Autumn Blues

- Chapter Nineteen -

AUTUMN BLUES

Soon spreads the dismal shade of mystery over his head.

WILLIAM BLAKE

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Ironically, Narcissa was almost looking forward to going back to school this year. The atmosphere in her parents' house had become tense and depressing; everyone avoided mentioning Andy's name. All of a sudden, there were countless touchy subjects, like weddings in general, new-borns, liaisons of any kind, and regardless what the newspapers were writing about – corrupt employees in the Ministry, homicide or adultery – Cygnus Black would grunt, 'Bet that's been just another of those jumped-up Muggle-borns!'

No, Ted Tonks had done the subject of integration no favour, not in this family anyway. Before all this, Cygnus' attitude had been indifferent on the subject. He had believed that purebloods were better than half-bloods and Muggle-borns, obviously, but he hadn't minded them either. 'We've all been there once,' he had used to say, 'All the great old families were inevitably founded by one Muggle-born – Adam fodiente, quis nobilior, Eva nente'. Well, that mildness was lost for good.

In Hogwarts, Narcissa would be free to do as she pleased, a liberty that she no longer had since Andromeda's downfall. She had to account for every minute of her day, every owl she received; she sometimes even had to show the books she was reading so Cygnus could ascertain that the contents were appropriate for a decent young girl. She had not argued with him about his new strictness – she would never have talked back to him, and it was no use in this case to begin with.

Even her poor mother would be better off after September 1st. She had grown accustomed to not having her daughters around during school time, and with her youngest gone, she could pretend that Andromeda had simply left for school, too. For the first time in six years, Narcissa gladly packed her trunk; for the first time, her heart felt lighter when leaving for King's Cross. There was yet another thing that filled her with something like anticipation, and on the platform, she unobtrusively gazed around to see if she could see Gibbon or Rosier somewhere. They had written to her, but she hadn't been allowed to read their letters – Cygnus had intercepted all her post and burnt it before her eyes if the sender was male, or went by the name 'Tonks'. Not that she was suddenly all fond of the guys, but they had mutual friends, hadn't they, and she was quite curious about them. Not that they had written either.

"Be good," Amandine admonished her for the twentieth time. "And write very often!"

"Naturellement, Maman," she replied with her sweetest smile, kissing her mother on the cheeks.

She embraced her father, too, who grumbled, "Don't amuse yourself too much!"

"I won't, Papa. I'll be the same diligent student that I've always been."

She had spotted Rosier and followed him into his compartment, finding Gibbon there, too. She swiftly explained her postal situation over the summer, and Gibbon murmured, "We've half expected that, after all the gossip. Are you all right now?"

"I am fine, sure."

"Look, what we mainly meant to ask was –"

Evan butted in, "We've got four vacancies to fill, and though the others and I have a list of candidates, we felt we couldn't make a decision without you. Nor the initiation."

The others – a bit more concise, boy! "Well, who've you got then?"

"Luce had a few suggestions in mind –" Narcissa pretended to take excessive interest in her luggage, but Evan didn't elaborate the point. "Mitchell Wilkes, from your own year."

"Oh, please. He's a total moron and a terrible bully, you know that?"

"Rupert Avery from the fifth year," Evan continued casually, completely ignoring her objection. "And Devlin Mulciber, even though he's just a third year. He's a great talent for curses."

"We thought you might want to make a suggestion of your own. We thought you might want some girl to back you up."

"Back me up? Oh, please. But as a matter of fact, I do have a suggestion to make, yes... I can choose whoever I want?"

"Sure!"

"Okay. In that case, I suggest Severus Snape, and before you say something –" She shot Evan a strict glance when he meant to speak up. "He is the most talented student I've ever met, especially for someone his age. And he's got the right sort of spirit for the enterprise."

"But he's – a half-blood, you know?"

"Of course I know, Evan. But does it truly matter?"

"Well – I thought that you would mind in particular, after..."

"After...?" She put a subtle challenge in her voice.

"Well, after that business with Andromeda and her Mudblood lover –"

"Be so kind and refrain from abusing my brother-in-law. However, I could by no means blame poor Severus for my sister's lapse, and he is an exceptional wizard, as you will certainly agree."

Well, they didn't agree at once, but after half an hour of persistence on Narcissa's part, they gave in far enough to order the kid to their compartment for a little interview before the final decision. He showed up, looking intimidated and trying to hold Narcissa's gaze for confirmation. She patted at the seat next to her. "How were your holidays, Severus?"

"Better than expected – my father was hardly there," he muttered insecurely.

"I'm glad to hear it. Listen, there are a couple of things that we would like to know about you. For a start – have you got any inclination to become Prefect? Or Head Boy?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, I know, you're only in your third year, so it might appear a little premature, but still – have you got serious career plans? Concerning Hogwarts, I mean?"

"I haven't really thought about it –"

"Look, this is no trick question. What we basically want to know is – would you be inconsolable not to be made a Prefect in your fifth year?"

