Chapter Five

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a bit of fun.

Chapter Five

Snape's precautionary Disillusionment Charm proved its worth as he silently skirted Argus Filch's suspicious cat at the bottom of the stairs. Filch himself, engrossed in buffing up the decorative knob on the end of the hand rail, failed to notice Mrs Norris's attempts at gaining his attention.

The sight of the entrance to his quarters had never been so welcome, not even in the days of interminable meetings with his ruthless taskmaster. Of course, Dumbledore had never let his meetings run after eleven in the evening; missing his favourite Wizarding Wireless show, Who's Hot and Who's Not? would have been a disaster akin to losing his last bag of lemon drops.

The next morning Severus watched Hermione from the corner of his eye as she conversed over breakfast with Pomona Sprout. He valiantly ignored the faint feeling of disappointment simmering somewhere below his breastbone, preferring to blame the three coffees he had consumed before breakfast. Without so much as a glance in his direction, she finished her meal and left for her classroom.

After leaving most of his breakfast untouched – brooding was far more dramatic if done on an empty stomach – Severus followed her example and retired to the dungeons to inflict his foul mood on his fifth-year classes. He realised his error when a simpering Hufflepuff caught his sleeve and dared to ask if he was feeling unwell. Intelligent man that he was, Severus only removed points from students incurring his displeasure. Who knew what disgraceful ideas those girls – or boys – would have come up with if he had assigned any detentions?

Slamming the door after the last lingering teenager had left the classroom, Severus headed to his private quarters for a little peace and quiet and perhaps a re-read of some of the more interesting mail from the day before. However, a hesitant knock on the door put paid to that notion.

"Come in!" Directing his wand at the door, he unlocked it. Getting up from his chair seemed far too onerous.

Hermione peeked around the door, then sidled in.

"Oh, it's you."

She stood in front of the door with her head bowed for a moment before speaking. "I came to apologise. My comments last night were inappropriate and demeaning. I'm sorry."

Severus's scowl deepened. "I notice you didn't say incorrect."

She shrugged. "I regret the way I spoke to you, Snape. The facts remain unchanged. It's not your fault you weren't genetically favoured, but everything appeared to be in perfect working order from what I saw."

He suppressed a smirk at her blush. "You certainly spent long enough confirming that. Still, I hardly think a woman whose own attributes are far from impressive has grounds to criticise mine."

Her eyes flashed most becomingly as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Your cock seemed to be appreciative enough last night."

In his defence, he couldn't help himself. Baiting her was far too entertaining, and said cock was rapidly getting over its wounded pride. "Well, after a long stretch in the desert, any puddle would be considered an oasis."

Hermione flung her hands up in the air and emitted a screech worthy of a banshee. "Arrghh! You really ARE a wanker, Snape! Can't you accept a bloody apology in the spirit it was given? Honestly!" Whirling on her heel, she slammed the door behind her as she stomped off.

Ten minutes later Severus was still staring at the door in sheer admiration.

Checking the corridor for any observers, Severus quickly let himself into the Prefects' bathroom. His concentration on not being seen from without the bathroom sufficiently distracted him from noticing someone else was within. Someone else clearly as determined to uncover Rita's source as he.

"Oomph!" Hermione picked herself up off the floor. "Do you have to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Knock me over all the time. It's bloody irritating."

"If you insist on bending over in places where I might come upon you unawares, then I suppose I must." Severus's eyebrows crept up towards his hairline. "Do you want me to run into you? Because, as a seduction technique, it's not only perverse, it's not working."

"Oh, don't be so damned ridiculous. You just weren't looking where you were going. What the hell are you doing in here anyway? I could have been in the bath."

"Nothing I haven't seen before. Besides, you didn't lock the door. What are you doing here?" Not bathing obviously. Pity.

"If you must know, I thought I'd try and find out who's been snooping," she whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" he replied in kind.

"Because they might be hiding here somewhere."

He spun and eyed up the empty bath and marble corners of the room, peering under the taps and picking up the pile of towels in the corner. "No. Can't see anyone lurking in the plumbing."

Hermione rolled her eyes and caught his sleeve. Jerking her head towards the door, she dragged him out to the corridor.

