Just to Think it All Began on an Uneventful Morn…

A/N: Hope you love this chapter. It was exhausting to write, but I was happy with the result. Please review! Again, thanks to my betas, Augurey27 and ImOnMedication.

***

We returned that fall to Hogwarts and threw ourselves in training. Severus expressed his fears over and over that a battle was looming and it would not be long before I might be able to avenge myself and reclaim my life. When he spoke like that, it seemed ridiculous to me. Reclaim my life? I thought. This is my life. He is my life, my shelter, protector, mentor, teacher, husband, and friend. I could never leave him!

One day when we were in the Forest, unaware, a pair of eyes had stumbled upon us. We dueled and fought fiercely that day, thinking our Protective Charms around us could not be breached. But a very determined person had followed us and cast off our charm to see what was to be invisible to the world. There we were, both in formidable black, dueling and hexing with amazing speed. The spy gasped as I took hits and slashes from Severus without a reaction to pain. Then at times when I was able to block his jinxes, gave as well as I got. We were a spectacular sight of form, agility, grace, and speed.

***

Later, that night, a very determined Hermione sat up in the Gryffindor common room waiting patiently for Harry to return from his Detention with Umbridge. Her thoughts were all determined. She had it all figured out. Harry was going to teach whoever wanted to learn Defense against the Dark Arts in a real way! Just like how she had seen Professor Snape teach Mary in the Forest.

***

"Wandless Magic?" Severus exclaimed incredulously.

"Yes," I said resolutely. "I think you should consider it. After all, you've said yourself that wandless magic can give you an edge above your opponents. With my age, considering what's ahead, it would be reckless not to try."

We were back on our rooms after my dueling lesson. Severus had just finished applying dittany to my wounds, and I was busy repairing the tears on my clothes.

All I got in return was a derisive snort from my husband who stood darkly in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest.

"You do realize," he said condescendingly, "that it takes a considerable amount of effort and time to discipline oneself to that ability?"

I broke out in a confident grin. "Effort? Got it. Time...all I have is time. Why not?"

His dark mood did not change. "You can do extreme harm to yourself or anyone within close proximity if not executed properly. It is an art, not a whim that you think you can challenge yourself to accomplish. You are far too young, and I won't teach it to you."

I stood up to challenge him. "Then what becomes of me if I am disarmed? Disarmed and a wand is pointed at my chest? How do you propose I get out of that predicament?" I yelled at him.

"I would expect that by now, you would not be foolish enough to get yourself into such a dunderheaded situation! I would expect you to make sure your opponent never gained the upper hand!"

He is very angry, I noticed. No, not angry, I deduced. He's afraid.

I took the opportunity to manipulate the situation to my advantage. "I see the fear in you, Severus. You are scared that's exactly what will happen to me. Admit it!" I demanded.

I went too far. He grabbed my arm and drew me to him. "You and I need to get some things squared away," he growled. He threw me from him and I fell onto the sofa.

Immediately, as I fell on the sofa, I saw the regret on his face. "I apologize for getting...physical." He began to pace back and forth, as if he were unsure what to say to me. I watched him, tensely, waiting to jump and run out of reach if need be.

"I have reached an impasse. I don't know what to do or how to proceed from here." He refused to meet my eyes. I released my guard. He was acting...disappointed.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "What has upset you? Is it that I'm still not where you hoped I'd be with my training?"

He smiled slightly.

"You are an innocent. Truly, no matter what has happened to you, you are still a very innocent and pure girl." He emphasized the word girl.

Now I was angry. "I'm no girl!" I shouted, using my deep raspy voice to run home my point.

He gave a snort as he walked over to me. He got so close, close as the day he'd kissed me. Slowly, but with force, put his arms around me in a lover's embrace. His one arm wrapped itself around my waist while the other wound its way the back of my neck. He drew me in, crushing my breasts against his chest. My body went rigid and my face turned towards the wall.

He whispered sultrily in my ear, "I have grown to care and deeply respect you, more than I should or ever wanted. You don't look like a girl, nor have your experiences helped me stay in the reality that you are only eighteen. I don't want to lose you. I want you badly. My hope is for one day you to look at me and not be repulsed. Do you think you could ever care for me or desire me in return?"

My throat constricted and he jumped back from me. I retched violently on the floor. I was so humiliated and angry I didn't think. I grabbed my wand and screamed, "Incarcerous!" Ropes burst forth from my wand. Snape blocked my hex and the ropes fell to the floor. He muttered, "Evanesco", and the ropes disappeared. He sighed as I collapsed onto the floor, exhausted.

