Chapter 15 - Sleight of Hand

This chapter is for "Ms Piggie" for her inspiring challenge

Many readers have been berating me (in emails) for the kiss in the previous chapter being "sudden". Others have told me that I was careless to omit Hermione's reaction. So, let me clarify: The kiss was not all that sudden. It was a calculated impulse on our hero's part. But I concede that our heroine was initially taken aback by it. Notice, I said, initially. If you read carefully, you will notice that it says, "When the shock left her and he felt her responding in kind, he pulled back, suddenly frightened" Make what you will of that.

A/N: For simplicity's sake, titles of books, journals etc are underlined and emphases are italicised.

Beyond Time and Space

Chapter 15 – Sleight of Hand

An opportunity for launching his so-called 'revenge' could not fail to occur. Severus had been in the company of Peeves, Hermione, Dumbledore and Minerva individually often enough to have an opinion as to his plan. It was soon decided that the arrangements with Peeves would be sprung on Friday, a day before the resurrection attempt. Friday morning came all too soon and Severus was unusually fraught with trepidation. He had been at the meeting place since dawn and was still unable to steady his nerves. This was the first time that he was undertaking a role different from that which he was accustomed to. The satisfaction that his 'vengeance' would be exacted, however, was too tempting not to ignore and he soon overcame his fears for a while. He recalled the conversation with Dumbledore with disdain. "I'm not a suitor! As if I need encouragement! I take what I want if I deem it worth my interest! He wants to give me encouragement? Bah! Encouragement, eh?" he muttered to himself, his bravado running high.

He was so excitable in his fervent pacing that Mrs Norris scampered away in fright at his rapidly moving figure. "I'll show him encouragement!" He rubbed his hands together briskly in anticipation at the deed, as he ranted lowly, "So, Dumbledore wants to feel involved? He'll be involved! That will teach him a lesson! How dare he patronise me? What am I – a child? Bloody nosy parker, can't he keep his blasted nose out of my private affairs! I don't care two sickles for his private business and he prods in mine! I know too much of his personal matters because he talks so. And what do I do? The decent thing! I remain silent. The things that I know about him are worthy of scandal sheets worse than the Daily Prophet! I don't act on my desires to set some of his nonsense right! Why does he want to meddle in mine? Why cannot he stay out of my affairs! If I need advise or help, I will turn to him and McGonagall! I have done so in the past! Until I ask for help, do not offer it! Arrogance! Sheer arrogance! So he thinks he's all knowing! Ha! But he's not omniscient!"

Severus was so far from being weary of reflecting upon Dumbledore's intrusive ways that he gave full vent to his railing in solitude. He was grateful, of course, to Dumbledore's attention, but he would not alter his design; and Peeves' concurrence had been readily gained, everything relative to this scheme was arranged as far as could be. He speculated that Dumbledore's actions could likely be attributed to obligation and comforted himself by relating these deeds to his mother's teachings. He scowled in distaste for he did not approve of 'obligations' and 'favours'. He saw them as things resulting in his slavery. "So, the headmaster thinks he can do me a paltry favour and I will be in his debt! Unlikely! He will not catch me in such a trap! He is mistaken if he thinks he can extend me more alleged favours and kindness so as render me further beholden unto him. But what is he trying to give me?"

He pondered on the matter, cursing the fact that he had been unsuccessfully trying to teach Hermione the same. She had laughed when he told her that gift giving was purely an exchange for the sake of mutual benefit. He had told her, "All human relationships are reciprocal and that is why we are all made use of and using others." She had conceded that it could be true in certain circumstances but had refused to see it in the educational context. Severus sighed bitterly – when would Hermione see that such experiences only feed the mind and body with an unhealthy occupation with the self, thereby impoverishing one's experience?

These thoughts did not engage him for long as Peeves soon found him in the Great Hall at the appointed hour, looking paler than usual, still pacing nervously and wringing his hands.

"What's wrong, Snapey-poo?" razzed Peeves in a high-pitched squeal.