"What the hell was that all about?" Severus brushed her hand off his arm, ignoring the pleasant tingle as their skin connected.

"I have an idea." She glanced from side to side. "Come with me; my room's closer."

Once safely in her room, Hermione started pacing before the fireplace. "Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to take a bath."

Severus frowned as he flopped onto the couch. "I had a shower this morning, madam."

She sighed. "I told you not to take it the wrong way. I mean, you need to take another bath in the Prefects' bathroom. And I'll come too, Disillusioned, of course, to watch out for anything suspicious."

"You expect me to take off my clothes and bathe with you in the same room?"

"That's generally how you use a bath, yes."

"I'm not stripping in front of you, woman!"

"It's a little late for modesty, Snape. As you said before, it's nothing I haven't already seen."

"Which doesn't mean I want you ogling me in the bath." His cock, of course, was not the least bit supportive of that statement. He crossed his legs before she noticed.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake. Your body is not that captivating. I promise I'll contain myself at the sight of your nakedness." She paused. "And if nothing happens by the time you've finished, you should continue as you did before."

"I beg your pardon?" She doesn't mean...

"You need to repeat the entire performance, so to speak."

She does. "I am not doing that in front of you, Granger. You'd probably write an essay criticising my technique!"

"Seemed quite effective in the photos I saw. That's if the expression on your face was anything to go by. Oh, get a grip, Snape, it's only a quick wank. I'm sure you've done as much before at various Death Eater parties. I hear they were quite lewd affairs."

Standing and stretching to full loom, Severus counted to ten before replying. "You have been greatly misinformed. Now, if you'll excuse me..." His escape was halted by a bundle of robes and frizzy hair.

"No, don't go. I'm sorry. Again." Hermione steered him back to the couch. "I remember now what you said last night about not putting the theory to the test. Does that mean...?"

Her gentle question was his undoing. He gazed at his hands. "I'm a virgin, Granger. Does that make you happy? Sour old Severus Snape has never bedded a woman. Do you really think they'd be falling over themselves for this?" He pointed to his face.

"But... school... and the revels?"

"I was not exactly noted for my popularity at school, was I? And there were no revels. Meetings with the Dark Lord were dreadfully boring affairs consisting of him spouting off his political agenda and self-proclaimed superiority to anyone who would listen. Which was everyone, of course. Nothing like the odd spot of Crucio to maintain discipline. There were no deviant sexual practices in his presence. At first, because he was too wrapped up in himself, and later when he returned, he didn't have the necessary equipment anyway. He didn't approve of sex, and you can forget all those stories of mass rapes of Muggles and Muggleborns. He would have been horrified at the thought of his minions contaminating themselves in such a way. He preferred physical torture and a slow death for those who displeased him."Take that, Miss Nosy Parker.

She winced. "No private parties?"

"None I attended. Of course, Lucius and the others had their little soirees, but I was too busy kissing the Dark Lord's robes to participate. He saw me as asexual like himself, which is partly why he favoured me and kept me close. Until the snake-faced bastard decided he no longer needed my services, of course." Snape was certain he'd seen her brush a surreptitious tear from her cheek and went for the kill. "Since the war ended, I've chosen to remain here at Hogwarts to continue educating the youth and perhaps, to some extent, atone for my previous misdeeds."

"Surely someone has been interested since then, Snape. You're a hero to most people." She was crying openly now.

"No-one, Granger. Well, not until that damned article was published. Why would I need to dry myself so vigorously if I had a decent sex-life, for fuck's sake? Can't even have a good wank in private!"

"There, there, Severus." Hermione patted his shoulder, her use of his given name not going unnoticed. "One more won't hurt you then, will it?"

Gods, she's like an owl with a piece of bacon. "Oh, all right. Anything to keep you quiet!" He stood to leave.

"Meet you outside the bathroom at nine, then?"

"If we must."

She winked. "I'll look forward to it."

Severus smirked to himself as he closed the door. He hadn't been so entertained since the night Lucius's hair caught on fire and his house-elf threw a carafe of his best elf-made wine over his head to put it out.

A/N: This was written for the 2012 SSHG Exchange. Thanks as always to my beta, karelia.