One Small Step

Hermione awoke late in the morning to the sound of tapping on her window. It took her a moment for the tapping to register and another moment for her to realise that she was fully clothed and bent at an awkward angle on her sofa. A moment after that, she remembered why. The events of the previous night slowly began to seep back into her consciousness, and she groaned – half out of the pain in her twisted neck and half out of sheer frustration.

Once again, she pondered the words she'd said to Snape, this time without the sharp sting of his baseless and cruel accusations – at least to a lesser extent. Being called a whore by someone she wanted to respect would probably sting for a long time. It made it that much worse to know that he couldn't possibly actually believe most of the things he said to her. It hurt to know that Severus Snape wanted to cause her pain. She knew it shouldn't. She knew that deep down he was just a lonely, bitter man and that what he said to her shouldn't matter. But it did. She couldn't understand why, and that frustrated her all the more, but all the same, his words mattered to her.

She felt as though her thoughts were taking her in maddening circles.

The tapping grew louder and more insistent. She slowly extracted herself from the cushions that had swallowed her, careful not to aggravate her muscles even further. She stretched and made a half-hearted attempt to straighten her clothing.

The owl at her window seemed to take every second she wasn't walking to greet him as a personal insult and began to screech angrily.

"All right!" Hermione groused. "You can stop that. I'm coming."

She opened the window, and the owl landed on the sill. He stuck his leg out pointedly and glared at her as if to say, "Took you long enough."

A small, yellowish envelope was removed from his leg before Hermione retrieved a few owl treats from her kitchen for him. He seemed to be slightly mollified by her offering and gave a begrudging hoot of 'thanks.'

"You're welcome."

Hermione opened the letter and smiled at the familiar, barely legible writing of her sometimes boyfriend, Mitch Bagley.

Mitch or, as Harry and Ron were fond of calling him to Hermione's supreme consternation, 'Missionary Mitch' worked for the Ministry of Magic on the Committee of Experimental Charms.

He was a few years older than Hermione. He'd been a Hufflepuff, a fact that only added fuel to the fire in the eyes of Harry and Ron.

"It's not that there's anything wrong with being a Hufflepuff," they'd say. "It's just that, well... he's a bit boring, isn't he?"

Hermione's folded arms and tapping foot usually headed them off before they found their own feet permanently lodged in their mouths, but only until the next time Mitch said or did something in their presence that reminded them of Percy Weasley.

Hermione found that Mitch suited her. She wasn't looking for marriage or even true love. Mitch was reserved, considerate, laid back, and intelligent. She never had to dumb herself down for him. They shared a common love of knowledge and literature that Hermione found stimulating. She'd met him shortly after her short-lived relationship with Ron had tanked. Now, that had been nobody's best idea...

Her schoolgirl crush on Ron had been a strong enough distraction to last until the end of the final battle, but after that... well, to say they'd gone in different directions would be putting it gently. The one time they'd had sex should have given Hermione an early clue that their relationship was destined for the dumps. She'd been so disappointed that she hadn't even bothered to correct Ron afterwards when he'd proudly said, "You're welcome."

She'd met Mitch at a celebration party about an hour after she'd heard Ron making a blatant pass at Hannah Abbott. She'd called it quits, like she'd wanted to do for months, and after a few weeks of awkwardness, things had gone back to normal. They'd been friends ever since.

She'd been cynical about sex until she'd decided to give Mitch a chance to prove her experience with Ron wasn't the standard. He had. Sex with Mitch was... pleasant. It was fun. Mitch would never be the beast of sensual passion that she'd read about in the occasional romance novel, but he always made sure sex was enjoyable enough for her. She had a shrewd idea that the men in those stories were a myth. They had to be.

Hermione began to read the note he'd sent her.

Dear Hermione,

Mitch

Hermione smiled slightly as she tucked the message back inside the envelope and tossed in onto the counter. Mitch was a good friend. She knew he was right; giving thought to Snape's words was letting him win. That's what he wanted after all. She resolved not to think about it, at least for now.

Hermione's morning routine went by quickly, and soon she found herself entering the Great Hall for a late breakfast. Much to her annoyance, she found herself looking for Snape. He wasn't there.

~*~*~*~

He was in his rooms, contemplating the mess that was his life and how to clean it up. Much as it galled him, he knew that the first thing in order was an apology to Hermione Granger. In the light of the morning, he could admit to himself that he'd gone too far. He thought about his anger toward her and felt himself tense a bit, but then he asked himself why he hated her so much. He didn't have an answer.

It just hurt. There was so much that hurt that he couldn't figure what was what or why.

