VII: Time to Let Go

Thanks go to JKR, for creating Severus Snape, and to my beta Apple Blossom.

Chapter VII: Time to Let Go

'Is Cassandra still not feeling well?' Ginny asked in an anxious tone as Severus – for the fourth time that same week – came to pick up Eydis alone. Usually, he and Cassandra would Floo to the Potter home together, and on Wednesdays and Fridays they would even stay for dinner.

'She is getting better,' he replied with a sigh. 'The fever is going down. And the cough seems to be subsiding as well, if only slowly. But she is still feeling weak.'

Ginny frowned. 'That seems to be one nasty cold she's got there. How long has she been in bed now? Ten days?'

Severus nodded. 'Eleven days, to be precise. Poppy says it is nothing contagious. But I am afraid that Cassandra is not feeling well enough to look after Eydis. Would it be inconvenient for you to take her tomorrow as well? I have to prepare for the NEWT exam.'

'Of course not, Severus,' Ginny replied, almost indignantly. 'You should not even need to ask this question. I'll happily look after Eydis. You know that.'

Yes, he knew. He knew it very well. But he hated to be a burden. And he hated to ask for favours. But there was one more thing he needed to ask of young Mrs. Potter.

'Eydis' birthday is in eight days,' he started. 'And I have no sense whatsoever for cakes or decorations. Would it ...'

'If you are about to ask if it would be inconvenient for me to arrange Eydis' birthday party, then you can save your breath,' Ginny cut him short.

And for a moment, Severus feared that he had indeed been asking for too much. But then he saw a mischievous grin on Ginny's face.

'It would not be inconvenient at all, Severus,' she went on, rolling her eyes at him. 'I'd love to organise the party. And I even insist on having it here. The Hogwarts dungeons are no place for a children's party.'

Then she smiled and pointed to the stairs. 'Eydis is upstairs with the boys. Go get her, Floo back to Hogwarts and tell Cassandra not to worry. I will take care of everything.'

~ ~ ~

'And then James said I could not play because I am a girl. And then Albus hit him with a book. And then I told Albus he was mean. And then ...'

Severus smiled at the flood of words that came from his daughter's mouth. Eydis always had so many things to tell after a day at the Potters'. And she truly seemed to enjoy spending time with the two boys.

'Do you think Albus should not have hit James?' he asked, wondering for a moment if Eydis was still too young to be lectured about the fact that physical violence was never a good way to go.

But Eydis made decision for him. 'No, Albus should not hit James,' she replied in a determined voice. 'James is nice. And I will marry him.'

For a terrifying moment, Severus forgot that his daughter was only three years old and paled. Heavens forbid that she should marry a Potter. Over his dead body! Merlin's pants, over Potter's dead body!

'Daddy, I want to go see Mummy. Can I?'

The longing in Eydis' voice made Severus' mind return to the present, and he sat her down to help her get out off her coat and take off her boots.

'I think Mummy is asleep, little one,' he answered in a quiet tone. 'But we can peek inside the bedroom and see. But you must promise to be very quiet.'

He put a spell on the bedroom door that kept it from creaking and gingerly pushed it open. Cassandra was sitting in the bed, propped up by three big pillows, a stack of papers in her lap and another one on the blanket beside her. The soft candle light made her messy hair look like dancing flames and even gave her cheeks a healthy glow. But Severus knew that in fact she was pale like a ghost.

Cassandra's eyes lit up with a smile when she caught sight of her husband and her daughter, and she held out her arms for Eydis. The little one shot past Severus like a bolt of lightning and was on the bed and in her mother's arms in a matter of seconds.

'Mummy, Mummy, I will marry James Potter,' she exclaimed happily.

Cassandra smiled faintly. 'Have you told Daddy yet?' she asked, looking at Severus with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes that made him believe that she had been the one to set that ridiculous idea in their daughter's head.

'Mummy, will you read me a story?' Eydis asked, obviously already forgetting about her wedding plans.

