II: Scared? You and Me Both

Thanks go to JKR for creating the HP universe and Apple Blossom for beta reading.

Chapter II: Scared? You and Me Both

The wedding of the Professors Snape and Black was not going to be a big affair. Minerva had been informed, of course. They had to tell her; she was the Headmistress, and with that their employer, after all. But most of all, Minerva was a dear friend to both of them. And she and Filius had happily agreed to be witnesses to the marriage.

The ceremony was to be held in the Headmistress' office. There would be no flowers, no flowing white gown and no little girl scattering rose petals. There would be just the couple, the two witnesses and the registrar from the Ministry. There would be no fancy hocus-pocus, just a simple, small wedding.

The date had been set by Severus: October thirty-first, the night of Halloween. Cassandra had frowned at him when he had announced his decision. She knew very well what that day meant to him: he had taken the Dark Mark on that day; he had lost Lily. It was a dark day for Severus Snape, and still he had chosen that day as his wedding day.

'I need to leave my past behind me,' he had explained. 'Returning to the Wizarding world meant a new start, and I refuse to dwell on my past. And what better day is there to leave everything behind and start anew than the Celtic New Year?'

Then he had taken Cassandra into his arms and held onto her as if he were afraid that she would slip away.

'Besides that, it is your birthday, my love,' he had whispered. 'And it is the day I fell in love with you.'

~ ~ ~

But when the big clock in the Headmistress' office struck six o'clock on Halloween evening, Severus Snape was not there. He was still in the dungeons.

He was wearing his finest black robes, and his hair was framing his face like curtains of black velvet. He would have looked dashing had it not been for his deadly pale face.

He had not slept much the night before. Every time he had closed his eyes, he had felt like falling, like falling into the darkness he had been trying to escape for so many years. And he had seen faces of people he had not seen for over a decade. He had seen his father, the Dark Lord, Lily and Sirius Black. And they had all been laughing at him.

'What are you thinking, Severus Snape?' they had asked. 'Who are you trying to fool? You are tainted by the Dark. You will never be good. And you will infect Cassandra with the dark disease that is running through your veins. You will poison her, destroy her. And the baby.'

Heavens, the baby! He had dreamt of Cassandra presenting their new-born child to him. The child had looked just like him: pale skin, raven-black hair. But it had had red eyes. The eyes of Evil. Voldemort's eyes. And Severus had felt nothing but hatred and disgust.

He had not been able to turn away. He had just stared at the child for what had seemed like hours. And in the corner of his eyes he had seen the ghosts of his past, still laughing at him: 'We warned you, Severus,' they had taunted. 'We warned you that you would destroy even something as innocent and pure as a new-born child. It is the darkness within you that has poisoned your heir.'

And he had screamed. He had screamed until his lungs had hurt. And he had fought the invisible bonds that had made it impossible for him to take his eyes off his child. But he had been unable to. And first when his fist had made contact with the tiny skull had he finally woken up, still screaming.

He had wanted to run to Cassandra then, fall to his knees and beg her to let him go, beg her to give up on him and save herself.

But Minerva had brought Cassandra to the Three Broomsticks the evening before, babbling something about the bride and groom not being allowed to see each other before the wedding because that meant bad luck. Bad luck indeed, Severus thought. Minerva had no idea.

And so he had taken to pace his study instead, wringing his hands and cursing his wretched fate.

Unfortunately, Minerva took her chaperoning duties far too seriously, and Severus had not seen Cassandra all day. And that was why he was still down in the dungeons at six o'clock, all alone and terrified.

He could not go through with this. He must not drag Cassandra and their unborn child into the abyss of his darkness. He had to let them go.

He was leaning against the mantelpiece, staring into the empty fireplace when he heard the door open. But he did not need to look up to know who the visitor was. It could only be Cassandra.

His nostrils felt with the comforting scent of musk and honey as she approached, and he relaxed slightly. And before he knew it, he felt something warm and soft in his hand. It was a pair of dark-green woolly socks.

'What is the meaning of this?' he spat, incredulously staring at the socks in his hand.

'I figured you got cold feet.'

The slightly sarcastic tone in her voice made Severus narrow his eyes.

'I have not cold feet,' he hissed and then turned away. He had not meant to be mean to her. By the gods, he had never meant to.

He shivered as he felt her fingers brush his arm, and her words sent chills down his spine.

'I am scared too, Severus.'

'You have no idea, Cassandra.'

He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. Part of him wanted to throw her out of his study, slam the door in her face and scare her away so she could be safe. And another part wanted to hold her, keep her close and let her chase his shadows away. But he was so scared that keeping her close meant endangering her and the baby.