One thing did come to his mind, not an answer, just something that his mind had produced at the thought of his pain. A fact. He hadn't been to the Astronomy Tower in more than four years, not since he'd... well, not for a long time. Even on his nighttime patrols spent catching trysting students, he left that place alone. He'd told himself that it was because it was too much of a bother to go all that way and that the students had learned not to go there, but he knew it was a lie. His mind knew the real reason, and he knew it was time to face it. He'd been running. As hard as it would be to stop running, he knew he didn't want to live like this for the rest of his miserable existence.

One step at a time, he told himself. First, apologize to Granger; then, go to the Tower.

He didn't really know where to find her this late in the morning, but he figured it probably wasn't wise to try to change one's life on an empty stomach.

Several minutes and several properly chastised students later, he found himself entering the Great Hall. He looked for Granger as he walked, though he didn't expect to find her. But there she was. He was careful not to betray the nervous uncertainty that filled him. He really didn't know what he was going to say. She was in her usual seat, seemingly oblivious to anything but her breakfast and the newspaper in her hand.

Severus hesitated only a moment before taking his place next to her. Part of him was slightly afraid that she would drop all pretense of professionalism and hex his balls off. Part of him knew he would deserve it if she did. But if she noticed him at all, she didn't let on. He helped himself to some assorted foods and uncomfortably began to eat.

Say something to her... he ordered himself.

What should I say? What can I say?

Anything! Just say something!

He cleared his throat. "Miss Granger."

She didn't even blink.

Severus scowled, feeling stung. Of course, he thought bitterly. He'd known it wouldn't be easy, but still... he was making an effort here. The least she could do was acknowledge him.

But she doesn't know that, he reminded himself. She'd be perfectly justified in getting up and walking away or worse. She probably thinks you're going to insult her again.

As tempting as that was, he was trying to accomplish something here. He gritted his teeth and tried again. Gods, this was excruciating...

"Miss Granger."

She still didn't respond. Just keep going... He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"Miss Granger... Herm..."

"What do you want, Snape?" she said flatly, still not looking at him.

He bit his tongue...hard. "I wondered if I might have a word."

"Oh?" she asked, arching an eyebrow. "Which word? 'Idiot' or 'whore'? 'Waste of space'? That's actually three words..."

Severus was gritting his teeth harder than ever.

"Whatever the word is, Snape, I suggest you get it out and leave me alone. I'm busy."

I'd love to. "Woman!" he snapped, his temper getting the better of him. "I'm trying to apologise to you. If you'd close that mouth of yours, you'd know that!"

At this, Hermione turned to him fully, her eyebrows disappearing into her hairline. "You're what?"

"You bloody well heard me," he ground out.

She just stared at him. He watched the emotions play out on her face as she went from shocked, to suspicious, to angry.

"I see," she said, lips thinning. "Listen, I don't know what your angle is, but if you think you can just..."

"There is no angle, Miss Granger," he said. "I just need to... apologise for the way I've treated you." He said it as though it were a dirty word.

"Really." She clearly didn't believe him.

"Yes, really." He sighed. This was costing him. "Miss Granger, I realise that I have been taking some of my... frustration... out on you. I'm... I... perhaps I went a bit too far last night." He fell silent, not knowing what else to say.

Hermione stared at him evenly before speaking. "You call that an apology, Snape?"

He narrowed his eyes. "If you are expecting me to get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, keep dreaming, Miss Granger. That's the best I..."

She held up her hand. "Just wait a second. Let's assume for a moment that I believe you to be sincere, which I don't; I mean, I don't know what your game is, but how could you expect me to believe you are suddenly feeling remorseful? What, you woke up this morning and thought, 'Gee, I've been a complete bastard to Hermione Granger for no good reason. I should probably apologise.'? I don't think so. Still, assuming I believe you are sincere, that was still the most pathetic excuse for an apology I've ever heard. You didn't even say you were sorry! You 'realise you've been taking some of your frustration out on me'? 'Perhaps you went a bit too far'? Give me a break!"

What did you think, Severus? That she was going to take your hand in hers and pronounce you forgiven? That she'd understand?

Severus had grown increasingly angry as her speech went on and was now breathing heavily through his nose, clenching his jaw. He wasn't about to tell her that the reason for his change of heart was her words. He'd made an effort. If she didn't want to believe him, if she wasn't capable of behaving like an adult, then that was her problem. He stood up suddenly, scowling at her, his food forgotten.

"Fine. I tried to apologise to you, and you've thrown it back in my face. Thank you for proving me right. Good day, Miss Granger." He spun and left the room as smoothly as he had entered, robes billowing, scowl firmly in place. He heard Hermione's aggravated growl as he opened the doors to leave, but he ignored it.

