January - March

January – March

January, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Back at Hogwarts. It was a close call for me. After my breakdown in December, my parents were even more unwilling to let me go back. But I managed to convince them with the help of my Secret Sister, who came to visit in January.

I was so happy when I came back two days ago! And then I saw him when we arrived at the castle! He strode up from Hagrid's hut, I suppose, the Enemy at his heels. He looked as if he was close to hexing her. Why can't she just leave him alone? I hate her. And I love him so much! My heart was beating in my throat, and my hands were shaking, and I was breathless when he brushed past me. He touched me! Yes! His hand brushed mine! Oh, what a feeling! Was it deliberate? Oh, if it was ...

Class today was only a repetition, so I could let my mind wander and admire him. He's so dashing! My Secret Sister and I worked out a new plan, though she still doesn't know who the man in question is. I think she believes it's Harry. I will let her believe it, because even though she is my Secret Sister, and I love her dearly, she wouldn't understand me. Severus is not the kind of man I fancied before. But what are looks in comparison to this voice and this grace and ... oh, Severus is just the sexiest man alive!

January, Thursday

Dear Diary,

First essay was due today. It isn't nearly as long as the ones I wrote last year and certainly not as good. On the other hand, I had time to write the ones for Charms and Transfiguration. I dread what he'll say.

Today was also the first day of my new tactics my Secret Sister and I came up with: if I can't impress him with my intelligence, I shall enchant him with my beauty. No man can resist a pretty young witch! And I am pretty. Even the mirror says so.

So, I'm going to improve my looks. Not so much that it gets noticed and sets the tongues wagging, but enough to make a difference. And according to the new tactics, I wore my hair in a different style today. I saw it in a Witch Weekly some time ago, and it's called Sophia's Sophisticated Sphere. It's a beautiful kind of bun, and even if it doesn't look the way it does in the picture, it's still pretty. I certainly look good. And he noticed! I know he did! Yay!

January, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Essay back. Wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Wore the Sphere again today, though I mustn't wear it too often. It will get boring. It's so annoying that we must wear school robes. I got such a pretty new gown for Christmas!

January, Thursday

Dear Diary,

New day, new hairdo. This one is called Transcendental Triangle. I found it in a magazine a sixth-year loaned to me. I wasn't sure about it, but my Secret Sister said it's beautiful. And she was so right! I noticed how Severus kept stealing glances at me throughout class! So, finally, he noticed me! My tactics are already working. Oh, I'm so happy!

January, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Today I wore my usual hairdo, a simple long braid. But together with it, I wore the earrings my parents gave me on my seventeenth birthday. They are very pretty, golden and with small diamonds and lapis lazuli. They make me look older. In addition, I wore a little more make-up than I usually do. I looked splendid! Even my impossible mirror said so! Ah, the looks the boys gave me! And I think I surprised Severus. It was so cute! He looked at me and then looked again as if he couldn't believe what he saw. I simply smiled at him. He grimaced as if he was trying not to smile and didn't look at me again. Do I have him flustered? Progress! Oh my god, I'm so happy!

January, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I tried another braid today with five instead of three strands. My arms hurt after I was done. It looks a bit jumbled, but intriguing. I wore large gold hoops and a small necklace. The boys kept glancing at me. It was such a nice feeling to be so admired! The Enemy cast me a derisive look, but what does she know anyway! And then she got into a discussion with Severus again! It was really boring. They kept arguing, with occasional arguments from Harry or Ron or one of the Slytherins, but most of the class was very much bored. She's such an egoistic, arrogant little snob! Monopolizing my Severus the way she does! I hate her!

January, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Today, I wore a hairdo I created myself during Christmas break. Very pretty! I think he liked it. He couldn't help a small smile when I entered the classroom right in front of the Enemy. I think he appreciated the difference between my sophisticated style and her minimal efforts at looking good. I must remember to be seen close to her more often. Her plain appearance will give me a nice background.

The only thing that saddens me is that my dearest Severus hasn't worn my Christmas present yet. But I know he got it. I asked the elf. Hm, I think I will listen to the grapevine, maybe I can hear something.

January, Thursday

Dear Diary,

The Sphere today, with decent but gorgeous make-up. Plus, I charmed a small embroidery to the collar and hem of my robes. It's still school robes, but now they're a lot more individual.

