The Illustrious Richmond Greenleaf

Disclaimer: I reap no financial benefits from the use of JK Rowling's characters.

Enormous thanks to my fantabulous beta team: kittylefish and Persevero.

Chapter 10 – The Illustrious Richmond Greenleaf

Hermione awoke with a leisurely stretch, her eyes flying open when her leg brushed against Severus. Her stomach cartwheeled at the novelty of waking next to him. Though, she thought with a small moue of disappointment, next time I'd rather awaken curled up against him. And why on earth can I feel his hip bone jutting against my shoulders? She took a deep, contented breath and smiled with the fuzzy remembrance that her plan had indeed been successful. She winced as she rolled over to solve the mystery of Severus's sleeping position –perhaps the plan had been too effective. The dull ache in the back of her head shrieked that the Firewhisky might have over-performed as well. 

She examined her sleeping lover and found he was propped up against the headboard with a book spread-eagle across his chest. Goodness, had he slept like that all night? She suppressed a snort. He'd whinged about sleeping on her sofa the last time, and yet he'd spent the night folded in half. She gently plucked the book from his grasp, marked his place, and winced again as she leaned over to place the book on the edge of her curio cabinet.

As delicately as possible, she rolled over again to face Severus, who was smirking smugly at her discomfort. “Good morning to you, too,” she grumbled. “Just see how you fare when you try moving.”

"I believe my rounds keep me a bit fitter than you, dearest." His emphasis on the last word landed it somewhere between insult and endearment.

“Oh, no! Severus, doesn't your first class start in,” she cried, craning her neck to glance at the clock, “twenty minutes?”

“I owled Minerva last night just before I made tea. Are you perchance available to join me on my first ever voluntary day off?”

Hermione's jaw dropped. This was quite the unexpected treat; even on weekends they'd not yet finagled an entire day together. "You, Severus Snape, took the day off from teaching?" she asked with disbelief.

Severus stretched in mock leisure – an effect which failed miserably when he grimaced halfway through. “Of course I took the day off! Why would I want to spoil the first shag I've had in years with a day of teaching? I simply told Minerva that you were poorly and I would be taking the day to tend to you.”

"You didn't," Hermione groaned.

Severus's mouth twitched as he fought his usual smirk. "I told her you seemed to have come down with something during the book club meeting." He flinched as her pillow smacked his chest. "What? You certainly seemed feverish to me." He sniggered.

Hermione retrieved the pillow and promptly buried her head underneath it. Voice muffled, she responded, "I'll never be able to look her in the face again without being embarrassed."

"I'm certain she already suspected we were shagging."

Hermione removed her head quickly from beneath the pillow and glared at Severus. "Why exactly is Minerva McGonagall speculating on our sex life?"

At this, Severus had the good grace to look sheepish. "Well, she may have commented on my improved disposition and guessed at its cause. Not wanting to engage her in a discussion on such a topic, I stalked off rather than try to persuade her otherwise."

Hermione sighed and shook her head before gently easing herself from the bed. Grabbing her wand from the curio cabinet, she Summoned the bathrobe he'd given her the night before – the guest robe. She could never bear such a lurid shade of purple first thing in the morning. Her stomach nearly revolted at the sight of it. "I'm going to start the coffee and then pop in the shower," she said as she tightened the sash.

"Perhaps I could borrow your kitchen to brew a muscle relaxant?" Severus asked as he grunted while struggling to unfurl from his cramped position.

Hermione nodded before ambling towards the kitchen. She had just set the coffee to brewing when Severus hobbled in, looking slightly the worse for wear. She directed him towards the cabinets with her cauldrons and basic ingredients. He can figure out how to hoist the damn cauldron up on the stove himself, she thought as she padded down the hallway to her bedroom.

Hermione stared groggily at the mirror while she brushed her teeth. Fumbling, she grabbed a Headache Potion out of the cabinet and downed it after she spat out her toothpaste. She shuddered. The combination of toothpaste and Headache Potion made toothpaste and orange juice taste like an exotic cocktail. Hermione flicked her wand at the shower, filling the stall with steam. As was her habit prior to stepping in the shower, she removed her wedding ring. She hesitated, holding it in her hand and examining it. Gods, she and Ron had been so young the first day she'd worn it. Too young to afford an engagement ring. Too caught up in their whirlwind of emotions to be bothered. Her index finger traced the edge of the silver band. She smiled wistfully before closing her palm around the ring and walking into the bedroom. Her eyes darted to their bed, and she kissed the ring before placing it in the Turkish puzzle box which served as her jewellery box. She felt immeasurably lighter and at peace when she walked back into bathroom, pulled the door to, and stepped into the shower.

She groaned in relief as the water cascaded over her. Oh, the muscle relaxant would be nice once it was done brewing, but nothing quite compared to a piping hot shower. Mercifully, her building included a neat bit of spellwork to keep a perpetual supply of hot water. She began to lather her rat's nest of hair and sighed. She hoped Severus hadn't thought her angry with him when she left the bed. Granted, she wasn't exactly pleased her former Head of House had speculative knowledge of her love life, but she supposed she'd survived far more embarrassing and public scrutiny over the course of her life.

