus, but it felt nicer, somehow, more secure, to have Albus there behind her, his arm around her, as Severus kissed her.

Severus carefully avoided disturbing Albus's hand where it rested on Minerva's side as he continued to kiss her lips and raise a hand to caress her throat then her breast. His kisses continued, and his fingers moved aside the fabric of her nightgown, accessing her breast and baring her nipple. Severus sighed as he carefully explored her breast. Only with Bella had he ever done something similar, and he was fairly sure that Minerva's desires would be quite different from those of the youthful, but already-debauched Death Eater.

With Severus's sigh and his gentle fingers stroking her nipple, Minerva parted her lips and took in his breath before pulling his lower lip into her own and kissing it with somewhat more energy than she had before.

One hand still holding Minerva's head, the other fondling her breast, Severus drew back slightly to look at Minerva, seeing only her and her beauty. His breath had quickened and his pulse raced as he lowered himself once more to kiss her lips then to kiss her neck. His mouth moved to replace the hand that had taken pleasure in Minerva's breast, delighting in the peaked nipple that rose up under his inexpert but caring touch. First he only kissed the creamy flesh of her breast, but then his lips found her nipple and kissed it experimentally. Just as his lips were closing around the aroused flesh, Minerva pushed him away.

"Too much, Severus, too much," she whispered, feeling guilty.

Severus straightened and nodded before rising from the bed.

"Do you need some potion, Severus?"

He shook his head.

"Sure?"

He nodded.

"If you can't sleep," Minerva whispered, "come back and fetch me."

As soon as Severus left the room, Minerva felt Albus's arm tighten around her slightly, and his left arm pushed its way under her to hold her close.

"Albus?"

"Mmm."

"You're awake?"

"Mmhm. Since Severus sat on the bed, I think," Albus said softly.

"Oh, gods, Albus, I am sorry. I should have just gotten up." Minerva felt dreadful.

"Don't worry. It's . . . okay. At first, I was, I admit, quite uncomfortable, but then, I am somewhat embarrassed to say, I was only slightly uncomfortable, and for a different reason." He pulled her closer, and Minerva felt his erection press firmly against her back.

"You found that . . . ?" Minerva didn't know what to say.

"Do not mistake me, Minerva, I have never harboured the desire to listen and watch as another man kissed you and fondled you, and certainly not at the same time as I was holding you, but for some reason, my body did find it . . . arousing," he whispered.

"Oh. Well. I suppose that physical arousal is sometimes possible even in unusual circumstance."

"Yes, it is," he said, gently pushing himself against her. "I remember a particular breakfast before we were first together in which I thought the circumstances were most inappropriate for such a thing, and yet one glance at your lovely cleavage, and I was required to retire to the bathroom for some strong Cooling Charms." He chuckled softly.

"I wasn't doing anything provocative, Albus, you know that. I had wanted to look nice for you, but I wasn't trying to be sexy." They had had this conversation before, but not for many years.

"You don't have to do anything to try to be 'sexy,' my dear. You are always attractive. And your breasts are exceptionally lovely." His left hand had worked its way up to her left breast and was squeezing it gently. "I do wish I had two hands, though." He sighed.

"You do quite well with one, Albus."

"Not for what I want to do at this moment. I suppose a little magic might assist me, though."

Minerva felt her nightgown being pulled up at the back, and she could feel his erection straining against her, only his nightshirt between them. Then the nightshirt was not there and Albus's left hand was moving down her stomach to her pelvis, then his fingers found her soft lips. "Mmm. I do so love touching you, my dearest Minerva," he whispered hoarsely.

"Severus might return."

"Probably not for an hour yet. Longer if we are fortunate. And this will not take long."

"That is what we thought the day that he came back early and saw us in the mirror." Despite her protest, she bent her top leg to grant him easier access. Under his gentle, teasing touches, Minerva's moisture grew until she became quite wet. She moaned slightly, but attempted one more protest. "You should be resting, and I really don't want him to watch us again."

