Four: Fearing Fate

Chapter Four: Fearing Fate

"What did Severus say when he left?" Albus asked.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Just something like, 'all right,' then he left, I got out of bed, and then I came to find you," Minerva replied.

They went back out to the sitting room. "Did you check my study, Albus?"

"Of course – and he wasn't hiding in all six square feet of your kitchen, either." Albus turned around in a circle, as though he expected Severus to suddenly appear where he hadn't been before. He looked over at Minerva, who was wringing her hands. "What was the last thing you said to him?"

"I don't know . . . something about making himself comfortable in the sitting room, using the loo if he needed – did you check the loo? Of course you did."

"I'm going to Floo through to his rooms and look there. If he's not there, I'll check my office. You stay here in case he comes back."

Minerva sat on the settee beside Severus's carefully folded nightshirt. She picked up the book he had been reading the night before, flipped through to the section pertaining to Actus Adfectus Amor Verissimus, and began to skim the text, which was grotesquely illustrated with moving pictures of wizards and witches who, unable to find relief from the imperative, were in the final throes of the spell. As she read, Minerva could see why Severus had suggested the potion the night before; these were the most horrific descriptions she had seen yet – although a few were merely more lurid retellings of accounts she had found elsewhere – and they were all filled with the most grisly, graphic details. When Minerva turned a page to find a picture of a wizard flaying the skin from his own chest with his fingernails, blood oozing from his self-inflicted wounds and running down his fingers, she slammed the book shut. Enough! Severus was not going to read any more about this damned curse. For that was what it was; Minerva didn't care how the textbooks classified it.

Her front door opened just then and Severus stumbled through it. Minerva rushed over to him and closed the door behind him. "Severus! What are you doing? What is all this? What were you thinking, man?" She almost shook him.

"I wanted to get these for you, Minerva." He held out a rather disparate bunch of flowers to her. "I wanted to make them into a nice bouquet for you," he said sorrowfully, "but I didn't have time. And," he added in a whisper, "I don't know how." A single tear trickled down his cheek.

Taking the somewhat scraggly-looking flowers from him and Levitating them over to the table and depositing them there, Minerva said, "They are lovely, Severus. Thank you. We can take care of them together, just as soon as we take care of you."

"I also brought you these books . . . well, they're for me, actually." His eyes were soft as he looked down at Minerva's face. "I thought perhaps, if you might allow it . . . I might . . . read to you later?"

"Yes, Severus, you may. But now come sit with me. You are pale and sweaty. I am worried about you."

"I'm always pale, Minerva, don't worry. And I was a little late and had to run all the way back up; I took the backstairs to avoid any dunderheads." He sat next to her on the couch. "You are too kind to worry about me, Minerva. Please, you needn't worry." He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "You look beautiful this morning. That colour is lovely on you." Severus caressed Minerva's arm. "It is soft, too. Gentle on your sweet skin." He raised her hand to his mouth again and kissed it. To Minerva's surprise, he slid from the sofa and knelt on the floor beside her. He placed his head in her lap, much as he had the night before, and sighed deeply. "I have never wished to kneel to anyone before, although I have had to . . . often." His breath caught in his throat.

"You needn't kneel to me, Severus." She stroked his hair.

"It's not the same at all. I like to. You . . . with you it is a comfort. It is like coming home. I love you, Minerva." He settled his head more comfortably and half-embraced her, his arm resting across her legs, his hand at her waist. He turned his head to kiss her thigh through her robes, then relaxed and sighed again.

Minerva wasn't sure what to say. She rested her hand on his head, almost in benediction, and, remembering what she had just seen in the book Severus was reading last night, she was filled with sudden sorrow. "As long as you find it a comfort, Severus," she whispered. "Just never kneel to me in supplication, please." She caressed his cheek for a moment, then said, "You probably will want to sit up now, Severus. We need to find Albus. He's gone to look for you."

Severus looked up with alarm, sudden panic on his face. "Is he terribly angry?"

"He's worried about you, just as I was. You weren't here; you didn't leave a note. You never said you were going anywhere. We were very concerned."

Severus pulled himself back onto the sofa beside her. "I'm sorry, Minerva. I didn't think. All I could think of was . . ." He swallowed and looked down. "And I wanted to do something nice for you," he finally whispered.

"The flowers are lovely, Severus. I do appreciate them. As soon as we've found Albus, we'll put them in a vase. Are you all right now?"

"Fine. I'm fine." He looked over at her, then stood and walked over to the window and looked out. "I will leave a note if I leave again. I just . . . " He sighed, shook his head, and turned back to face Minerva. "I suppose I should help you find Albus. I presume he went to my rooms. I will look there; you check his office – you could leave a message with one of the more lively portraits. I will return to your room in ten minutes."

Minerva smiled brightly at him. This was the most rationally he had seemed to plan since Friday afternoon.

"That sounds good. I will see you back here, then. Why don't you Floo through first?"

Ten minutes later, the two sat at the table in Minerva's sitting room waiting for Albus, whom they had been unable to find, and arranged Severus's rather sad bouquet in a vase. Minerva discreetly added a freshening charm to perk it up. With a bit of skilful trimming, since the stems were of such varied lengths, Minerva was able to help Severus create a respectable looking arrangement.

"I guess we won't be going to breakfast in the Great Hall this morning. Are you hungry, Severus? I could call Dobby or Wilspy."

"I could drink some coffee, I suppose."

Minerva called Wilspy, asking her to first find Albus and let him know that Severus was with her and then to bring coffee for Severus and a large pot of tea for her and Albus.

They were drinking their tea and coffee a few minutes later when Albus returned by Floo. A look of relief crossed his face. "Severus! Where did you get to, my boy?"

"He just went for a stroll, Albus. He brought some flowers. Aren't they nice?"

"Mmm, quite." Albus sat down and joined them. Minerva poured him a cup of tea.

"I thought that Severus and I could breakfast here. Are you going to the Great Hall?"

"I've looked in already. I just wanted to make sure that Severus hadn't decided to go on his own, though, so I didn't stay. There weren't many people there yet. I'll have some tea with you, then go downstairs for a bite to eat. You two could come, as well, if you like." He sipped his tea and leaned back in his chair.

"Do you mind if we wait until lunch, Albus? I just don't think I could deal with the logistics right now."