Besides, it's not as if people won't eventually assume we're shagging anyway, especially if we move in together or—. She shoved her head back under the spray, quickly back-pedalling to avoid that train of thought. She'd only just grown accustomed to the thought of having lost one husband. Her brain stuttered at merely considering the idea of taking on another one.

She grinned as she heard the door open and rushed to rinse the last of the suds from her hair. Brilliant! He finished the potion quickly and decided to join me. Loofah in hand, she was still waiting expectantly minutes later. She shoved open the curtain to be met with the plaintive meow of her familiar. Grumpily, she hurried through the rest of her ablutions; there would be no peace until she filled the kneazle's dish.

"Merlin, I feel so much better now," she exclaimed as she shuffled back into the kitchen.

Severus paused his cauldron scrubbing to gesture towards a vial of completed muscle relaxant.

Hermione downed it in one gulp and embraced Severus as he continued to wash. "Ah, that didn't even taste like rubbish. I think I might keep you around," she teased. 

Not discouraged by the grunt she received in response, she continued, "Go on and shower. I'll finish this up and start breakfast. Oh, there are extra toothbrushes in the top right drawer."

Severus replied with quirked eyebrow, “Keeping a steady supply for all your lovers?”

“Hardly. I am the daughter of dentists, you know. I had to spell the box of floss so it was bottomless.”

She resisted the urge to chuck the sponge at Severus's backside as he left the room. She finished scrubbing the cauldron and set it on the counter to dry. Rummaging in the fridge, she managed to find the makings of a decent omelette and began chopping tomatoes and onions. Prep work completed, she sipped her coffee and listened for the shower to shut off, thinking about the naked man it contained. Caught in her reverie, she very nearly missed hearing the water stop. She'd just flipped the omelette when Severus lumbered back into the kitchen, grabbed his coffee cup, and refilled it.

"Thank gods. I feel vaguely human again," he said as he leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. "Might I lend a hand with anything?"

"Just grab the juice from the fridge if you'd like any and have a seat," she replied, loading the omelettes onto plates and collecting the toast before joining Severus at the table.

Several moments passed in relative silence as they ate. Having polished off half her plate, Hermione asked, "So, first shag in years, eh?"

Severus choked on his orange juice.

Once he'd cleared his windpipe, she continued, "Who was your last?"

Still coughing intermittently, Severus grumbled, "Just dive right in, will you? Yes, this seems like perfect breakfast conversation."

Grinning, Hermione replied, "Oooh, you've brought the sarcasm out to play this morning. I seem to have hit a nerve."

Severus scowled at her and stuffed a large bite of omelette into his mouth.

"So, who was it?" she persisted.

"I can hardly see how it's relevant or, for that matter, any of your business." He snatched another piece of toast.

"Goodness, you're being rather tight-lipped. It wasn't—" Her face paled.

Severus glared at her, his cutlery clanking as he set it on his plate. "It wasn't who? I'll be quite amused to see who you think it was."

"Well, I only say this because it's the only possible explanation I can imagine for you being so reluctant to admit it." Hermione hesitated.

"Stop prevaricating. Who?" he demanded.

"Me stop prevaricating? Fine. Did you have to pay for the shag?" she blurted.

Severus clutched his sides in laughter. "No! I'd never so much as think of touching a Knockturn Alley whore. There aren't Prophylactic Charms strong enough for me to disrobe in the vicinity!" He shuddered at the thought. "No, it was Aurora Sinistra.” At her expression, he continued, “See! I rather thought you wouldn't want to know."

"But you still work with her. Isn't that awkward?"

"Hermione, we had a physical relationship only. I broke it off ... the year I taught Defence. She actually began seeing Aberforth shortly before the Final Battle."

"You had a relationship that was purely physical?" she asked with not a small amount of discomfort.

Severus laughed again. "Well, yes. And it's a fair step up from a moment ago when you thought I frequented prostitutes!"

"Fair enough." Hermione still looked a bit troubled at the idea. "I don't think I could shag someone without being emotionally involved."

"Hermione, with my role as a spy, I couldn't have maintained an emotional relationship. Look, this was a good part of why I wanted to wait before we went to bed."

"I can accept it. I just don't like the idea of having to share you in any way. I mean, I suppose I'm not. She's moved on, and the two of you were never really attached." She was still frowning, but her features had recovered from their initial shock.

Severus shook his head, smiling. At Hermione's questioning look, he explained, "I believe you're jealous. I rather think I like it."

Hermione rolled her eyes before returning to her breakfast. Severus smirked and picked up his fork. They finished in comfortable silence.

Severus reached across the table and grasped Hermione's hand, rubbing his thumb over her ring finger. "Was this intentional?"

"It was." She smiled a bit despondently.

"You needn't take it off on my account if you're not ready," Severus offered reluctantly.

"Severus, I've probably been ready for longer than I wanted to admit. There will always be things that remind me of Ron. I don't need to wear a constant reminder of him."

"You're certain? It won't bother me if you want to wear it a bit longer."