"This is better for me than sleep, my sweetest love," he whispered as he moved to position himself. Without his right hand to guide him, and his left hand occupied in its pleasuring of Minerva's sensitive clit, Albus had some difficulty, and his cock slid against her opening without entering. Before he could become impatient or frustrated at his inability to enter her as smoothly as it seemed he had always done, Minerva had reached between them. When Albus felt her palm against the head of his cock, he pulled back and thrust forward again, this time, Minerva's hand provided just enough guidance for him to push into her soft, warm folds.

Albus sighed softly and kissed Minerva's shoulder. He didn't move immediately, but continued to pleasure her with his fingers until she squirmed. He began to slowly move his hips to withdraw slightly and push back in. He could tell from the way she turned her head into her pillow to stifle a moan that he was striking the right spot. A whispered spell bared her shoulder to him, and he began to kiss and nip with his lips as he thrust with his cock and fondled her clit with his fingers. Minerva continued to gasp and moan lowly into her pillow until she clutched the pillow, her legs trembling, and Albus felt her orgasm flow in waves around his cock, a long and deep orgasm that triggered his own as he pulled her against him with his left hand and thrust into her from behind. His own orgasm seemed to go on forever, despite his relatively small ejaculation, having spent himself in her so recently.

After holding her a while longer, both of them catching their breath and waiting for their hearts to resume their normal pace, Albus pulled out of her and rolled onto his back. He cast light cleansing charms on the bed and on himself, then cleaned the wetness from Minerva's inner thighs. Minerva rolled around toward him, pulling her nightgown back down as she did so.

She traced his face with her fingers and kissed him. "You haven't done that in a long time," she whispered.

"Which, interrupted our sleep for sex or entered you from behind?"

"Both, I suppose, but mainly the first."

Albus kissed her. "Perhaps I should do that more often."

"I think it is more fun when it is an occasional treat," Minerva answered softly, returning his kiss. She drew back and looked into his eyes. "This isn't simply about being aroused in the middle of the night, whatever the cause, and wanting to make love, is it, Albus?"

"I was aroused, you were next to me, you aroused easily, and it was lovely. I don't believe we need analyse it any further than that."

The corner of her mouth quirked up at that. "All right. As long as you know that I will always want you, always want to be with you, and I will never leave you, even if we were never to make love again."

Albus swallowed. "I know that. Of course I know that."

"All right. You do know that we make love all of the time, Albus, not only when we are having sex. We don't need to even touch each other to make love. Just as sex is more than just sex when it is with you, making love with you means more than just physical touching. I would gratefully spend every day loving you for the rest of our lives, basking in your love for me, even if we were never able to do this again."

Albus said hesitantly, "Do you not want to do it anymore?"

"What? Oh, no, Albus, that is not what I was saying at all. Of course I want to. Always. I always want to make love with you, feel you touch me, touch you, have you inside of me, filling me. But if we couldn't, for some reason – illness or injury or something of that sort – I would miss it, of course, but because it is one expression of our love for each other. There are others."

"You are a very passionate woman, Minerva. If something were to happen to me, and I couldn't make love to you anymore, or I couldn't perform adequately, wouldn't you miss it? Wouldn't you want it still?"

"I would want whatever it was we could still have together. I would not want to find some random wizard to have sex with, if that is what you are suggesting, Albus – or even some not-random wizard," Minerva said as Albus opened his mouth. She knew he was going to protest that it wouldn't have to be a "random" wizard. Minerva was not going to bring Severus's name into the conversation unless Albus did, but she felt he was feeling somewhat insecure and left out in this bizarre situation. "I honestly never dreamed I would ever have any other man touch me again but you, Albus. Even before we were together, I wanted only you. I occasionally settled for some lesser wizard, one I didn't really want, thinking it was practical of me to do so, but it has always been you who has held my heart, and it always will be. Even if you die before I do, which I have always recognised was likely, given our relative ages, I will not want another wizard. I am yours forever. You are stuck with me, Albus. But I did try to warn you of that!" she said with a slight smile.