Severus approached the bed and tousled his daughter's hair before placing a tender kiss on Cassandra's forehead. She was still hot, but her temperature was certainly falling. And the feverish glitter in her eyes had all but disappeared.

'Mummy needs to rest, little one,' he explained.

'No, it's alright,' Cassandra replied, giving him an almost imploring look. 'Mummy can read you a story, little one. Which one would you like to hear?'

'Babbitty Rabbitty, please,' Eydis squealed, already reaching for the book on the nightstand.

Severus took off his boots and positioned himself beside Cassandra, gingerly put his arm around her shoulders and listened to her rough, hoarse voice as she read the tale to Eydis.

This cold should have passed by now, he thought. Her fever was certainly on its way down, but her cough was starting to worry him. No one had ever responded so badly to one of his Coughing Potions. And even Poppy was growing concerned.

Eydis was half asleep by the time Cassandra finished the story, and Severus carried her to the nursery, charmed her clothes off and her nightgown on and carefully tucked her in before kissing her goodnight. Once more, she mumbled something about marrying James Potter. But within a minute, she was fast asleep.

For some moments, Severus lingered by his daughter's bed. She was the spitting image of her mother: her hair just as red, her eyes just as blue and her smile just as adorable. And Severus loved them both more than life itself. And if Eydis in fifteen years' time still wanted to marry James Potter, he would not be the one to say no. He would do anything to make his little angel happy, even accept a Potter as his son-in-law.

When he returned to the master bedroom, Cassandra had taken up working on her papers again.

'You should be resting not grading essays,' he chided her with a soft voice, while reaching for the quill to take if out of her hand. To his surprise, she let go almost immediately.

'I am bored, Severus,' she sighed, letting her head fall back onto the pillows. 'So terribly bored. Lying here the whole day is driving me insane. I hate being sick!'

Severus could relate to that. He too would rather take a triple dose of the most disgusting potion than be laid up.

Once more, he positioned himself beside his wife and laid his arm around her shoulders.

'How are you feeling?'

'I'm fine,' she replied, but the coughing fit that followed belied her immediately.

Severus held on to her and waited until she was breathing normally again before he went on. 'Yes, I can see that you are just peachy, my love.'

It felt good to see her smile at his sarky comment. He had not seen her smile for quite a few days.

'Did Eydis enjoy herself at the Potters' today?' Cassandra inquired.

'Far too much, I would say,' Severus replied in a dry tone. 'As you have heard, she is planning on marrying James Potter.'

'Would you mind?'

To that question, Severus cocked an eyebrow. 'The girl is barely three years old. I do not think there is any need to worry just yet.'

'No, probably not,' Cassandra mused and snuggled up against her husband's chest before she went on. 'I am glad Eydis likes the Potters. And I am very happy that you are warming up to them as well.'

~ ~ ~

Severus sank into his favourite armchair and poured himself a healthy measure of Firewhisky, hoping the alcohol would soothe his nerves.

It had been a horrid afternoon. The whole kitchen and the whole living room at the Potter house had been decorated in pink. There had been pink chairs, pink table clothes and pink napkins. Even the cake had been pink. Ghastly, truly ghastly!

He had been clenching his jaws to fight off the nausea from the minute he had arrived, and by mid-afternoon his jaws had actually started to ache. But not even the sight of Eydis' big, happy smile could have made him relax. And once more, he had found himself hoping that a searing pain in his left forearm would call him to the Dark Lord. Even that would have been better that being trapped in this sugary, pink nightmare.

But Eydis had had a wonderful third birthday and was now sleeping peacefully in her bed. And Cassandra was in the bathroom, getting changed.

The thought of his wife slipping into something more comfortable, as she had put it, gave Severus a tickling feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had very much missed the feeling of her naked skin under his fingers while she had been ill. And the nights he had slept in the second bedroom in order no to disturb the little sleep she was getting had seemed to be the loneliest and coldest nights in his life.

But for the last couple of days, Cassandra had looked much stronger and healthier. And when she had kissed him that morning, Severus had almost melted in her hands. And had Eydis not been next door, waiting to go to her birthday party with her parents, he would have forgotten his good manners and taken Cassandra right there against the bookshelf in his study.