"Yes, I'm quite certain, but thank you." She squeezed his hand. With breakfast complete, Hermione collected the dishes and carried them to the sink. She was elbow-deep in soapy water when she felt Severus's hands on her hips.

"I do not intend to spend my much coveted day off watching you wash dishes the Muggle way."

"Have something else in mind, did you?" she asked, leaning back into his embrace.

Severus's right hand wound its way inside her bathrobe. His thumb made several light passes across her nipple before he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger. She whimpered as his other arm clutched her tightly and he pressed his body against her. He was already half-hard and quickly rising to full attention. She looked down to see her hands clutching the edge of the sink. Trying to turn to face Severus, she found he held her firmly in place.

"No, you tormented me quite thoroughly last night, and I believe this is my chance to repay the kindness," he murmured as his right hand continued toying with her nipple while his left slowly brushed across the top of her mound. "No knickers? How very naughty."

She gasped as his fingers ghosted across her labia and skittered down her thigh.

His hand firmly kneaded and stroked her thigh. "Now, let's talk about the suspender belt you were wearing last night. Is it a regular feature? Or does it only come out to play on special occasions?"

"I wear it," she faltered as his hand journeyed upwards again, "only on special occasions."

"Then we shall have to address that. I want to see it quite often," he mumbled as his hand returned to caressing her thigh.

Hermione smirked and replied, "Oh, I think you'll like its friends, too."

"What? Friends?" Severus blustered.

"Many delights await you in my lingerie drawer."

Severus chuckled, sending puffs of air across her neck. He nudged her legs farther apart and slid his finger between her folds. She heard his sharp intake of breath at discovering how excited she had become. He removed his hand from her left breast, and she whined at the loss of contact. Her right breast eagerly responded when he shifted his attentions. He avoided her nipple, teasing the edge of her areola, which crinkled in response. Gods, she wanted more. These half-touches were driving her mad. She shimmied against his hand, trying to direct his fingers to where she needed them.

For a moment, she thought he was going to relent and touch her. But his clever fingers insisted on skirting around her clit. It swelled in fury in response. She whimpered again, which earned another chuckle. Severus continued circling her clit, refusing to give the slightest relief to the now painful ache.

"Gods, Severus. Please. No more teasing," she begged.

"And why should I stop?"

"You teased me for months! I wasn't teasing you last night; I was pushing you over the edge," she argued.

"Hmmm. Perhaps I should be thanking you instead. Yet, you never told me there was an entire drawer of lingerie to be explored," Severus complained before circling her clit one last time.

Finally, he grasped her poor, neglected clit between two fingers – which two she wasn't certain and bloody well didn't care. He gently tugged once, and her vision narrowed to the farmhouse-style tap in front of her. He plucked it again, and her legs began to wobble. She shifted her weight so she leaned on the sink. He established a rhythm, alternating between sharps pulls on her clit and soothing upward strokes. Fuck! She could feel his cock pressing against her while he steadily jerked off her clit. He quickened the pace, and soon she was bucking against him. Her orgasm burned through her. Without anything filling her, the direct pressure on her clit scorched. Her body, moving of its own volition, tried to twist away from Severus's hand.

He held her firm and continued stroking her, determined to wring out the very last of her orgasm. It raced through her until she begged, “Please, stop!”

Seemingly determined to control the pace of their encounter, Severus continued to stroke her clit as she twitched against him. She shuddered in relief when she finally felt his movements slow. Her erratic pulse showed signs of returning to normal. Her limbs began answering requests from her central nervous system. At last she relaxed, slumping against the sink with great heaving sobs of breath escaping her.

Finally, his arms loosened, and she was free to turn and face him. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a heated kiss. "Where on earth did you learn a trick like that?" she asked. "Or don’t I want to know?"

"You're not the only one who can learn things from books, Hermione," Severus answered with a wry grin.

At the word 'books', Hermione's ears perked. "Oh, really? Well, I'm quite fascinated to know what else your books have taught you. Perhaps there's something for me to learn, too."

"Perhaps we can organise an exchange – lingerie for books."

"You want to wear my lingerie?" she asked cheekily.

Severus swatted her bum. "Wench, I'll teach you to twist my words."

Hermione ducked out of his arms and ran to the living room, glancing back to make sure he was following her. He was following, shedding his bathrobe along the way. He tackled her just as she made it to the bed. She landed on her back and was immediately caged by Severus's body. He kissed her hungrily and then angled his hips so that his cock brushed against her. She clutched his hips with her hands and demanded, "No more bloody teasing."

He relented and quickly thrust inside her. She relished the sensation of his cock filling her, satisfying the emptiness that had racked her earlier. That first, intense, exhausting orgasm had wrung any lingering reserve from her. Gods, she wasn't normally quite so vocal, but her swollen, aching G-spot had her climbing the walls. It demanded attention. “Now! Faster!” she heard herself begging Severus and marvelled at the desperate, pleading tone in her voice.

He brought her legs to his shoulders and began driving into her with forceful, steady strokes, his cock nudging her G-spot every time. Tears trickled from her eyes at the pleasure, and Severus stopped suddenly. "Are you okay? Have I hurt you?"