"You shouldn't be so absolute about it, Minerva. After I die –"

"Forty or fifty years after you die, I might find myself some old, congenial wizard to spend my declining years with, in chaste, platonic companionship. You may not believe me, but it is the truth." She caressed his face. "Now, we should get some sleep. When Severus comes in next, I am going to leave the room with him, and then, if it is before five in the morning, I am going to give him some sleeping potion. It shouldn't matter to the Adfectus if he sleeps a bit late."

"Just a half dose, Minerva. It is rather addictive, and I don't want him having to deal with withdrawal later on. I'll come up with a different formula today that will help keep his body from adapting and becoming dependent on the specific potion."

Minerva clucked. "I do not know how you think you can keep going like this, Albus. I'm actually glad that this accident has at least kept you in the castle where I can keep an eye on you. You are running yourself into the ground."

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Just sleep a while, all right, my dear? And I will hold you."

Minerva turned and settled as Albus spooned behind her, kissing the nape of her neck before closing his eyes to sleep.

"I love you, Albus."

"I am forever blessed that you do, my dear, for I love you above all others and cannot imagine life without you."

Severus had returned to his bedroom, lain down on his bed, and stared up at the ceiling. He didn't sleep, but merely waited for the satisfaction of his encounter with Minerva to gradually fade and be replaced by longing, then by uneasiness, then by fear and anxiety. He would not allow himself to be reduced to a quivering wreck of a wizard before he returned to her, he decided. Minerva hated it when he waited so long that the edges of madness began to close in. At some point, he might wait so long that it caused her great difficulty to pull him back to himself. Now that he knew what she had meant when she had repeatedly told him she would not allow him to go mad and die, he saw no point in waiting. Before, he always had the thought somewhere in his mind that he would go mad, anyway, so he was only delaying the inevitable. It had made it easier for him justifying his suffering to allow Minerva to rest – and to give Albus some peace.

In the clarity of mind that followed his moments with Minerva, he had gone from focussing on his anger, hatred, and resentment toward the situation, to worrying about what this would mean for him when the spell's imperative demanded satisfaction that he could not give it, to being concerned about what this all might be doing to Minerva – and to Albus. Now that he knew there was an end in sight, likely just a few days away, he wasn't sure what to think about.

Severus had tried to talk to Albus that night about what this would mean for his role as a spy once he was freed from the spell, but Albus had declined to discuss it. Severus had hope that Albus would finally allow him to cease spying after this. Surely he would see that Severus could no longer continue with the plans they had made.

The sad fact was, if Severus ceased spying for Albus, he certainly would never choose to return to the Death Eaters, since his role as a spy was all that had kept him in their ranks. Voldemort did not tolerate turncoats, however, and a spy would certainly earn his greatest wrath. This meant that Severus would be marked for death if he were to leave the Death Eaters. It was unlikely that even Hogwarts could provide him with adequate protection if the Dark Lord wanted him dead.

Severus had tried to tell Albus that as he did not believe he could continue in his double-role if he were to fulfill the Adfectus with Minerva, and that if Albus persisted in his stand that he and the Order would not shelter him if he quit the Death Eaters, then he should simply tell Minerva to let Severus die now, since he would be dead later, anyway. It had seemed perfectly logical to Severus, but Albus had not seen the logic of his argument. Well, he hadn't accepted one of Severus's premises, which meant that the rest of his argument fell on deaf ears. No, Albus would not consider allowing Severus to cease his double-role. He told him, as he had many times before, that he was free to cease bringing back information from Voldemort and to quit his membership in the Order of Phoenix, but that if Severus wanted to continue his association with him and with the Order, he had to continue as a spy.

Albus wasn't being entirely cold-hearted when he said that; Severus recognised that. He was simply realistic. He knew that the only way out of the Death Eaters was through death. Any who had taken the Mark and who later tried to escape Voldemort's tyranny were systematically found and murdered, generally quite horrifically. Albus told him that the only choice that he could give him was to continue to work for the Order and spy on Voldemort, or to not work for the Order at all. Albus had made it clear that, unless he had some evidence that Severus had a change of heart about his true allegiance to Voldemort, he was welcome to stay at Hogwarts and continue to teach even if he were no longer working for the Order. Severus could still even pretend to spy on him and Potter for the Dark Lord, although Albus would no longer help him concoct stories to keep the megalomaniac happy.

