April - June

April – June

April, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Finally back at Hogwarts after an endless, miserable break, and in class with my beloved. Oh, I'm so, so happy to see him again! I didn't see him when I returned, though I expected him to be there. Of course, with some excuse or other, but he wasn't. That disappointed me a little, and I was sad until I heard that he had been very busy during the break, working on some project of his, and that the project kept him so occupied that he forgot everything else around.

At first, I suspected this to be a project the Poudle is involved in – after all, she's forever clinging to the hem of his robes and bragging on about extra credit and so on, and she stayed at Hogwarts during the break. But she wasn't involved. Rumour has it that it's some kind of mystery project and deeply private. Oh, oh, I wonder what it is! Has it something to do with – me? I bet it has! So, I was happy again and not too disappointed he hadn't come to see me arrive. Though I really thought, after all the owls I sent him, he would come. I wrote every other day! Nothing much, just small, romantic love letters. I bet he loved them! Oh! Perhaps he's too shy? How sweet!

Though, considering what he is usually like, he isn't the least bit shy. On the other hand, when a man has found his one true love, he is insecure and shy. Everybody knows that. Oh, oh, oh!! What a wonderful thought! He loves me, I know he does!

Now that I thought of that, I can forgive him his nastiness. And he was nasty in class today. Moody, and scowling, and deducting points for doing as much as turning a page at the wrong time. He was even nasty to me, sneering at me when I couldn't immediately tell him the right incantation for some spell or other. It didn't help that he called the Poudle an overbearing know-it-all when she stepped in and gave the right answer. And he gave us tons of homework!! I wonder what is wrong. I thought he'd be happy to see me again.

April, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Something must have happened during the break, something bad. My dearest Severus was nastier than ever during class today, and I had to apply Lavender's Charm afterwards before I went on to Divination. And I wasn't the only one. I met the Poudle in the bathroom, and she had rather red eyes as well. I know I always said that I don't like her, and I really don't, but at that moment we were two women against one man, and I taught her Lavender's Charm.

And it wasn't only today and in our class. All week we've been hearing stories about how mean and snappy he was, deducting points and giving detentions. He looks as horrible as he did at the beginning of the year, and that dreadful scowl is back. But what could have happened? What made my darling so miserable that not even me being back lightens his mood? Oh, does he think I don't love him back? But I wrote him all the letters! He must know what I feel! And it hurts me to see him so unhappy. I so want to hug him and kiss that scowl away, and make him happy again!

April, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Oh, I hate him! He's so mean! How could he say that? How?? He insulted me! Yes! Called me names – he never did that before! He broke my heart. Oh, why, why did he say that?!?

And I tried so hard to lighten his mood! I wore the Venus today because I know it makes me look gorgeous, and I know he likes to look at me, but what did he do? He insulted me! And I still don't know why he's so moody and glum!

I spent the weekend chatting with friends to try and find out what happened during the break that made my darling so miserable. And there was a lot of chatting about his abrupt change after he was so nice before the break! But I couldn't find out much. It's all rumours! All I know for sure is that he barely showed up for meals (well, he was busy with this mystery project), got a lot of owls, told Amery one morning to keep her kittens in check, and has been in the blackest of moods since halfway through the break. No one knows why or what happened. My friends speculate he broke up with his lover. Oh, no! Has he given up on me? Does he think I don't love him? But how can he think so?? After all those owls ... what can I do to let him know how I feel?

April, Thursday

Dear Diary,

After some thinking about it, and talking to my Secret Sister and watching him in class today, I think I figured it out. I think I know now why darling Severus is so miserable. Oh, it breaks my heart again and again when I see him like this! But there's nothing I can do. You see, he takes his responsibilities so seriously, and I'm still his student! That must be the reason! He finally figured out he's in love with me, but he can't act on it because he's my teacher. I know that's true. I lay Five Ways, and that's exactly what I got!

April, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

I continue with my tactics. Perhaps that helps my darling. Shows him I still feel the same. So, I wore a new hairdo today, with some strands pinned up and some hanging down. It looked really good and unique. I also charmed silver stitching on my deep blue robes and wore my lapis lazuli earrings. And my darling liked it. He looked at me, without a sneer, and didn't insult me. Not even when my wand got tangled in my hair during practice! He simply stood there, staring.

He's still pestering us with these Gaelic spells, and still no one but Poudle manages them correctly, but he doesn't acknowledge it anymore, not like he did before the break. He only nods, but doesn't look at her, and sweeps away. Oh, I so enjoy watching her glare furiously at his back! Aw, is ickle Poudly not teacher's pet any longer?

April, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Horrible day. My essay seemed to be written in red instead of blue with all the comments and corrections he made. And those comments ... he has never, ever been so nasty! I understand he has to keep up appearances, but does he have to do it while commenting on my essay? I had to apply Lavender's Charm again, and once again met the Poudle in the bathroom. She was staring at herself in the mirror, all white, teeth gnashing, and eyes flashing with fury. If looks could kill, she'd be dead. When she saw me in the mirror, she turned and stared at me as I hurried to charm my red eyes away, snarled 'Damn that man,' and stormed out of the bathroom. I wonder what got her so riled up. Trouble in paradise, perhaps?

April, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Class was horrible. Severus sprang another mock exam at us, and I didn't even understand some of his questions! I felt sick when I left the classroom – only five weeks until the NEWTs! And I don't have the time to study! I have a far more important project going!

On the other hand, if I study more – in the library – I might see him more often, have the chance to talk to him, and impress him with my studiousness. Yes, I think I'll do that! I remember, from last year, how often I saw him there. Oh, what a good idea!

May, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I took extra care this morning to look good and went to his classroom a little early. I thought to ask for books I could read for the NEWTs and then, who knows, maybe chat a bit? But when I arrived, Poudle was already there. I hate her! Always, always getting in my way! And she had apparently been arguing with Severus, because when I entered the room, they were standing very close together, both flushed and breathing hard, as if they had been shouting, and Severus was in a really foul mood when he turned to me. He glared at me, then at her, and then snapped at us to sit down and prepare for class. And then he ignored us for the rest of the day. Oh, I was so mad at Poudle! Why, why did she have to go and make Severus angry?!

May, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Phew, what a weekend! I went to Severus's office on Friday to ask for the books, and he sneered at me and told me he had given me a list of recommended books the lesson before the break, and then threw me out of his office.

Damn. Of course I remembered the list! But I needed an excuse to talk to him. Only, he didn't let me talk. I spent the afternoon looking for the dratted list and then spent the weekend in the library. I really studied, but I don't see why I should go all frantic just because of the NEWTs. Okay, so they are important, but still, there's no need to study like Poudle or Hannah Abbot or Ernie Macmillan. They are mad! Besides, the cards told me that I will achieve my goals – so why bother?

And because I didn't study like mad, I saw Severus enter the library. After a while, I followed him inconspicuously under the pretence of looking for a book. I half expected him to go into the Restricted Section, but he didn't. He went to the Magical Beasts and Creatures section where he got some books on water-spirits (I looked at the shelves after he was gone to see what books he got, and at first I was surprised, but then I remembered my third year with all the creatures Lupin told us about).

On his way out, he stopped at Poudle's desk, and they exchanged a few words, but that didn't bother me at all because although I couldn't hear what they said, I could see how angry she looked. Apparently, he had insulted her again. My triumph was heightened when he greeted me as he brushed past me, shortly but civilly, and I saw Poudle watching us. I couldn't help a smile, at which she raised her brows, but then shrugged and bent down again over her books, and I floated back to my own desk.

This calmed all fears that rose over the last few weeks. He really does love me! But I'm his student, and he can't let it show. But he was polite in the library at the weekend and today in class as well. Yes, indeed! He didn't snarl at me when I mispronounced Expelliarmus (he's stopped teaching new spells and is now revising about everything we ever did), but merely snorted and told me to practise the correct pronunciation if I couldn't do it non-verbally, and then went on to Dean and Seamus. He's nasty to everybody, but not to me any longer! He loves me!

May, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Class today was practical revision again, and this time I did all my hexes correctly, which he acknowledged with a nod. And he criticised Poudle! He told her she had to do better than that to impress him! At which she promptly hexed him! I believe I was never more shocked. She must have gone mad! And Severus, to everybody's surprise, merely gave her a horrible scold and deducted tons of points, but didn't put her in detention nor threaten to have her expelled.

This is the proof! I did manage to lighten his mood! I have influence on his emotions, and that can only mean he cares for me! Oh, I'm so happy!

May, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Slytherin smashed Hufflepuff last Saturday. Severus ought to be happy, but he is not. On the other hand, he didn't sneer at the Hufflepuffs, either, which means he can't be in a very black mood. Plus, today in class he was almost his old, nasty self from the beginning of the year. Not as nice as in March, but neither as mean as he was these last few weeks. He called us a bunch of dunderheads and prophesised that we shall all fail our NEWTs abysmally, but he didn't insult any of us. Not even Poudle.