"No one would make me a Prefect anyway!"

"True. How do you feel about – well – not playing strictly by the rules?"

"Which rules?"

"Excellent reply," Evan whispered and nodded towards Gibbon, before specifying, "School rules, man."

"Well... I'd say the question is simply what you can get away with, isn't it...?"

"Perfect. He's perfect."

Gibbon raised a hand. "Not so quickly, Rosie. Look, kid, we know that you're good with curses, and also that you've got the right attitude towards those smug Gryffindors, but since you're not in Hufflepuff, we need to know how you think about loyalty."

"Loyalty to your friends," Narcissa clarified with a smile.

The boy blushed. "You mean like yourself? Or Lucius Malfoy?"

Narcissa thought she couldn't smile any more encouragingly. "For example, yes."

"Spit it out, kiddo," Evan drawled and drummed his fingers on the windowpane.

"I'll always be loyal to my friends," he muttered earnestly. "Miss Black – and Mr Malfoy's been very kind to me, too..."

"Very good. Broken the kid in well, Cissa. Being loyal to Miss Black, and Mr Malfoy is an excellent start. I figure you could be very loyal to their friends, too?"

Narcissa inwardly prayed that she didn't let it show how the sheer mention of his name affected her. Could they please delve into that matter further?

But Severus simply answered the question. "I guess so, yes?"

"And do you think you can keep secrets?"

"I think I can answer this with a definite yes."

Narcissa patted his arm and gave him her warmest smile. "To cut a long story short – welcome to the club, Severus."

"Yep, welcome, buddy. First thing you want to learn are the names. Miss Black is simply Cissa, among the seven of us –"

He helplessly looked around. "Seven...?"

"Yes, well, momentarily we're just four, including you. We were seven, before Lucius, Damocles, Bertie and Graham graduated. But you can congratulate yourself for being the first of our newcomers."

So much for that. The other three were called for, and just as delighted as young Severus. Narcissa was satisfied to have introduced her protégé to the guys; they'd do him good as far as his social diffidence was concerned, but she became increasingly disappointed. Why was she hanging out with those – pardon the term – dunderheads, if they did not deign to talk about their formidable friend? Oh, how they had admired him all those years, and now that he had left, they had forgotten all about him or what?!

'Calm down', she told herself, 'what's wrong with you?!' She could easily imagine what had happened. Oh yes. Lucius Malfoy had fancied her for quite some time, she didn't really doubt that. She knew she was good-looking, and all those years, she had been right before his nose, and never given him a chance. That had kindled his interest strongly enough, and he had had his victory when she had agreed to go to the ball with him. Perhaps his infatuation – for it had been nothing more than that, surely – might have lasted a little bit longer, if he hadn't got wind of Andromeda's pregnancy. His pride certainly forbade him to date the sister-in-law of a Muggle-born, and since they no longer saw each other, there was little temptation for a fallback. Quantum oculis, animo tam procul ibit amor! Ph! Who was she to like such a guy? She was worth more than that!

Her resolution was firm, or that's what she believed, for when she noticed one morning that Severus had received a letter in a familiar hand, she could hardly bridle herself. She pretended to drink her coffee, glimpsing over to her neighbour, but Severus was leaning so unfavourably on his elbow, she couldn't read anything, so she asked casually, "Post from your mum?"

"No... Mr – uhm – Lucius has written to me."

"Has he?" She buttered her toast with exaggerated attention, not looking over.

"Yes..."

Obstinate child! "Anything interesting?"

"No... I mean yes – he..." The boy blushed badly. "I find it very interesting, of course!"

"He's not here, Severus. You can be candid." – Be candid, kid!

"No, it is interesting – to me. But you wouldn't care, you see..."

She gave up; Evan had just settled opposite of her and he needn't hear her inquiries. She also ignored the following two letters that arrived in the next six weeks, but on a particularly rainy morning in November – she hardly remembered how sunshine must look, so long the weather had been abysmal – her patience finally cracked. Nobody was sitting near them, and a tad more committed than she approved of, she asked, "How come Lucius is writing to you so regularly?"

He lifted his shoulders and shook his head. "I haven't got the faintest idea."

"Well, what's he writing?!"

"About college... He always inquires about the Quidditch team... And he seemed very pleased when I told him that I had been accepted to the –" He glanced around and dropped his voice to a mere whisper, "The Club..."

"So you're answering him?"

"Of course! It's so kind of him to correspond with me!"

"Stop being so bloody submissive! Why should he not write to you?"

"Because I wasn't a close friend of him or anything. Isn't he writing to you?"

She gave a sarcastic laugh. "To me? I wasn't a close friend of his either!"

He looked puzzled, but it remained unclear if this was due to the statement as such, or the uncommon vigour in her voice. "I – just thought – erm... Well, he surely wanted to be your friend –"

She sneered angrily. "But only as long as none of my sisters got married to a Muggle-born, right?"