Albus simply would not allow Severus to quit the Death Eaters and work only for the Order. "There would be no point to it, Severus, if I were to agree that you could continue to work for the Order but with the option to no longer spy on him," Albus had said, more than once. "It would only provide you with greater temptation to quit the Death Eaters, and you and I both know that you would not survive very long if you were to do that. Look at what happened to Sirius when we tried to hide him at Grimmauld Place. His situation was different, in that he had never been a Death Eater, but you would not tolerate the seclusion, isolation, and inactivity any better than he did, yet that is the life you would be forced into if you left Tom – and then only until some ruse drew you from Headquarters' protective wards and you were killed, just as Sirius was. Not to mention the agony Tom could cause you through your Mark. If your double role is revealed, of course I will do all I can to protect you, and you would remain within the Order. We would do our best to help you, then, my boy. But you cannot simply quit Tom's little club. You know that as well as I do."

Severus resented Albus immensely for that. It was his life. He should be able to quit the Death Eaters and no longer grovel in faked allegiance to the Dark Lord if that was what he wished to do. But if he were to quit without Albus's blessing and protection, he would very likely be dead soon thereafter. He did have the choice to quit anyway, of course, and to take his chances. And it would be nice to be free of both the Dark Lord and the Order – but that freedom would only last as long as he could avoid being killed, which would not be very long. So he could either quit both the Death Eaters and the Order and be killed, or he could just quit the Order, which provided him with the only reason to remain with the Death Eaters in the first place – other than his desire to live, of course, but that desire had waned as the years passed.

Albus had given him a gift when he had come to him, repentant, late that fateful summer, but it was not a gift without strings. Albus's forgiveness had been freely given, but his gift of redemption – or of the possibility of redemption – was costly. Severus had brought it all on himself through his own foolishness and wickedness, but he still resented it.

It only complicated matters that he had once again made a very bad decision and taken that Unbreakable Vow a few months ago. When he made it, he hadn't even been sure what it was that the Vow was going to require of him in the end, but if it was something the Dark Lord wanted, it had to be very bad, indeed. Severus believed that as long as he was likely to die from breaking the Unbreakable Vow, he might as well stop spying now and take his chances, but Albus hadn't seen it that way. Albus had said that they would consider that option only once they had exhausted other options. And despite everything, including his resentment, Severus nonetheless loved the old wizard.

As Severus lay there, the satisfaction from his encounter slowly bleeding away and the emptiness and longing oozing in to take its place, he wondered at his own allegiance to the old wizard. At first, it had been out of a sense of obligation mixed with some gratitude, that he had stayed at Hogwarts after the Dark Lord's apparent demise. But as Severus continued to work at the school, aware that Albus believed that Voldemort was not yet fully departed from this world and that he would eventually be called on again to spy for him and his Order, Severus grew to care for the Headmaster. Now, lying there with his protective layers of resentment and anger weakened by the Adfectus, Severus knew that he loved Albus more than he had loved anyone until he had discovered his love for Minerva. In fact, his love for Albus could have, in some odd way, sparked his love for Minerva, for he had always admired her devotion and loyalty to him, and when Severus had learned of their relationship a few years after he had begun teaching, the part of him that didn't scoff at such things as sentimental and meaningless had thought it was good that Albus had someone to share his life with.

Tears pricked his eyes. When this was over, he knew, Minerva would return to Albus, and he would be left alone. Completely alone again. He did not know if he could bear it. And, despite her kind words to the contrary, Minerva would likely resent him when it was over. She would no longer wish to be near him, even as a friend, even in the paltry friendship they had shared before the spell had hit him. Severus wept unselfconscious tears of self-pity. He was always alone, and now it would be worse. He hugged his pillow and cried himself dry.

As his tears petered out, Severus began to feel a mounting longing to be with Minerva and express his love to her. He held his pillow to his chest and waited until he began to tremble slightly, then rose and walked in the dim light to return to his love and shower her with affection.

