The Truth About Neville

Chapter 71: The Truth About Neville

February 29, 2010

Transcript: River and Wrackspurt Episode # 453

RIVER: Welcome once again, my lovelies, to another installment of our little radio program. And an auspicious day it is, Wrackspurt.

[song plays]

"Interesting choice," Lee mused after listening to the first few stanzas. "The premise being she is extraordinary?"

George smiled – his friend's supposition had been perfectly accurate. A description of Annie as an "average everyday saint psycho super-goddess" was apt, to say the least. Still, an argument was clearly expected. The truth of the matter was that both of them were devoted family men utterly besotted with their wives. They each understood this about themselves as well as each other. And yet, masculine pride still burned brightly within, and each reckoned he owed it to his gender to present a macho face to the world.

"I'm settling for my second choice. You wouldn't let me play 'Supernova,'" he countered.

"I'd like to keep my job, thank you very much," Lee insisted. "And don't flatter yourself by imagining you are the man in question."

"I'll have you know I have frequently been compared to a volcano!" George laughed.

"Only in reference to your penchant for explosive destruction! Not your sexual prowess!" Lee said with a sneer.

"Only because Annie doesn't like to gloat," George taunted his friend.

Suddenly, Lee's focus was distracted from their banter by a familiar face waving at him through the window. "Hey, look, George! It's Neville!" he cried.

George spun around in his seat. "Hey! Longbottom!" he cried in greeting.

Both men waved their old schoolmate into the broadcast booth.

"What brings you to WWN?" George asked, shaking Neville's hand vigorously.

"Ah, I just did a guest spot with Tilden Toots," Neville explained, taking a seat on the stool Lee proffered. "He's a right old fraud, he is!"

All three men laughed.

Neville continued. "I mean, he just told some old dear she could prune a Snarling Henbit... in bloom... by herself. Bloody irresponsible, that is!"

"Nutter!" Lee marveled.

"How old is that codger? He's likely mazed by this point," George suggested.

"But it gets worse! Then he confused a Puffapod with a Bubotuber, for Merlin's sake!" Neville cried.

George whistled in appreciation. "Even I can tell those apart!" he declared to another round of laughter.

"You two doin' your show?" Neville asked superfluously.

"Yeah," Lee replied. "Can you stay a bit?"

"Sure!" Neville replied, pleased to be invited.

Lee held up a finger, warning him to be quiet, then pressed a button.

WRACKSPURT: Next up is a very danceable tune, so buck up your courage and ask the person next to you to cut the rug.

[song plays]

"Fred would have loved this band," Lee offered.

George nodded. "Might be why Annie and I listen to them so much. That, and they're friggin' brilliant."

"No argument here," Neville chimed in, tapping his foot along with the beat. "Hey, whatever happened to the Weird Sisters? I never hear them anymore."

"They broke up about three years ago now, if I'm not mistaken," Lee replied. "The official word was 'creative differences,' but I heard it was a fight over a witch who was playing a few of the band members at the same time, if you get my meaning."

George smirked skeptically, shaking his head, but Neville looked gobsmacked. "Really?" he asked eagerly.

"Rubbish," George insisted. "Have you gotten a good a look at those hairy goons? They should have called themselves the Severus Snape Experience. I personally sent them a case of the full line of Sleekeazy's along with a little note explaining their purpose and use."

"You didn't!" Lee guffawed.

"Poor blokes. They might have felt their artistic voice was misunderstood and underappreciated," Neville chuckled. "Maybe you're the reason they broke up, George."

RIVER: Continuing with the Irish theme, the lovely Dolores O'Riordan graces us with this next crackin' tune.

[song plays]

"You are such a bloody kiss-arse!" Lee exclaimed the moment they were in the clear.

George laughed. "Whatever it takes, mate! I am not above greasin' the wheels, playin' a tune I know she loves. And it's not a bad one, either. Anyway, this one's gonna get me in good. And thank God, because the next one's gonna piss her off to high hell!"

"Then why are you playin' it?" Lee cried, throwing a wadded up piece of scrap parchment at his best friend's head. "Why do you continually hex yourself in the foot?"

George unsuccessfully ducked the missile as Neville laughed. It kept smacking itself into his head like a paper Bludger until George incinerated it, Vanishing the ashes. Then he shrugged, grinning broadly.

Lee shook his head in disgust. "Pathological! You are pathologically stupid. Isn't he, Neville?"

"Doesn't seem like the brightest idea I've ever heard," Neville said thoughtfully, then grinned. "But George always did have his own way of doin' things."