I just wish he would stop talking about the NEWTs. It's only three and a half weeks! We are all drowning in homework and revisions. With all the studying I must do, I have barely time to continue the conquest of my beloved.

May, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I now spend every evening in the library ostensibly studying, but in truth waiting for Severus to show up. Sometimes I'm lucky and he puts in an appearance, but those are rare occasions. Well, of course, he must have his own library and doesn't depend on the school library. And he never stays very long, just sweeps in to get his books and leaves, barely acknowledging the students' presence.

Today was one of the very, very few times he did, though. He saw me when he came in; our eyes locked for a second, and he grimaced as if he wanted to suppress a smile. I stared after him when he swept past my desk, totally surprised, and my heart beating madly in my throat. He almost smiled at me! After he completely ignored me in class today! Oh, this is what I live for, these few, secret moments!

This short, sweet moment had made me so happy that I didn't even mind seeing him with Poudle later. I suddenly noticed that I needed a certain book that happened to be found somewhere in the direction darling Severus vanished between the shelves, and so I went in search of it and that's when I saw them.

Poudle was hugging a book and leaning against the shelves, looking up at him, and Severus was bracing himself with one hand on a shelf above her head and leaning down, quite threateningly. He seemed to have said something very mean to her, because I'd swear she was crying. She tried to say something, but he hissed at her and pushed back, and when she opened her mouth again, he made a cutting gesture with his hand and stormed out of the library.

My darling almost smiled at me and was mean to the Poudle. Yay!

May, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Apart from studying, the weekend was a failure. Severus didn't show up in the library. And he was late for class today! What kept him? When he finally arrived, he was in such a foul mood, we expected to be hexed every moment. I've never seen him like that before! He wasn't moody; he was in a towering rage! He merely snapped at us to start practising, and then continued to criticise us and deduct points. This was the worst class I've ever had in my life! What in the world made him so mad?

May, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Rumours are running around about the reason of Severus's foul mood – which, by the way, hasn't abated one bit! The one that sounds most likely is that he had a row with the Headmistress on one thing or other. Some even claim to know that it was about a student. My friends said this sounded true; after all, he's been so nasty to us for weeks. Of course, there would have been a student who didn't like it and complained to their Head of House.

I decided to test the waters, so to speak, and suggested that it was because he was in love with a student, and the Headmistress naturally couldn't tolerate that. They all looked at me as if I had grown a second head, and even when I reminded them that they as well had believed him to be in love in March, they just shook their heads and said it was gross. Lucky me that I didn't tell my Secret Sister!

May, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

I was so right! Everybody thought I was going crazy, but I was right! The portraits in the Headmistress's office have been whispering with the other portraits, and at one point the students caught the whispering, and now it's all over school: Severus is in love with a student. And not just any student, but a witch from Gryffindor! So there! Dear God, I all but burst with happiness when Phoebe told me that she heard it from Anna Perry, a fifth-year, who had it directly from the Fat Lady! There's no room for doubts anymore! He loves me!! Oh, I'm so, so, so happy!!

May, Thursday

Dear Diary,

The rumours are stilling running around the school like wild-fire. Whenever we have the opportunity, my friends and I discuss it. Well, they discuss it, marvelling that I was so right about it and wondering who the witch in question might be, and I listen to them and try not to burst out singing. I'm so happy!

The Slytherins all are mad at the rest of the school for their gossiping, and whenever they hear someone talk about the rumour or even hint at it, they hex them. Severus ignores it, while other teachers keep on deducting House points in dozens. Since Slytherin isn't so far back in House points, I assume Severus secretly gives the lost points back to his house.

With the rumour still fresh, class today was horrible. Not that Severus was nastier than before. He was still fuming, but all he did was torture us with practise revision. But the Slytherins were watching us, and neither of us dared say anything lest they thought we were offending their Head of House. Even Harry, whose feud with Severus is legendary, didn't say anything.

He paired with Poudle today, and if I didn't know they are bosom companions, I'd say he hates her: he kept flinging hexes and jinxes at her, and she really had to struggle to keep up with him. It's been some time since I've seen Harry in action, and if I wasn't already madly in love, I'd fall for him. He looks so amazing, and it's pretty obvious he's a lot more powerful than we all thought!

June, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

The last week before the NEWTs has begun, and everybody is nervous. Even I! Although both the cards and the crystal ball tell me that I don't have to worry. But I do – everybody is frantic, and that's catching. I can't remember ever studying so hard, not even last year before my breakdown! And I'll have another breakdown before next week comes, with all the revisions and practices the professors force us through! There isn't time for anything else but studying; rumours, tactics, relationships are all put on hold till the week after next.