Minerva and Albus had fallen asleep, and Severus walked around the bed to awaken Minerva. She stirred when he caressed her face. Blinking her eyes open, she gently disengaged herself from Albus's embrace, then rolled out of bed. She took Severus's hand and led him out to the sitting room, closing the door behind them. As she walked, she could feel a bit of wetness run from her, and she thought she ought to have cleaned up better before going back to sleep.

"Severus, wait here for me just a moment. I will be right back."

Minerva returned a few minutes later, cleaner and fresher. Severus was sitting, slumped, in the centre of the couch.

"Scoot over and I will join you for a little while."

Severus looked up, pale and ashen. "Do you always do that after I leave you? Do you always do it . . . so often?"

"What?" Minerva stiffened.

"I may not be myself, Minerva, and the Adfectus may have interfered with many of my senses, but my nose is still functioning quite well."

"Oh." Minerva looked at him. She doubted that she would have noticed such a thing, but Severus had spent years relying on his sense of smell when making potions and choosing ingredients. "I really do not believe it is any of your business, Severus. However, your first question is completely foolish, since you know that you see me at least a dozen times during the day, and even if Albus were available each time, I doubt very much that we could accomplish what you are suggesting with that frequency." Her jaw was tight and her hands clenched as she attempted to control her irritation with him. "The only reason I answer you at all and do not simply tell you to be on your way is that I am quite certain it would never enter your head to ask me such a thing if you weren't under the influence of the spell."

Severus looked down. Finally, he whispered, "I just thought you might be trying to rid yourself of my touch, that's all. By doing that, I mean."

Minerva remembered her visit to Albus in the shower. It hadn't been exactly that she had wanted to rid herself of Severus's touch so much as she had wished to replace it with Albus's, yet she could see how he could come to the conclusion he had and how it must hurt him.

Minerva closed her eyes a moment and forced herself to relax. "Shove over, Severus," she said, "and I'll sit with you a while."

Severus budged over a few inches, but did not raise his head.

"Severus, you are beginning to shake. Be reasonable," Minerva said, realising immediately how foolish such a command was. "You need to satisfy the imperative." She held out her hand to him, but with his head down, he didn't see it. Minerva sighed and waved her wand to light a few more candles. She took his head in her hands and forced him to turn and look at her.

"Severus, Albus woke up. Whilst you were there. That's all. I really don't want to discuss it beyond that; this is an awful, unnatural, and perpetually awkward situation. We all have to face that. I am sorry if you feel hurt. I certainly do not want to hurt you, Severus."

"I love you, Minerva," he whispered.

Minerva bit back a sigh, aware of how it would be interpreted by the cursed wizard. "I know you do, my dear. And I love you, too; that's why I wouldn't want to hurt you if I could avoid it. You are my very dear friend, Severus," she said, looking into his deep brown eyes, filled with tears ready to spill past his lids. "Ah, Severus, my poor boy. You are always the walking wounded, aren't you?"

As Severus's spell-addled brain tried to make sense of her last comments, Minerva leaned forward and kissed him, pulling him toward her. As she felt him relax and she knew the Adfectus was taking control of his actions, she gently eased him back to lie against the arm of the sofa and followed, still kissing him. Having had the blunt discussion with Severus the previous night had truly brought home the reality of what they were going to have to do in order to free him from the spell. And, as she had said to Albus, she could not imagine having this situation continue indefinitely, but neither did she want to dive into sex with him – especially not the long love-making the curse seemed to require. A simple in-and-out with the afflicted wizard achieving orgasm was not what the spell considered the "ultimate act of love."

"Put your arms around me, Severus," she whispered before kissing him again. When he had done that, she said, "Your kisses have been very nice, Severus, but you were wondering how you might best bring me pleasure, so I thought I would show you what I like, then you can try it on me, how's that?"

The spell-enthralled wizard nodded and moved forward to find her lips again.

