IX: His Reason to Go On

Thanks go to JKR, for creating the HP universe, and to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

A/N: Those of you who have read The Way Home – The Yule Edition will recognise certain passages in this chapter. I am too fond of that piece to completely ignore it.

Chapter IX: His Reason to Go On

Eydis had been fast asleep in her bed when Severus had returned to the dungeons shortly after midnight. How she had gotten there, he did not know. Maybe Ginny had brought her back to the castle. Or maybe one of the elves had picked her up at the Potters'.

It did not matter.

He had lingered for some moments at the door to the nursery, envying his daughter for her dreams and the peaceful smile on her face. In the little one's dreams Cassandra was still alive, and there was still hope and light in the world.

After having carefully closed the door, Severus had staggered into the master bedroom where he had let himself fall onto the bed. He had been too exhausted to take off his robes and boots. But that had not matter either.

Nothing mattered anymore.

When he awoke in the early hours of Christmas morning, he felt washed-out, and every muscle in his body was aching. Out of sheer habit, he turned to his side and reached out for his beloved wife. But his hands closed around cold air, the bed sheets beside him were empty.

At first, Severus did not understand. His brain was too tired, his mind too tormented to allow him to form any coherent thought. Why was he alone? Where was Cassandra? And why had he slept fully-dressed?

Then it hit him. All the memories of the last twenty-four hours came crushing down on him like a tidal-wave, threatened to drown him, to pull him down into darkness: Cassandra was gone and so was the light of his life.

Severus wanted to scream, wanted to cry and let the tears wash away his pain. But the tears did not come. He could feel them burning in his eyes, felt them form a lump in his throat, but they did not liquefy, did not run down his cheeks. And he wondered if he would ever be able to cry for Cassandra.

Her scent was still there, all around him. It lingered on the pillow that he pressed against his face to stifle his dry sobs and on the blanket he wrapped around himself to drive forth the cold that made him shiver. And when he closed his eyes, he could imagine her sitting close to him, wrapping her arms around him, warming him. But he knew that she was not there, that she would never be there again. And he doubted that the chill would ever leave his bones and soul.

How long he had been sitting on the edge of their bed, tightly wrapped into a blanket that neither provided warmth nor comfort, Severus did not know. Nor did he know how he had managed to gather the strength to drag himself into the shower and back to the bedroom to get dressed. He could feel his body moving, but he did not feel in control of it. It was just carrying out its daily routines, even though all that Severus wanted was to crawl into the darkest corner of the dungeon and just be forgotten.

His focus first returned as his eyes fell upon a Christmas present on the bottom of the wardrobe. It was wrapped into sparkly silver-blue paper, and the memory of Cassandra sitting on the floor in his study, struggling with the wrapping paper, was as clear in front of Severus eyes as if he were looking at the scene right that moment. The package contained a Muggle dollhouse. Cassandra had bought it already in November, knowing that it was their daughter's greatest wish.

Eydis. With a bang Severus realised that their daughter did not know yet. He had neither had the strength nor the heart to wake the little one up last night. And so she was still sleeping peacefully in her bed, blissfully oblivious to the fact that her mother had gone.

How was he going to tell her? What was he going to say?

Silently, he opened the door to the nursery. If Eydis was still asleep, he would not want to wake her. He would let her sleep, would let her dwell in a world where her mother was still alive for just a little while longer.

But Eydis was already sitting up in her bed, talking to her teddy bear. And when she looked up at him, Severus felt his breath catch in his throat, felt once more the endless sadness wrap its cold fingers around his heart. Eydis had her mother's eyes.

Fighting the impulse to look away, Severus approached his daughter. He had still no idea what to say.

'Has Mummy gone away now?'

Her question made Severus freeze in mid-movement. How did the little one know? Who had told her?

'Mummy hugged me very tight yesterday,' Eydis went on, imitating her mother's embrace by clutching her teddy bear towards her chest.

That was when Severus understood that Cassandra had known. She had known that she would never see her daughter again. And he was endlessly relieved that she had had the chance to take farewell.

He picked a dark blue satin dress for Eydis and sat down to braid her unruly hair. It was as red as the sunset over the moss-clad hills of Iceland, and it smelled of honey. And with a sigh Severus remembered that Cassandra's hair had always smelled of honey, too.

Taming Eydis' hair was a difficult task, but the little one neither wriggled nor fidgeted. She let her father work in silence, and when he was done, she turned to wrap her little arms around his neck.

'Thank you, Daddy.'

And Severus hugged her tight while the tears in his eyes burnt hotter than ever before.

~ ~ ~

Severus was not prepared for the scene that greeted him in the Great Hall. To be honest, he had not known what to expect.

He had figured that the staff had been informed of Cassandra's demise. And he had mentally prepared for them shaking his hand and expressing their condolences. But he had certainly not been prepared for the oppressing silence that settled over the Hall as he made his way towards the staff table with Eydis on his arm.

The Ravenclaw banner behind the high table was draped with a black, thin fabric and was the only banner that was still hanging at full height. The other House banners had been lowered, so had the Hogwarts coat of arms. And even the Christmas decorations seemed to sparkle much less than usual.

