Third Posting
What I Want My Words to Do to You
Chapter 3 of 6
Ladymage Samiko…in which they go on a date—of sorts.
or
A Series of Extracts Belonging to the Epistolary Courtship of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape, with Suitable Additions of Edifying Thoughts and Actions
by Severus Snape and Hermione Granger
edited by Lm. Samiko ^_~
Third Posting
Dear Severus,
Thank you for a lovely afternoon. Your library is certainly something to be reckoned with; I am now suffering from an inferiority complex as I regard my own pitiful bookshelves. If there is anything to be said for being a pureblood, it is that you're able to take advantage of the work of generations. The only books I can look forward to getting from my parents are dental textbooks and my mother's hidden stash of Barbara Cartland. (Don't ask.)
It had been another dull day at work. My co-workers are still trying to worm your identity out of me; I've had to disable any number of Extendable Ears and Dictoquills. I can't believe that they think I would talk or write to you from work. I also can't believe that they wouldn't realise that I can recognise Fred and George's work from ten miles away. Twenty miles, if we ever get any sun in this god-forsaken island. Yes, the weather's getting to me. It's not like I need the excuse to stay indoors, anyway, and, if nothing else, everyone else's bitching is driving me up the wall. I daresay you aren't faring much better, what with discontented students and the mud and other things they're tracking in. I'd reminisce, but I'd rather you not incinerate this letter. I hope instead that you're reading this in front of that simply enormous fireplace of yours with a cup of something hot and bracing on the table next to your chair. Don't forget to block the school Floo! Minerva scared me half to death when she popped in last Saturday and I know how she likes to 'check up' on you. Don't take the risk of having what little free time you have interrupted by petty concerns. And yes, I include the students in that category. I honestly don't know how you put up with them.
In any event, I wanted to take the opportunity to invite you over for All Hallows Eve. I know there is nothing in the Teachers' Articles that requires you to be on hand for every Halloween from now until you retire and I thought you might like a chance to enjoy the holiday for once without having to watch out for students lurking with Weasley Wheezes or skulking with intentions of snogging. As an extra incentive, I thought we might go Amoeba hunting; they're due for a couple of good Halloween hexes.
Let me know what you decide and if Minerva gives you any problems, I'll gladly speak to her. It would be nice to say exactly what I mean for once; that's the problem with having nitwits for one's 'superiors'.
Hugs,
Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
Thank you for reminding me to shut down my Floo; it really is very odd that after twenty-odd years of spying and only a few of 'ordinary' life, I consistently forget that aspect. Though doing so meant that I had to listen to thirty-five minutes of Minerva's whinging about how she had wanted to speak with me and what would happen if there was an emergency and I couldn't be reached or if I was somehow incapacitated and couldn't summon help? I merely pointed out that there were more than a half-dozen other professors who could ostensibly help with any sort of 'emergency' and that I probably wouldn't summon help even if I were writhing on the floor in agony. Particularly if it meant a gaggle of ham-handed ninnies were to come galloping into my quarters.
As you might imagine, such a comment did not go over well. I was forced to listen to another twenty minutes of lecture on the subject of ingratitude and duty to one's position. I pointed out there was nothing in particular to be grateful for--at least not as regards my colleagues or the school--and that my duty did not include those rather meagre hours of so-called 'free time' that are a part of my contract.
That did not go over terribly well, either. Minerva is far too easy to bait. If I have more luck than has been evidenced heretofore, she will sack me for insubordination. It is in the contract, though the Great Wizards know that I never could have forced Albus into it. That man was more possessive than an iron-jawed piranha.
As regards All Hallows', it is true that I have spent every one of them cooped up in this place with overly hormonal teenagers with delusions of ingenuity. It is virtually scheduled: 6.30 - collect Dungbombs from 3rd Year Dormitory, 7.00 - confiscate firewhisky that the 5th Years were going to put in the punchbowl, 7.15 - confiscate the vodka that the 7th Years were going to put in the punchbowl... 10.05 - clear the fumbling couples out the Astronomy Tower, 10.45 - clear the 6th and 7th Year orgy out the Room of Requirement. More points are taken from Hufflepuff on Halloween than on any other night, actually. Odd, honestly, with their ideals of dogged loyalty, though perhaps they figure it is easier to be loyal (or in this case, faithful) to a group than to any single person. The things that occur in this castle... Fluffy and Buckbeak do not even begin to approach the horrors I have seen. Though I will admit that Slytherins tend to come up with the most interesting... accessories.
In any event, you should realize that I would leap with the enthusiasm of Lupin for a mouldy bone at the chance to be elsewhere. Merlin knows, I've spent twenty years in Purgatory, I deserve some little reprieve. After all, Purgatory is supposed to occur after death, not before. Though perhaps it would be more prudent for you to speak with Minerva at this point. She actually likes you, for reasons I find totally incomprehensible, and I, as I have just recounted, am not exactly in her good graces at the moment. Not that I mind, but it would take quite a bit longer for me to talk her around than it would you.