He had more important things to do.

~*~*~*~

Hermione, for her part, stared angrily at her plate, huffing in frustration. She felt as though she'd missed something important, but she didn't know what. There was a tiny, niggling part of her that was saying she'd handled the whole thing badly. It was warring with her anger at Snape, her disbelief that he was truly sorry, and another niggling part of her that said, 'Maybe he is.' She wanted to scream.

She stood and walked out of the Hall abruptly, leaving the few remaining students and teachers to wonder what had gone on to make their professors behave in such a fashion.

Several minutes later found Hermione in her quarters, pacing and muttering furiously.

"Impossible man... First, he treats me like rubbish for months, and then he calls me whore. Then... I... Gah!" She threw up her hands in exasperation. "Insufferable... bogus... maddening... bastard!"

This went on for quite a while until Hermione flopped herself down unceremoniously on the sofa and really began to think. That tiny, niggling part of her was still demanding that she think this through. What if he really had been sincere? It was beyond unlikely, considering... everything, but what if he was truly sorry? A part of her, the part that still wanted to respect and admire the man, the part that had been hurt by his comments, wanted to believe he was actually remorseful.

Another part reminded her that he was a bastard who enjoyed causing her pain, and if she believed him, she'd just be opening herself up for another attack, for more pain. She didn't know what to think or do. What if this was the change she'd been waiting for? What if he was really ready to live? Again, it was unlikely – she couldn't see any reason for such a sudden turnabout – but it was possible. Anything was possible.

After a while of her thoughts taking her in circles, she finally came to a conclusion.

It wasn't safe to accept Snape at face value. If she lowered her defenses too far, he'd most likely use her trust against her. He'd hurt her again. However, if he truly was changing, if he truly was sorry for treating her horribly, it just might be worth the risk. She was still angry, but maybe she could give him a chance. And maybe, if he let her, she could help him.

Mind, she'd be very careful, but she thought she could give him the benefit of the doubt, at least enough to hear him out.

Her decision made, she pulled out a quill and began to write. Several minutes later, a house-elf delivered a small envelope to Severus Snape. He wasn't in, but the elf left it in a place where he would find it.

~*~*~*~

Severus stood at the base of a twisting flight of stone stairs. After leaving the Great Hall, he'd reminded himself of his resolve to take small steps. The first step hadn't worked out so well, but there was nothing he could do about that. The next step was going to lead him to a place he really, really didn't want to be, but he knew he had to take it. So here he was, standing, waiting, battling with himself.

Just do it, Severus. It's just a place. Just do it, you coward. DO IT!

He climbed the stairs resolutely and, after taking several deep breaths, pushed the door open.

The Tower was as it had always been. Nothing had changed. Only Severus had changed. He took one step over the threshold and froze as the memories of that night slammed into him. His eyes were drawn to the edge, and his mind screamed as it saw Albus Dumbledore fly over, glowing in bright green light.

Severus gasped, stumbled backwards, and ran. He'd been stupid to think he could do this, to think it was just a place. It wasn't just a place. It would never again be just a place.

The further away from the tower he got, the more easily he was able to breathe. But even as the memories quieted and his mind stopped screaming, a feeling of hopelessness enfolded him. He'd been foolish to think he could change. He hadn't been strong enough to face that place. He hadn't even been strong enough to force himself to truly apologise. It was all too little, too late, he thought. He simply didn't know how to find the courage to change.

This thought overwhelmed him as he entered his chambers. As he closed the door behind him, his eyes fell upon a plain, white envelope addressed simply to Severus. He picked it up and opened it, unfolding the parchment with shaking fingers.

Severus,

Hermione

Severus blinked. For reasons he couldn't begin to explain, he felt the weight on his shoulders lessen slightly. Just reading her words, suddenly it didn't seem so impossible anymore. She'd made it sound easy. And she'd given him the next small step to take. Treat her like a human being for a week. He could do that. It was a small thing, and for that reason, he could do it. He could let go of his pride, and he could do it.

He didn't know if he'd be able to ask for help, but maybe after he took this small step, the next one wouldn't seem so impossible.

For the first time in a long time, Severus felt he could breathe.

Author's Notes: First things first. Thanks go to Southern_Witch_69 for her awesome beta skills and for her encouraging feedback. I was a little nervous about this chapter, and she put my mind at ease. Thanks, Sun. :)

This story has already gotten a huge response, so thank you all for that. It means a lot to me. I hope that this chapter and the chapters to come do not disappoint.