As she closed the bathroom door behind her, Severus couldn't do much more than gasp. The dark fabric of the long, silken nightgown she was wearing clashed violently with the pale skin of her bare arms, her hair seemed to be on fire, and her smile was the happiest and at the same time the most seductive he had ever seen.

He closed the distance between them in a heartbeat, wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, attacking her neck with hungry lips. He heard her moan and felt her press her body closer to his, and he instinctively pushed his hips forward to relieve some of the tension that was building up in his groin. And when his lips found hers, the world around them seemed to disappear.

But then he felt Cassandra stiffen in his arms and wriggle away, and at first he did not understand. But then he heard her gasp for breath.

'I'm sorry,' she panted between coughs and tried to laugh. 'I forgot to breathe.'

And Severus laughed, too, and carefully patted her back as if she had something stuck in her throat.

But the coughing did not stop. In fact, it became worse. And when Severus felt Cassandra's fingers dig into his biceps, he grasped her by her shoulders and to make her look at him. He found her eyes dilated in fear and her lips starting to turn blue.

The next thing he knew, he had scooped her up in his arms and was carrying her to the hospital wing.

~ ~ ~

He felt helpless. So terribly helpless. And he hated the feeling.

As soon as Poppy had managed to force some potion down Cassandra's throat and the coughing had subsided, she had called a Healer from St. Mungo's. And then she had ushered Severus out of the ward, telling him that he would only be in the way.

So now he was pacing the corridor outside the ward, wringing his hands and occasionally hexing one of the decorative suits of armour.

Then the door opened, and the Healer stepped through. 'Professor Snape, a word if you please.'

Severus paled. 'Is Cassandra alright?' he demanded to know.

The Healer nodded. 'For the moment, yes.'

'What do you mean, for the moment?' Severus snarled.

The Healer did not even flinch and remained calm. 'Maybe we should step into Madam Pomfrey's office?' he suggested.

Severus was seething. 'We are not going anywhere,' he snapped. 'I demand to be informed about my wife's condition. And I demand to be informed now.'

The Healer looked at Severus with a calm expression on his face. But his voice was grave enough for Severus to understand that something was severely wrong.

'I'm afraid there is nothing we can do,' he started.

And Severus just stared at the man in front of him without really taking in the words. He heard something about diminished lung capacity, symptoms being made worse by the cold weather. But his mind seemed blank. And nothing made sense.

'Maybe she has two years left, maybe only one,' the Healer went on. 'Or maybe only months. I am very sorry.'

That was when Severus snapped out of it.

He had a sudden impulse to put Crucio on the Healer in front of him. How dared this quack tell him that he was going to lose Cassandra? How dared he let it happen? He was a Healer, by Hades! He was supposed to cure people!

'What do you mean, you are sorry?' Severus bellowed. 'Magical medicine has been practiced for hundreds of years. And by the look of your wrinkled face, you have at least fifty years of experience in the field. Are you seriously trying to tell me that he best you can come up with is that you are sorry?'

His outburst did not help. And neither would hexing the man, Severus knew that. Instead he shoved the Healer out of the way and rushed into the infirmary.

Poppy was nowhere to be seen. She had certainly anticipated Severus' reaction and judged it wise to stay out of his way. Or maybe she wanted to give him and Cassandra some privacy. Whatever her reasons, she was not in the ward.

Before Severus pulled open the curtains around Cassandra's bed, he paused to steady himself. He had to calm down. Cassandra needed him now, and he would be no sort of support or comfort to her if he was in a state.

She looked calm as he approached her bed. And when she saw him, she smiled and reached out her hand.

Her hand was cold. Clammy and so terribly cold. But Severus held on to it, pulled it to his lips and kissed it, trying to warm it with his lips and his love.

'How are you doing?'Cassandra asked, her voice faint but steady.

Severus stared down at her, incredulous. 'How am I doing?' She could not seriously have asked that question. 'Cassandra, I do not consider my wellbeing the most important matter at this point.'