"I'll take that as a compliment, regardless of how you intended it," George grumbled.

RIVER: Might've known you'd find a way to stick U2 in here, Wrackspurt.

[song plays]

"How is this gonna piss her off?" Lee asked, curious. "She loves U2 almost as much as you do!"

"More, actually. But she's got a doxy up her arse about this particular song," George replied with a familiar mischievous grin on his face and devilish chuckle. "The 'big girl' thing drives her up the bloomin' wall, it does. Actually, I half-wish I was home to see the look on her face when she hears it," he added wistfully.

Neville wore a furrowed brow. "Hang on... you know it'll piss her off and likely make your life more difficult, yet you do it anyway? Why?" he asked, sounding genuinely baffled.

"I told you – he's an idiot," Lee retorted.

George shrugged and a flicker of thoughtfulness crossed his face. "It's more fun that way. It's sort of our thing, I reckon."

"You insult and annoy each other? And this turns you on?" Neville cried, laughing.

"Well, now you just make us sound like deviants," George muttered, smirking.

"How's business at the Cauldron?" Lee asked.

"Boomin'," Neville replied. "To look at it, you'd never really realize how the place is an absolute money spinner!"

"I'm glad Hannah knew better than to change it much," George added.

"Well, when a thing works for as many centuries as that old hovel has, it doesn't take a genius to leave well enough alone," Neville responded.

"Glad she updated the menu to reflect more modern tastes, though," Lee commented. "Pea soup is fine and all, but did it always have to ferment for nine days before old Tom would serve it? Blech!"

"The dragon-fired pizza is a nice touch!" George exclaimed with praise. "I like how crispy the crust gets."

RIVER: Ah, this is an interesting choice. And an oldie, too.

[song plays]

"Poor Ron," Neville joined them in their laughter. "How long did he have to wear that horrid blue eyeshadow and sparkly pink lipstick?"

"Wasn't it at least a week?" Lee howled, dabbing his eyes.

"A couple of days, at most," George corrected him. "And if Hermione hadn't thrown that epic wobbly at Mum, it would've lasted a month, I reckon."

"I heard Harry still posts that snap all around the Auror Department every year on Ron's birthday," Neville wheezed.

"It's not Harry that posts it, mate," Lee informed Neville, gazing accusatorially at George. Then he rolled his eyes. "This band is so friggin' queer!" he cried.

"You don't have to be gay to have good taste in music, but it helps," George countered.

Lee cocked his head, surprised at the unexpected edge in George's tone.

Strangely, Neville didn't seem to find it unusual, either. "Speakin' of... Hannah and I went to Padma Patil's and Rose Zeller's commitment ceremony November last."

"They finally made it official?" George asked, sounding keen. "Well done, them!"

Lee attempted to shake off his consternation at his best friend's instant (and seemingly genuine) acceptance of such an... unusual lifestyle. "How was it?" he asked with morbid curiosity.

"Oh, brilliant!" Neville declared. "Hannah knew Rose pretty well from school, of course."

Lee started to snicker and glanced at George, anticipating a good shredding. But the dark warning on George's face stunned him, and the laugh died ignominiously in his throat.

How is he not taking this and running with it? Lee marveled. What the hell has come over George? Could there possibly be a topic so taboo even he would shy away from razzing someone about it? He tried thinking back to other instances when the subject of poufs had come up. Surely it hadn't been Fred cracking all the jokes?

Neville continued with his description of the ceremony, adding, "And it was nice to see Parvati again.... Been ages since we'd spoken."

"H-how is Parvati?" Lee asked, flustered and trying to get his bearings.

"Pretty well, I think," Neville replied. "I heard her parents are having a tough time with Padma's decision to come out. Didn't see them at the wedding... which is a real shame. You couldn't ask for a nicer couple than Padma and Rose, really."

"That is a shame," George agreed, lacing his fingers behind his head and leaning back in his chair, utterly composed yet bafflingly concerned for the women in question. "Love is love, mate. What does it matter who makes you happy?"

Lee struggled to keep his jaw from dropping. He gave George a strange, confused look anyway. Since when did George friggin' Weasley become so progressive and tolerant!? He's a gay-rights activist all the sudden?

Then George turned to him with a look that said, Got a problem with it?

"The wedding was good fun, even so," Neville pressed on, apparently oblivious to the stare-down. "The food was bloody amazing, of course. And then Padma and Rose rode in to the reception on an elephant! My Alice made a pest of herself, I'm afraid, begging for a turn to ride."

RIVER: Lovely. Simply lovely, this next tune. Excellent choice, mate.