June, Sunday

Dear Diary,

Fatigued to death after intense studying. Tomorrow at nine, I have my first exam in Transfiguration. I hope I can sleep tonight!

June, Wednesday

Dear Diary,

Over, over, over!! My last exam is over! I'm a graduate of Hogwarts now! Yay!! Oh, I'm so relieved it's finally over! The last week ... boo! I was forever either taking an exam or studying for another, but that's over, over, over now! No more exams for me! I feel as light as a feather and SO happy!

There are others who still have to sit exams, but both my Secret Sister and I are done, and we're planning a large party in Gryffindor for Friday when everybody has sat their last NEWT! It's a reason to celebrate, no matter how the results are! We'll get them some time in July, Amery told us, but I don't care much about them. I think I did fairly well, and besides, when I get the owl I shall be engaged to darling Severus – and that's the only career I want! Mrs Severus Snape!

Oh, oh, oh! I don't know how I shall survive next week till the leaving feast. Ah, but I know what will happen then. I have something to look forward to! And it's something so delightful, so ... oh, it's better than any words could ever be!!

June, Friday, the day of the Leaving Feast

Morning

Dear Diary,

The week's over, and how I survived it, I'll never know. I'm so giddy! My head feels as if it's stuffed with clouds. Is it only nine days since I sat my last NEWT? I've forgotten everything! I've been floating on clouds and don't even remember what I did this week. I've lived as if I was in a dream! But the real dream, the one I've been dreaming for months, will come true tonight!

I haven't seen my darling very often this week. He was busy grading all the exams of the first- through fourth-years. Poor dear! Such beautiful weather, and he had to stay inside and grade exams! It's not surprising he always looked so sour at mealtime! Ah, but I will make him smile before the day ends!!

It's still early. Only Poudle is awake. She isn't looking very well, even for her standards. She's pale and thin, and her hair looks awful. Her eyes are a little too bright, and have been for some time, a sure sign that she applied Lavender's Charm far too often. So she's been crying? I wonder why. Oh, well, perhaps she thinks she answered a question or two wrong and won't get seven Outstandings.

But I won't think of her. I'd rather think of my sweetest darling Severus! Oh, and of my dress! I bought such beautiful new dress robes, just for this occasion! Well, I had to, thanks to that Hufflepuff on Hallowe'en. But now, I don't mind he ruined the robes because my new ones are so much prettier! They are of a dark, shimmering emerald green with embroidery in a lighter shade of green. But the embroidery, gorgeous as it is, also has a practical value because it spells out charms against tearing of the cloth and so on – in Indian! My Secret Sister was as green as my robes with envy. Hers are blue, and though they aren't as gorgeous as mine, they are very pretty and suit her.

We're both going to wear elegant hairdos – I haven't decided which one yet – and our most beautiful jewellery. I can't wear my earrings because the blue lapis clashes with my green robes, but my parents sent me grandma Patil's jewels, traditional Indian jewellery, and they look magnificent with my robes! Oh, we'll look splendid! And take the shine out of everybody else!

I'm looking forward to seeing Severus's face when he sees me wearing my new robes! Oh, I'm so looking forward to tonight! It will be wonderful! I know it! This is going to be the happiest day of my life!

Night

Dear Diary,

I hate her! I HATE her!! And him too! I wish they were dead! I wish I was dead! Why, why? It was supposed to be me! ME! Not her!! How could he do this to me? All the time I thought it was me! My life is over. She ruined everything!!!!

And it began so well! My Secret Sister and I looked so good in our dress robes! All the boys were staring! Ron gaped at us, and Seamus almost missed the bank when sitting down. It was very gratifying. I didn't even mind that she looked so good again. I remembered she did the same in our fourth year at the Yule Ball, when she showed up with Krum and stunned everybody because nobody knew she could look so good. She did the same tonight. She had been looking so ill, and then she swept in tonight, wearing dress robes of such deep red they seemed purple and her hair tamed and shimmering and ...

I hate her! I HATE HER!! She had NO RIGHT to look so good, that ... that ... there are no words to describe her! Oh, I could scream when I think of it!

Well, the evening progressed very well. The feast was, as usual, splendid, though it was odd to see McGonagall in the Head Seat, and not Dumbledore. I kept watching the bastard – Snape. He looked tense and moody. I feel ready to burst when I remember thinking that he was nervous about proposing to me! Oh, I wish I could hit him! And her!!