"That would be fine." Albus looked over at Severus, who was pouring himself a second cup of coffee. "Severus, you scared me to death. What possessed you to go off like that?"

Severus flushed. "I just needed some air, Albus, that's all. And I thought I'd pick some flowers." He stared into his coffee.

Albus opened his mouth to say more, but he felt Minerva's hand on his knee. She was shaking her head slightly. He took another sip of tea, instead, then said kindly, "They're quite nice flowers, too, Severus."

After he had finished his tea, Albus stood. "I had wanted to talk about how we might deal with the next few days, but we can discuss that when I get back from the Great Hall." He looked at Minerva. "You'll both be all right while I'm gone?"

"Yes, Albus, we're fine. You go on." She squeezed his hand and smiled at him.

"All right then, I'll be off." He hesitated. "And if either of you goes for a walk, make sure the other knows, hmm?"

"Yes, Albus. We've already discussed that. Just give me a kiss and get going!"

He kissed the top of Minerva's head, patted Severus's shoulder, and left for breakfast.

"I am very hungry, actually, Severus. I'm going to have Dobby bring us some breakfast. Would you like anything in particular?"

"No, just the coffee."

"It would please me if you ate something, Severus."

He looked at her, his mouth half open as though he were about to speak, hands clenching his coffee cup. Letting out his breath in a rush, he put his cup down with a rattle and pushed away from the table. He began to pace, not looking at her.

"Severus? What is it?"

"This damned curse! I hate it! I hate Parkinson. I wish I could hit her with this spell and then lock her away in a room somewhere to suffer and die. I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone in my life," he cried. In his anguish, he raised his fist and struck the wall beside the bedroom door. "I even hate magic. It's a cruel, foul thing. I wish I'd been born a Squib! No, I wish I had never – been born – at all!" He hit the wall again and again, tears streaming down his face.

Severus had no time to realise that she'd got out of her chair before Minerva was at his side. She caught up his fist before he was able to do more damage to himself. The wall was limestone and had survived far worse than Severus Snape's fist. She held his hand to her chest, restraining it.

"Please don't do this, Severus. Please talk to me. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything you like; I won't share it with anyone if you ask me not to, and I can promise you that I won't think less of you."

Severus couldn't look at her. He gingerly extricated his hand from her grasp. Shaking his head, he turned from her and walked over to the settee. He slumped onto it and leaned forward, holding his head in his left hand and wiping his tears away. His right hand was rapidly swelling and turning colour. "You wouldn't think less of me . . . it probably wouldn't be possible to have a lower opinion of me," he said harshly.

Minerva came and stood beside him. "I thought you believed me when I told you how much I care for you, Severus," she chided mildly.

"I do believe you . . . but at the same time, I can't; there's a part of me still that can't believe it."

Minerva sat down. "Let me see your hand, Severus. Hmm, I haven't done this in a while . . . would you like to take your chances and have me take care of it, or would you prefer that I send for Poppy? Or bring you to the infirmary?"

He just nodded at her. Minerva cast an Episkey followed by a Detumescens Charm to relieve the swelling. "How does that feel? The only other spell I know that I could use for this would be the Solatus, and that's not particularly strong. Perhaps a potion?"

"No, no. This is fine. Thank you, Minerva." He flexed his fingers and winced slightly. "That was foolish of me."

"You were upset. Do you know why – specifically? Obviously, the spell is distressing . . ."

"It's just . . . you said it would please you if I ate something. I want to please you so much, Minerva, but I resent . . . I resent wanting to please you. And I resent wanting to do something I don't want to do, if that makes any sense . . . Although I should eat, I suppose." He hung his head.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I just . . . I think you should eat. I shouldn't have asked you the way I did. It was unfair of me."

"No, you are right; I should eat. You were not asking me to do anything that I shouldn't do." He looked up at her and reached for her hand. Taking it, he watched as his thumb gently rubbed her knuckles. "If I had been fool enough . . . or unlucky enough . . . I can't imagine anyone else but you, but I know that many women would be asking things of me . . ." He looked into her eyes. "I could be your slave, Minerva. Or you could ask me to slit my throat, and I believe I would do it . . . perhaps not today, but eventually, if I believed it would make you happy . . ." He stopped and closed his eyes. "There was a wizard in one of the books I read yesterday . . . he lived for over a year with this curse before he finally died. His heart just stopped. The woman granted him just enough access to her to permit him to survive. If his body hadn't finally given out from the strain, it might have continued longer. He was beyond the point where he could have even taken his own life. She wasn't even particularly cruel. But I suppose she simply didn't care enough for him . . . and she had a husband," he sighed.

"It sounds to me as though she was completely unworthy of his love. To have permitted him to suffer for so long . . ."

"There have been worse cases. I actually think that some of the witches struck by the spell have suffered more. One witch was unfortunate enough to be married, but not to the man who was her true love. Her husband, who was the bastard who cast the spell, locked her away. She went mad in less than a week and was dead in two."

"Severus, before you came back this morning, I had already decided that you weren't to read any more of those accounts. Most of the books just repeat the same stories, anyway, and they don't seem to contain any information that would help us – just a lot of grisly details that don't benefit anyone and that can only make you feel worse."

"I did make some notes about things some wizards tried that didn't worked. But you are right; I don't think I've found anything new in a while. You are very kind to have thought of that, Minerva." He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "I have been very fortunate, although . . ." He averted his gaze and let go of her hand.

"What is it? You may tell me, Severus. You don't have to if you don't want to, of course."

"I wish you would reconsider."

"Reconsider what?"

"The potion, Minerva. I do not believe I would suffer as much as some, and not for as long, perhaps, because you have been so kind. But it may be inevitable . . . and because of my other role, I may become a danger to you in some way."

"It is not inevitable, Severus. I have told you before, we will not let you suffer and die. I am sorry for the suffering you are already experiencing, but I have told you that I do not want you to make yourself ill by prolonging the interval unnecessarily. You surely cannot believe that I would allow you to go mad and die, do you?"

"If we cannot find a solution . . ." He let out a deep sigh. "I don't think I can talk about this anymore, if that's all right?"

"Of course. Now, you have held my hand, but how do you feel?"

"A little anxious, but not terribly. We can get back to work, if you like."

"Good. Now, I am going to call Dobby for some hot buttered scones and some fresh tea and coffee. If you are hungry, it would be good for you to eat, but you don't need to if you don't want to. After that, we will make a plan for the rest of the morning."