[song plays]

"How do you do it, man? Spend your life in that bloody prison?" George chuckled, shaking his head as memories of his time spent homesick and lovesick at Hogwarts bubbled up to the conscious surface as this particular song played.

Neville chuckled in response. "It's not so much of a prison when you're faculty, mate."

"That's a good point!" Lee commented lamely, still recovering his footing from the previous conversation.

"Still, it's so bloody... wretched!" George protested. "The Highlands weather, the drafty old castle... not to mention the hundreds of brats and punks who live to make your life difficult!" he said, laughing.

Neville laughed with him. "Well, it doesn't help that there's a Wheezes branch in Hogsmeade now, that's for sure. And no fair using Peeves for free advertising, you bastard! Bloody hell, George! Have some pity on us, will you? Raise your prices on Dungbombs, at the very least."

"Never," he said with a grin. "And what Peeves does out of the kindness of his own heart...."

"Please!" Lee interrupted. "Peeves? Kindness? Heart!?"

"At least the Weasley twins I have to deal with are a damn sight more civilized than their predecessors. Must be the Muggle blood!" Neville teased.

"Absolutely the mother's influence! No question!" Lee agreed.

"Can't argue there," George concurred. "You know, Bill's oldest daughter will be starting year after next."

"Oh, Merlin!" Neville groaned, wincing. "Thanks for the heads up, George. I'll warn Poppy Pomfrey to stock up on love potion antidotes now."

RIVER: Now this is an interesting selection, mate. There are some very curious turns of phrase in this tune. And some speculate they're not just accidental Muggle fumblings.

[song plays]

"Lighten up a bit, Lee," George scolded his friend. "Not every song lyric is fraught with hidden, insidious meaning. Sometime's a fella's just trying to get with a girl."

Lee smirked and flashed a rude finger gesture in George's direction, unamused.

George ignored him and continued. "It's only coincidence and a universal human habit to search for patterns where sometimes none exist that makes a song speak to one particular situation. To me, this one describes bang-on how I felt about Annie during the war when we had to hide ourselves. Doesn't mean the bloke who wrote it ever had a damn clue about me or her or magic or You-Know-Who. Nor does it mean the same thing to anyone else in this room or the world at large."

"Whatever," Lee grumbled, begrudgingly conceding the truth of George's statement. It still boggled his mind to think of his schoolmate, who had never been serious about anything but pranks and Quidditch, actually risking his life for the sake of romance at the age of eighteen. Then again, there was something different about his and Annie's relationship – no one would argue that point.

Neville nodded thoughtfully as well.

"Back to the subject of excellent weddings," George said in a suddenly lighthearted voice, clearly looking to change the subject. "Luna's turned out to be a riot of fun, as expected, was it not?"

"That girl is somethin'!" Lee agreed, chuckling. "I heard she originally wanted to have it in the Forbidden Forest with the wedding party mounted on thestrals, but McGonagall put her foot down, claiming the centaurs would riot."

"I thought her wedding was very nice," Neville said sincerely.

Lee snickered. "I've never seen so many mad hexes scattered about as there were at her place. And has anyone actually ever seen one of these bloody nargles she's always on about?"

"Just because nobody's seen one doesn't mean they don't exist," Neville countered valiantly. "You know, people used to think the same thing about Lethifolds."

Lee smiled and cocked his head to the side, intrigued. "You know, Neville... I wasn't alone in thinking you'd be the bloke that ended up with Luna. The two of you seemed like such a good match."

Neville shrugged, looking away from Lee's gaze, shifting uncomfortably on the stool.

"Just ignore him, Neville," George suggested, kicking Lee under the table. "He has no sense of proper social boundaries. Fred and I likely fried his brain with all those experimental potions we made him sample."

"No, it's all right, George." Neville hesitated for a few more moments, gathering his thoughts. "Luna.... She's a cracking girl, but... maybe our timing was off?" he replied as if he was thinking aloud.

"How so?" Lee pressed. He grunted slightly as George's foot connected a second time with his shin.

"I think it all boiled down to our being in different places in our lives. When we were together, she told me she wasn't ready for a long-term commitment, wasn't even sure she wanted kids," Neville answered. "And I was ready – for both."

Lee and George glanced at each other, both surprised things had gotten so far between Neville and Luna before they'd split. It was as if they'd expected some off-the-wall, bizarre reason for the break-up, like perhaps nargles had been responsible.

"And now I've got Hannah," Neville said with a soft smile. "Well, she's made me one bloody lucky bloke, and I know it!"

"I never knew her that well in school, to be honest," Lee said.