"Slow down, Severus. Let me show you first, okay, here, like this . . . and this . . . and this . . . ," she said, kissing him and gently caressing his face, combing his hair back with her fingers, and tenderly stroking his chest and side with her other hand. Finally, she drew back and whispered, "And like this – open a little, mmmhm." Minerva drew back again, "Don't do anything with your tongue quite yet, Severus." He had responded to her initial foray into his mouth by plunging his tongue to the back of her throat. No finesse. Such grace, normally, but no finesse there.

Minerva slowly demonstrated when to stroke with a soft tongue, when to stroke with it hard, how to tease and how to tantalise, then she nudged his tongue with her own and let him play a bit, moving his tongue about in her mouth. Better than the gagging thrust he had attempted a moment ago, anyway, Minerva thought as she grew somewhat bored. She sat back a little and looked at him. His eyes were dilated and completely black, his breathing was ragged, and she could feel his erection through his thin pyjamas.

"It's nice, when being kissed, for me anyway, to have other parts of my body stimulated, as well, much as you were doing earlier when you were kissing me and touching me at the same time. Why don't we reverse positions now, and you see how you can do with that – I am very glad you want to please me, Severus," she added, hoping that his male ego hadn't felt injured by her instructions, but his desire to please her was so strong, he showed no sign of resenting her words.

Minerva moved off him and lay back against the other armrest. She had some trepidation about Severus lying on top of her, but whenever she had told him to stop in the past, he had, no matter what he had been doing. And Albus was in the next room if he didn't stop this time.

She needn't have worried, she realised as Severus approached her so tentatively that he allowed almost none of his weight rest on her. She smiled and put her arms around him.

"Oh, gods, Minerva, you are incredible . . . I love you so," he whispered hoarsely before kissing her, proceeding almost exactly as she had done, beginning with tender, soft kisses, then more energetic ones, until he licked her lips and began to caress her mouth and tongue with his own. Remembering what she had said about being touched, he moved his hand from beside her head, where it had supported some of his weight, and began to caress Minerva's side and her breast. Her nightgown was thin and loose, and he easily moved it aside, sliding the strap from her shoulder and baring her breast to his fingers. At first, his touch was light and languid, but then he took her nipple and rubbed it between his fingers; when he pinched too hard, Minerva gasped slightly and moved his hand away before gently pushing him to sit up. She quickly covered her breast. Somehow it was one thing for him to touch it, or even to kiss it, and quite another for him to look at it.

Severus blinked a few times, then moved to allow Minerva to sit up.

"Was it . . . okay?" he asked.

"Fine, except that my nipples are fairly sensitive – a touch can go from being pleasantly stimulating to being too rough quite easily. You learn very quickly, Severus, and I hope it was also nice for you to do." Minerva, as much as she didn't want to feel used, also did not want to feel as though she were using him, either. She may have decided to try to enjoy it, but that didn't mean that she could treat him as an object, either.

"It was very nice, Minerva. Better, actually." He squirmed slightly. "Can I tell you something? It's . . . private. I mean, I wouldn't tell anyone else this."

"Of course, Severus. And I won't tell anyone, even Albus."

"You can tell Albus, if you want to. That's only fair, I suppose. But only if you need to. And not anyone else."

"Of course not. You have my word."

"I haven't been with very many women, Minerva. When I was young, no one wanted me, really. I had sex for the first time with a, um, lady of the evening when I was seventeen. It wasn't very good. I actually wondered what all the fuss was about. It seemed easier and cheaper just to . . . you know, take care of myself." Severus grew red. "But I thought maybe I'd just picked a bad one, so I went to Knockturn Alley and paid a bit more money for a prettier, younger one, and it was still not very good. Better than the first time, though. I thought it was me, but then the girl told me that if I thought it was going to get any better, I'd have to pay a lot more than I had. So I came back the next day. This time, she took off all her clothes – that cost extra – and she, um, she did a few more things for me before we actually, you know, and it was better, but it was very expensive. But one of the things she did, well, that was actually pretty good, and she told me I could buy that separate if I wanted to. It was even cheaper than a plain fuck – I'm sorry, Minerva!"

"No, go on. So it was cheaper than a plain fuck. I'm listening, Severus."