"No. Feels so good," she whimpered.

She watched a brief, but proud, grin flash across Severus's face before he quickened his pace. Gods, she was close. Her orgasm hung just out of reach. She struggled to fit her hand between their bodies. Finally, she was able to brush her index finger against her clit. At last, the tense coil that had been building inside her tightened, tightened, and snapped. The orgasm rushed towards her and washed over her, leaving her nearly oblivious to Severus's continued movements. When she next opened her eyes, Severus had collapsed on top of her, resting his head upon her chest. She lazily moved her hand through his hair.

He raised his head and smiled feebly at her before lifting himself up and flopping on his back next to her, panting. "Gods, I think I need to start brewing Invigoration Draughts again."

Hermione groaned. "Make it a double."

"Bossy pants. 'Harder! Faster! Brew me a potion!' I'm not going to get a moment's peace with you, am I?" Severus propped himself up on one elbow and gazed at her fondly.

"I don't recall you complaining, dear." She smiled.

"Mmm," Severus responded and leaned over to kiss her again. He leaned back and stared at her, absently running his hand down her ribs to her hip. His brow furrowed pensively, and his fingers cradled her head while he rubbed her scalp. "Why did you save my life in the Shrieking Shack, Hermione?"

"How could I not?" she asked, confused.

"But Potter hadn't seen my memories yet. You didn't know my true role."

"Severus, I'd had suspicions before, but your behaviour in the Shack made it fairly clear where your loyalties lay."

"Well, if you felt that strongly, why didn't you visit me at St Mungo's?"

Hermione sat up abruptly. "Severus, I DID visit you in St Mungo's."

Severus's face contorted in disbelief. "You did? Why don't I remember? How many times did you visit?"

"Just once."

"That put off by me, were you?" Severus needled.

Hermione glared at him. "Severus, you asked me not to return."

"Well, it's not like you to give up so easily. You're usually quite persistent." He noticed the pained expression that crossed her face. "Oh, bugger. What exactly did I say to you?"

"Severus, it doesn't matter. You don't remember me being there, and I can scarcely recall what you said."

"I hardly believe that. I can see your lower lip starting to quiver. What did I say?"

Tears hovered on her lashes. "You said that if I didn't remove myself from your hospital room immediately, you would see to it that I never had the privilege of sitting my N.E.W.T.s."

"Well, that sounds rather tame compared to my usual insults, though I can see that particular threat being quite effective in your case," he considered. "Shit, there was more, wasn't there?"

Hermione nodded, clearly trying to maintain her composure. "Look, I'd really rather not say the rest out loud. You were rather cruel, and it convinced me not to return."

He glanced at Hermione nervously. "Come here." He opened his arms, hugging Hermione tightly after she shuffled into his embrace. "Whatever it was I said, I'm terribly sorry. I'd love to blame it on the pain and potions, but I suspect I'd have been just as surly without the snakebite." 

She sniffled a bit and clutched him in return.

"I'd never hurt you on purpose, love." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and held her until they fell asleep.

Tuesday night found Hermione and Severus walking down Diagon Alley with an extra spring in their steps. Severus held the door as they sauntered into Flourish and Blotts, several minutes early for once. Hermione practically levitated as she walked towards the meeting room.

They had just settled into their seats when Matilda Broomshanks loomed over Severus like a storm cloud. She flicked her wand angrily, casting a Privacy Charm.

“Your behaviour throughout the duration of this club has been absolutely abominable. You repeatedly hoodwinked me into releasing you early from the meetings. You encouraged club members to malign this wonderful book. Last week was the final straw. You should have had no reason to cast a Distraction Charm in the midst of our meeting. I don't wish to imagine what shenanigans you were up to. I would expect better behaviour from any witch or wizard, but the two of you should be particularly ashamed of yourselves. The entire wizarding world looks up to you.”

Severus watched Hermione with amusement throughout Broomshanks's tirade. First, her lower lip had disappeared completely into her mouth. Her face turned a deeper shade of red with each sentence. At the word 'shenanigans', her upper lip disappeared, too.

Matilda Broomshanks paused to allow her lecture sink in. She zeroed in for the kill and continued, “I've met with the other managers of Flourish and Blotts, and I'm quite pleased to announce that you are forthwith banned from all future Flourish and Blotts book clubs.”

Severus glanced nervously at Hermione. Her lips had resurfaced when her jaw dropped. She seemed primed to argue with Broomshanks, and he feared they were about to miss a golden opportunity. He grasped Hermione's hand, hoping to signal that she should follow his lead.

He asked solemnly, “Ms Broomshanks, are we banned from Flourish and Blotts entirely or just its book clubs?”

Matilda scowled. “Regrettably, the other managers felt your steady patronage over the years merited limiting the ban solely to the book club programme.”

“Thank you, Ms Broomshanks. I believe I can safely speak for Hermione when I offer our utmost thanks. I certainly will sleep better knowing that I'm safe from the clutches of the Flourish and Blotts book club.”