He stood over me and then squatted down to pick up my wand. I was paralyzed, not from any spell, but my own fear.

"Mary, I will not ever touch you like that again, EVER... unless you specifically ask me to. I just needed you to understand, without a doubt, my feelings for you."

"I trusted you," I whispered.

He lifted me up from the floor and cast a Scrourgifying Charm to clean up my vomit. He then sat me on the sofa. He sat next to me and clasped his hands together between his legs. His head was bowed in thought.

"I needed to know where I stood with you. I admit my approach may have been wrong. Mary, do you have any feelings for me in a way a wife could have for her husband?"

I shook my head, laughing. "I told Hermione, that one day you would think, 'Hey, what's in it for me?'"

He shook his head as in an emphatic no.

"Whatever, Severus!" I snapped as I got up from him. "Why is it always sex with you men? It's disgusting. What I did for you when you came back from being tortured and I cleansed your body and held you and touched you...that was REAL. Now, what? You want to break it down to...climbing on top of me rutting like a pig?'

'STOP!" he hollered. "This conversation is over. I apologize. It will never happen again."

"Severus, I don't want to sleep in this bed with you. Please let's go back to how it was," I said, shaking all over. I glanced up at him and saw the embarrassment, humiliation, and pain etched on his face. But, he acquiesced, without a word. I felt immediate disgust for the words I said. But, what do I know? Isn't that what sex is: a man dominating you, forcing himself inside you?

He strode angrily to the bathroom and did not return for quite some time. It was so silent in the room. I thought I heard a strange noise emit from the bathroom. Shortly after, Severus returned in his nightshirt, ready for bed.

I was so confused and scared. I never had the energy to think about anything other than surviving. He brought over my potion, but I wasn't ready to stop my thoughts. It was probably midnight when I called out to him.

"Severus?"

"Yes?" he answered.

"I like dueling with you. I feel more comfortable when we are sparring, when I'm on my guard. It's like we're on equal footing. And, I like it when we laugh. You're my friend, my teacher, and my mentor. I was just getting used to that. Why does it have to change?"

"It doesn't. Don't think that it does."

"But you said you were at an impasse," I reminded him.

"No longer, Mary. I am a man. And it's important for you to understand that a REAL man does not force himself on a woman, in ANY manner. My issues and difficulties, I shall handle privately, do not bother yourself over them. Alright?"

"Okay," I said confidently. "Then you can come back to the bed."

"Not tonight, Mary. Tomorrow. Take your potion."

Then, I slept.

***

Christmas time was approaching and I found it extremely depressing. I missed my Mum, and also it marked the anniversary of my marriage to Severus. We had returned to our normal routine after that disastrous conversation, but the easiness and familiarity was gone. I knew that my husband had grown to care for me as a woman, but he felt very conflicted about it since I was so young. I noticed my body was changing again. My breasts grew larger and my hips became rounder and fuller.

Ever since I started developing at sixteen, I had always looked a little older, but now I was positively without a doubt a woman. After all, in April I would be nineteen. I actually was able now to spend time naked in front of the mirror and examine these changes. I was enthralled at the fullness and width of my chest and hips. I had now a true hourglass figure. Hermione had been right, the scars on my body were barely noticeable now. I still applied the salve in hopes one day they would disappear altogether.

I also was having the strangest feelings and physical sensations. Many times after being in close contact with Severus, I would feel tingles over my body and the hair on the back of my neck would prickle. I noticed my knickers became damp after we had been dueling or arguing. I also noticed my clothes were getting smaller, and then came the day my husband noticed it as well!

I had cast Clothing Charms to enlarge the circumference around my bust line, but it would only last so long. I wasn't very good at it. I had noticed wearing my Muggle clothes were no better. Not only did my jeans no longer fit my hips but also my sweaters only accentuated my increased bosom. I had learned that the hard way! I had put it on, and when I had come out of the bathroom to eat breakfast, Severus kept on shifting his eyes and was trying very hard to not look at me. Finally, he had excused himself and went to the bathroom. I had heard a sharp moan. Oh my God! I remember thinking. So I had rushed to change my clothes and had applied a quick charm around the bustline before he returned. So, knowing what I knew now, my only recourse was to wear my dresses and charm the bodices. I had thought of taking one of Severus' robes to cover up with, but I had not gotten up the nerve to do so. Besides, he would have asked questions, and I had wanted to avoid the topic at all cost.

One day, as I worked on my Transfiguration lesson, I thought to myself, Soon I'm going to have to start binding my breasts again if I can't get these Clothing Charms to last longer!