"Yes, so I decided to do that from then on. Sometimes I'd pay a little extra to feel the girl's breasts, but not often. They wear pretty revealing robes, so I could see a lot, and that was enough. Sometimes, though, I'd pay something more so she would, um, finish me, um, well, cleanly, I suppose you'd say."

"You mean that you decided to have a prostitute give you blow jobs and then you occasionally would pay extra to have her swallow." At his wide-eyed stare and open mouth, Minerva said, "I am not naive, Severus. I told you that I am a mature witch. I am not, and have never been, what one might call 'easy,' but I did have a life before I came to Hogwarts to teach, you know. I lived in London for quite a while. It is difficult to live in a big city and not be at least marginally aware of what goes on in the world."

"Yes, well, it's as you said, Minerva. And there's really only been one witch I've been with who hasn't been a prostitute. And I don't believe that her tastes were exactly normal. I always thought that if I did what she wanted me to, it would mean she would . . . care for me. And that I would be enough for her. But I wasn't. And then finally she wanted me to do something I couldn't do, or that I wouldn't do, anyway, and after that . . . she didn't have much use for me. I guess she's even worse now, but although she's invited me to join her, I haven't. I decided that I might be pathetic having to resort to blow jobs from prostitutes in order to have sex, but I wasn't so pathetic that I would submit to her demands. Now, of course, I don't really go anywhere to get even that much contact, but it was never that good, anyway."

Minerva had a suspicion of who the witch in question was, but since he hadn't said her name, she didn't either.

"You have not had a life conducive to developing any kind of relationships, Severus. It is hardly surprising that you have not found women with whom to have liaisons, or even to develop an attachment to. I think you could, though. In the future, when you don't have such a difficult role to play, you could probably have a relationship with someone if you wanted to."

Severus shook his head. "Perhaps, but I doubt it. I will not live to see the end – or I will live only to see the end and then be killed. If by some quirk of fate I live beyond that, I have no doubt that I will, at best, live as an outcast, at worst, be sentenced to life in Azkaban."

"Albus and I will not let that happen."

Severus looked away. "I don't want to talk about this any longer."

"All right, Severus. You know, it's not yet five. Albus said you could have a half dose of potion. Why don't I get that for you and you can go back to bed for a while. We can even sleep late, if we like, since we don't have to teach. It will be like a holiday," she said brightly, wondering how long he would sleep on a half dose.

Seven forty-five brought her the answer to that question as she was awoken by the touch of a hand on her face. When she opened her eyes to see Severus's face hovering over hers, it was difficult not to let out a groan of frustration. Instead, she stifled a yawn and said, "Morning, Severus."

"Good-morning, Minerva, my goddess." He leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips.

Minerva held up her hand, "Wait, Severus, I need to use the bathroom, and I would prefer it if you would wait for me in the sitting room."

Severus nodded meekly and immediately headed for the door. Minerva stretched in bed.

"You should get up, Minerva. Don't make him wait. You know that if you told him to wait, he would wait until he began to go mad."

"Mmm, I know. I'm just very tired of this. I think we're making progress, though." She swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. After a moment, she padded into the bathroom. When she came out, Albus had moved to her side of the bed and had fallen asleep again on her pillow. He had told her once that he liked to do that because her pillow smelled of her and he slept better.

Minerva kissed his cheek lightly before putting on her dressing gown and slippers and joining Severus in the sitting room.

"How are you feeling this morning, Severus?" she asked as she sat beside him.

"Mmmph. I don't think I like this potion very well – but don't tell Albus. I am grateful to him for making it for me."

"Why? Did you have more nightmares?"

"No, strangely enough, although I did have some very odd dreams. I dreamt I was a Muggle in one of them. I had a wife and children, and a Muggle job teaching high school chemistry. And I didn't miss magic at all. Bizarre." He shook his head and blinked. "No, it's the way it makes me feel. It's not just the Adfectus. I feel very groggy and stupid, Minerva."

Minerva let him put his arms around her and begin his routine of kissing her neck and face. "He's changing the formula for you today, brewing you a new batch. I'll mention the side-effects to him."

"Mmm. But this is nice. Mmm. Such soft, wonderful skin." He nuzzled her.

