I Am The One

I've seen you cry

"I'll Be Waiting" Lenny Kravitz

September, 1981

"Alissa!" a blonde girl squealed, dashing through the Hogwarts Platform, pushing people aside and weaving her way to her best friend. Her face was flushed and she was out of breath.

"Julia!" Alissa cried as she grasped the young woman's arms. "What is it? You're all flushed!"

Julia was gasping for air. "Slughorn is gone! You won't believe who is taking his place this year!"

"Who?" Alissa asked incredulously.

"Severus Snape!"

Alissa's eyes popped open. "No!" Then she recalled the promise he made so long ago that in her sixth year, if she were still interested, he would teach her how to duel. She kept silent and allowed herself to be led, her thoughts racing madly. She had missed him so! It had been terrible coming back for her third year with him gone. She had cried for months until she forced herself to believe what he had promised. He would come back to train her. Perhaps by then, she had thought, she would be old enough and pretty enough to capture his attention. It was what she lived on for the next three years.

"I can't believe they've allowed him to teach!" Julia exclaimed. "He has the vilest reputation. Some people claim he is a Death Eater! Even that he works closely with You-Know-Who! You remember when that one Death Eater, Igor...something, named him with a whole slew of them during his testimony at the inquiry a couple of years ago? It was only by Dumbledore's word that he was saved from Azkaban!" she whispered.

Interesting! Alissa thought. "Well, let's see how old Snape has been these past years!" she said jokingly.

Julia was aghast. "I don't know how you can be so flip, Alissa. Sure, we went to school with him, but we were little kids, and he was such a nasty git! I have seen him...oh! There he is...Sweet Merlin, he is positively wretched looking!" she whispered to her friend.

Alissa stared at the figure stationed at the castle gates. He had changed. Not that he was ever was particularly jovial or handsome...but now there was a hardness to his face that had not been there before.

He was tall, taller than she remembered, thin, and had an unforgiving face that was brutal to behold. His eyes were cold and angry, and his face was as pale as death. He looked at the students all as if they were nothing more than vermin. He did not recognize Alissa, per se, just noted her blatant stare as she passed him by, and he narrowed his eyes and glowered at her like she were just any other student. Julia swallowed a scream and took off, dragging Alissa with her.

N.E.W.T. level classes for sixth-year Potions were tense to say the least. It had to be difficult to teach students who could still recall you being a fellow classmate themselves. As Alissa worked on her potion, he came to her and whispered, "Miss Devon, after class, please." Then he strode off to find another Gryffindor to terrorize.

***

After class, she went into his office. He shut the door, placed his wards, and cast a Silencing Spell.

"I have summoned you here to make good my offer. To a bloody Gryffindor, no less!" He smirked at first, but as he looked more intently on her, his face became much sadder.

"You have grown up, although not completely. What are you, sixteen now?" he asked tiredly.

"In three weeks, I shall be of Legal Wizarding Age," Alissa said happily.

"So, not a little cub anymore?" he said in a heartbreaking tone that struck her right down the middle. He seemed to be sad that she wasn't a little second-year anymore. She felt like she had let him down by growing up. This was not how it was supposed to be! She was an adult now...well, in three weeks, anyway! He was supposed to be attracted to her...she wasn't a baby! She had a woman's body now; she was no longer a little cub!

"I'm looking forward to your helping me learn how to duel like a proper witch should," Alissa shot back.

He sank back into his chair. "Why?" he asked with a sigh.

"I want to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. I know there will be an opening coming up for an apprenticeship at Durmstrang in a couple years, and I want it...badly." She took a risk and blurted out, "I also know you have some influence amongst the powers that be there. I think I could do far, far, worse than having you as my instructor and mentor," she finished confidently.

His face fixed into a tight look of concentration. He was silent for a long time.

"I noticed a call to the dark that concerned me, Miss Devon. How deep does your interest into Dark Magic go?" he asked finally.

"Only to the point of wanting to contain it as much as it can be contained. One can never eradicate the Dark, just as no one can eradicate the Light. A twisted mind justifies that they need each other. I prefer to think of it as an evil that must be respected, but dealt with aggressively whenever it manifests itself."

