Rita Skeeter's Advice to Young Journalists

A/N: This one was written with considerable help from Tara Hawksthorne. Also from Dark Beta, but they were all written with her help.

Get a Quick-Quotes Quill.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a Quick-Quotes Quill would be it. The long-term benefits of a Quick-Quotes Quill have been proven by my many articles and exposés in the Daily Prophet. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my long and successful career experience. Attractive blond Rita Skeeter will now impart to the masses a few gems of her many years of wisdom… erm, I will dispense this advice now. (My apologies, my Quick-Quotes Quill got away from me.)

Enjoy the power and beauty of the written word. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of the written word until someone writes something about you that either makes your career or destroys it. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at minor incidents in your life and recall in a way you can't grasp now how easily they could be twisted to make it look as if you had done something heroic – or something despicable. You are not as boring as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to get a scoop by covering Pureblood weddings. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that slam down on you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday like a jar slamming down over a bug.

Do one thing every day that enhances your reputation. Exposing the unorthodox methods of certain Headmasters will do nicely. Yes, Dumbledore, I do mean you. Really, what were you thinking, hiring a half-giant to teach hundreds of young impressionable children?

Sing the praises of the Minister. Nothing ensures you a yearly byline like a bit of well-placed flattery.

Don't be reckless with other people's comments. Always put them in quotes so when the slander suit comes up, they lied, not you.

Floss. Nothing kills a moment of intimate confession faster than bad breath.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Get revenge. In print.

Remember compliments you receive. Twist the insults back on their source.

Keep your old love letters. When you become famous, the knowledge of what they wrote will scare the hell out of your old loves!

Stretch the truth.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. I’ll come up with something that looks good in print.

Get plenty of calcium and be good to your hands; you'll appreciate them when you have to catch a crocodile to make a new handbag.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, find a way to make it sound juicy.

Enjoy your body. Deck it in bright colors. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. Without it, how would you ever carry your Quick-Quotes Quill around?

Dance around the real issues.

Read the directions, and be ready to pounce on anything that isn’t made so clear and simple a two-year-old could understand it. You may be able to make a Safety Hazard article of it.

Read beauty magazines. I’ve found some of my best victims – er, subjects – that way.

Get to know your parents. Your autobiography will sell much better if there’s a feeling of exposé about it. Be nice to your siblings. You don’t want to figure too prominently in their exposés.

Understand that friends come and go. Never be afraid to sacrifice a friendship for a good story.

Live in New York City once, but leave once you’ve learned everything you can about hardball journalism. Live in Northern California once, but leave once you’ve learned everything you can about odd lifestyles and bizarre cults. Travel. There’s always something to learn.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Heroes will have a dark side. Politicians will philander. People like us will make our living exposing the dark side of heroes and the philandering of politicians. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, heroes were perfect, politicians were noble, journalists could get by without muckraking and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. Practice saying that with a straight face.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Sharpen your mind. Sharpen your pencils. Sharpen your claws. It’s all on you.

Don't mess too much with your hair. Once you find a brand of bleach you like, stick to it.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of confession. Listening to it is a way of separating the truth from the lies, wiping off the lies, polishing them up so they shine, and presenting them as truth for more Galleons than they're worth.

But trust me on the Quick-Quotes Quill.