"Don't call me that again!" he snarled in warning.

The poltergeist chortled, clapping his hands. "Would you be nervous, Snivellus?"

Severus's upper lip curled in disdain. "Don't call me that either!"

"All right, Potions Master," Peeves cackled, tossing his head as he spun round in circles wildly. "Everything is fine. There is nothing to worry about, absolutely nothing!"

"Are you not worried?" asked Severus, frowning deeply as if considering the imprudence of their plan.

"Petrified!" laughed Peeves.

"Really!" warned the spectre, narrowing his eyes suspiciously in disbelief at the maddeningly irreverent poltergeist.

Peeves stopped spinning and grinned. "Worried? Frightened? Of what?" he laughed, dodging the Potions Master's waving hand.

"What? What?" snapped Severus lowly, "Of being expelled! Of being exorcised"

"Dumbledore has never tried to expel or exorcise me. He wouldn't expel or exorcise you! Stop overreacting, worrywart!" said Peeves matter-of-factly, imitating his companion's dismissive flick of the wrist.

Severus stopped pacing and stared at the perfectly earnest poltergeist. "You presume too much!" he growled, turning abruptly to face his temporary ally.

"You know what your problem is, Potions Master?" began the poltergeist flatly with great vexation.

His eyes narrowed dangerously as he folded his arms and wrapped his ethereal robe about himself. "What? Shock me; Surprise me; tell me something about myself that I do not already know? I have heard all the possible epithets my students, ex-students and colleagues have christened me behind my back. I have long been acquainted with all the insults levelled at me! I have heard things about in such words and tones that even you and Mundungus Fletcher would blush to use!"

"Do you want to hear it or not?" challenged Peeves rolling his eyes over and over.

"Pray, see if you can enlighten me," invited Severus with a graceful beau geste.

"You're an insecure bastard! You take yourself, your existence and everything that you do too damn bloody seriously! All that makes Snapey-poo miserable and a painful bore to be around. No smiles, no jokes – so sad! Merlin knows you project that image," waved Peeves frantically as he ricocheted throughout the Great Hall, pouting at his inability to fathom Severus's mind. "That's nothing! You have worse things! You..." he lowered his voice in a conspiratorial whisper. "You don't know how to laugh at yourself. And it makes you miserable! Oh, poor Snapey-poo! That makes you hateful. You're nothing like the Weasley twins."

"And their mayhem is condoned – why?" Severus spat furiously, flicking a stray lock of hair from his face.

"The twins are not malicious. I am not malicious. Hasn't our experience with the Umbrage woman taught you anything?" cried an annoyed Peeves bouncing before his companion.

"Her name was Umbridge," he corrected.

"It doesn't matter what her name is or was. She's dead and gone," cackled the poltergeist. After receiving another contemptuous look, he added, "Dumbledore knows how and when to laugh at himself. That is one of the reasons why he never got rid of me. You're no different from nasty Filch!"

"I am nothing like that Squib!" declared Severus indignantly as he mulled over Peeves' words. "You cannot hope to understand human things like: What is pious; what is impious? What is noble; what is base? What is just; what is unjust? What is moderation; what is madness? What is courage; what is cowardice? What is a city; what is a statesmen? What is rule over human beings; what is a skilled ruler of human beings? Do you know anything of the knowledge that makes men gentlemen? Those, who ignorant of them, as you are, would justly be called slavish."

"Never mind if you don't get it!" shrugged the poltergeist.

"Have we everything we need?" asked the spectre adroitly, bringing their mission to the fore.

"Can we get it done before he gets back?"

"Given you skills in this region, I am confident that we will," said Severus coldly.

"La!" guffawed Peeves. "Goody good good!" He rubbed his hands gleefully as a mad glint appeared in his eyes before his voice took on a serious tone. "How long do we have?"

"One hour," was the calm reply as Severus led the way to Dumbledore's office. "He always walks out with McGonagall on fine days to Greenhouse Seven."