Matilda stamped her foot in frustration. “I cannot believe your nerve. This book club has received accolades from both The Daily Prophet and Witch Weekly, and just last week the European Wizarding Book Publishing Forum awarded Flourish and Blotts its highest honours for our innovation. In my day, a witch or wizard would have been proud to have taken part in such a ground-breaking club.”

“Yes, well, in my day, witches and wizards who cast binding agreements without the express consent of the recipients were given a Dementor's Kiss.”

Matilda's face, which had been screwed up in her fit of rage, contorted with horror at Severus's statement. “I beg your pardon, I have an author to be attending.” She cancelled the Privacy Charm and scuttled off to a curtained area at the front of the room.

Severus sat back smugly in his chair. Honestly, he found it hard to believe no one had objected to the invasive nature of the Compulsion Charms. Perhaps all of the other club members had been willing participants from the start. He'd contemplated bringing the charms to the attention of some acquaintances in the Auror department, but he had checked himself after realising he'd have to admit his participation, reluctant though it may have been, in the damned club. No, there weren't enough galleons in Gringotts to persuade him to publicise his participation in this farce. He glanced at Hermione and was taken aback to see her hunched over, shoulders shaking and hair obscuring her face.

“Bloody hell, you're not upset at being banned, are you?”

“No!” she exclaimed, shaking her head.

"You're not mad that I spoke for you, are you?" Severus asked hesitantly.

"Well, normally I might have been. In this case, I doubt I'd have managed to string two words together without laughing," she replied, wiping tears from her eyes. “Oh, that was too much. I will admit, though, it is a bit embarrassing to be banned from a bookshop in any capacity. It's almost as bad as being thrown out by Madam Pince for muttering to myself during O.W.L. revision. Oh, you were brilliant. I'd have argued with her just on principle.” She paused to catch her breath and began giggling again. “Shenanigans.”

“I'm so glad I could be of service,” Severus replied. He chuckled. “You missed seeing her face when I accused her of capital crimes.”

At that moment, Matilda stepped out from behind the curtain to introduce the author, preventing Hermione from responding. Oddly, for a crowd with such mixed reactions to the text, the excitement in the room was palpable. At seeing Broomshanks, the crowd gradually quieted.

"Richmond Greenleaf, the illustrious author of The Witches of Gilford, has a long history of publishing wildly successful books. For his first foray into fiction, Richmond adopted his pseudonym in order to publish with a degree of anonymity. His other books have been either nonfiction, instructional texts, or autobiographical works and include such best-sellers as Gadding with Ghouls, Voyages with Vampires, and the Witch Weekly Best-Seller of 1993, Magical Me.

“Oh, fucking hell. Not him!” Hermione cried in a whisper before burying her face in her hands.

Severus looked at Hermione with bewilderment. Who on earth could be that bad? He supposed he wasn't exactly familiar with any wildly successful books nor, for that matter, any books published in the last thirty years. His tastes tended to lean more towards obscure works from the twelfth through seventeenth centuries. Severus returned his gaze to the front of the room in time to see the author peek from behind the curtain. "Nimue's knobbly knees. I thought that dimwit was locked away in St Mungo's."

Hermione replied with muffled voice, "Apparently not."

Oblivious to her miscreants' discomfort, Matilda Broomshanks continued her introduction. "On behalf of Flourish and Blotts, I am proud to present author Gilderoy Lockhart."

The room erupted with thunderous applause. Severus and Hermione cringed before slumping down into their seats.

"Thank you, thank you," Gilderoy began, gesturing for the crowd to settle down. "The lovely Ms Broomshanks here tells me that your group has had an absolutely delightful time exploring the idyllic little village of Gilford. I must say I was quite honoured when Ms Broomshanks and the proprietors of Flourish and Blotts selected my work of fiction as the book of choice for their first foray into the world of book clubs. This book is so dear to my heart, and it inspires me to know that my humble words have enriched the lives of so many."

"Humble words," Severus snorted quietly to Hermione. "That man wouldn't recognise humble if it strode up, dropped its pants, and waggled its naughty bits in his face."

"How very clever of you to make 'humble' gender neutral when you personify it."

"Well, I never was quite certain where Gilderoy's preferences lay. He'd flirt and fawn at anything with a pulse."

Hermione stifled a laugh. "Stop it. You're going to get us into more trouble."

"Hermione, we've already succeeded in earning banishment. Aside from a well-placed hex, there's nothing more they can do to us, and I highly doubt Broomshanks would want to be known for hexing two exalted war heroes. Now, I suggest we sit back and enjoy the spectacle."

Noticing her look of pique, he rolled his eyes. "Muffliato."

Gilderoy rambled on a good ten minutes, oblivious to the titters and snorts that had emanated from the back row. Ending his lengthy introduction, he said, "Well, now that you all know a bit about my background, I thought I might open the floor to your questions."