We got separated into pairs today for practising spells, and I managed to get partnered with the Enemy. It was slightly unpleasant because I got hexed constantly, but on the other hand, it was exhilarating because Severus was watching us for a long time. The expression on his face! Almost soft, and there was such an adorable little smile on his lips!

February, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Slytherin won against Ravenclaw on Saturday. It makes me deliriously happy to see Severus so happy! And he is! He smiled during class! A real, genuine smile. Okay, directed at that Zabini guy – a Slytherin – but he smiled!! I almost fainted!

February, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Another really gorgeous hairdo today: Celeste's Crown. It makes me look like a princess. I wore little pearl earrings and silvery make-up and looked so stunning that Seamus choked on his Pumpkin juice when I sat down opposite him at breakfast. It was very gratifying.

This comforts me a bit, because I don't know how Severus has reacted to my looks. He sprang a mock exam at us – in preparation for the NEWTs, he said – and I was so busy with it that I had no time to watch him. I only had time to look up once, but then he was staring at the Enemy, and his eyes were slightly dazed as if he wasn't really seeing her.

What was a lot more satisfying was that I got finally news via grapevine. Rumour has it he got several Christmas presents from students, but there was one he was extremely pleased about. No one knows what it was, but it came from a witch. He's said to have been heard saying that the witch apparently knew him very well. I think he was talking about my present. Yay! Oh, I knew he would like it! It's such a gorgeous little pendant, and I gave him the matching chain for it, too!

February, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

I wore ribbons in my hair I thought looked very pretty. My Secret Sister said so, too. And I know she wouldn't lie to me, so I ignored Ron's guffawing at the Enemy's remark about circus horses. Her hair looks like the fur of these Muggle dogs, poudles or whatever they are called, only it isn't violet. But equally curly. I don't care what she says, because my sweetest Severus liked my hairdo. He kept watching me the whole class as we practised spells. I had managed again to be partnered with the Poudle – curly fur is the best background for silken strands adorned with ribbons!

February, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Today, I changed the colour of the stitching on my robes to green. I look good in green and it is a Slytherin colour. No practise in class today, but lecture. Very boring, but then I had a lot of time to watch him and listen to his wonderful voice and think about what to write on the Valentine's card. It must be something romantic, of course, and slightly erotic. I am, after all, a grown woman! But it mustn't be too obvious. Hm ...

February, Tuesday (day after St Valentine's Day)

Dear Diary,

My Secret Sister and I spent the whole weekend thinking what to write on our cards. She wouldn't tell me to whom she gave it because I didn't tell her to whom I gave it. I can't even guess! She's dated no one so far this year. But she must be madly in love, from the look in her eyes. I think it's mean that she won't tell me. I'm her best friend!

We sent our cards yesterday morning via house-elf, and I waited the whole day for a reaction. But he only sneered and glowered. It was so depressing. I got five cards, but none from him. Why not? I know he's interested; this would have been the perfect opportunity to let me know! But no. Nothing from him. I was all the more depressed because my Secret Sister apparently got a card from the boy she fancies, and she was ridiculously happy, but still wouldn't tell me who it is. I cried myself to sleep last night and had to use Lavender's Charm again this morning.

Ah, but then came DADA! And there was a reaction! He was astonishingly nice. No snide comments, no insults. He even complimented the Poudle! I saw the comment on her essay about how brilliant her argumentation was and how well done her research and that she had apparently learned to read the right books. He gave her full 100% - and he's never done that before. Even the best Slytherin only got 99%. I got less insults than ever before and a nice comment on how well I used my resources. Oh, I think I got him with my Valentine card! Yay!

February, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I so think I'm making progress! Dearest Severus is nicer than ever. Everybody says so! He isn't so nasty anymore in his comments and gives fewer detentions. Plus, I notice how often he looks at the Gryffindor table during meals. Never anything obvious, but with the close watch I keep on him, I notice.

My friends wonder at this change. Someone even suggested that it's because of a woman, that he's nice because he's happy. They shuddered at it, but I nearly burst with happiness! Oh, dare I write it? I think he's falling in love with me! Oh, Severus ... Love me, and I will make you happy forever!

February, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Oh, oh, yes! Progress! Oh, I'm still all dizzy! Dear Diary, I think he was flirting with me today! There is no other explanation for it. He kept shooting glances in my direction, sometimes with a tiny smile. Yes, yes, yes! I knew it! I was so happy that I even didn't mind that the Poudle's books kept poking me in the back. She had a stack on her desk, and every time I leaned back (and I did that a lot because elegantly leaning back makes my robes stretch over my breasts, which is very sexy, and Dean and Seamus kept ogling me), one of those stupid books poked an edge into my back, usually right between my shoulder blades. This didn't only hurt, but also prevented the right angle for elegantly leaning back. Oh, doesn't matter, he noticed anyway. Yay!

March, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Another practise class today. I didn't partner with the Poudle. It's not necessary anymore; or at least it's not necessary to pair with her every time. So I partnered with my Secret Sister and the Poudle with Neville. If I didn't hate her so much, I could almost pity her. Severus watched them practise like a hawk, and we all know what happens to Neville when Professor Snape watches him!

Poor Neville. He got so nervous, and then one of his hexes went wrong, and knocked the Poudle out, and Severus had to carry her to the hospital wing. Poor Neville; he'll get detention for the rest of the term. Severus was so furious! He was pale with anger and only snapped at us to dare not even breathe until he was back before he carried her to the hospital wing. Poor dear, he takes his responsibilities as teacher so seriously! The accident upset him so much that he didn't even remember to conjure a stretcher, but literally swept her up into his arms and carried her away. I envied her only a little. After all, she'd got hit by Neville's hex. And I'd rather be conscious when Severus carries me.

March, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

A calm class today. Severus paired me with the Poudle again. He said he didn't want to risk her life again. That's very sweet because it means he trusts me to do my hexes correctly, but also very mean towards my Secret Sister because now she has to practise with Neville, and apparently, her life isn't as important as the Poudle's. Besides, it's silly. From all I've heard, the Poudle's been through much worse things during the War! Anyway, Neville didn't hurt my Secret Sister. Maybe because Severus wasn't watching him today but me. Oh yes, he was! He did his usual rounds around the classroom, but most of the time he stood right behind me. I could feel his eyes on me, and it made me a little nervous, and ruined my concentration so that the Poudle managed to hex me even more often than usual. And then she had the nerve to grin at him!

Well, she's been acting very odd lately. She beams at everybody and always looks flushed and radiant. Her hair's become even messier! She lies on her bed for hours and stares into space with a goofy smile on her face. I think she's fallen in love. What a surprise, Missy has emotions like everybody else! I wonder who it is, but I can guess. It's always been so obvious, isn't it? The bitch. I hope he breaks her heart! I'll never forgive her for what she's done to my Secret Sister!

March, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I really, really think that The Attempt will be successful. Oh, yes, I'm winning! I will get him! There was no snide remark on my essay this time and even a mild praise! I really think he's falling in love with me! I'm so happy that not even the sight of darling Severus and the Poudle walking down the corridor together angered me. Apparently, she had intercepted him after class and was now bragging about one thing or other. I admire his patience with her! I have no patience at all where Poudle is concerned! I hate her.

Amazingly, my Secret Sister stopped abusing her verbally. She now only shrugs and says, 'Oh, forget it, sister dear, it's all past and gone' and continues to smile dreamily. Her new love has healed her heart. I'm so happy for her!

March, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

He must love me! There is no other explanation than love for the change in Severus! He's so nice and polite to everybody, even Gryffindors! And just imagine, yesterday, Sarah Webster from Hufflepuff told me during Herbology that her friend Nourah Farradin heard Gwendolene Tregaron tell Laura Cardega that Amy Marsh-Compsey was in the library Saturday afternoon and saw how Severus got a book from the top-shelf for the Poudle and dusted it before he gave it to her!! If I didn't know better, I'd say it's someone else pretending to be Severus, but he was still nasty enough at the beginning of the term, and I saw him change and know what caused it.

It must be love. He even looks different! He isn't as pale as he used to be, and his eyes are warm and more enticing than ever, the way they glint when he smiles. Yes, he smiles often, yesterday morning even during breakfast in the Great Hall! He must have done something about his hair and teeth as well because, Dear Diary, he's really handsome all of a sudden! And everybody noticed and wonders. My darling Severus, I shall keep our sweet secret!