'No, Severus,' she went on, her voice warm and firm. 'I have no idea. And I never will unless you tell me. Please, Severus. Please talk to me.'

Her plea cut right into his heart, and he sank onto the nearest chair, burying his face in his hands.

'I am scared, Cassandra,' he admitted, surprised how easily the words had come. 'I am terrified that I will hurt you, that I will hurt our child.'

Cassandra sank onto her knees in front of him and took his hands into hers, and Severus could see in her eyes that she wanted him to go on.

'I have done terrible things, Cassandra. And I want nothing more than to believe what everybody is telling me: that I did those things because I had no choice, because there was a war. But what if my soul is too tainted by the Dark to be ever allowed into the Light again? What is if this is me? What if I drag you down into the darkness with me, you and our child?'

'Didn't you once tell me that we have to embrace our past to be able to go on living?' Cassandra asked. 'Your past made you into the man you are today, Severus, the man I fell in love with, the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.'

'Yes,' Severus cut her off. 'You chose. But our child did not choose its father. What if I am a danger to this child, Cassandra?'

'Why would you be, Severus? You are you. You are not a Death Eater anymore. You are not a dark wizard. And most of all, you are not your father.' She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment before she went on. 'Don't you think that I am afraid too, Severus? Don't you think that I am afraid that I will some day make a mistake that will make our child hate me as much as I hated my parents?'

Severus just stared at her. He had truly never thought of this. Why would she be afraid? His dear Cassandra, the woman who had managed to chase his shadows away and bring him home.

'Yes, Severus,' she went on. 'I am scared. I am terrified. But we are not our parents. We are good people. And we will simply have to try our best.'

~ ~ ~

If Severus had thought that he could keep his marriage to Cassandra quiet by having a simple ceremony in the Headmistress' office, he had been sadly mistaken.

He smelled a rat already when they entered the Great Hall. The mood was simply too cheerful for a normal Halloween feast. And when Minerva got up and raised her glass and every person in the hall did the same thing, he just wanted to turn on his heels and stalk out. But it was already too late.

'Dear colleagues, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Slytherins,' Minerva began. 'Let me be the first to introduce to you: Professor and Madam Snape.'

Severus scowled at the applause that erupted and wished he had insisted on having dinner in the dungeons.

'You did not seriously think they would let us keep this quiet, did you?' Cassandra whispered into his ear.

The grin on her face made Severus relax, slightly at least, and he let her take his hand and pull him towards the staff table.

Only when they were seated and everyone had returned to their dinner plates did Severus realise how beautiful his bride looked. He hadn't noticed in the Headmistress' office. He had been too nervous and too busy convincing himself that everything was going to be alright. But now ... She was wearing a long, black robe that also seemed to be blue and green depending on how the light fell on it. Her hair was raging red and spikier than ever. And her eyes were sparkling with a happiness Severus had never seen before.

And for some glorious and peaceful moments, he dared indeed believe that everything was going to be alright.

~ ~ ~

How Filius had managed to get around his wards and sneak into his private chambers to bewitch the ceiling was beyond Severus. Had he been that preoccupied that he had actually forgotten to ward his door?

At first, he had scowled at the starry sky and the full moon and seriously considered dragging Filius down to the dungeons and making him reverse the charm. But sitting in his armchair by the fireplace hours later, Severus didn't mind anymore. He actually enjoyed seeing Cassandra's silhouette in the pale moonlight. She was fast asleep, curled up under the black silk sheets. And Severus could not take his eyes off her.

She was his now, his alone. And she was carrying his child.

Once more, for the umpteenth time that night, Severus' joy mingled with the feeling of sheer panic. And he actually jumped as he felt something brush against his legs.

'Nicodemus, you nuisance,' he hissed. 'How did you get in here?'

The tabby meowed innocently, jumped onto the armrest of the chair and started rubbing its head against Severus' arm.

'How come you are always around when I have something to think about?' Severus whispered, absentmindedly scratching Nicodemus behind its ears. The cat's purring was soothing, and he allowed his thoughts to run freely.

It was too late to run now. Not that he wanted to run, not really. Even if he was scared.

When Cassandra had shown him the way home he had put his soul into her hands, had let her heal his wounds. And without even realising it, he had done the same for her. Their pasts had linked them. And now they would share a future.

He sighed and lifted Nicodemus onto his lap. 'Will you be there for us?' he whispered, quite surprised that he was seeking comfort from a cat.

The tabby purred and Severus allowed himself to smile. Yes, he was more scared than he had ever been before. But this time, he did not have to face his fears alone.