After they had each had a few scones – Severus ate three, surprising himself – Minerva cleared away their breakfast and Levitated the parchments containing their notes back onto the table. Minerva set Severus to sorting through the parchments containing all their notes, putting them into some kind of order, and Minerva picked up a text containing descriptions of unusual uses for spells that affect mind and memory. She would leave the scrolls to Albus, since he already seemed familiar with their contents.

Almost two hours later, Albus found them seated at Minerva's table, Severus with a stack of parchments at his left and apparently making notes on another one, and Minerva with a thin book with yellowed pages open before her.

"I am sorry I was not back sooner. There were a few . . . situations I had to deal with." The two looked up at him in curiosity. He hesitated. "Nothing to worry either of you, and nothing to do with our current problem. Although, Severus, I did take the liberty of disciplining three of your Slytherins in your stead. I did not take any points, and I attempted to fashion punishments that would conform to your usual standards. Madam Pomfrey was going to try to find you to have you take care of them. I hope you don't mind that I stepped in?"

Severus, thinking of what would have happened if he had been away from Minerva for too long, and of his diminished capacity for rational thought, just shook his head. "Perhaps later you could tell me what it was about, though, so I am not ignorant of the goings on in my House – and in case they come to me with protests about your punishments." When it appeared that Albus was about to answer him, he added, "It would do no good to tell me now. I am having difficulty concentrating at the moment." Indeed, Albus noticed, he had been rhythmically bouncing his right heel up and down and appeared to be trembling slightly.

"Ah. That's fine, Severus. I think I will wash up, then rejoin you in a moment." Albus left Minerva's sitting room and went into her bedroom to use the large bathroom. Despite his acceptance of the situation, he did not particularly wish to be standing there watching as Severus fawned over Minerva. He could avoid even hearing him if he used the master bathroom rather than the small loo off the sitting room. It was one thing to lie there and pretend to be asleep, as he had done that morning, and quite another to be obviously awake and aware of what was going on. He had no idea what kind of reaction to present. Clearly, intense interest would be inappropriate, and yet to appear not to notice anything . . . that might be all right with Severus, who seemed fairly oblivious to the rest of the world when he was in the throes of the spell's imperative, but after seeing Minerva's tears that morning, Albus feared she would interpret any nonchalance on his part as uncaring or cold-hearted.

Albus sighed as he looked into the mirror after washing his hands. He was old. Ancient, the students would say. They had been saying that for decades, and it only became more true with the passing years. After the curse on the Peverell ring had struck him, he had felt tired and drained for days, despite the fact that he and Severus had halted the curse's progress. As the weeks passed, most of his stamina had returned, but Albus knew that he had less energy than he used to. Although he had been old when he and Minerva had first realised that their feelings about each other were mutual, it now seemed to him that he had been quite young compared to the wizard who now looked back at him from the mirror. And Albus knew that, regardless of the war's progress, he would not live to see the end of it, whether he died a natural death or was killed. He truly believed that death was the next great adventure; Albus only regretted leaving behind those he loved. And he feared for their safety – not that he had ever been able to guarantee anyone's safety, Albus thought with a sigh. But while he was still here, he would help them as much as he was able, and he would continue to love Minerva every day, as he had for almost forty years – longer, actually, although she hadn't been aware of it then.

Albus dried his hands and returned to the sitting room. Severus was now on the settee reading a small leather-bound book; Minerva was seated at the table, slightly flushed, looking over her notes. Albus's throat constricted when the unbidden question rose in his mind as to what might have caused her to flush. He had been completely honest with her the night before. There was no question that he did not want Minerva to merely endure Severus's attentions, even as they grew more ardent, and he did not even want her to be uncomfortable with them. Nonetheless, the thought that another man might be arousing her . . . Albus shook himself inwardly; Minerva did not choose this. Neither did Severus. She never would have sought out another man – let alone Severus, Albus was certain, as fond as Minerva was of the younger wizard – and if they were able to find a third option, he was sure that she would be relieved. Albus looked back over at Severus, who appeared to be reading a book of poetry. At least he wasn't someone Minerva would find unbearable – such as Mundungus Fletcher. That thought was truly grotesque, and imagining the grubby, smelly drunk drooling over Minerva, Albus suppressed a mild shudder of disgust.

"Perhaps we could discuss the current state of the situation," Albus suggested.

Minerva got up and moved to one of the armchairs; Albus sat across from her in the wingback chair they had shared the night before. Severus put his book down and gazed attentively at Albus. Albus was struck by the fact that Severus was neither scowling nor looking bored; his usual reasons for scowling must have been overwhelmed by the Adfectus.

"Why don't you two both tell me where you are in your research, and then I will present my proposal?"

Minerva began. "Severus has taken the notes that the three of us have made and has begun organising them. He has also begun a comprehensive list of alternatives that have been tried and have not succeeded in the past. We determined that we have exhausted the texts that merely recount the effects of the curse; from now on, I will continue to work on the theoretical angle in hope of finding either a heretofore unattempted solution or of discovering a countermeasure that had previously failed, but which might be altered if the cause of its failure can be discovered and remedied." Minerva glanced at Severus before continuing. "I have thus far been unable to identify any such solutions. However, you are more experienced with such things, and I would like you to see if you agree."

"Severus, do you have anything to add?"

Severus blinked, swallowed, and looked down at his hands. "No. Minerva magnificently summarised the current results of our research." He looked as though he were struggling to say something.

"Yes, Severus? What is it, my boy?"

"She is utterly brilliant, with a quickness of mind and capacity for rational thought that is rare to find," Severus said rapidly, looking up at Minerva.

"Yes, she is, isn't she? Now then, I think we can move on to my proposal. I have had Wilspy assist me, and I hope you both find it agreeable. I believe you both can see that the current arrangement – having Severus spend most of his time in Minerva's rooms – will be untenable for very much longer. In addition, there is the problem of Severus's teaching. I believe that I have a plan that will address both of these difficulties.

"I have set up and isolated a set of rooms in a little-used corridor that has always been warded against student intrusion. It does not even appear on Harry's map." It was a sign of how far the Adfectus had progressed when this pronouncement brought absolutely no reaction from Severus, not even a sneer or raised eyebrow. Albus sighed and continued, "I have cast additional wards, and Wilspy has rearranged the rooms and the furniture. I propose moving you both there soon – tonight, if you both agree."