February, Thursday

Dear Diary,

I still continue my tactics. After all, now, that my darling has become so nice, I want to look my best for him! So, today, I changed the colour of my school robes to a very deep blue. It's almost black, and you can see the difference only when you look really closely. But no matter how small the difference in colour, it has an enormous effect on my complexion, and together with my hairdo, the Venus (all hair piled on the head in wild curls with a few strands hanging down), and my pretty earrings I look totally stunning. I couldn't help notice the many sputterings up and down the tables when I entered the Great Hall this morning!

We had another practise class today, and once more I was partnered with the Poudle. We were practising a really difficult Protection Spell. The incantation is Ceilur, which is Gaelic and really hard to pronounce even non-verbally, and the wand movement is a sharp, twist-like motion of the wrist with a flourish. I felt as if I broke my wrist at some point and couldn't for the life of me get the incantation right. My consolation is that, apparently, not even the Poudle managed to get it right because at one point Severus interrupted us and grabbed her wrist to show her how to do it.

He stood next to her and led her hand through the move, lecturing her on how to do it correctly in that voice that sends shivers up and down my spine! I could have stood there forever, listening to him and enjoying her embarrassment at being thus corrected! But, alas, class ended, and we got tons of homework, an essay on the spell and practise of the incantation. Darling Severus hasn't changed so much that he would relent and give less homework.

March, Tuesday

Dear Diary,

We practised the spell and the bloody incantation for the whole weekend and really thought we got it right. But we were disillusioned. Apparently, none of us is able to cast even the easiest spell, and we will all fail our NEWTs horribly. And after thus making us all really, really nervous, Severus introduced us to the next Gaelic spell, an attack similar to Stupefy. I don't understand why we have to learn another spell that works similarly, but is much more difficult and so close to the Easter break, too. Severus ignored our protests and set us working. The incantation is much easier – Benur – but the wand movement will give me nightmares.

And the Poudle got it right! I don't know how she did it, but she just snapped her wand and narrowed her eyes a little and poof! That cow Parkinson fell back against her friend Maundeyville, looking dazed. Severus raised both brows, said, 'It seems, Miss Granger, that your training was not a total waste of time,' and deducted points for attacking a fellow student. Then he set us practising and told the Poudle that since she already proved she could do it, she could make herself useful and mark first-year essays for him. And then he did his rounds and watched us practising, and Poudle sat at his desk, beet red, and hunched over the parchments. Once, I saw her grinning madly. Severus never looked at her, I made sure to observe, but I think he's been awfully favouring her. I hate her!

March, Thursday

Dear Diary,

Last class before the break, and this time it will be even harder to go home. Yes, I will go home, because my parents told me to come. I hate it. I'd rather stay here. Everybody else does! So, today was the last chance for me to see my beloved for the next two weeks. These weeks will be more than horrible, a torture! Oh, it could be so nice if I stayed! But it will be torture instead.

We didn't practise spells today. Severus only pushed us through everything we've done ever since September, 'As a repetition,' he said and preparation for the NEWTs, and then gave us a list of books we'd better read for further preparation and threw us out of his classroom. My dearest was very short-tempered today. This is, I think, the last proof I needed. He hates me going home as much as I do. Of course this cheers me, but makes leaving only harder still. I don't want to go! I want to stay here with Severus! But perhaps I can owl him. Oh, yes, that's a wonderful idea! I shall owl him, anonymously, but of course he'll know who the letters come from! Oh, that's so romantic!!

Now I'm reasonably happy again, and not even the fact that Severus and the Poudle just entered the library together annoys me!

Notes

Ceilur (Old Irish)

= imperative 1st person singular of ceilid = to conceal, to hide

It is really hard to pronounce, since both the c and the l are palatal and the r neutral, which makes it sound like cjeiljurr.

Benur (Old Irish)

= imperative 1st person singular of benaid = to strike

The pronunciation bjenurr is definitely easier.

I must add that the existence of a 1st person imperative in Old Irish has been doubted by some linguists. But in this fic, it does exist. Yay for poetic license!