Is That A Banana In Your Hammock, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

AN: Michmak: Sorry for the delay in getting this to you, but we did promise an extra long chapter - so, here you go. This is still an incredibly fun/ridiculous story but since I live for puns and outrageous comedy and Zambi likes to humor me, I'm really enjoying myself on this one.

AN: Zambi: Actually, I like to think that I contributed a bit to the comedy. Okay, who am I kidding? I give the bones, Mich gives the meat. Of course, I give the bones while Mich yells at me on AIM. I kid. Anyway, here it is, without further ado! Enjoy!

Snape couldn't tell if he was uncomfortable because of his swimshorts, or if it was because his brother was sitting across from him, looking incredibly comfortable in his own shorts, drinking a margarita that he had expertly prepared. In the midst of his discomfort, however, Snape found himself intrigued by his brother. Flavius had explained as he mixed the drinks that he had tended a Muggle bar after their father had thrown him out of the house. He even went so far as to impress Hermione (his "lovely sister" as he called her) by throwing the tequila bottle around as though it were a baton. He finished off her drink by throwing a slice of lime over his shoulder from behind his back, and it landed perfectly in the middle of her glass.

Xanadu, he found, was flamboyant when he was nervous, but as he relaxed into his company, Snape was relieved to find that his exaggerated persona was put on the backburner, and a very nice, intelligent man took over in its place. He still said things that made him and Hermione blush, but not quite as obnoxiously as he had been.

Hermione for her part was doing everything she could to kill him. He still wasn't sure if what she was wearing could be construed as a bathing suit, as it seemed to show more skin than it covered up, and he was more than aware that a small flick of two of his hands would have the two skimpy pieces of cloth falling away in a matter of seconds. Her hair was another story all together. In the humid sea air, it took on a life of its own, curling even more wildly than it did in the mists of Scotland, framing her valentine-shaped face in a very becoming way. He didn't have to imagine how it felt against his skin, as she was constantly leaning against him, her flesh against his, her silky curls tickling his shoulders and neck. Every time she touched him, his shorts grew that much more uncomfortable, as did his mental discomfort.

"How did you two ever meet?" Hermione asked, breaking Snape from his reverie.

Flavius and Xanadu eyed each other before breaking into laughter.

"You tell them," Xanadu insisted.

"No, you tell it better."

"You're his brother."

Flavius laughed again, his tanned skin turning a deep shade of red. "You tell it, Xan. I insist."

Xanadu rolled his eyes and set his glass down, as if preparing to tell an epic saga instead of just a simple story about how he found Flavius.

"Flav and I both found a group of Muggles in America, in a town called San Francisco. There are other places in America that gays and lesbians meet up at, but they call San Francisco the "Mecca"."

"We had to look up what "Mecca" meant, and it had us laughing. That's what the Castro was like to us, more spiritual than anything else," Flavius added in.

"So true," Xanadu agreed. "Well, it was obvious to both of us that we weren't Muggles like so many of the other people in the group that we joined. There were a few other wizards, and two witches, but Flavius and I just totally hit it off. Plus, we were both from Europe while most of the others in our group were from the American continent."

"Oh-I've noticed that you don't have an English accent-where are you from originally?" Hermione asked, straightening up and making her breasts more prominent. Snape looked away.

"Deutschland," Xanadu said proudly. "I'm just a big bratwurst underneath," he giggled, looking over at Flavius who was smirking and attempting to look disapproving at the same time.

Snape stifled a sigh, and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Go on, Xanadu," she said as she brought her glass to her lips.

"Well, the group we were in-mostly Muggle-started talking about going to see a wizard in Oz."

Snape noticed that Hermione stifled a giggle behind her hand as she brought it to her mouth.

"Oz?" she asked incredulously. "As in The Wizard of Oz?"

Xanadu frowned at Hermione. "Exactly. You know about that?"

"She's Muggle-born, remember?" Flavius countered.

"What is all this?" Snape asked aloud, feeling very put-out all of the sudden. The other three at the table seemed to be a part of a joke that he did not understand.

"Don't tell him yet," Xanadu said. "Let's wait until the end of the story so that he'll understand how his Pureblood brothers felt."

Snape couldn't fathom how going to Australia could bring about mortification.

"So, we thought we were going to Australia.. And of course, we all had to pretend to be Muggles and travel the Muggle way, which was how Flav and I found out the thrill of riding about on a motorbike."