"But Albus, what of our Houses? And how will this assist us with the problem of Severus's classes?" Minerva asked. Albus could see she was concerned that this was leading up to an immediate solution – for which she was unprepared.

"I am coming to that, my dear. You both know that it is important that the Dark Lord not realise that Severus is suffering from this spell – or that anything else is out of the ordinary here. I propose that this evening in the Great Hall during dinner, Minerva become ill, visibly so. We will bring her to the Hospital Wing, Poppy will put her in an isolation room, unable to receive any visitors, and I will smuggle her out of the infirmary in her Tabby form."

Albus could see that Minerva was brimming with questions, so he hurriedly continued, addressing her directly. "This would mean, of course, that you, Minerva, would be unable to teach until we deal with the Adfectus; however, this is more easily dealt with than Severus's unexplained absence from his own duties. I will cover your classes for you, my dear. This will allow you, in your Animagus form, to remain in Severus's office while he teaches. In between classes, he can see you, and he can bring you back to the warded quarters at the end of the day."

Severus asked, "This seems fine, in theory, at least, but what about my double sessions? I do not believe I could last two hours without her."

"You have no double classes on Monday and only one on Tuesday. You can dismiss the class early on the pretence that they are all dunderheads who need to do research in the library," Albus said with a slight smile. "If by Wednesday, we have not reached a solution . . ." Albus sighed, removed his glasses, and rubbed his eyes. "If by Wednesday – earlier, if need be – we have not reached a solution, I will announce to the staff that I have sent you on an expedition to gather some rare potion ingredients that are needed to effect a cure for Minerva. Poppy and I have come up with a suitable illness that meets all of our requirements." He looked over at Minerva. "I am sorry, my dear, but this will require you to briefly become genuinely, although mildly, ill in order to create the proper effect –"

"No! Absolutely not!" Severus leapt up. "I will not allow Minerva to be injured in any way – I will die before I let anyone do anything to her!" He began breathing rapidly, hyperventilating. "You cannot do this to her!"

Minerva stood and went over to Severus. "Come, let's sit down together, Severus, hmm? I am sure it won't be too terrible," she said with a smile as she coaxed him down to sit on the sofa.

"I would never allow any injury to come to Minerva, myself, Severus." Albus thought briefly of the Stunners that had hit Minerva a few months back; he took little satisfaction that the punishment inflicted on Umbridge by the centaurs was the most that she was likely ever to receive, circumstances as they were. If he had been there, on the other hand . . . Taking a deep breath, he continued his explanation. "Minerva, during dinner, you will administer yourself a potion, which I myself have brewed. Within five minutes, you will begin to sweat profusely and experience . . . muscle spasms." He could describe the seizure to her in greater detail when they were alone. "Because both Severus and I will be prepared for this to happen, we will ensure that you do not accidentally injure yourself. Shortly after the spasms begin, you will lose consciousness. I will direct Severus to assist me and to carry you bodily from the Great Hall to the infirmary. If anyone tries to use Mobilicorpus, I or Poppy will explain that, until we know what has afflicted you, it is best not to use Mobilicorpus because of the muscle spasms, which will continue to occur sporadically for approximately twenty minutes."

Albus looked at Severus with some concern; although it had not yet been an hour since Severus had acted on the imperative, he was rocking back and forth ever so slightly, eyes closed. "Severus? Are you all right?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I am trying to be rational. It is . . . difficult. The spell is overwhelming and – I will be fine, though."

Minerva spoke up. "Albus, if he's affected this way now, what will he be like when we carry out this plan?" She turned to Severus. "Severus, if I assure you that this is what I want to do and that I am confident that no harm will come to me, especially with both you and Albus beside me, does that help?"

"I don't know," the younger wizard replied. He had begun to tremble slightly.

Albus watched as Minerva gently placed her hand on Severus's knee. "I would so appreciate it if you were to carry me from the Great Hall. It would be very gallant, Severus, and truly a gesture of love," she said softly.

Albus could immediately see the calming effect of Minerva's words and touch. Severus opened his eyes, his trembling diminished, and the slight back-and-forth rocking ceased altogether.

"If you wish me to do this for you, you know that I will, my sweet Minerva," Severus said, looking into Minerva's eyes and laying his hand over hers. "I can do nothing other than what you wish of me," he whispered helplessly, his eyes moist.

Minerva lay her other hand on top of Severus's. "I know, Severus, and I would not ask it of you if it weren't very important. I hope you understand that. I do not wish to exploit your current state," she said quietly.

Albus felt slightly out-of-place, as though there was something that he had missed, but he sat calmly and waited for Severus to recover himself. Minerva was handling him very well, he thought, his pride in her outweighing any feelings of discomfort.

"I know, Minerva. I am very fortunate to love one as worthy as you." Severus let out a shuddering sigh and looked away from Minerva. When his eyes met Albus's, he flushed and removed his hand from Minerva's. He cleared his throat. "Albus. You were explaining your plans. I am sorry for my interruption."

Albus smiled kindly. "That's fine, Severus, as long as your concerns have been allayed." When Severus nodded, Albus continued, "The bogus quest for potion ingredients will allow Severus to join you in your special quarters until a solution has been found."

"That sounds agreeable to me, and I assume that you will be taking care of Gryffindor House, but what of Slytherin? Severus's House depends on him, as well. He has already been absent from them for more than a day."

"I am aware of that. I think that it would be good if Severus looked in on his House a few times today, during the intervals – you must ensure that you do not dally, and if you think you will need an excuse to get away from them, I can arrange for Minerva, Poppy, or me to contact you about something or other in order to give you a reason to leave. Poppy does not know why we are doing what we are doing, if you are concerned about that, Severus. I told her that there is sensitive Order business at stake and that I could tell her nothing else. You can do likewise on Monday and Tuesday. When you are 'away,' I will have Professor Slughorn step in for the time being."

"What of Slughorn, though, Albus? Won't he be put out that you have apparently asked me to work on this potion, and not him?"

"I will explain it to him this way: it would require him to leave the castle and become a target of Death Eaters. That should assuage any hurt feelings on his part."

Suddenly Severus said, "Oh! And what about my classes?"