The handful of students that had remained at Hogwarts for the holidays were seated at one single table in front of the staff table. They had all raised their heads to look at their Potions master as he had entered the Hall, their eyes filled with compassion, some even with tears. And when Severus approached them, some of them lowered their heads, others raised their glasses and toasted silently towards him. A Ravenclaw girl started to sob, and her friend wrapped her arms around her. And Severus strode by, his eyes resolutely on Cassandra's empty chair.

The staff's reaction was similar to the students'. Filius nodded silently towards Severus, Hagrid blew his nose rather noisily, and Poppy sobbed silently into her handkerchief. Minerva's face looked stern, but her reddened eyes showed clearly that she had been crying earlier.

But when Severus sat down at the staff table with his daughter on his knees, Minerva's self-control crumbled. She started sobbing uncontrollably, not caring that there were students present, not caring that anybody saw. For a long time, her sobbing was the only sound to be heard in the Great Hall. And Severus kept his eyes on the plate full of toast in front of him.

'Daddy, why does Aunt Minny cry?'

Severus looked down at his daughter and swallowed dryly. His throat was almost too tight to speak.

'Aunt Minny is sad because your Mummy left, little one.'

The little girl seemed to contemplate his words for some moments and frowned.

'But Mummy never cried,' she stated in a clear voice. 'Mummy always laughed.'

Severus felt the lump in his throat become bigger. Cassandra's laughter had been the first thing he had noticed about her. It had been in a park in Reykjavik. He had been sitting on a bench, reading a book, and Cassandra had been sitting in the grass with a friend. Her laughter had sounded so happy, too genuine to ignore. He had loved it, cherished it. And first now he realised that he would never hear it again. And the thought was almost too much for him to bear.

Panic rose in his chest, made it hard for him to breathe. He knew that he had come to the point where he could not pretend anymore. He knew he would break. But he could not lose control here in the Great Hall. Not in front of his colleagues and students, not in front of Eydis.

His eyes searched for Poppy, and the medi-witch immediately stretched out her arms for Eydis and took her from him. She had understood his plea without him having to say anything. And Severus knew that she would take good care of Eydis until he was able to return.

He left the Great Hall with his robes billowing behind him, never noticing the alarmed looks on his colleagues' face. And had he noticed, he would not have cared. He just had to get away from them.

~ ~ ~

In the sanctuary of his study Severus started pacing: from the door to the bookshelf, from there to the desk and then back to the door, the same route over and over again until his head started spinning and his feet wouldn't carry him no more. Then he grabbed a bottle of Ogden's, poured himself a healthy measure and downed it, never considering effects the alcohol would have on his empty stomach. He barely made it to the bathroom before he started retching.

When his stomach was completely empty and his retching resulted in nothing more than painful spasms, Severus stripped off his robes and stepped into the shower. The warm water made the aching muscles in his neck relax but it didn't do anything to soothe the pain in his heart.

Cassandra's soap was still lying in the soap dish, and Severus picked it up, held it to his nose and inhaled the familiar scent of musk and honey. He remembered a New Year's night many years ago, when he had washed Cassandra's hair, dried her body with a fluffy towel and tender kisses. He had made sweet love to her that night. And it had been the night he had offered his heart to her.

It felt wrong how his body reacted to the memory of their lovemaking. And at the same time, it felt so right. Severus stroked himself with a firm hand, imagined hearing Cassandra's soft voice whisper words of love into his ear, even felt her breath tickle his skin. In his mind she was there, right beside him. With his climax came the tears. His body started shaking with sobs, and Severus sank to his knees in the shower, slamming his fist against the tiles until the skin broke and his blood mixed with the warm water that was running down the drain.

What was the point, he wondered? Why did he still exist? Never again would he hear Cassandra laugh. Never again would he see her smile. And never again would he feel her tender touch. There was no point. He has lost his light. His future was made up of nothing but darkness.

His shaving knife on the edge of the basin looked so tempting. It was sharp. One swift cut and everything would be over. More of his blood – all of it – would go down the drain and with it all of his pain. Yes, that was what he wanted: end it all, drift away.

He had already stretched out his hand when he heard her voice: 'Don't do this, Severus.'

He heard Cassandra's voice as clearly as if she were standing right behind him. And in his desperation he answered her, repeating the words he had whispered the night before, when he had still been cradling her dead body in his arms.

'You have to come back to me, Cassandra. I need you by my side. I cannot do this without you.'

He knew that she was not there. He knew that his over-tired mind was playing tricks on him. But her voice was so soft, provided so much comfort. He wanted to believe that she was there.

'You are strong, Severus,' she whispered. 'And you have friends who will be there for you if only you let them: Minerva, Poppy, the Potters. Let them help you, Severus. Don't push them away.'

'What is the point?' he asked. 'Give me a reason to go on, Cassandra. Just one.'

'The name of your reason is Eydis, Severus. Take care of her. Make her as happy as you have made me.'