But back to tonight. After the feast was over, the first- through fourth-years went to their common rooms and supposedly to bed, and the fifth- through seventh-years stayed for the party. It was a wonderful party! The music was great, and we danced a lot, which was great fun. I wanted to dance with Severus, but he looked so forbidding that I didn't dare ask.

I noticed that my Secret Sister very often danced with Ron, and that she danced with him only once. It makes me mad to remember that I thought it odd, and weren't they supposed to be an item? But they danced only once, and she didn't seem to mind he danced so often with a girl she would have loved to hex only two years ago!

Oh, I'm so angry! I wish I could hex her!!!

But of course I didn't pay much attention to her, only to that bastard – Severus, of course. I always knew where he was, whether he was brooding in a dark corner or berating fifth-years for drinking mead, which they weren't allowed to. Close to midnight, I saw how he crept out of the Great Hall, and naturally, I followed him.

He left the castle and went down to Lover's Garden – that's a kind of shrubbery halfway down to the lake, and the name of course only exists in the vocabulary of the students. He swept along the paths, blasting bushes apart and deducting House points from all the poor students he caught snogging.

Then he paused, and I thought he was about to go back to the castle, but he went on and to the bank that's hidden in there. I didn't know he knew about it because it's really the most secret spot. And so romantic! With a wonderful view down o the lake!

I wondered why he was going there, but then I thought – and oh, how mad it makes me to think of it – that he knew I was following him (he was a spy after all!) and wanted to guide me there and propose! So I followed him there, but when I came to the last corner, I saw that there was someone there already. I felt disappointed at first, but thought Severus would get rid of them soon, so I hid in the shadow of a bush and stayed.

I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd never seen or heard anything!! It was a horrible, horrible scene! It's still clear in my memory, and I know I'll never forget it! I wish I could Obliviate myself! But all I can do is write it down and hope to forget it.

I was hidden in the bush and waiting for whomever it was to leave, but nothing happened, and so I crept a little closer until I could peer at the bank. My jaw dropped when I saw that the person there was Poudle! She sat on the bank, back rigidly straight, and face turned to the lake. Severus simply stood there and looked at her, and neither moved nor said anything for quite some time. But then he stepped closer and called her, and that's when the nightmare began. I'll never forget it!

'Miss Granger,' he said, and it wasn't in his classroom voice.

She looked up and said coolly, 'Yes, Professor Snape? Is there something I can do for you?'

'I want to talk to you, Miss Granger,' he answered calmly.

She lifted her brows at that, which gave her a very haughty expression. 'Oh? I don't know what you could want to talk about! I think all was said weeks ago.' She turned away.

He stepped a little closer and said, 'You may of course think so, but there are still some things I need to say.' His back was turned to me, so I couldn't see his face, but his voice sent shivers down my back. He sounded so urgent, so pleading!

But she wasn't touched and simply snapped, 'Yes, I think so, and I don't want to hear it!'

He stood still as a statue. Finally, he said, and it sounded as if he fought to say each single word, 'If this is your desire, I shall not bother you again.'

She didn't look at him, and I saw how her hands clenched in her lap. 'Yes, it is!' she said vehemently.

He bowed slightly, said flatly, 'As you wish,' and turned to leave, when suddenly she whirled around and shouted, 'You didn't listen to me, either!'

He stepped closer again and balled his fists. 'I couldn't!'

'You couldn't?! You mean you didn't want to!'

'No, I did not want to hear it, stupid girl, because it would have made everything even worse!' he hissed at her.

'Worse?!' she screamed. She looked ready to hex him. 'So you say it was okay to hurt me? To brush me aside like ... like I didn't matter?'

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. 'No, it wasn't okay, but it was the only thing I could have done, you silly girl!'

'S-silly ...? Oh!'

She started pummelling him with her fists, and in the pale moonlight I could see tears running down her face. He struggled to stop her, and finally managed to get hold of her hands and held them down. 'Use your admirable brain, Hermione!' he snapped impatiently. 'You were my student! What else could I have done? My reputation is not of a kind that would allow me to brush off rumours. I'm still on social probation and –'

'Is that all you care for?' she screeched. 'Your reputation?'

'Silly girl! Think! Reputation is one of the most valuable assets in my profession, and if there was only the tiniest hint of something irregular ... the Board of Governors would have fired me before I could have said "Hogwarts"!'

