Letter 4: J. Alfred Prufrock to Severus Snape, 29th November 1997

A/N: For simplicity’s sake, titles of books, journals etc are underlined and emphases are italicised. In reviving the old tradition of epistolary novels, I understand the plot may be a little slow, laborious and difficult to follow. Some might consider it a little OOC.

In order not to weary the reader’s patience, a number of letters from the series of correspondences have been suppressed; only those which are necessary to a complete understanding of the events in this group are reproduced. For the same reason, some letters from the actors in the events of this drama have also been suppressed.

Proestigium or What the Seasons may Bring

Letter 4: J. Alfred Prufrock to Severus Snape, 29th November 1997

J. Alfred Prufrock

Prufrock and Tudor Literary Agency

57, Nimue Lane,

Leeds, West Yorkshire

United Kingdom.

Professor Severus X. A. Snape

Hogwarts Castle,

Potions’ Office,

The Dungeons,

Scotland,

United Kingdom.

29th November 1997

Snape,

That old bag Heaney from Obscurus/Esotericae House has written again. I have already deposited the cheque at Gringotts. The receipt is enclosed. Are you not glad that you are now able to live through your pen as you always wished? Albus was right about your flair for the language; after all, you know how persuasive the Dumbledore brothers are. As you will note on the bank receipt, I did not arrange to cut the 15% meant for the Order war fund or the 25% for the wizarding war orphans’ school fund. I will require your Arsenius Jigger signature to withdraw the money before discreetly “dropping” the amounts into the relevant offices. There is nothing I can do about this, as it is a newly installed Gringotts’ rule. Once you grant me the permission, I will also transfer the balance of the royalty monies from your Jigger account to your usual Severus X. A. Snape account. Upon the completion of these transactions, you should have 3782 galleons, 488 sickles and 67 knuts in your Jigger account. In case you are unaware, Gringotts has also implemented a new rule whereby each account must have a minimum of 2 galleons in it otherwise the bank administration will charge a “reminder fee” of 20 sickles for every month it is below the official amount. “Reminder fee” my bloody arse! It’s a new Fudge led campaign to forcibly fine the wizarding community so that the ministry can fund its blooming impending war effort.

Now, should you opt not read Heaney’s atrocious letter, here’s what it’s trying to say: (1) it wants you to look through the catalogue and order some books, (2) Flourish and Blotts wants you to do a book signing and lecture affair a la Lockhart, (3) Obscurus Books and Esotericae House International want to translate your books for the usual commission fee to home authors, (4) attached are your ‘fan’ mail, (5) it wants you to consider revising the textbook you wrote. I shall forward Heaney’s letter and the Esotericae House catalogue so that you can decide on your own. I’ve already written to Flourish and Blotts declining their offer on grounds of your “delicate health”. As your agent, I think it wonderful that your textbook is now the standard text for Potions’ students everywhere. I will enquire to see if outsourcing the translation is more economical. Or would you prefer leaving it to Obscurus to handle the translation? The Latin and Attic Greek editions are almost ready for despatch to Obscurus and Esotericae. Our editor is giving it a final look through before posting it to the publishers. When Aberforth’s wife has completed the editing, I’ll send the draft manuscripts to you for one final proof before giving it to Obscurus. Penelope suggests that you should write new introductions for the foreign language translations and I think it is a good idea. It is times like these when she shows great presence of mind that I wonder why she married Aberforth.

I have replied to your fan mail with the generic thanks. I feel you ought to seriously consider Obscurus’s suggestion that of revising Magical Drafts. It has been in print for the past 8 years and as much as you hate it to admit it, there have been new innovations in the field that could be relevant to your students’ examinations. I strongly recommend revision because a Miss Granger has written to you. Her query is on some academic point or the other, I do not fully understand, on the nature of arrowroot or something to that effect. I have been out of school for too long and am unable to answer the young lady’s question. I apologise for opening it as I realise now that it is meant to be a private letter. However, if I did not inspect its contents, I would be a poor agent and publicist. You may want to respond to her. I know you usually make it a habit to confine your speculative arguments and intellectual browbeating to the notable Alchemy journals, but do make an exception in this case. Miss Granger is too young to publish and I doubt even the Midlands Journal of Alchemical Studies would accept an article by a Hogwarts student. Put you usual truculence and academically demeaning personage aside, and give this young lady an apt reply. I cannot stress the importance of cultivating your reasonable Professor Arsenius Jigger air. Since she is also your student (for you are the only Potions Master in Hogwarts after all), I trust that you will handle this matter with the utmost delicacy.

By the bye, the University of Kent is desirous of Jigger’s attendance at the Advance Dead Potions Workshop next month. I know you will most likely be unable to get away from Hogwarts, so I have written to the organisers with the usual excuses. However, they would like it very much if you were to write a paper to be read and/or delivered by proxy. Potations Perspectives have sent their latest winter issue. That is enclosed within. Your article appears between pages 183 to 214. The rate of your honoraria for the article is 50 galleons a page and will be automatically debited into your Jigger account via inter-bank fund transfer.

You will find everything you need and all the relevant documents within this package. Give the owl a little something extra for its effort. Do take care. My cousin, Penelope Tudor Dumbledore sends her compliments.

Regards,

J. Alfred Prufrock

Footnotes

Proestigium is Latin for illusion. Ironically, the English word Prestige derives from it.

The word “Blooming” that appears in the first paragraph is an 18-19th Century mild swear. It is not as offensive as “Bloody”, but more offensive than “Heavens!”