"Mary," Severus called from the opposite side of the room where he had been sitting, reading.

"Yes?" I muttered, not looking up.

"Mary! Look at me!" he said sharply.

I looked up, cross that he used that tone with me.

"You are exposed!" he said with piercing eyes.

I swiftly looked down, and sure enough, my charm had vanished, and there I was in a bra that was far too small and my breasts shamelessly half-exposed for him to see, due to the bursting of the breasts through the now ripped buttons. I normally would have gone mental with fear and revulsion. Instead, I fought back a giggle that came from the back of my head. A thought passed in my mind that I wished he could have seen all of my breasts! The thought of the look on his face at the sight of my nipples DID cause me to giggle.

"Are you laughing?" he asked in a shocked voice.

I grasped the opening of my bodice and pressed it tight against me. "No," I said calmly, although my face felt so warm, I knew I was blushing.

"We need to talk about another shopping trip," Severus replied as he turned back to his book. I watched him and saw the corners of his mouth twitch. His eyes glanced back swiftly at me and saw I was staring at him.

"Mary," he drawled softly as he lowered his book. "Do you know how you are looking at me?" he asked seductively.

I was shocked. "What?" I asked.

"You were looking at me in a manner that was very blatant in its intent. Is there something you wish to share with me?"

My jaw dropped. How unfair that I should be so transparent! For I had been thinking about straddling his lap without my bodice so I could really show him how big my breasts had gotten.

"Can I put on one of your robes?" I asked.

"Of course," he replied, taking up his book again. "But, tomorrow, we are going back to Diagon Alley for more clothes."

"Pants, too?" I pushed.

"No", he said firmly with one eye glaring at me from the side of his book. "You are eighteen, Mary. It's time to be a woman."

***

"You are getting to be too good at this!" he panted.

We were taking advantage of the Christmas holidays for some outdoor sparring lessons. The deep snow gave us a challenge to keep moving quickly as we normally would.

"Protego", I shouted, repelling his hex. "Petrificus Totalus," I sounded back.

Severus blocked my hex again. He was laughing now.

"Accio Snape's Wand!" I screamed in fury at his laughter. His wand soared to me and I caught it deftly in my hand.

Snape stalked over to me menacingly. His eyes were dangerously dark and sultry. I was breathing hard now. He continued to come closer. I pointed my wand at his chest and he pushed into it.

"Now, what do you do, Mary?" he whispered.

"On your knees," I ordered.

"And what if I don't comply?" he dared.

"I will have no choice then to cast either an Imperius or Cruciatus Curse on you," I said coldly.

"You mean you don't already know?" he sounded off. His voice was starting to rise dangerously. "You must ALWAYS know what you need to do to win!"

"Fine, I choose Crucio," I answered decidedly.

Since I could not cast an Unforgivable without the entire Ministry of Magic descending upon me in a heartbeat, I lowered my wand and gave my husband back his. He bowed to me in acknowledgment that I had bested him. I stood rigid and proud as he lowered himself. I never felt so powerful and strong. I don't know what came over me. As he straightened himself, I closed the distance between us and took his hand and put it around my waist firmly.

He appraised my eyes and asked, "Do you know what you are doing?" he breathed.

"I want you to kiss me and then hold me like you did that night," I said huskily.

I was just as eager as he, and he tried to be gentle and easy, but I wanted to control this encounter. I wanted to dominate him, just how I had disarmed him by taking his wand, I wanted to takeover his senses. I bit his lip and he broke from me.

"Sex isn't to be retribution, Mary," he warned as he wiped his swollen lip.

I turned from him. I was angry. Finally, I whirled around and charged him. I was wild, punching his face as hard as I could. He threw me off and we began to battle in earnest. He tried not to hit me, but only defend himself from my assault. But as my wrath grew, he started to punch back in retaliation.

"Stop it!" he hollered.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I screamed.

He tried to grab my arms and I kicked him in the groin. He fell over in pain.

"Why didn't you protect me? Why did you let them do that to me? You should have killed them all! You should have...you were my teacher...you should have sheltered me THEN, not now!!" I shrieked as I fell on the ground, crying violently.

There I was on my knees, dusted with snow, railing and cursing at him. He came and tried to hold me, but I fought and slapped him until I could no longer fight.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry!" He said it over and over again as I wept. My tears mingled with the blood coming from my face. I thought my rage was over. I thought I could bypass the pain by fixating on caring for my husband's pain and feeding my need for revenge. I was wrong. But those words, coming from his mouth, were shockingly and strangely soothing.