Peeves' interest in this piece of information was marked by a chortle. "How come Minnie Minty's over there all the time? Is she in luuv with him?" he laughed as he threw his arms around the stone gargoyle and started kissing it with loud smacks. After the third kiss, he was flung back with tremendous force to a wall as if struck with an impediment jinx. "Ow! What was that!"

Severus snarled, baring his teeth, "You damnable ghoul! Do you want the office to lock itself against us?" He glowered. "Finite incantatem! Hichews."

"Hichews?" giggled Peeves, watching Severus with awe.

"Muggle confection, very sweet, very chewy, disgustingly noisome – far too much saccharine," explained the spectre, curling his lips in distaste. "Get to work now, before he returns," he instructed as he proceeded to perform his arranged role in the office proper.

* * *

If his nails were not gnarled to begin with, he would have bitten them into such a condition. Severus was anxiously waiting like a schoolboy for Hogsmead weekends. He hoped that he had not been too rash in his 'revenge plot'. His mind alternated between two thoughts: he hoped that the scheme would come to fruition and that Dumbledore would not be too cross. He had no desire to receive the sack. After all, the great Slytherin Headmaster, Phineas Nigellus had said that Slytherins always valued self-preservation over courage. Severus did not have to dwell long on these thoughts for Dumbledore returned to his gargoyle at precisely ten o'clock.

Peeves and Severus watched from behind a pillar as Dumbledore lightly warbled his password. As the gargoyle slipped aside, a bucket of thickened gillyweed goo poured itself over his head. While the charm Severus put in the bucket caused the Headmaster to spin uncontrollably counter-clockwise into office, the poltergeist and the Potions Master followed him into the said room. The first, struggled to stifle his cackle; the second, suppressed a smirk of satisfaction. The office, however, was in pandemonium. Fawkes, the phoenix, had hidden under the safety of the desk and rightly so. Books were flapping like birds of prey as they swooped down on the old man, who had, by then, wiped the gillyweed concoction from his eyes and spectacles. The second wave of flying books took this as a signal to pelt Dumbledore's secret stash of skittles and murray mints on him. The sight of a sticky greyish-green Dumbledore with blotches of goo on his robe and colourful sweets adhering to his hair, beard and clothes was too much for Peeves who flew around the choreographed chaos chortling heartily. Severus, on his part, stopped his unnatural lopsided smirk as if suddenly aware that he had bared his imperfect teeth – for good reason too. Dumbledore had caught sight of him and there was no indulgent twinkle in his eyes.

"Finite incantatem. Scourgify cubiculum," said Dumbledore, gesturing for Severus to approach, oblivious to Peeves' maniacal laughter. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" questioned the Headmaster sternly.

"Your meddling ways," sniggered Severus quietly between his teeth as he met Dumbledore's hard gaze.

"About Hermione?" He received no reply from the spectre. "I see," he murmured, nodding sagely to himself, as he pulled a murray mint from his beard before popping it in his mouth. "My boy, I have only one thing to say to you!"

"Please do not discharge me," Severus thought frantically, unable to growl the half apology at the tip of his tongue. Instead, he chose to smirk with equanimity.

"In the words of the Mr Weasleys – that was bloody brilliant!" Dumbledore laughed, his eyes tearing a little with mirth. "Jolly good, Severus! You're learning to take yourself with a pinch of levity."

Stunned by this admission, Severus stumbled into Dumbledore's chair and tried to smirk weakly at the chortling poltergeist and the laughing mess that was the Headmaster.

Footnotes

The following lines were taken from Xenophon's Memorabilia: "What is pious; what is impious? What is noble; what is base? What is just; what is unjust? What is moderation; what is madness? What is courage; what is cowardice? What is a city; what is a statesmen? What is rule over human beings; what is a skilled ruler of human beings? Do you know anything of the knowledge that makes men gentlemen? Those, who ignorant of them, as you are, would justly be called slavish."

The conversation between Severus and Peeves was inspired by my beloved's PhD thesis on Justice and Friendship in Xenophon's Memorabilia.

I happen to like murray mints, hence, the reference to them.