"Well said, Miss Devon," Snape replied coolly. "Although I may not completely agree with your belief, you are impassioned and determined. Let us see how well you are able to harness your mind. We shall begin after the Halloween festivities. So much going on at the beginning of the term, you see. I must figure out a plan. You are dismissed."

"Thank you, sir," Alissa replied as she left.

After she left, Snape stared off into the distance after her, his fingers steepled in front of his face. Why couldn't she just stay a child forever? Will she have to be another one I am forced to kill or watch be killed?

***

It was Heaven and it was Hell. Alissa wanted to rejoice, but she felt the anguish that was being howled out in the bowels of the castle.

It was October 31st, 1981.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was no more.

The Potters were dead. But little Harry Potter lived! He vanquished the Dark Lord!

But Lily was dead.

Alissa went to her room and put on her black dress robes and charmed her hair with her wand to make it fuller and wavy. She planned to go to the dungeons with her eyes blackened and sad. But no jewelry. It would not do. He would be in a desperate way. She wanted him to know she desired to share in his grief. She knew about Lily. She had made it her business to know everything she could about about Severus Snape. She loved him. She'd loved him since that first day when she was a first-year and saw him dueling with Potter and Black...oh! James!...how could it all end so suddenly? She dropped her brush and it crashed onto her vanity. She closed her eyes and stifled a cry with her hands. She wanted to bawl her eyes out for the Potters, but she would have to wait. She would cry later. Now, there was an old friend who had lost someone he had loved very much.

She walked boldly to his private quarters and knocked loudly. He must have expected someone else because he wrenched the door open and let loose a torrent of curse words that made her go fairly cross-eyed!

And he had been drinking. Well, not a lot as of yet, but it didn't look like he was stopping anytime soon.

He was silent and let her walk in. She felt his eyes trail over her.

"Why are you here?" he demanded coldly.

"You are in pain. I just want to be here for you. No one should be alone when they are suffering," she answered sadly.

He dropped his glass, letting it shatter on the floor, and stalked towards her. She backed up into the cold stone wall at her back and allowed him to press himself against her.

"How old are you now?" he whispered softly.

"Seventeen," she replied evenly.

"You look so...different," he whispered softly as he leaned in closer to sniff her perfume.

Her breathing stopped and she was overcome by his closeness. She closed her eyes and inhaled unevenly. He shifted slightly towards her face. His black eyes were on her; she could sense it. She felt his breath on her mouth. She swallowed and moistened her lips. Then he withdrew from her.

"Good. You'll come to my bed tonight," he said silkily. He grabbed her hand and led her to his bedroom.

"You've been crying," Alissa said with concern.

"How astute! Ten points to Gryffindor!" he said sardonically.

He pushed her down on his bed and asked roughly, "Why are you here?"

"You're hurting so much. I just want to help in whatever way I can," she answered quietly.

He stood up straight and folded his arms across his chest. "Fine, take off your clothes," he said in a clipped tone.

He looked fairly stunned when she began to do so.

He slowly started to strip off his clothes. "You realize this does not mean a relationship?" he asked.

Alissa nodded. She knew exactly what she was doing.

"You're hurting, you're in pain. Let me be your friend," she said calmly.

***

That night he took her into his arms and took everything he could take. She gave everything she could give.

He was in a frenzy of need. There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to anything he tried. He would start to approach her in one way and back off. He would try to touch one part of her body and halt before contact. Alissa decided to take control of the situation; he was a terrible mess of jumbled emotions. She slid down on the bed and spread her legs for him.

He gave a startled groan in shock. He looked at her. He had never had a woman before. She tried to act so assured and calm. Her black hair was beautiful. She had become a lovely woman. She would help him forget. He closed his damp eyes and focused on the promise of being taken away from the pain and the misery...for a while...