Severus.
Dear Minerva,
I am writing to ask you a very important favour. As you recall, you found me with Professor Snape in his library the other day. The truth is, it occurred to me that he needed some socialization to prevent him from sinking entirely into that rather thick cloud of isolation and snarkiness that surrounds him. I know he's capable of putting everybody's back up just for the fun of the thing, but it's rather sad, really, don't you think? I mean, after all, he must do such things because he's really afraid of connecting to other people. And he must be terribly lonely as a result. So I decided I simply have to do something about it. You know me, after all. To that end, I have invited him to spend Halloween with me, as well. Would you be so very kind as to let him off for the evening? I promise to return him in good condition and perhaps a little more cheerful than when he left. Do say you will.
Thanks awfully,
Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
Of course you may have our resident hedgehog for Halloween, if you really want him. I can't imagine why, except that you have one of the biggest hearts for lost causes I've ever seen, my dear girl. Albus would be proud of you, Hermione. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours. And try not to let him spoil your holiday too badly.
Sincerely,
Minerva.
Dear Severus,
We're on. I told Minerva you are my new charity cause; I think I used up my year's supply of italics in the process. She fell for it like a tripped mountain troll. Do have any idea how it is that she still expects me to sound like a third year? In any case, I'll see you at Hogwarts' gates at 6.30, then, shall I? No reason not to start early and miss the student revels besides.
Hugs,
Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
Agreed.
Severus.
Dear Severus,
That was absolutely, bloody marvellous. Completely childish, generally petty, and entirely self-serving, but fuck all, it felt good! Just remind me not to get on your bad side now that you have no reason to hold yourself back. Our pranks were bad enough - and they, at least, were a challenge - I have no desire to end up both in pain and utterly humiliated. I only wish I had thought to bring a camera, but then, we can review our Pensieves together sometime when we need a good laugh. And, damn it, the Amoeba deserved it. And I... feel cleansed, actually. Like I've gotten rid of all the bad karma they've been piling around me for years. Free at last!
The investigations at work doubled when I showed up this morning with that silly grin on my face. You know the one -- I was wearing it last night after we finished with the Amoeba. Apparently, it matches what I ought to look like after brain-scrambling sex. I didn't bother to correct their mistaken conclusions. What would be the point? It's far too much fun to play with their minds.
It occurs to me that I may be spending too much time with you. Your personality is definitely rubbing off on me. Should I be worried or amused about that?
By the way, I've run into a slight snag in my Arithmantic research; I've included the relevant bits in this letter. Would you look at the Potions equations and check that I've got the right values for the ingredients? I know there's a mistake in there somewhere, but I can't see it for the life of me. You know more than I do (which is a fact due to your age, not a compliment, you raving egotist) and will probably spot what I've missed. And it never hurts to have a fresh pair of eyes. You know I don't dare show it around here; my superiors would pounce on the evidence I've been doing it up at work and claim all of the credit. When I find the bastard who introduced Muggle contract clauses to the Wizarding community... Well, I imagine you'll be right there beside me, won't you?
All my love,
Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
You have the value for newt's testicles wrong. It should be 19824.0924, not 19842.0924. Don't ask me why; I can only assume it has something to do with the sense of humour that controls the absurdity of this existence. But I trust this will advance your work somewhat. And that you will adequately reimburse me for the time I spent in finding your silly little error.
I agree with your assessment of contract clauses. Albus, being the sneaky bastard that he was, tried to slip several by me when I began to teach at Hogwarts. When I pointed them out, he tried to justify them, an endeavour that basically boiled down to: 'You ought to be grateful to me for giving you any sort of work, you stupid sod, so sign the damn contract.' I threatened to simply turn myself in to Azkaban and deprive him of my sterling qualities as a Stupid Sod Who's Seen the Light, which brought him back to his senses immediately. Albus may have been powerful and crafty, but he was pathetically easy to manipulate sometimes. In return, of course, for manipulating everyone else all of the time. I do occasionally ask myself how I managed to get into all of this nonsense. It is a rather depressing answer: I was manipulated by anyone who had any say in my life whatsoever. I shan't bore you with the details, but it would seem that Albus was merely the last in a long line...
...I must take my leave of you, Hermione; it is my turn to patrol the halls. May I say, dear one, that I myself would not object to seeing your 'silly grin' in the mornings?
Sincerely,
Severus.
Hermione was grateful for the help, pleased at his openness, and utterly floored by the last line. Did he mean what she thought he meant? What if he did? What if she assumed he did and he didn't? What if he did and assumed she agreed? Or that she didn't agree? How should she reply? Would she sound too eager? Not eager enough? Was she ready to be eager? What if she wasn't when she thought she was? What if she was and she thought she wasn't? What if he wasn't ready for it? What if...?
Damn.
Dear Severus,
.....
Fuck. Erase the drops and start again.