Normally, Severus would have immediately asked about his House and his classes. Although he was distressed by Severus's inability to concentrate and his clearly changed priorities, Albus smiled at the other wizard. "I have spoken with both Remus and Kingsley, without specifying precisely why I would want them to be available, and each of them is willing to help, although they don't yet know with what. Kingsley said he has some leave coming up that he can take, and Remus, of course, has fewer restrictions on his availability."

"Except the full moon, Albus." His eyes glassy, Severus asked, "I've been trying to think; when's the next full moon?"

This was truly alarming – as both a Potions master and as a Defence teacher, Severus always knew which phase of the moon they were in. Not to mention that he had just brewed Remus his Wolfsbane Potion the previous week. Albus swallowed and answered, "It just passed three days ago, so he is unrestricted in that way."

"Oh. Good. Don't want him around the students if he's a danger."

"Do you have a preference, Severus, for whom I should ask to come and cover your classes?" Albus expected Severus to name Kingsley – they had a cordial relationship and didn't have the complicated history that he and Lupin had.

"Oh, Lupin will do. He's taught here before. He's competent, unlike most. Don't know if Shacklebolt can teach, for all that he's a decent Auror. No point in drawing the Ministry's attention, either." Severus sighed. "And I . . . may not return to teaching, after all, and Kingsley already has a job."

"What do you mean, you may not return to teaching?" Albus asked, more alarmed by that statement than by Severus's willingness to have Remus teach his class.

"If we don't find a solution, we know what will happen," Severus answered quietly.

Minerva looked at Albus, thin-lipped.

"My boy, I have told you that we will not allow you to die. I know that Minerva also feels that way."

"So she tells me." He looked quickly at Minerva. "I believe you, Minerva. You are too kind-hearted to wish the death even of one such as myself." His eyes were soft and filled with unveiled admiration.

"Albus, could you give Severus and me a moment alone, please?"

"Of course, my dear. I think I will just Floo up to my office for a few minutes."

"Good – but then please come back."

After Albus had Flooed away, Minerva turned to Severus. "Severus, my dear, you must know that we will not let you die. And we will not let you go mad."

Severus nodded. "But that doesn't fit with anything I have learned of the curse, Minerva. I may not be at my most rational, but even I can see that."

Minerva sighed. "Albus will be returning shortly, and I have a few things I want to attend to before lunch. I would like to be able to leave you alone for a little while, Severus, so perhaps we might . . . ?"

Severus's features relaxed into a smile. "You were very kind to me earlier. I appreciate all you have done for me." He caressed Minerva's cheek and took her hand in his. "It is lovely, this feeling of gratitude toward you. Even when you ask something of me, I do not resent you. My only resentment is toward the spell and Parkinson. I never understood that gratitude could be anything other than painful, my love."

Letting out a deep sigh, Severus leaned toward Minerva. She consciously kept herself from stiffening as he approached her. His lips brushed her cheek, then her jaw; his kisses moved toward her ear, then down to her pulse point. He kissed her throat, then her earlobe again, pausing to whisper, "You are the most wonderful creature to ever walk this earth, Minerva, my sweet," before his lips moved to the spot just behind her ear, and then slowly began to trail kisses around her neck to her pulse point. He paused and drew back, tears in his eyes. "You are frightened of me, Minerva," he choked.

Minerva lifted her hand to his face. "No, Severus, I am not afraid of you! Why would you say such a thing?"

"Your heart is pounding. I must have frightened you. I am sorry."

"No, Severus. I was not frightened of you. If I had been frightened, I would have moved away. Come here." She put an arm around him and gently urged him to lean against her. He relaxed and put his head on her chest, closing his eyes. "There, now, Severus. How is that?"

"Fine. Good." His hand was resting at Minerva's waist in a half-embrace.

Minerva kissed the top of his head. "You will be fine, Severus. I promise." She felt him nod against her as he sighed deeply.

They were sitting like that a few minutes later when Albus Flooed through. Severus jumped up and moved away from Minerva. Minerva rose more deliberately and went over and kissed Albus's cheek before she turned to Severus.

"Severus, I need to speak with Albus alone just for a little while. We will be in the next room if you need either of us. Please do not go anywhere, all right?"

Severus, who had returned to the table and was sorting through the parchments again, just nodded.

Minerva led Albus into the bedroom. As soon as the door was closed, she turned and embraced him, leaning heavily into his chest. Albus put his arms around her and gently rubbed her back.

"You said earlier that you needed to speak with me?"

"Yes, Albus. Can we sit down together? Or lie down? I just want you to hold me a bit."

Minerva cast an Imperturbable before they lay down on the bed. Minerva snuggled close to him, letting out a deep sigh. "Albus, I am frightened."

"Tell me, Minerva," Albus whispered.

"I . . . this morning, before I joined you . . . I tried to do as you suggested last night. I relaxed. And it wasn't bad at first, but then, as soon as I felt anything, it was just – Albus, I don't want to have anyone but you to bring out feelings like those, so I ran in to see you. I needed it to be you, Albus, always and only you," she said softly.

"And this frightens you, wanting it to be me?"

"No, it frightens me to think that anyone else could do that to me."

Albus was silent a moment. "It is only important to me that you want it to be me alone and that you will return to me. I do not mean by this that I would be in any way unmoved if you were to . . . do this under normal circumstances."

"I wouldn't! I would never even dream of it!"

"I know you wouldn't," Albus replied, turning his head to kiss her briefly. "That is one of the only aspects that makes this situation tolerable for me, my love."

"I also fear hurting you, Albus."

"I love you beyond all else, Minerva, and so you have the greatest potential to hurt me; however, knowing you as I do, knowing that you would never choose this situation, and knowing that you do not wish to hurt me, I can assure you that you will not hurt me. Your actions in this situation will not hurt me."

"How can they not?"

"It is not that I am happy with it, as I have already told you. And the situation does distress me, although I am trying to control that for all our sakes. But it is not you who have brought this about, therefore, what you will do will not hurt me. You are not choosing it in order injure me or with disregard for my feelings. It will help Severus, but it will not hurt me, although I will not be jumping for joy over it. Do you understand?"

Minerva blinked back tears. "Yes. But . . ."

"But what?"

"But," she whispered, "I am afraid you won't want me after, if . . ."

Albus rolled over and held her as tightly as he could without injuring his hand. "I always want you, Minerva. That will not change till the moment I die. I promise you. Even if you left me, I would want you. I love you."

