Loss of Self

Chapter 12: Loss of Self

My pulse pounds in my veins, sending the nanos into their own pulse-pounding frenzy to keep up with my increased oxygen use. I can’t stay here; I need to start my descent immediately before the Baobab ship can register my presence. A wizard able to fly in space would certainly cause unwanted questions to be asked.

I start the descent quickly, dropping back into the atmosphere at such speed that even my body in Space Mode is aware of the shock of increasing pressure. I cannot rejoin Marinelle and Edon and the rest of the “Deranged”. The wizards will certainly notice the group of Magic Users and land somewhere near them, likely expecting me to be there as well. And I can’t be; I need to be hidden and invisible to the Baobab ship before it lands.

And yet, I have to get a message to Marinelle and Edon. If these wizards are here for me, Nelle and Edon need to know not to mention me at all. And if they’re not here for me, using my real name could alert them to my presence here.

I pull myself to a stop mid-air, deciding the best time to send a message is before I land.

Holding Liara comfortably in my right hand, I command: MESSAGE MARINELLE: WIZARDRY SHIP DESCENDING. DO NOT MENTION ME TO WIZARDS UNTIL YOU CAN BE SURE THEY ARE NOT SEARCHING FOR ME. WARN OTHERS. DO NOT PROVOKE WIZARDS AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. IF THEY HAVE NOT COME FOR ME, REFER TO ME AS PEL ONLY. TELL OTHERS. WHEN THE SHIP IS ROOTED, COME FIND ME AT LAST ABANDONED DERANGED CAMP. DO NOT BE FOLLOWED. I MAY NOT RESPOND IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR VOICE, BUT DO NOT BE ALARMED. ABOVE ALL, WARN OTHERS TO NOT ANGER THE WIZARDS.

I feel the twinge as the message releases from Liara and once again begin my descent, changing my angle to lead me closer to the last abandoned deranged camp we visited several weeks ago. The Baobab ship has not yet breached the atmosphere. I imagine the wizards are probably alerting the head of their faction as to their location and searching the planet for signs of Military or Raiders. How will they react when they find Magic-Using Military Deranged with a grove of wand trees? I can only hope that Marinelle and Edon are able to contain the situation. Being there with them, if I am indeed the reason these wizards have come to this planet, will only endanger them further. Under no circumstances will I allow myself to be drained.

The abandoned Deranged camp looms large in my vision as I switch out of Space Mode. If the ship is landing near the wand grove camp, I should be able to see it descending. And for now, I need precision to not hit trees on my way down, precision that I don’t have in Space Mode. I need to land quickly, but without stunning myself as I did when the Deranged first found us. And I need to be in Anti-Magic Mode before the Baobab ship enters the atmosphere.

I allow my descent to continue at its fast pace until moments before hitting the ground, when I suddenly slow the descent to allow myself a smooth landing. I choose the center of camp as my resting place. Leaning as comfortably as I can against the outside of a lean-to, I prepare myself for the excruciating emotional pain that I know will accompany the shift into Anti-Magic Mode. Of all the body-mods I have hidden within me, this is by far my least favorite. It is one I had hoped to never have to use.

Beginning the mental chant Yesaré taught me to ease the switch, I let my thoughts focus on counting in binary through three digits: 0, 1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 0, 1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111. I keep the chant going as I slip into Anti-Magic Mode.

The pain sears into me, threatening to tear my being apart as I feel my identity as a Wizard slip away. The numbers continue, creating a constant feedback loop in my now nano-regulated mind. The numbers wash over me, bathing my new self in regularity, predictability, constancy.

I am aware of the Baobab ship descending into the atmosphere as a technoscope is aware of the object being viewed. This has no bearing on me. Nothing but I can stop the numbers. And the numbers reassure me of existence, of the predictability and stability of the world.

0. 1. 10. 11. 100. 101. 110. 111.

0. 1. 10. 11. 100. 101. 110. 111.

The Baobab ship lands, sending a vibration through the ground into my body.

0. 1. 10. 11. 100. 101. 110. 111.

0. 1. 10. 11. 100. 101. 110. 111.

I am nothing but the numbers now. Nothing but the numbers.