"My skin is not as it once was, Severus. And remember what I said about scars? You have never mentioned mine, yet you must have seen them." Although Minerva's everyday robes covered her scar completely, the nightgown she had worn that night had not. He had also exposed more of it when he had moved her gown aside.

"Your scars? You mean these marks? Are they from last June?"

"Yes, those marks. They are from last June, yes."

"How far down do they go?" he asked, touching the one of them and running his finger down it.

"Far enough. There are a few, actually."

"Four stunners to the chest. I didn't know then that I loved you, but it still upset me. I was very glad to see you return as soon as you did."

"I know." For Severus, he had been practically ebullient. Not that most people would have noticed the gleam in his eye when he saw her walking toward him, nor noticed how he had to put extra effort into maintaining his nasty anti-Gryffindor attitude. After all of the students had been sent on their way and there were none present to remark on his behaviour, he had kindly offered his arm to assist her up the stairs, and then was the very picture of a gentleman as he had escorted her to her office. "You were quite a gentleman. I appreciated it."

"May I see them, Minerva? Your scars?" Then he added quickly, "Never mind, you don't have to. That was rude of me."

"No, not rude. If you had asked at some other time, it would have been. But I have seen yours, after all, and we have developed a different sense of comfort with each other than we had. Do you mind if I wait to show them to you, though?"

"Not at all, and you don't have to if you don't wish to. In fact, if you wish, we can keep them covered . . . or make the room dark. I promised Albus that I would help you be comfortable. Even if the Adfectus did not demand that I show you love and gentleness, I only want you to be comfortable, Minerva."

She kissed his cheek. "I know that, dear. I am getting hungry. But I can't decide whether I am more tired than hungry. I'd rather like to go back to bed for a little while."

"And rejoin Albus."

"Yes." Minerva looked at Severus, wondering what his next reaction would be.

"That's good, Minerva. And I have an idea. What's that elf's name? She doesn't like me very well, Minerva. I suppose I should expect it, though. Most humans don't like me, after all."

"Her name is Wilspy – Will -spee. And it isn't personal. She doesn't approve of this situation and it hasn't been explained to her."

"She's a house-elf! Why would she expect an explanation? Or even think to disapprove? Anyone else would discipline such a house-elf, Minerva. You are too kind to her."

"No, she is kind to me. And to Albus. I am not going to discipline her for having opinions, although it can occasionally be annoying, and I most certainly am not going to discipline her for taking good care of Albus. You must imagine what this looks like to her. She has been with Albus for far longer than I have, Severus."

"All right, Minerva. If you say so. Other than the house-elves who have served me here at Hogwarts, I've never had one. But that one is unusual, in my experience." With that pronouncement, he called out, "Wilspy!"

With only a slight delay, Wilspy Apparated into the room. "Professor Snape has called Wilspy?" the elf said stiffly.

"Wilspy, please address Professor Snape just as you would one of us."

Severus looked at Minerva quizzically.

"Yes, ma'am, Professor Dumbledore's Professor Minerva." She turned back to Severus. "You called me, Professor Snape? Can I help you?"

"Um, yes, Wilspy. Professor McGonagall is going to go back to bed now. In a little while, I would like you to bring her and Professor Dumbledore a nice breakfast in bed. Minerva, what would you both like?"

"Wilspy can decide – she knows us well. But you should have some breakfast, too. Wilspy, bring Professor Snape a breakfast you believe he will enjoy. Serve it to him wherever he'd like it. Oh, and bring a Daily Prophet."

"Yes, ma'am." Wilspy winked out of the room.

"Now you can go rejoin Albus. I will be fine for a while. I may even go back to bed, myself. I feel quite groggy."

"You're right; it is probably the potion. Mention it to him when you see him, just in case I forget."

"I will, Minerva . . . may I kiss you once more before you leave?"

Minerva looked at Severus, and she was struck again how very different he seemed. Was this the wizard underneath the other persona he normally displayed to the world? Not so slow-witted, of course . . . She gestured to him to come to her, and then closed her eyes as his lips touched hers.