"Not quite as thrilling when one is riding cross-country, mind."

"No, but I love the chaps. Anyway, we went from San Francisco to someplace called Oregon-Portland, Oregon-with a large group, all dressed up in costumes. There were many parties where we were dressed in these costumes, and let me tell you, they weren't parties that you could get angry because someone else chose your outfit, there were only four to choose from."

Hermione's giggles turned into all-out laughter. "You were Dorothy, and Flavius was the Tin Man, right?"

Flavius frowned. "How did you know?"

Snape felt his temper rise. "Who is Dorothy, and what does a tin man have to do with anything? And what's all this about four costumes?"

Xanadu held up four fingers and ticked them off as he spoke. "Dorothy. The Tin Man. The Lion. The Scarecrow."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Can I continue now, dearest brother?" Xanadu asked sweetly. Snape gave a nod of consent. "At each party, they talked about how we had to find Glinda The Good Witch and the Wizard of Oz. It sounded odd to Flavius and I, and we began to wonder if there were fewer Muggles in our group than we originally suspected. Eventually, we ended up in someplace called Kansas where we met up with Glinda, a drag queen with far too much makeup, and a wand that had a star at the end of it. Talk about your disappointments."

"And this wizard?" Snape prompted.

"Well, this is the part that found Flav and me blushing from cock to brow, apparently, the entire thing is a Muggle movie called "The Wizard of Oz", which they showed us while playing Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd. While interesting, it had nothing to do with magic, and I couldn't see how watching it, as interesting as it was, could be worth going all the way to Kansas in the middle of winter!"

Hermione finally erupted into giggles. "I just have to know," she breathed, "if you kept your ruby slippers?"

Xanadu crossed his arms over his bare chest and attempted to look affronted. "One does not give up his best accessories simply out of disappointment. I have many fond memories of those slippers." He looked over at Flavius with extreme devotion written on his face.

"As do I," Flavius answered, kissing his husband's hand.

Hermione turned to Snape and kissed his shoulder before she rubbed her nose against it in an affectionate gesture.

"So," Flavius said after a moment of comfortable silence. "How did you two meet?"

Severus looked at Hermione and cocked an eyebrow at her. If anything, this should be interesting. Keeping a purposely bland look on his face he looked at Flavius. "I better let Hermione tell that story."

The witch in question grinned at him. "I tell it better than you anyway – you suck all the romance out of it!"

Xanadu laughed, "Romance? I didn't know Snape's knew how to be romantic..."

Flavius smirked, "Keep it up, Xanadu and you'll find out how true that is."

Hermione leaned forward and squeezed Severus' knee, "Severus is a huge romantic at heart – he just won't admit it."

Snape scowled at her, "Get on with it, woman. We don't have all day."

Hermione turned to Xanadu and Flavius, "Well, I suppose you both know that Severus was my professor at Hogwart's..."

"Oh, kinky!" Xanadu interrupted. "But I shouldn't be surprised – he is a Snape after all. Did he ever spank you for acting up in class?"

"Xan..." Flavius warned.

Hermione just laughed, "No, he never did. He yelled an awful lot though – still does, truth be told."

"So Hermione, where you hot for teacher?" Xanadu wiggled his eyebrows at her outrageously when he asked this, and Hermione laughed.

"I was eleven. The very first day of class, he completely ignored me and the rest of my time at Hogwarts he either ignored me or yelled at me or insulted my teeth."

"Sounds like a match made in hell," Flavius commented. "You must have hated him."

"Actually, no. I never hated him at all. I couldn't figure out why he was so harsh all the time, but he was a brilliant professor. I respected him."

Severus snorted, "You can tell the truth, Hermione. It won't hurt my feelings."

She turned to him, eyes wide and guileless, and squeezed his leg with her hand. The feel of her fingers gripping the lower part of his thigh was electric, and he cursed the mesh inside his swim trunks.

"I am telling the truth, Severus. I never hated you. Sometime you made me angry, of course. You could be very insulting...you often made me cry...but I never hated you."

Her words made him feel strangely warm and he glanced surreptitiously at his brother, only to see Flavius watching them intently.

"Anyway," Hermione turned back to the other two men, keeping her hand on his leg as she did so, "I'm not sure what you two know about what happened after Voldemort was finally defeated, but Wizarding Britain was in a mess. There had been many casualties, on both sides and, on top of it all, the birth rate had been in decline for years. There were some Wizards who believed that unless drastic measures were taken, there would be NO Wizards left in Britain within the next two or three generations. So, they introduced a 'Marriage Law.'"

