Draco Malfoy's Advice to? Well, Everybody

Know your place.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, an understanding of where you belong would be it. The importance of this has been passed down from generation to generation on both sides of my family from the time of Salazar Slytherin, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than what I’ve picked up on my own – and which is therefore excellent. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth as long as it’s overshadowed by mine. But trust me, for someone who’s not a Malfoy, you look fabulous.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but keep it to yourself. I certainly don’t want to hear it.

Do one thing every day that scares you. If all else fails, offer to comb Granger’s hair. No, I don’t wish! Down in back, there, Weasley!

Sneer.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with your heart. But know that anyone who is fool enough to let you be reckless with theirs is fair game.

Floss. But don’t let it get out that you’re using a dental treatment invented by Muggles.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. I’m a Malfoy. You’re not. Deal with it.

Remember compliments you receive. Be assured that you deserve them. Remember the insults as well. If they’re any good, you may want to use them yourself, someday.

Keep your old love letters. They’ll make excellent blackmail fodder in a few years.

Stretch. Stretch out until you can reach whatever you’re after.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. In fact, don’t feel guilty about anything. It just gets in your way.

Get plenty of calcium. As a matter of fact, get plenty of everything. If you want it, take it.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Some of us are obligated to continue the family line, for others it’s not that important. And some of you should do us all a favor and take a lifetime vow of celibacy, Granger.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Enjoy using other people’s bodies too.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your Manor. You can always instruct the house elves to applaud.

Read the directions, so you can explain them to your minions.

Do not read the Quibbler. It’s a pack of Muggle-loving lies.

Get to know your parents. Know their weaknesses as well as their strengths. If they have the right attitude, they will be judging yours as well. Be nice to your siblings. It will help to put them off their guard.

Understand that friends come and go, but minions are forever. If they are expendable, never let them know it. People can turn on you for the oddest reasons.

Shop in Knockturn Alley once, but leave before the Aurors spot you. Shop in Hogsmeade once, but leave before you start seeing floating heads.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Mudbloods will get uppity. Politicians will change sides. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, Mudbloods knew their place, politicians were steadfast and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. At least those of proper bloodlines and correct thinking.

Expect to be supported. If you don’t have an inheritance, you’re not doing it right.

Don't mess too much with your hair. Face it, it will never be match for mine.

Be careful whose advice you buy, and be coolly aloof with those who supply it. Advice is a form of control, so if someone’s advice has been invaluable to you, never let them know it.

But trust me on knowing your place.