Minerva nodded. "I would never leave you, Albus. And that is part of it. I never wanted to be with anyone else . . . Severus thought I was afraid earlier, because my pulse was racing. I told him that I wasn't afraid, but I was, just not of him. And I was trying to follow your advice, so it wasn't only fear that caused my pulse to quicken, and I felt guilty because of it."

"Do not feel guilty, Minerva. Remember, I want you to take what pleasure you may. I do not want you to feel disgusted or trapped or frightened or guilty. Do you understand?"

She nodded. "Yes, and I will try." She thought for a moment. "It helped some this morning that I looked at one of the books Severus had been reading. The descriptions were vivid and horrific, Albus; it even had pictures of what happens to wizards who can't fulfill the imperative. That is why I told Severus not to read any more of them."

"Ah, I had wondered about that."

"Having compassion for him has helped me. And I do love him as a friend."

"Then draw on that love, as well. You cannot betray me, my dear. It is not possible. Remember that, no matter what happens, all right?"

"All right." Minerva paused, wondering if she dared ask the next question. She rolled away from him and sat on the edge of the bed. "Albus?"

"Yes, my dear?" Albus sat beside her.

"What if, in the end, I do not want . . . I cannot . . . if I cannot do the final act, what will we – what will you do?"

Albus sat and looked down at the carpet. "I can do nothing, my love. It is not I who can release Severus from this curse. I cannot take your place, although I would willingly do so." He sighed, thinking. Polyjuice had been tried before, but whether the afflicted person knew of the exchange or not, the spell seemed to know, and it was never satisfied by the substitution. "I suppose we could try Polyjuice, though. If you cannot go through with it, I will substitute myself for you at the last minute without telling Severus. It is likely to be futile, but perhaps it will work in this instance. You and I have been together for so long, perhaps we could fool the spell."

"No. There would be no point in that, I think." Minerva was surprised at Albus's willingness to do this for her – and for Severus. She was quite sure that he had no sexual interest in other men, nor any in Severus, for that matter. "What else might we try? If I cannot go through with it?"

"I think the only thing would be to make a potion available to him, as he suggested." Albus's eyes filled with tears; he turned his head from her and blinked them away. "Best he have the most dignified end possible under these conditions, I suppose."

"Would you . . . would you . . . be very angry with me if I couldn't?" she asked softly.

"How could I be?"

"Wouldn't you . . . ask me to do it, anyway?"

"No! Minerva, is that what this is about? Do you feel that I am pressuring you into this? Oh, Minerva, my dear, you already have so much pressure on you just from the situation itself. I am sorry if you have felt that I have asked you to do this!"

"No, I never felt that." Minerva felt embarrassed to admit the reason for her question and its lead-up.

"What, then?"

"I am ashamed to admit this, Albus, but I just needed to know . . . I know that I am important to you, but I needed to know whether my choice, my ability to choose, was important to you – not whether Severus's life was more or less important to you than my choice, although I suppose that is implied in my question."

"His life is important to me, and I would do almost anything to save it, Minerva. But I would not sacrifice you in any way whatsoever."

"I am sorry to put you through this."

He chuckled. "I am sure that what you are going through is far worse, my dear."

"And it is worse, still, for Severus. I will do what is necessary, and I will do it out of love and compassion, but . . . Albus? Would you talk to him before lunch? I have a few things I'd like to do – before my 'grave illness' sets in – and I would prefer it if you would speak with him about the likely solution. I would rather not be here for that, if it's all right."

"Of course, my love." Albus kissed her cheek. "Let's go see how he's doing. You should let him have a kiss or whatever he's doing at this stage, so that we have plenty of time for our talk. I may need to speak with him about it again later; I will tell him only as much as he seems able to hear."

They returned to the living room to find Severus stretched out on the couch, a book of poetry lying open across his chest, glassy-eyed, staring at the ceiling.

"Severus, dear, would you sit up?" Minerva went to sit beside him. "I mentioned that I have a few things I want to do before tonight, so Albus will stay here with you and keep you company for a while. Before I leave, though, you had better . . . 'recharge,' hmm?"

Severus cast a glance at Albus, then fixed his full attention on Minerva. "May I read you a poem before you leave, Minerva, my sweet?"

"Of course, you may."

"It's by Keats, a Muggle poet – do you like Muggle poets? Wizards write terrible poetry these days, and none of the ancient wizarding poems would suit you. He wrote it for some anonymous person. It could have been written for you, though, Minerva."

"That's fine, Severus."

Albus sat in an armchair and watched as Severus, his dour and sarcastic Defence teacher, knelt at Minerva's feet and began to read, his dark voice sonorous.

"Hadst thou liv'd in days of old,

"O what wonders had been told

"Of thy lively countenance,

"And thy humid eyes that dance

"In the midst of their own brightness;

"In the very fane of lightness.

"Over which thine eyebrows, leaning,

"Picture out each lovely meaning:

"In a dainty bend they lie,

"Like two streaks across the sky,

"Or the feathers from a crow,

"Fallen on a bed of snow."

Albus listened absent-mindedly as Severus continued to read the poem to Minerva. Yes, perhaps it was a fitting poem. Albus tried to remember which poem he had last read to her and, failing in that effort, turned his attention back to Severus's recitation.

"O, if thou hadst breathed then,

"Now the Muses had been ten.

"Couldst thou wish for lineage higher

"Than twin sister of Thalia?

"At least for ever, evermore,

"Will I call the Graces four."

Severus stopped and sighed, closing the book. "There's more, but I will save it for later." He took Minerva's hand in his and kissed her palm and inner wrist. He looked up at her face. "Your own beauty is greater still, sweet Minerva, but I am no poet, or you would be my Muse." He raised a hand and caressed her cheek, lingering down around her jaw, until, softly brushing his fingertips across her lips, he sighed and lowered his head to kiss her knee through her robes. "You are my Grace, however, and I will live for you, and as you ask it, I will die for you."

"I would not ask that of you, Severus." Minerva stroked his hair and gently urged him to sit up. "I need to leave now. I will be back soon, and we can go to lunch."

Minerva rose as soon as Severus had removed himself from her path. She stopped and placed her hand on Albus's shoulder. He had a book, upside-down, in front of him. She doubted that Severus, in his haze, had noticed. "I will return, Albus," she said softly. "Always."

He looked up at her and smiled. "I know. I will see you later, my dear."