Severus found himself as enthralled with Hermione's story as the other two were, although the hand stroking his leg was very distracting. Making mental notes of some of the more important things she was saying he found himself wondering, once again, what was going on.

"Marriage Law?" Flavius sneered, "what did they want to do – force people to marry and propagate?"

"Exactly that," Hermione answered. "Not only did they want to force marriages, they wanted to make sure that Wizarding blood was made stronger. The MoM decided that Half-bloods and Muggles could only marry Purebloods and vice versa. AND every Witch and Wizard over the age of 18 had to marry within six months, and anyone turning 18 had to marry within six months of their birthday. Lastly, in this preposterous plan, the MoM determined that only Purebloods could decide who to marry and make offers of marriage. If someone received an offer of marriage from a Pureblood family, they had to accept with three weeks unless other offers of marriage came in, in which case the person in question could choose."

"Bloody fair of them!" Flavius interjected, "Almost like auctioning people off to the highest bidder, as if they were pieces of meat."

Hermione heard Xanadu mutter under his breath, "You are a piece of meat," and tried to ignore it, even as a blush stained her cheeks.

"Are you telling me Severus put an offer in for you?" Flavius grinned at his brother, "Perhaps you were harboring secret affections for your student after all, eh?"

"No. It wasn't like that at all – he only agreed to marry me after the Crabbe family had put in an offer. I couldn't marry into that family – they're all Death Eaters. They would have killed me. Severus married me to save me, and he wasn't too happy about it at the time. Neither was I. The first few months were horrible – he rarely spoke to me and I was so upset about being forced to marry I'm afraid I wasn't too pleasant to be around either. But, eventually...we started talking. He let me help him with some of his research and gave me access to his library. We would have the most interesting conversations. I realized that he was as much a victim of the marriage law as I was...he hadn't wanted to marry me either, but he did because he seems to always be saving me. I realized, after about six months, that I had actually fallen in love with my husband."

"When you married, did you have to..." Xanadu stopped when Flavius kicked him under the table, but not before Hermione turned brilliant red and Severus scowled at him.

"Technically, yes – we were supposed to and the Mom was monitoring all marriages to make sure they were 'real' marriages. They had some type of charm placed in the contract, so they would know if the participants weren't...uh...participating. But Severus was too smart for them and he came up with a counter-charm to fool the first. So we never had to..." she blushed again.

"Not that it's any of your business," Severus growled at the younger man. "If you weren't my brother's companion, I would have hexed you for asking a question like that."

Xanadu grinned contritely, "Just curious, is all. But now that I know you won't hex me, when did you two actually -"

"Xanadu!" Flavius snapped, "If you don't shut up, I'll hex you myself!"

Hermione giggled at that, before continuing. "After I realized I loved him, I went out of my way to get him to love me too. I didn't think he ever would, actually, and was losing all hope and then the marriage law was repealed. It seems calmer heads finally prevailed and the MoM realized what a mistake they had made. They immediately agreed that all couples affected by the law could divorce if that's what they wanted. Severus, of course, immediately offered to divorce me.

"I was devastated. I was so sure I would lose him, I didn't know what to do. I decided to yell at him – I was so angry that he thought he could just get rid of me and pretend the marriage had never existed. I wanted to know if I meant so little to him he could just throw me away and he told me he didn't want to keep me locked in a marriage I had never wanted in the first place, to a husband I could never love.

"Imagine his surprise when I screamed back at him that I didn't want a divorce and that I did love him. And then I – we – he.... I don't think he believed me until he actually woke up the next morning and I was still curled up next to him. It took him a little while to actually admit he loved me too, but I knew it that night anyway. We haven't been apart since."

When she finished she burrowed her face into him, smiling and blushing as she kissed him on the neck. "He's a wonderful man."

Severus noted that Flavius was watching them shrewdly, almost as if he suspected something was not quite right with Hermione's story. For some reason, Snape didn't want his brother to know the truth – didn't want him to know Hermione didn't really love him and only thought she did because she'd walked into a bar and had all the sense knocked out of her.