"Oh, Mr Lockhart. My name is Delphinia Appleblossom. As a child, I spent many years in a village just like Gilford, and I just think you've captured it brilliantly. There was a fountain in the village that was just like the one you described in Gilford. One of our town buildings was once overrun by Jarveys too! Granted, it was the local primary school. Oh, I think the wee ones' ears were bleeding after the headmistress finished administering Ear Scrubbing Charms! This book was like a journey back to my childhood! Why, every moment I was reading, I expected my mum to pop up asking you for help! She always was so busy raising the five of us, and I certainly think she could have benefited from so many of the solutions Nigel Reese used in the book. Once, she had a horrible infestation of gnomes in her show garden just like Amelia Darling did in the book! Fortunately, with the publication of your wonderful books like the Guide to Household Pests, it was so much easier for our generation, but you've certainly shown again how things can be much easier for all of us!"

"Why, thank you, Ms Appleblossom. It's so very heart-warming to know that my simple words can inspire readers all over the country. Oh, I never tire of hearing how many lives my works have touched. Yes, you in the pink and yellow sweater, what's your question?"

"Mr Lockhart, do you have plans to write a sequel? I'm absolutely dying to know what happens between Nigel Reese and Nora Gallagher," Eunice Greengrass asked eagerly.

"I dare say you can guess what happens between Nigel and Nora, though there may be a sequel if I'm properly inspired," Gilderoy answered with a wink seemingly directed towards the second seat from the right, back row. The audience tittered in response.

With a shudder, Hermione slumped even further in her seat, trying to position herself so the large Augurey hat three rows in front obscured her from Lockhart's view. Had he just winked at her? How horrific!

Martha Higgensbottom jumped up excitedly and asked, "Mr Lockhart, I bought The Witches of Gilford Cookbook and The Witches of Gilford Guide to Housecleaning Charms. Are you writing any other books to go along with the series?"

Lockhart cleared his throat and responded, "Well, I have several additional supporting titles and products to accompany The Witches of Gilford, but I'm afraid my publicist is keeping me quiet about what we have in the works. Perhaps you ladies would like to share some of your favourite ideas."

"Oh, I'd love to see a calendar with some of the inspirational charms and solutions from the book," Flora Merriweather offered tentatively.

"Bloody turncoat," Severus grumbled.

Delphinia Appleblossom chirped joyously, "I wish I had a Witches of Gilford blanket. That would be just the perfect thing to curl up under in front of the fire while I'm reading The Witches of Gilford and eating a batch of Auntie Gertrude's fudge from The Witches of Gilford Cookbook."

Eunice Greengrass swooned, "Mr Lockhart, your voice is so charming. Why, I'd love it if my book were spelled so that I could just tap my wand and hear you reading it to me!"

Gilderoy frantically jotted down ideas as the witches continued tossing them out, galleons sparkling in his eyes.

Severus whispered incredulously, "Bloody hell. Is the bugger actually writing down their suggestions? Greedy bastard. As if the world needs Witches of Gilford sweaters."

Hermione shuddered. Really, the merchandising was utterly ridiculous. Though she suspected Molly would have appreciated something from the line for her birthday were it not for Gilderoy's involvement in the Chamber of Secrets. When initially confronted with Hermione's less than enthusiastic response about the book club, Molly had raved about the book. It would be quite amusing to see Molly's reaction once the news broke that Richmond Greenleaf was really Lockhart. Hermione grimaced. It made sense now why Nigel Reese had seemed disgustingly familiar.

Gradually, the impromptu Witches of Gilford product focus group ran out of ideas, and Lockhart solicited another question from the crowd.

"How did you get your start as a writer?" Bessie Thompson asked.

Lockhart visibly brightened at the question. "Well, I spent several years working in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes where I discovered I had a flair for the written word."

"He probably got sacked for falsifying his reports," Hermione muttered.

"I suppose we now know where he mastered Obliviates," Severus snorted.

"I also found that there were so many fascinating journeys that an adventurous young wizard like myself could undertake. I took it as my mission to travel the world resolving wizarding conflicts, fighting daring dark creatures, and faithfully reporting back to my loyal readers. I made it my mission to let the wizarding world know how all of the arduous tasks were performed so that my hard work could benefit future generations."

"Oh, goodness. I may be physically sick," Hermione whinged as Lockhart asked for one final question.

"How did you get the inspiration for Nigel Reese?"

"Oh, this ought to be good. I wonder if he'll own up to self-insertion," Hermione mused.

"Well, last year I had a wonderful opportunity to spend several months in the beautiful English countryside near Lacock,” Gilderoy began.

"And now we perhaps know where St Mungo's ships graduates from the Janus Thickey Ward," Severus murmured as Hermione made a note to have her parents sell their summer cottage.

"I was quite the local celebrity and was invited into many a home during my stay. While I was there, I couldn't help but notice that many of the local housewitches were most inefficient in their use of magic. I advised several witches on the most expedient charms to use, but I found that many witches bristled when someone directly advised them on superior methods for tackling their household duties. I don't believe I've ever found myself in the situation where my performance was critiqued in such a direct fashion, but I suppose I can imagine how such feedback could be ill-received. At any rate, I was confident that my new mission would be not to travel the world reporting back adventures but to help a bit closer to home. At that point, I was inspired to take a less direct route. Surely, the witches of Britain would be more receptive to such advice if someone else were giving and receiving it! And thus Nigel Reese was born."

