Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: None of them belong to me. I'll lay claim to that special towel though. ;)

Chapter Seven

Severus sat in his armchair, once again treating himself to a good brood. Reaching for his Firewhisky, he tipped the bottle to find only a few drops remaining.

Fucking marvellous. Can't even get decently pissed. Who's been drinking my bloody booze? I'm sure I didn't... oh, that's right...

Essay marking time then. Nothing like a few pages of pathetic drivel to keep the old boy tucked away and minding his own business.

Severus glared down at his groin, hoping the evening's previous activities had been sufficient to satisfy his errant libido.

Apparently not.

An hour later, he tossed his quill aside and levered himself to his feet. Dammit, trousers weren't invented with erections in mind. Bring back the good old days of real wizards who wore nothing under their robes. I could be as hard as hell and wouldn't be half as uncomfortable. If only I could stop thinking about Granger's tits. They're not even that big, for Merlin's sake!

Determined not to surrender to his baser instincts – yet again – Severus headed for the shower. Shivering under the icy cold water, he nevertheless stayed until there was no sign of defiance from below.

At this rate I'll be the cleanest bloody person in the castle. Or completely waterlogged.

"How are you on this lovely morning, Severus?"

"The same as I am every morning. Ill-tempered, surly, caffeine-deprived..." He watched her play with the sausage on her plate. "Frustrated..." Shite, I didn't mean to say that.

"Frustrated?"

"Bloody students. Essays are terrible." He suddenly found his eggs fascinating.

"Essays. I see." Her smirk was infuriating.

She watched me, dammit. Without my knowledge or consent. She sat there and watched me masturbate, then has the gall to sit there and make inane comments about the weather. She bloody watched me. It shouldn't turn me on, but it does. I wonder if she... come to think of it, she did look a bit flushed. Maybe there's some hope.

Gods, I'd be ecstatic if she just offered to help me dry myself...

"Is your breakfast disagreeing with you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You had a funny look on your face just then. I thought you might have indigestion."

Snape scowled. "I have no problem with my digestion that wouldn't be cured by a little peace and quiet."

"Fine." She sniffed and turned to speak with Pomona Sprout.

No offers forthcoming today then. I'll have to modify my technique.

His students had apparently not improved overnight. Too distracted by fantasies of naked Charms professors assisting him with his post-bath routine to deduct points, Severus ignored the batting eyelashes of the girls and envious glares of the boys.

As the last of the giggles faded down the corridor, Severus looked up from inspecting the samples lined up on his desk to find Rolanda Hooch oozing into the room. Her yellow eyes and predatory grin were alarming enough, but the skin-tight leather catsuit she revealed as she dropped her robes at the door was positively terrifying.

"How can I help you, Rolanda?" He made an excellent show of disregard for her appearance.

"Oh, it's not how you can help me, Severus, dear. It's how I can help you." Draping herself over his desk, Hooch smiled an offer too good to be refused.

Unless one is already hopelessly enraptured with a bushy-haired, less-than-generous-busted, irritating as hell Gryffindor, that is.

"You can assist me best by removing your presence from my desk." Pointedly avoiding any contact with leather clad-toned muscles, he chose a vial at random and held it up to the light.

"You don't know what you're missing. Still, if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

"In the school broom supply cupboard, trying that vibrating spell again?"

To give Rolanda credit, she knew when she was beaten.

By the end of the day, Severus was shattered. His previous night's sleep had been disturbed by vivid dreams, mostly involving topless women berating him for masturbating in public, and his constant unrequited arousal throughout the day had taken its toll. Unbidden, his feet carried him to the chair beside Hermione's at dinner, a fact not unremarked by the young woman's colleagues. Usually Severus Snape could be relied upon to find a seat unsullied by inane chatter from his peers.

Hermione looked up as the chair beside her scraped on the floor. "Oh, hello, Severus." She frowned and whispered, "You look knackered. Whatever have you been up to?"

"You need to ask?"

She grinned. "I suppose last night was pretty intense."

He lowered his voice to match hers. "It wouldn't have been so bad if you'd kept your eyes on the job in hand instead of my cock, Granger."

"Are you still whinging about that? Bloody hell, Snape, a girl's got to take any opportunity she can. It's not like I've been overrun by offers lately."

"Do you seriously expect me to believe that?"

Hermione held up her hand, ticking off names on her fingers. "Ron. Only cared about Quidditch. Lasted six months. I tried, really I did, but he said I was boring in bed. Ernie. He was a little more diplomatic. Sent me flowers and apologised for not trying harder. I was too wrapped up in my final Charms research project at the time to care."

"Is that the only..."

"Oh, no. There was Neville, of course."

"Longbottom? I'm surprised he knows what his cock is for."

"Oh, leave him alone. Neville is sweet. It wasn't his fault we were drunk that night. We'd both just gained our Masteries, and one thing lead to another. I don't remember much about it, but I can tell you waking up naked next to Neville was not on my to-do list."

"So, you left in a hurry?" Severus squirmed in his seat. The thought of waking up naked next to Hermione was very disturbing. In a good way.

"Goodness, no. Once I'd taken a Hangover potion and seen what he'd been hiding under his robes all these years, I decided to make the most of the opportunity. Problem was, the design on his ceiling reminded me of an article I'd read in Potions Weekly. You know the one. Hartington's dead boring three-pager on ivy leaf extract. Then I remembered the advertisement on the last page of the article. I suppose asking him if he'd used Fabian Fellowes' Phallus Fattener really wasn't appropriate at the time."

Severus winced. Even Longbottom didn't deserve that. Although it sounded like the bastard had been blessed with far more than he deserved.

At that moment, Minerva stood to make a few announcements before the food was served. Severus took the opportunity to lean back in his chair and study his companion.

What was that all about? She's never so much as mentioned her sex life before, and suddenly she thinks I need all the details? It's not like she's done much better than I have, and I haven't even started yet.

She must think I'm such a tosser. In more ways than one.

A/N: Written for the 2012 SSHG Exchange on livejournal. As always, kisses and hugs to karelia, who sifts out the stray commas and other errors.