She glared at him, clearly not convinced, and he growled, 'As it was, I had to listen to a damn impudent scold from the Headmistress on proper behaviour, and when she was finished, I was given a talking-to by a portrait! It may seem a petty reason to you, but it was self-preservation. I'm a Slytherin after all. And no, it wasn't only my reputation I was concerned for, but yours as well. Think, Hermione! What would the wizarding world have said? Remember what that Skeeter woman wrote about you during the tournament! This would have been worse! So, why risk everything when in only a few months' time the obstacle would eradicate itself?'

They were both silent, staring at each other, and the anger on her face faded. 'You could have told me,' she finally said very softly, a little hurt.

'Would you have listened?'

'Of course!'

He shook his head. 'But would you have listened? No, you wouldn't have. Shh,' he interrupted her protest by putting one finger to her lips, and his voice was almost gentle when he continued. 'No, Hermione. You would have listened to my words, but not to my reasons. You would have begun to argue that we could try to keep it secret.'

'Well, we could have!' she protested, and he shook his head again.

'No. You can't keep a secret of that size in a place like Hogwarts. Someone would have found out. And this would only have been another incentive for you.' He paused, and then went on, in a tender voice that quite shocked me, 'You would have argued that you are not ashamed of yourself or your feelings, and you would have gone ahead and tried to brave the world. You would have taken the risk, Gryffindor, and I couldn't allow you do it. For my sake as well as yours.'

She lowered her eyes. 'But why ... when I tried to tell you ... why were you so ... why didn't you let me finish?'

He let go of her wrists and took her hands in his. 'Because I'm only a man, Hermione. I know my limits. Had you said ... what you intended to say ... But you were my student, and a teacher mustn't kiss his student.'

Her eyes flew up to his face, surprised. 'Oh!' She blinked, and frowned. 'But ... why are you here now?'

He bent his head down and whispered, 'It's eight minutes past midnight. Hermione, you are no longer my student.'

She smiled shakily and tilted her head back. 'Is a teacher allowed to kiss a former student?' she asked softly.

His answer was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. 'A man is allowed to kiss his future wife.'

She gasped and pulled back, staring at him with wide eyes.

'W-wife? Severus, do you ...?'

He inclined his head in a nod. 'If you want to have me.'

'You ... you ...!' She was angry and clearly at a loss for words, but then her features softened, and when she smiled up at him and cupped his face in her hands there was a glow in her eyes that couldn't be mistaken. She pulled him down and whispered, 'You had my answer weeks ago, Severus.'

And then she kissed him. Or he kissed her. I don't know. And I don't care. When she threw her arms around his neck and he pulled her close, I could move again after having frozen in shock halfway through the scene, and I turned and ran back to the castle. I don't know if they heard me or not, and I don't care! I simply ran, fled from the horror, back up the stairs to the dorm, and I flung myself onto the bed and cried and screamed, kicking and punching the mattress and pillow, wishing it was her face. Or his! I felt sick and thought I'd throw up, and at the same time I was burning with fury!

Damn, damn, damn! It was supposed to be me! He was supposed to propose to me, not to her!! Why did he do that?? I don't understand it! He loved me! I know he did! I can't have been that wrong all the time! All those moments ... he must have meant me! He must have loved me! I hate her, I hate her! She has stolen him from me! She must have hexed him, or made him drink a love potion, or ...

Oh, I HATE HER!!

And then, after some time, my Secret Sister came dancing into the room and told me ecstatically that Ron had invited her to come to his home during summer, and that she was sure he would propose very soon. Oh, I could have strangled her! Apparently, they've been dating secretly since Valentine's day, but she never told me because she thought I'd be angry with her for forgiving him, and then she went into raptures of how handsome he was, and how funny, and how brave, and so on. I longed to stuff her mouth with my pillow!

Ages later, she suddenly remembered my plans for my beloved and asked me how it went, and then I really threw my pillow at her and screamed and raged and hid in the bathroom.

It's so degrading, so mortifying! Lavender will be engaged before I am! And I look better than her! It's so unfair! Everybody's got a man but me! Lavender has Ron, Phoebe's been dating Jeremy Richards from Ravenclaw for months, Judith has been prattling about some guy, who graduated two years ago and according to her is only waiting for her to leave school before he proposes, and Poudle...

It's not fair!! He doesn't love me, but that furry Hermione Granger! He's going to marry her! Cut out by the Poudle! It's a shame! I hate her! I hate them both! And I'm going to marry the first guy that I'll meet when I leave this bathroom!!

Notes

Five Ways

= a way of laying the runes for fortune-telling