He placed his hands on her knees and slid them slowly up to her hips. He hovered over her and looked at her face. Her eyes were so large and dark, but carried a warmth his own did not. Her smile was beautiful; it was the most perfect smile he had ever seen. Her lips were lovely. He ran the pad of his thumb across them, and she flashed her perfect smile at him. He looked at her breasts. They were not as large as he usually liked, but they were full enough to cup in his hand comfortably with enough weight to entice him. She was so pale; her nipples were almost red in comparison to her translucent skin. He didn't know why. He had never seen nipples as red as hers before, even with all the magazines and pictures of naked witches he had seen over the years, and they had excited him intensely. He felt it must be a sure sign of her lust for him. He felt his way down; her stomach was not as firm as he'd expected. She had a soft underbelly. She was just so soft. He wanted to lie on her and have her wrap herself around him and let him sleep in her warm softness.

He looked at her mound and noticed how unkempt her pubic hair was. She obviously was a virgin with no reason to know a man's desire for upkeep. But secretly, that was something he had been told to want. He actually liked that she was unaltered; it was tangible evidence that she was a woman. But one day she would realize the realities of the adult world, and she would feel ashamed. Knowing that made him sad for her. She was dark-haired and pale, and he could tell she already worked hard to fight against what was by nature a body that had more than its fair share of unwanted hair. He noticed the shadow of a trail from her belly-button to her mound. She was imperfect according to the world's standards. Yet it did not matter. So was he. He traced the line from her navel on down with one long finger, and she winced, trying to wriggle away. He grabbed her hips and held her firmly down. She was blushing and was embarrassed. It created a primal instinct in him to dominate her. She was no girl, but a mature woman to whom nature had been cruel in a very humiliating way. That he was all too familiar with.

He looked into her large dark eyes. They were swimming in tears of humiliation. She felt more exposed than what she had bargained for. She had not bargained for him to pay so close attention to her body, well, at least not that part. She felt ashamed and disgusted that he had noticed. He pinned her down with his thighs; her legs slammed against the bed. He looked closer into her face and saw the shadow of excess hair that grew on the sides of her face, by her ears. The tears were streaming down her eyes sideways and into her hair. Her white pale face was blotched with red and pink spots. He couldn't understand why she should still be so upset. It wasn't her fault, and he was not judging her or pushing her away because of it. It was common for women with black hair and pale skin to have this condition. It did not take away from her beauty, not to him. Besides, he thought, she can be anyone for all I care! All he really wanted was the red-haired, green-eyed girl that made his heart race, but she was dead. All he could do now was bury his nose into her long, soft, thick, black hair and sink his manhood into her tight, unruly core and make the pain stop for a while.

She slid her hand up his arm, to his shoulder, and tangled it into his hair. She pulled him closer and closer until his lips were on hers. He lost himself in the warmth and beauty of her. She felt like satin. And when he slid the tip of his cock into her, oh! his mind went completely numb, and all he knew was the warm, liquid, satiny feel of her. She hitched her breath several times as he pushed himself in further and further. He felt her barrier give, and her knees clenched around the sides of his waist. He kissed her and reveled in the virginity he had just taken. His ego felt a surge of pride. His first time with a woman, and she was pure. She chose HIM. When he had finally pushed himself in as far as he could go, when he was completely hidden inside her, he began to shift and thrust. She was clenching him so tightly he could barely move. She was warm, soft, and unyielding. He had to get her to relax. He brushed a finger across a nipple, and she let a moan escape from her. He went one step further and slid his tongue across it slowly, and he felt her walls start to release him as her juices began to flow freely around his aching cock. When he fastened his mouth on it and sucked hard, she cried out in pleasure, and he felt an intense warm gush from her that made him want to scream her name. He didn't think, didn't know what he was doing, except that he was still greedily latched onto her nipple and pounding into her in short, choppy movements until he felt a tightening that made his head want explode and felt his release flow into her.

He had never known a woman, and she had never known a man. It could have been a disastrous event, but she had come for his comfort and not her own. When she arose from his bed, he stared at the blood she left behind on his sheets. She dressed with her back to him, and after she was fully clothed, she gave him a kiss goodnight and left. As she slipped out she whispered,"Call for me if you need me again."