"You reckon he minds?" His anyhow sallow face turned a tad whiter yet. "You think he despises me for my father as well?"

"He might well despise your father, Severus. Frankly, what you've related of him is despicable. But there's nothing wrong with you. You are one admirable wizard, never forget that, and not even grand Lucius Malfoy could miss it!"

"It's not my place to disagree with you, but... If you were right – I don't get why he would be bothered with your sister's husband then. You're a marvellous witch, too; your parents are as pure as they could be, and what your sister does or not has little to do with you –"

She made a dismissive gesture and finished the conversation in frustration. If only the writer of the letters had known which effect they had, he would have been vastly happy. No, he hadn't wasted as much as a thought to Andromeda's inadequate marriage; he had thought she was a daft cow anyhow. Neither did it affect his unrivalled esteem for the youngest Miss Black. Yes, young Severus was thoroughly right in saying that Lucius had very much wanted to be her friend, but his respect for her also urged him to accept her refusal to deal with him in any small way. As a matter of fact, his main reason for corresponding with Severus was that he knew that he was Narcissa's pet. Admirable wizard or not, what other reason could he have to write letters to a thirteen-year-old boy, eh? He simply found that this was the only way in which he could be close to Narcissa, as indirect or absurd as it was.

Incidentally, he was as discontent with Severus' discretion as she was. She begrudged the boy's unwillingness to tell her what Lucius had written. Lucius was frustrated because the kid would hardly mention Narcissa in his responses. All right, he had explained how she had introduced him to the Sepulture Septuplet – Lucius hadn't expected anything else. Severus had also mentioned that Narcissa, he and the Gryffindor girl had won a medal for their Potions work. But this was hardly the sort of information that Lucius craved!

This week, he was dating the older sister of one of his fellow students, Tamara. She was blonde and pretty, with a good figure and a sort of natural grace. She wasn't even stupid, and if it hadn't been for Narcissa, he would have assessed her as the most interesting girl he had gone out with so far. Tamara was real girlfriend material, being friendly and funny as well, the sort of girl that one ought to feel very comfortable with. Just that he didn't.

She was blonde, for a start. Blonde didn't do; it reminded him too much of her. Her hair was incomparable, everyone else's must necessarily look inferior, so he'd rather go for dark or red straightaway. Secondly, he had found out that he preferred 'silly' to 'smart', because no witch could rival Narcissa's wit anyway, and he'd rather have no conversation at all than one that made her shine even brighter. At last, Tamara's kindness made him feel guilty. He wasn't in love with her, he would never be, and because she was so nice, she deserved better than that.

After a truly pleasant night with Tamara, he was woken up by the pecking of an owl the next morning delivering a letter from Severus, or 'Savvy' as his new buddies had dubbed him. Among other communications, he described the last stunt that the Septuplet had pulled – under Narcissa's reign. They had secured the entire student body a day off by conjuring some thousands of birds to afflict the castle – thousands of ravens, crows, hawks, sparrows, thrushes, and for some floor confusion, the same numbers of penguins, chicken, turkeys and peacocks. He just loved the idea, and that it had been Narcissa's delighted him even more. He read the letter two more times, searching for something between the lines and not noticing that he was smiling nostalgically.

"What's so funny?" Tamara asked amiably from between the sheets.

"A friend from Hogwarts's written to me..."

"A female friend, judging your grin."

"What? No. No, that's Severus... He's just told me a funny story."

"That's nice. Since we're awake so early, can I lure you back to bed for a little re-enactment of tonight?"

He hesitated and smiled at her. The thought that had been forming in his head for some time now finally prevailed. He couldn't do this. It just wasn't fair. "No, I don't think so... Listen – I think we need to talk."

"So it was a message from some girl, hm?" She chuckled softly. "Your ex or something?"

"No, not an ex. Someone who never was – and never will be – but... This doesn't make any sense, right?"

"Oh, I guess it does. I've noticed all the time that you've been – well, distracted."

"So obvious, eh? Blast it, I need to go out with stupid girls again. You're just too perceptive."

She fumbled for her blouse on the floor. "I am, am I not? I would even go so far and make a stab at who it is that employs your mind so constantly. That photo on your desk, of your little club in school – the only girl there, right? The Black girl? Bellatrix Black's little sister?"

"Too perceptive by far."

"You miss her?"

"Can you miss someone you've never had?"

"Absolutely. I will miss you, and I've never truly had you either. Oh, come on, Lucius. This isn't tragic. We've had a good time, haven't we? And I do believe that you should give it a try with that girl or you'll never know."

"I've given it a thousand tries. She simply doesn't want me. She's been extremely clear on that head."

She buttoned up her blouse and got up. "Now that sounds tragic."

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Adam fodiente... When Adam delved and Eve span, who was then a gentleman? (Thanks to HermioneJeanSnape for telling me the direct translation!!!)

Quantum... Like out of the eyes, love will vanish from the heart.

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I hope you're all having a very Merry Christmas!

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