Minerva looked into his bright blue eyes a moment, and her own misted over. She blinked her tears away, and with a squeeze to his arm, she turned and left.

Albus looked over at the dark-haired wizard seated across from him. His recent performance, kneeling to recite poetry to Minerva, should have seemed amusing to him, but it hadn't. It had been sad, even pathetic.

"Severus, while Minerva's gone, I thought we could talk a bit."

"It's all right, Albus. I know what you are going to say. I understand. I tried to tell Minerva, but she wouldn't listen. I am prepared. And I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you . . . and for any pain."

"Thank you for your apology, but as for the other, I think we must be speaking at cross purposes, Severus. What did you try to tell Minerva?"

"That it is no use, but that I can face it. That a potion would bring a quick end to this; she would no longer have to suffer my presence or my attentions. But she will not listen to me, Albus. Perhaps you could explain it to her. Until she releases me, I cannot release myself."

"A potion? If you are speaking of 'release' as in 'suicide,' I cannot agree to that. At least not at this point."

Severus buried his face in his hands. "It is torment for us all," he said, anguished. He looked at Albus again. "Surely it must be torment for you, as well?"

"I am not sure I would classify it as 'torment,' Severus, although I can truthfully say that if I could undo the events of the last few days, I would do so in a heartbeat, and not just for your sake."

"Then why don't you agree with me? Is it just my work? The role I have yet to play? Fate does not always cooperate with our mortal plans, as well you know, Albus. I believe this was fated to occur. It is an ironic end for me, to be sure, and there must be some justice in it somewhere."

"This may or may not have been fated to happen, Severus, but I do believe that we must continue to look for a way out of this for you. Do you honestly believe that Minerva or I would be happy if this idiotic spell cost you your life?"

"With all you know of me, Albus, it still surprises me that you do not see that it would be easier for us all if I were dead. Perhaps this is a better end and a better time to die than any other."

"You are young yet, Severus, and aside from my personal feelings on the matter, I believe you still have a vital role to play before Riddle meets his end."

"You really believe the boy will succeed?"

"I must. And I believe in you, Severus. But as I told you yesterday, if Riddle were to die at this very moment, fully and finally, we three would still seek a solution."

Severus grimaced. "There is only death for me, then. Madness and death." He closed his eyes.

"We will not allow that, Severus. I know that you are not yourself now and it is difficult to think, but hasn't Minerva been helping you? The time you spend with her, the affection you show her, is that not helping you maintain your sanity?"

"Yes, yes, it is, but soon –" Severus sighed. "Eventually kissing her . . . as I do now, and reading her poetry or extolling her virtues, soon that will not be enough, Albus."

"I am sure that you and Minerva will find new ways for you to express yourself to her, Severus," Albus said patiently.

"New ways," Severus said mournfully. "Soon she will tire of it, find me disgusting and unbearable . . . Perhaps then she will consider the potion."

"I do not doubt that it is wearying to be the focus of your attention and to know that you are dependent on her presence, but I do not believe that she will ever find you disgusting and unbearable as long as you continue to be kind and sweet to her."

Severus looked at Albus with disbelief. "Kind and sweet? That may not be difficult now, but over time . . ."

"You will work it out with Minerva, I am sure." Albus paused. "Severus, may I ask something of you? You needn't promise; I wouldn't try to extract a promise from you under these circumstances."

"Ask me, Albus. It is your right almost as much as it is Minerva's . . . and I am very sorry. Although you say it is not a torment, I do find that hard to believe – although I am not particularly rational most of the time, so I may be wrong."

"This is something that would ease my mind, then." Albus looked seriously at the unhappy wizard seated across from him. "I would like to ask you to always be gentle with Minerva and to think of her. It is not simply a matter of not disgusting her, my boy, it is a matter of making her comfortable and of . . . um, it is a matter of making her happy."

Severus stared at Albus. "Not a matter of . . . I cannot make her happy, Albus. I can try to make her comfortable with me, though."

Albus heaved a great sigh and took off his glasses, setting them down on the small table beside him. He rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, then rested his head in his left hand a moment. "Severus, you are likely correct: you cannot make her happy. But you can do more than just make her comfortable. You can try to make it a pleasant experience for her." Albus swallowed, looking at Severus for any reaction. "Severus, I am asking you to try to please Minerva. Try to help her enjoy herself."

Severus just sat and blinked at Albus. Finally, he said, "I don't think I understand, Albus. I am sorry. It must be the spell is affecting me more than I believed. I thought you said . . . are you saying that you want me to bring Minerva pleasure?"

"You understood me correctly," Albus answered tersely. He concentrated on relaxing and controlling his breathing.

Severus shook his head. "I have only been hoping that she could tolerate me . . . that she could tolerate just one more touch, just one more kiss, just one more word."

The two wizards sat in silence. Finally Severus stood and went to the window to look out. Students were milling about in the courtyard below. He turned and came back over to Albus.

"Albus, you know that the spell is affecting my judgment and my cognitive abilities." When Albus nodded, Severus continued, "To the extent that I have understood you, I can tell you that I will do my best to do as you have asked me. Perhaps it will even help to calm the spell, for I do only want to be good to Minerva. I just have not believed that I could do anything other than express myself to her and be grateful that she tolerated me."

"Thank you, Severus. It means a lot to me."

"I don't completely understand why, though, Albus."

"Think of how you feel about Minerva. Now imagine that someone else was struck by the same spell you were. Would you want Minerva to merely tolerate the presence and attentions of the other person, or would you want her to be happy?"

Severus looked torn. "I would want to kill the bastard," he finally choked out.

Albus laughed. "All right, I suppose that was not a good example to provide you while you are in your present state. Imagine, instead, the following: you were not hit by this curse, and Mundungus Fletcher was. Do you think that Minerva could do anything but barely tolerate him?"

Severus shuddered visibly. "That is a dreadful thought, Albus."

"Perhaps you see now. Mundungus could never bring Minerva any pleasure – at least I highly doubt it! – but you may be able to. I do not want to have Minerva burdened by this spell any more than absolutely necessary. For me, that means that if your attentions can be enjoyable for her, I would prefer it."

"It is not only up to me; it depends on Minerva. I do not know if she would welcome anything like that from me. In my more lucid moments, I can see that even gestures such as I have shown her to this point are nothing that she would ordinarily accept from me. That is why I am so grateful to her."