***

A couple of weeks after the Potters' death, Sirius Black, James' best friend, was arrested. He was reported to have killed a dozen Muggles and murdered another one of his best friends, Peter Pettigrew.

That was a terrible day.

Snape called Alissa to his desk after class, and she met with him again. They sat in front of his fireplace silently. She looked at how angry he was, how bitterly angry. Alissa just could not process the information. It was just all too unreal!

He finally spoke. "Did you see the Prophet today?" he asked softly.

"Yes," she whispered. "I thought Sirius was James' best friend and Peter's too! Poor Remus...he must be devastated!"

"I'm sure Remus will get along fine without them!" he said with disdain.

There was more to the story, but Alissa had a feeling that was how it was always to be with them. There would always be more to Severus than she could ever hope to know.

"It's sweet poetic justice! The cur hated Slytherin and his pure-blood status, or so he claimed. Even disowned himself from his own brother! And all along he was taking the ever loyal and noble Potter for a ride. If only he had just betrayed him, but he betrayed her in the process. I'm just glad he's away where he can rot for his miserable life. That seems to be the only silver lining in this entire nightmare!" Severus seethed.

"I will not take you into my bed this night, Alissa. I would only hurt you. I do not want to expose you to the violence I'm capable of. I can go to a whore for that. I just wanted to take you up on your offer tonight...to be a...friend. Do you still want to be my lover?"

His voice was strangled, uncomfortable, like he was over his head and did not know the right questions to ask. But it didn't matter. Alissa didn't know the right answers.

"Yes, of course. Just let me know when you want me here," she whispered. He turned his face back to stare into the fire, and she got up and went back to Gryffindor Tower.

***

It went on like this for the remainder of the school year. Every couple of days, he would call her up to his desk after her class and ask if she would join him into his private quarters after curfew.

"Why do you do this?" he asked one night as she was dressing herself right after having sex with him. She was not facing him. She never faced him when she dressed.

"You're hurting, you're in pain, and in time, hopefully, the pain will ease. Just know, Severus, that I will always be here whenever you need me. I'm aware of the realities. I'm not living in a fool's paradise. It's just that I've seen you cry, and I felt the pain and the despair inside my heart for you. I just want to help. I'll always be here for you when you need me," she whispered as she finally turned around, dressed to leave. "Whenever you you need me, you call for me, and I'll be there."

***

The following year was Alissa's final year. At the very start, Severus ended their affair. He said he did not need her anymore. He stood in his office and stood straight and tall. He was determined not to have any dramatics. It had just become too potent and addictive. Her openness and eagerness to please him had led him to desire her pleasure as well, and he had begun to crave watching her orgasm over and over under his touch and taste. And yes, he had tasted her! He knew her body as well as his own. And her taste was equally as addictive as her sweet tight snatch.

He could recall with vivid clarity the first time he had brought her to climax. The look on her face and the straining of her hips underneath him coupled with the moaning of his name made his own release so powerful he had shouted so loud it echoed throughout his chambers. It wasn't love, it wasn't pure, it wasn't even respectful. It was out and out animal lust, and it was an insult to Lily's memory for him to engage in these primal acts when he still dreamt of finally having the chance of making love to her.

Alissa had come in wearing her school robes. She had grown; she was eighteen now. She stood with her face betraying no emotion, and her hair was up. She was all about business and it unnerved him. When he ended their sexual relationship, she nodded and said, "Just remember, I'll always be there if you need my help. All you have to do is call for me." Then she left.

It was surreal. If she was pained, he was never the wiser. She drove through her final year like a torrent. Several times that semester, he felt badly enough to try to attempt speaking with her, but she had an air of tunnel vision that did not have him in her sights. Snape finally decided she had moved on, and he was no longer welcome.

She was a very skilled duelist, according to the latest fuckwit to take the position of Defense teacher. He had heard the rumors in the staffroom about how many times she had bested the moron. He wished he could have taken the time he had spent shagging her and had actually done something productive for her. Then suddenly, without so much as a whisper, after the Christmas hols, she was gone!

A/N: Thanks to my beta, MadBrilliant. Please review!