"You know that her mother was killed by the Death Eaters in ninety-seven, right?" Neville asked.

Both men in his audience nodded solemnly.

"Well, she left then and didn't come back to school. But even so, she did what she could to help out the cause. She'd sneak supplies to Ernie and me – that year Snape was Headmaster – whenever she got the chance and sent us some very useful information once. And don't forget she showed up to fight in the final battle," Neville said.

"I remember," Lee replied.

"She might not look it, but Hannah's one tough biscuit. After what I saw that day... I wouldn't want that birch wand pointing at me in anger!" Neville chuckled, smiling slightly with the memory.

"For a while, we were just old war veterans who got together for a pint and a bit of commiseration every so often. Then, after... after Luna and I split... she was always there for me. Thank Merlin it didn't take me too long to recognize we could make each other happy."

"Well done you, mate," George offered, chucking him on the shoulder.

WRACKSPURT: Now here is definitely one of the greatest bands of all time, children.

[song plays]

"What's with all the sappy love songs today?" Neville asked teasingly. "Certainly not your usual fare."

"Glad to know you're a fan of the show!" George cried. He tossed him a Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes t-shirt from a large carton in the corner. "Consider it a reward for a frequent listener."

"It's Annie's birthday today," Lee explained. "George hijacked the playlist to play her favorites and kiss her arse."

"Really? Oh, excellent! Give Annie my best, will you?" Neville gushed, pulling on his new t-shirt over his long-sleeved oxford.

"Done," George replied with a single nod. "And you've got an anniversary coming up, yes?"

"It'll be our eighth on the twenty-first of March," Neville answered, sounding slightly surprised by the fact.

"Got any big plans?" Lee asked politely.

"Nah," Neville replied ruefully. "We can't really do much of anything during the school year, and she's usually busy at weekends with the Cauldron now."

"Send Alice over to our place and take Hannah out for a nice dinner, at least," George suggested. "She and Janie can have a sleepover, if you like." Neville's daughter and his were the same age and knew each other from Annie's school.

Neville brightened up immediately. "Ah, thanks, mate! That's a great idea! I'll owl you a bit closer to the date, yeah?"

"Sure, sure," George agreed.

"Look, it's been great, guys, but... I'd better run," Neville said as he rose to his feet.

"Good to see you, Neville. Give our love to Hannah and Alice!" Lee said with a wave.

"Take care, Longbottom," George added as the door closed.

Neville waved at them through the window, then walked down the hall. Three seconds later, he walked past the window again, going the opposite – and correct – way toward the building's exit this time.

RIVER: And now, for the finale of the program, we turn to Southern California. I think we've demonstrated we are huge fans of the 'surf' sound here at the program.

[song plays]

George donned his jacket, then draped his traveling cloak over his arm. "That was brilliant – chatting with Neville again. I hardly ever see him."

"Why not? He's practically your neighbor in Devon, not to mention you spend all your time in Hogsmeade now," Lee asked.

George frowned thoughtfully. "You're right. There's no excuse. I should make more of an effort." He was quiet for several more moments as the two of them strolled leisurely down the hallway toward the WWN Floos.

"You know, Neville certainly came into his own during the war," George finally mused aloud. "Meeting him now, you'd never really recognize the complete tosspot he was in school."

Lee snorted in agreement. "And don't forget, he's dated some of the more amazing women we know: Ginny, Luna, Hannah. A professional Quidditch player, a world-renowned magical zoologist, and one of the most successful business women in Britain – every one of them decorated war veterans. And those are just the ones we know about."

Lee suddenly halted in the hallway, standing stock still, nearly clotheslining his best friend and looking at George with amused amazement. "I've only just realized it: Neville Longbottom has way more experience with women than the two of us combined!"

George chuckled. "Who could've imagined it? Neville Longbottom: Legendary Gryffindor Stud!"

Author's Note: This is the last of the "song" chapters, I promise! As per usual, here are the links for the music. Enjoy....

Extraordinary by Liz Phair. And here's the other Liz Phair song George referenced: Supernova. It's the censored version, much to George's disappointment, but one naughty word does creep in.

Between a Man and a Woman by Flogging Molly.

Stars by The Cranberries.

Big Girls Are Best by U2. The video doesn't appear to match the song, but the sound quality is reasonably good.

Close to Me by The Cure.

Summer's End by The Foo Fighters. Really wish I could make a music video for this song starring a teenage George and Annie. Sigh.

Nobody Knows by Live.

Be Mine by REM. This is not exactly the version I was looking for, but it'll do.

Island in the Sun by Weezer.