Dearest Severus,
........
Why did these damned quills have to drip so much? Erase 'em again.
Dear .... .
Weren't letters supposed to get longer once you started them?
Severus -
.......
Oh, sod it.
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Latest 25 Reviews for What I Want My Words to Do to You
84 Reviews | 6.93/10 Average
Don't know why I haven't found this before! Great fun, despite the slight to my home town...
Loved it! Thank you!
Looking for something to read, I stumbled on the Yule 2008 challenge and started down the list. When I read your Yule story and realized it was a sequel, I went looking for this. Loved it. Reminds me of Dorothy Sayers' beginning to "Busman's Honeymoon" which was written in the mid 1930s. If you haven't read it, might I highly suggest you do. Lord Peter and Harriet Vane are very entertaining and Bunter is priceless. 
a great collection of letters, indeed!
LOL
Thank you for the laughs I had while reading this chapter of you fic.
delicious and decidedly funny. very much in character for both of them. thanks so much! 
I really loved this story!!!
This is absolutely delightful! I adore epistolary fiction, and I crowed with laughter at the Barbara Cartland reference. In fact, I inherited mine from my mother, who in turn inherited them from her father. ;) Crazy, but funny.
aaackk. will poor hermione EVER figure out how to respond to that last line? too funny! i read this on a break at work, and i giggled so gleefully i had to explain to my coworker WHAT was so funny. i read her the paragraph of hermione's reaction, and even out of context, she agreed it was most amusing. am looking forward to when you put some more words into her mouth - er, quill. ; )
More please! I Likie!! Heehee-- and I love the fact that they switched to their names without all the "HOW DID YOU KNOW!!" heehee.
This is wonderful....
another lovely chapter of this delightful story. you do such a wonderful job with establishing their voices in these letters. i LOVE that he sent her a catalog of his library! and that sure sounds like an invitation to me.
Loving this! 
You always write them so well, 
and I like the letter format with their reactions included. 
It's interesting that they haven't even seen eachother for a few years (before they started their correspondence even) the entire time this has (so far 
) gone on. 
Will be looking forward to the next! 
I remember this. I would love to read the rest.
Another brilliant chapter! Your mastery of the language sends me into raptures, especially as it is the language of love peculiar to Hermione and Severus.
Anonymous
That was indeed an invitation! I watched with interest the greetings change from Woman! to Dear Miss Granger to Dear Hermione. He is being drawn in slowly but surely....
This is the best way to court, through letters. I imagine all those WWII soldiers writing to girls back home. You can give real thought to your words and express yourself more fully. I think the Hermione in this story has hit on the perfect means to ensnare Prof. S. C. Snape.
Elegant as the first chapter, equally lovely, and stimulating.
Love it! Delightful and inventive. Can't wait for more!
A great update! I do side with Severus that Hermione should have hexed some precious bits of those two dunderheads she called friends as a thank-you for their "gift" (insult would be more correct). There wouldn't have been a woman anywhere who would have blamed her, most likely it would have been "The" thing that would have united all witches, pureblood, halfblood and muggleborns alike:-) The letters between our two heroes are magnificiant, and I am amazed how well you get the story told by their letters to each other. I do hope that at some point we will get to read about Ron and Harry finding out just who Hermione is involved with?:-))I will be looking forward for the next update!
Wonderful. Severus's presents compared to Harry and Ron's! I love the idea of a catalogue to his book-collection forming a pledge of friendship (and quite understand it - I am an antiquarian bookseller's daughter, after all).Btw - one amoeba, two amoebae.
Oh! I forgot to include a comment on her third letter this chapter. I am going to have to write it down because the words are positively moving. Thoroughly profound, and it stirs the heart and quickens the breath just thinking of having someone, anyone say something like that.
What progress... Hermione didn't even comment with Severus first called her by name. But then I suppose she knew he knew who she was, and he knew she knew he knew, so it wasn't necessary to mention it.
Brilliant, keep up the good work ! I can't wait for the pillocks to find out who her "pen-friend" is.
I am enjoying this fic so very much. I admit to delighting in epistolary fiction as well as reading the letters of various historical couples (I'm currently reading some of the correspondence between John and Abigail Adams when I'm not reading fanfic or studying math or regional studies at college). Severus most definitely has excellent taste and I must say, the voice of his letters makes me wish I was his correspondent, not Hermione! The characterisations and emotive expression in your writing are among the best I've ever read (in HP fanfic and pro-fic), I am looking forward to reading the next installment. Bravi, bravi, bravissimi!
That was lovely. I really enjoyed it. And I can't believe that "gift" from Ron and Harry. I would have hexed them into next week.
Anonymous
I very much enjoyed! How witty! How utterly sparkling-ly lovely! I cannot wait for the rest. Pray tell, what would be the ages of the involved parties, and how long has our dear ZS been pining for the many-titled professor? Or do I have to wait for more letters to reveal these bits of information?