"Work with her, then, Severus, and as your attentions to her advance, keep in mind her pleasure. As you say, it may help calm the spell's imperative."

"I will, Albus. I do wish she would return, though. I hope nothing has happened to her."

"I am sure she is fine. You will be fine without her for a while longer, too. She will be back before the spell becomes overwhelming for you. Now I think I will read some. I suggest you just rest for now."

Albus put his glasses on and picked up a book from the top of a pile. He had no plans to do any research before lunch, but he could scan a few of the books and see if anything struck him as worthy of further investigation later that day.

Severus reclined on the couch, lazily looking at his book of poetry, turning the pages every so often, till finally he placed it on the floor beside him and stared at the ceiling, eyes glassy and unseeing. Ten minutes later, he was lying on his side, eyes tightly shut, clutching a throw pillow tightly to his chest. Five minutes after that, he was muttering softly to himself and gently rocking back and forth.

Albus was becoming alarmed; surely Minerva would be back soon, but he was disturbed by the spectacle of his young Defence teacher becoming increasingly distressed, knowing there was nothing he could do for him. Still, he would try.

"Here, now, Severus, my boy," he said, approaching the afflicted wizard and perching on the edge of the settee beside him. "Tell me about Minerva, hmm?"

"She is wonderful, Albus, kind and generous. And funny. And she doesn't put up with me. I mean normally. If I'm being a nasty bastard. I'm sorry I'm a nasty bastard, Albus. I wish I were someone she could be proud of." Severus began to weep.

Well, that plan had not worked as Albus had hoped. "You know, Minerva is proud of you, Severus. She has told me so. You have done so much, worked so hard. She understands that you can't always help yourself."

Severus's weeping did not diminish, and he began to mutter again. Albus was able to make out only the words "Minerva" and "my love." He rubbed the younger wizard's back and hoped that Minerva would return soon. With relief, he heard the click of the door, and he turned to see Minerva hurrying in and shutting it firmly behind her.

"I am so sorry! I went to see Argus, and then there was an incident in the Charms corridor – I couldn't leave and yet I couldn't very well send for you, Albus." She crossed over and took Albus's place beside Severus.

"Hush, now, Severus, I am here."

"I think I will leave you two and return in fifteen minutes, my dear. We can go to lunch then."

Minerva looked up at Albus and held out her hand to him. He took it, and she said, "I'm so sorry, Albus."

"Do not give it another thought. We can talk later." He bent and kissed her forehead before disappearing through the Floo.

"Severus, Severus, sit up, dear thing."

Severus sat and slumped against her. He said hoarsely, "I cannot even speak of my love. I feel ill, Minerva. So ill."

"I know, and I am sorry. Come, come with me, Severus."

She took his hand, and he let her lead him into the bedroom. As much as Minerva disliked the thought of lying on her bed with anyone but Albus, she brought Severus over to it and sat him down.

"Let's just lie together for a bit. Like we did this morning." Minerva toed off her shoes and lay down on top of the bed. "Come here, Severus." She held out her hand, and as he turned, she took his arm and guided him down beside her. When he just lay there trembling, Minerva said, "Do you not want to show me how you feel?"

"Yes, may I, please, Minerva?"

"I would like that," Minerva responded, thinking that, on some level, her statement had been true.

Severus rolled over and placed his arm around Minerva's waist. He lifted his head from the pillow beside hers and looked down at her before tentatively kissing her brow. He drew back again and gazed at her a moment, then he kissed her brow, her temple, her cheek, her jaw. He rested beside her, his head on the pillow next to hers and leaned in to gently kiss her ear and the side of her neck as he raised his hand from her waist to softly caress her face. "You are so beautiful, Minerva. So lovely. So warm and soft."

His caress moved from her face down her neck to her shoulder. He traced the length of her arm until he reached her hand. Severus took her hand in his and sat up to kiss it and hold it to his face, then kiss it again. "I do so love you, Minerva. And I wish I had not been hit by this spell, more for your sake than for mine. I am sorry you must bear my attentions."

"Shh, shh, Severus. None of us would have chosen to have you cursed like this. But as you are so afflicted, I need to ask you not to apologise for the attention you pay me."

"I . . . Albus and I . . . we talked while you were gone." Severus looked down. "I would like to make this all as painless as possible for you." He swallowed and cleared his throat. "If I can bring you any pleasure at all, although I do not claim to have this capacity, I would like to try, if that is agreeable to you, Minerva."

"Yes, that is agreeable to me, Severus," Minerva said softly.

Severus looked up and gazed into her eyes. "I do not know how to bring you pleasure, but I will try . . . with your help, perhaps I will be able to." He took a shuddering breath and let it out in a sigh. "I do wish I could. For I do love you truly. And I always will; even if we defeat this spell and I may never touch you or speak to you of my love again, and it breaks my heart to think of that day, I will still love you."

"I know it, Severus. But you are right; when we defeat this spell, things will be different. You know that you and I . . . you may love me, Severus, but you do see that we are friends, don't you? That our friendship is a good thing, but that it cannot become anything else?"

"Yes, I see that. It is difficult when I am in the full grip of the spell. I envision being with you forever, of just the two of us living somewhere far away from all of the nastiness of the Dark Lord and the Ministry and the annoying dunderheads. But I know it cannot be."

"You probably won't even want such a thing once the spell is lifted, Severus. Well, perhaps you might want to be far away from all the nastiness . . . but I do not believe we could be happy together, and I believe that, unaffected by this spell, you would agree with me."

Tears welled in Severus's eyes. "I believe you because you say it is true, my love, but I wish it were not so, and that I could make you happy."

"You can help see to it that I am not entirely unhappy, Severus. That is a lot." Minerva reached up and gently caressed his face. "You have done very well. And I appreciate that you wish to make this comfortable for me. Thank you."

Severus lay his head on her breast and closed his eyes. "May I rest here a moment, please?"

"Yes. A moment." Minerva stroked his hair gently and remembered the image of the wizard flaying himself alive. She placed her other arm around him. "You will be all right, Severus. You will see."

---

Author's Note: The Keats poem is called "To ****" and is (obviously) out of copyright, as Keats died in 1821. It may be found in Poems 1817, which has been reprinted in various Keats collections. No doubt you can find such a book on Amazon.com; you may also read the poem in its entirety over at the Gutenberg.org site – just search for "Keats."