Severus began chuckling. "Ah, Lockhart, you just don't know when to quit. That little exposure may cost you your fandom."

"If only we were so lucky," Hermione replied, spying very few disgruntled witches in the crowd.

Sensing that Lockhart was on the verge of royally sticking his foot in it, Matilda Broomshanks nudged him aside and retook the podium. "Thank you so very much for being a part of this extraordinary and wonderful book club. I bid you adieu and hope to see you again for our next book club starting in September when we'll be reading Amortenisia Appleby's upcoming novel, Destined to Love: The True Story of Salazar Slytherin and Helga Hufflepuff."

Hermione and Severus both shivered as they felt the tingle that announcing the end of the Compulsion Charms. Hermione slumped back in her seat and groaned, "Thank gods, that's all finally over."

Severus snorted as he cancelled the Muffliato spell that encased them. "Indeed. Let's get the hell out of here," he urged, pulling her hand as he stood up. They'd nearly made it to the door when their escape was interrupted.

"Miss Granger! Miss Granger! Wait, please!"

Hermione stood stock still with her eyes screwed tightly shut.

Severus tugged at her hand, trying to persuade her to move the two feet separating them from freedom. Glancing back to see Lockhart pushing his way through his adoring crowd to catch up with them, he dropped her hand and shuffled off to look at a book display.

Bloody coward, Hermione thought.

"Oh, Miss Granger! I'm so glad I caught you before you could leave."

She turned to face Gilderoy Lockhart and released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. "Yes, Mr Lockhart?"

"Oh, please call me Gil," he begged, grabbing her hand and pumping it vigorously. "I've thought about sending a note in the past, but I always felt it would be a bit too impersonal and not nearly as meaningful as a tête-à-tête."

Hermione removed her hand from 'Gil's' and shot a stern glare at Severus, who was barely suppressing his laughter while pretending to examine an endcap featuring Slyvester Sciurus's latest, The Mating Rituals of the Three-Crowned Hooting Buffalo Squirrel. Hermione made a mental note to pick up a copy for Luna's birthday.

Undeterred, Gilderoy continued, "I've always wanted to thank you for publishing your research on the reversal of Memory Charms. I understand the research was based on Memory Charms you cast on your own parents. I, of course, understand first hand how challenging it can be to share such difficult and personal information with the world. Yet, the rewards are boundless, aren't they? At any rate, I wanted to thank you personally for taking the time to share your research. Your findings led to exciting developments for all patients in the Janus Thickey Ward, particularly its most famous patient, me! Why, I never imagined, all those years ago, that one of my pupils would produce such critical and fascinating work. Although, I suppose it's not surprising that any one of you excelled given the unparalleled instruction you received in my classroom."

Hermione groaned internally. Her research had been driven by her overwhelming guilt and, of course, desire to have her parents returned to her with memories and mental faculties intact. During her research, she'd ardently wished many a time that she had never cast the Memory Charms on her parents in the first place. Any previous longing was now dwarfed.

Gil continued rambling, "Anyway, I wasn't sure you'd heard that your research had such far-reaching and significant outcomes. My recovery did not garner quite the attention from the press that you might have expected. Sadly, it coincided with the capture of Rodolphus Lestrange and was horribly overshadowed by that dreadful tale. Pity, all that gruesome business with He Who Must Not Be Named. I'm sure the war would have ended much sooner had I not been otherwise engaged. I must say I'm quite adept at—"

This simply had to stop. Hermione interrupted, "You're quite welcome, Gil. I'm pleased my research proved helpful for St Mungo's. Sorry, but I'm afraid I have plans for the remainder of the evening. Congratulations on your recovery and your book." She made towards the door. Severus could follow or not.

"Before you go, I was wondering when you might have time in your busy schedule to join me for dinner at the Prancing Pegasus."

As the gears in her brain clunked noisily, Hermione found great difficulty in formulating a response. Dammit! This is the second time my brain has frozen around him. She eyed him warily, wondering if the sneaky idiot could manage a nonverbal Imperius.

Severus interjected brusquely, "I can assure you, Ms Granger's evenings are otherwise occupied."

"Why, Severus, old chap! I thought that was you in the back of the book club. I must confess I'm a bit shocked. I rather thought your tastes ran a bit darker."

"Indeed. I found the entire experience a waste of time and parchment. I've never read such horrific tripe in my entire life. Good day!" Severus barked before grabbing Hermione's hand and storming out the door of Flourish and Blotts.

They Apparated to the alley next to Hermione's building, and Severus immediately stalked off towards the pub across the street.

Scurrying after Severus, Hermione couldn't help but be amused at Severus's reaction to Gilderoy Lockhart. She'd have been far more appreciative of his daring rescue had he not abandoned her in the first place.

She was horrified enough by her own personal history with Lockhart, but Severus had had to teach alongside, duel with, and mop up after the flouncy fool. Nightmare seemed a kind word for the ordeal.

"Gods, I hadn't thought of that idiot in years." Hermione slid into the seat across from Severus. He seemed quite serious about celebrating their freedom; drinks were already on the table.