I turned to face him and saw the blood on his face from where I had beaten him. Mixed in were his tears. I kissed him then and this time it was mindless abandon. No agenda, nothing to prove. I just wanted to be with him, like this, without thought, without circumstance. He responded wholeheartedly.

"Let's go home," he murmured. We walked off into the snow back to the castle wrapped around each other.

***

There were a lot of tears that night. I knew his body, I had seen him naked so many times, but he did not know mine. He took a long time to carefully worship every inch of my body. When he reached between my legs, I grabbed his wrist.

"I'm scared," I whispered through my tears. "W-what if it's not okay, what if you don't like it? I don't think I could stand it if...," I choked on my words.

"You're beautiful," he whispered. "I've wanted you so long, please let me show you how good it can feel."

He then lowered his head and began to kiss and stroke his tongue there, where before I had only known pain and humiliation, I was overcome with pleasure and sensations I never knew existed. I felt my body shake and a roar in my ears overtook me. From my toes to the top of my head I was liquid. I was crying and calling out my husband's name. Then my head felt so heavy. I was so tired. I fell into a deep sleep.

***

I awoke in the middle of the night with Severus holding me. He was awake and looking at me.

"Have you been awake this whole time?" I whispered groggily.

"No, I woke a little while ago."

I started to smile, remembering what had transpired. "Was that...did I?"

He smiled. "What do you think, Mary?" he teased.

"I know I'd like that again!" I answered greedily.

"Absolutely," he said enthusiastically as he held me tighter.

I wanted so badly to ask, but didn't know how. "A-am I normal down there?" I asked shyly.

"You're perfect," he reassured me.

"Yes, I know, you care about me, to you, I'm beautiful. But, I ask not as my husband, but as a man, looking at a woman, compared to women who haven't been, you know...am I?"

"Yes, Mary. You are normal. There are signs that some damage has been done, but think of women after they've had children. They are never the same, especially if the labor was difficult. Mary, you are more than your face, you are more than your vagina. Can you understand?" His eyes searched mine for any hint of understanding.

"I care for you, Mary," he said.

I looked into his eyes. "Do you want me?" I asked directly.

I knew he was shocked, but I didn't know any other way to broach the subject. He lowered his mouth into my neck, and a minute later, I heard him breathe a "yes" into my ear.

He went back down between my legs, and after I came, I felt something foreign slide inside me. He was on my side, whispering in my ear.

"It's only my finger. I'll go slow."

It wasn't a dream come true. It wasn't anything I expected either. I could tell he was afraid to show me his passion. He slowly eased himself inside me, talking me through the process, explaining what was happening and what he was going to do. I cried at the first part of his penetration. As he eased inside me, I winced and tensed up. He was careful to calm me and reminded me gently to relax. Soon though, he started to shake and I felt so badly for him. He was obviously loving how I felt, and wanted desperately to lose control, but he limited himself to slow delicate movements inside me. I was perfectly still, begging him not to stop talking to me. I needed badly to stay in the here and now.

At the end he could no longer speak. He was panting hard and gasping as he buried his face into my neck, his breath hot against my skin, his hands massaging my breasts. I knew he wanted to move faster and thrust deeper, but he knew he shouldn't. I turned my face to the wall, my face cringing; his noises were so like the noises I had heard during the rape. Then it was over, and I felt his release spread inside me. I started to breathe hard. He looked at me, scared and concerned. I wrapped my arms around my head; I wanted to hide my repulsion.

"Get it off me...get it off me!" I started yelling. I felt so dirty and filthy.

He cast a Cleansing Charm and I started to ease up and the tension began to subside.

"I'm sorry," I cried, embarrassed, unable to look at him. "Can you please cover me?"

"Of course." He pulled the duvet up to my neck. I moved away from him.

"I'm sorry, I need my space," I apologized, finally looking at him.

He shook his head. "I understand, I do," he reassured me. Then he said, "You did it."

I jerked my head towards him. I broke out into a timid smile.

"I did, I survived it! I like the other thing better, though."

He threw back his head in laughter. "If any other woman had said that...but I can appreciate that."

"Do you think it'll get better?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes," he said with complete confidence. "You should be very proud of yourself. You did rather well for your first time."

I turned to my side to face him. I pushed his curtain of hair back behind his ear. "Your efforts are to be commended as well, husband. I appreciate your self-control."

To that, he blew out a lung full of breath and sank on his back. "That was so hard...you felt so good."

I scooted back down into my pillow. I felt like a Cheshire cat!