She tightened her grip around his hand, and for a second Severus could have sworn that he saw tears in his wife's eyes.

'It matters to me,' she whispered. 'Right now it matters more than anything else.'

That was when Severus broke. When he heard the sadness in Cassandra's voice and the compassion it held for him, he sank to his knees by her bedside, pressed her hand against his face and cried bitter tears.

This was not fair!

Why now? Why did fate have to rip her away from him now, now that finally everything seemed have fallen into place, now that he finally felt at home?

'Severus, please. Look at me.'

He lifted his eyes to look up at Cassandra, expecting tears on her cheeks as well. But there weren't any. Still, she looked unspeakably sad.

'Please, don't cry for me, Severus,' she begged as she tenderly brushed a strand of hair from his face. 'Please, don't.'

Severus blinked feverishly, still holding on to her hand. Not cry for her? Whatever did she mean?

'I don't want to die, Severus,' she went on. 'I want to grow old with you. And I want to see our daughter grow up, fall in love and have a family of her own. But fate has decided differently. And believe me, whatever wicked deity is responsible for this, I will give them a piece of my mind. But I refuse to spend the time I have left feeling sorry for myself.'

The ghost of a smile flickered over Severus' face as he kissed Cassandra's hand once more. Of course she would not curl up under a blanket and cry. She was too strong for that. And she loved life too much. However much time she had left, she would make sure that every day started and ended with a smile. He knew that very well.

'Poppy wants me to stay here tonight,' Cassandra explained, tenderly brushing away the last tear from Severus' eyelashes. 'Will you stay with me?'

What a question. Of course he would stay. If it were up to him, he would never leave her side.

~ ~ ~

It had been Cassandra's idea to spend some weeks in Iceland during the summer. And Severus had immediately agreed. Firstly, because he had the urge to fulfil any of Cassandra's wishes nowadays. And secondly, because returning to Iceland felt like travelling back in time, to a time where Cassandra's illness did not exist, to a time where the future was still bright. A time where there still was a future.

They didn't talk much about her illness. Cassandra did not want to.

'I am alive today,' she used to say whenever Severus tried to talk to her. 'And I am not going to discuss my death with you.'

He knew she was in denial. And Poppy had said that there was no point in pressuring her. She would talk about it when she was ready.

But still, her defensive attitude disturbed Severus. She might not want to talk about what was to come, but he did. He needed to. For his own sake and for Eydis. But Cassandra was stubborn. And Severus knew that he would have to give her time. The last thing he wanted was to make her sad.

'Do you know what I've always appreciated about the Icelandic weather?' she suddenly asked, and Severus looked up at her from his coffee, cocking his eyebrow.

'Might it be the fact that it only seems to rain horizontally?' he suggested.

Cassandra grinned, and Severus could not help but do the same. He remembered having asked her the very same question the first time they had visited the tiny café in Reykjavik. She had laughed so hard at his irony that she had almost started to cry. It was a happy memory.

Severus' gaze travelled from her face to the window. It was indeed raining horizontally. And there didn't seem to be an end to the downpour either.

Then the tiny bell over the door announced a new customer, and Severus spotted a tall, blond man with happy blue-grey eyes. He was drenched to the bones.

'You would think living here for more than two decades would have taught the man to carry an umbrella with him all the time,' he commented dryly.

'You're the one to talk,' Cassandra retorted jokingly. 'You used a newspaper this morning as well.'

'Give the man a break, Cassy,' came Per's cheerful voice from the door. 'Dear Severus has only lived here for five years. It takes a while to get adapted.'

Cassandra laughed and was almost immediately wrapped up in a bone-crushing hug by her old friend.

'And this must be little Eydis,' Per exclaimed. 'The spitting image of her mother.'

He let go of Cassandra and embraced the little one with the same love he had embraced her mother before. And Severus wondered if anyone except him had noticed that there were tears shining in Cassandra's eyes.

And suddenly he realised why she had come to Iceland to meet her oldest friend. She was finally ready to let go. She had accepted her fate and was ready to say goodbye.