"Indeed. I'd hoped he'd be interned in the Janus Thickey Ward for life. His botched Obliviate was the first time I ever, albeit begrudgingly, found myself thankful for a Potter and Weasley's existence," Severus grumbled.

"Oh gods, Harry and Ginny will both tease me about this mercilessly," Hermione moaned, covering her face with her hands.

"Why on earth would they tease you about Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"Imayhavehadabitofacrushonhimatthebeginningofsecondyear," Hermione mumbled into her hands.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Severus began chuckling, clearly having distinguished the relevant bits of her sentence.

Hermione lowered her hands and glared at him. "You heard me, prat."

"So you had a crush on old 'Gil', did you?"

"Fine. I'll admit I was a bit enamoured of him at the beginning of term – when I was twelve," she admitted with gritted teeth. "I'd read all of his books over the summer and was certain he would be such an excellent teacher. Needless to say, my opinion of him eroded over the course of the year."

"Yes, his books certainly painted a dashing image of him. It's a wonder his publicist managed to keep the news that he'd swiped all of his tales from other witches and wizards out of The Daily Prophet."

"No kidding. His little stay in the Thickey Ward wasn't picked up by the press either. However did you manage to tolerate him as a colleague?"

"Gods, it was bloody awful. All year long, that man stalked me. He tried to badger me into making his blasted beauty potions for him. He gave me tips on improving my duelling skills – even more so after I wiped the floor with him. And I'll never forget the day he accosted me in the staff room, waving his wand in my face. 'Why, Severus, I know the perfect Teeth Straightening and Cleansing Charms.' For once, he managed to catch me completely off guard. I only barely managed to dodge the charm. It hit Hagrid and transfigured all his teeth into Flobberworms. It took Minerva and Poppy days working together to set Hagrid to rights, and you can imagine how loath Hagrid was to banish the nasty little beasts.”

Severus shook his head and took a long drink from his pint. “Buggering hell, that insolent twerp was a walking disaster."

"I honestly don't know how you survived watching any of the DADA teachers. It must have been agonising to watch them fail year after year."

"Actually, Lockhart wasn't the worst Defence Professor Hogwarts ever saw. There was one... Professor McTwaddle. He was brought on board just after Voldemort's first defeat. Gods, if you thought the Cornish Pixie incident in your year was awful–" Severus shook his head. "McTwaddle released a nest of Ashwinders into his fourth-year class."

"Oh gods! What happened?"

"We sent fourteen students to St Mungo's. Poppy was fit to be tied."

Hermione shook her head in disbelief. "You know, it's rather unfortunate that the club is ending just now when you'll be so busy with end of term. I wonder when I'll see you. Loathsome as the meetings were, I at least got to spend time with you."

Severus groaned, "Don't remind me. This weekend is the last Hogsmeade visit before exams. From here on out, the little buggers will be wound up. My fifth- and seventh-year Slytherins are already stressed out. I've had to brew extra potions for Poppy. She's had five Ravenclaws with beginning signs of ulcers."

"Do you think you'll be able to get away much at all before term ends?"

"I rather doubt it. Between revision sessions, career counselling for sixth years, inventories, and – oh gods, I don't want to think about it anymore." Severus took a long drink from his pint. "Fucking students."

"I'm sorry, Severus. Oh, I received an owl from Molly today. There's a party for Bill and Fleur's little one the last weekend in June. Do you think you might be able to go with me?"

"Bugger, that's my first free weekend." Severus frowned, his eyes flitting up from his glass to meet Hermione's hopeful expression. "I suppose I can."

"Excellent!" Hermione beamed. "Well, if tonight's the only night we have for a month, shall we return to my flat for shenanigans?"

"Shenanigans, indeed," Severus replied, rising from his seat and offering Hermione his arm.

A/N:

Kudos to indigo_rose for nearly guessing the identity of Richmond Greenleaf. She guessed that Nigel Reese was Gilderoy. Close enough.  oscarxena, however, wins the grand prize for asking if Gilderoy was writing under a pseudonym.

Early on, kittylefish and I were trying to come up with a clever pseudonym for Mr Gilderoy Lockhart. I wanted very badly to use an anagram of his name. That didn't produce anything viable, so I played around with some other combinations, substituting English and Irish surnames. None stuck; however, I did find that Nigel Rhys O'Riordan anagrams to Gilderoy's Air Horn ... which is amusing, but not quite something he would choose for himself.

Finally, at this point in the story, I can point out that my internet name sources informed me that 'Nigel' means 'champion/knight' and 'Rhys' is a surname of Welsh origin that translates to the word 'ardour', meaning eagerness, love, and passion. All this effectively means that Mr. Marty Stu, Nigel Reese was the Knight of Passion – a fitting Marty Stu name for Mr Lockhart.

And lastly, thanks so much for your patience in waiting for this update. I've been a busy little bee, betaing, running, working, and helping moderate the upcoming Lumione exchange. And kittylefish and I combined forces to spring an April fool's gag on TPP: The Golden Ring.

Chapter 11 is done and being betaed, and the epilogue is nearly complete. Thanks for sticking with me!