Besides, he was becoming used to the feelings she stirred in him. He realized he actually enjoyed the ever-present heat that seemed to live in him when she was nearby; enjoyed the way her hair tickled against his skin and the pleasant weight of her body against his own. He knew that at least part of her story was true – he did love her. It came as more of a surprise to him than actually finding Flavius after so long. How could he – Severus Snape – fall in love with Hermione Granger, whom he'd always disliked – after a mere two days. It was unbelievable.

He was still contemplating it when he felt her pull away from him. "I'm going to go lie in the sun for awhile, now that the food is gone. It would be a shame to come all the way to Greece and go back to Scotland without a tan."

Xanadu grinned at her, "A girl after my own heart! I'll join you and we can leave these two pasties to talk."

Snape watched as Hermione and stretched, her lithe young body on display for practically the whole world to see. Xanadu rose quickly too, stripping off the mesh shirt he'd been wearing and tossing it aside, before stepping out of his jeans. It took a moment for Severus to register the younger man was wearing a bright purple, very tight, pair of underwear with 'Kiss My Ass' written across the butt in silver glitter.

He gawked at the boy, before turning to Hermione and cocking his eyebrow. "I assume Xanadu is wearing the 'Speedo' you referred to this morning?"

Hermione giggled, "I told you you'd be thankful Albus packed regular swim trunks for you."

"Never thought I'd be glad for anything the old fool packed for me..." Snape agreed. When Hermione bent down to kiss him, he allowed himself to enjoy it for a change.

"Will you join me later? A little sun would do you good. You'd be dead sexy with a tan, I think."

"He's dead sexy now, love. All the Snape men are," Xanadu interjected. "So, down the beach then?"

Hermione nodded, and Snape watched as she walked off arm-in-arm with his new brother-in-law. They were only a few feet away, but Snape felt a little empty without her leaning against him. Although, he reflected, it could easily be the wind blowing against his side that she had been blocking up until then.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Flavius asked after a moment.

"Amazing what?" Snape replied, still staring after Hermione, who had her back to him and was stretching a towel to fit over a lounge chair.

"How we both found people who are so much alike."

Snape snorted and crossed his arms. "So much alike. If Hermione began now and did not end until we went to bed tonight, she still wouldn't manage to drop as many sexual innuendos into the conversation as your husband did in ten minutes."

Flavius waved his hand. "Don't be so thick, Severus. I mean personality-wise."

Snape was beginning to feel very affronted by his brother's insisting that Hermione could be as annoying as he found his brother-in-law. "Hermione is nowhere near as flamboyant as Xanadu, and she wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of ruby slippers."

"And no offence, Hermone," Xanadu piped in, craning his head in the direction of the two on the sundeck, "but my hair is far more manageable than yours, and I've had a recent manicure. These are obviously things that you just don't hold in high importance."

Snape stood up and pulled his wand from the back of his shorts. "Now see here, Xanadu, I'll not have my Hermione talked about in this manner! Her hair is glorious, and she doesn't need to worry about such superficial things as manicures as her mind is fortified with the highest knowledge. She is the greatest witch of her age, and we are..."

He had just called her "his" Hermione. Sweet Merlin...what was he thinking? Why didn't he just rip his heart out of his chest and hand it to her right here and now?

He noticed a very smug look on Xanadu's face as he lowered his wand. He had been duped. Flavius and Xanadu were clearly attempting to see how far he would go to protect this woman, and now they knew.

"You're almost as beautiful as Flavius when you're angry," Xanadu remarked cheekily before turning back on his stomach, leaving Snape grasping for words as he held his wand tighter.

"Let it go, Severus," Flavius called, leaning back in his chair. "Just come back in the shade with me and finish your drink."

He was about to protest, but a thought struck him, and he relented. "All right," he agreed, hiding his smirk. He would have his revenge.

Hermione was smiling at him, the look on her face one of devotion as he returned to his seat, mind milling with wicked ideas for revenge.

Appearing meek, he walked back to the table and lifted his glass once more to his lips.

"Perhaps Xanadu and Hermione have a certain cheekiness in common," he consented as he watched the pair on the beach.

"Not to mention their youth and vigor. I can't tell if we're dirty old men, or simply lucky bastards."

"You'd be dirtier than me at least, as the age difference between you and Xanadu is obviously much greater than the difference between Hermione and I," Snape replied.

"True," Flavius agreed. "I know Xan told you the story of how we met, but he failed to mention that it took me longer to realize what he was offering than his version implies. We were the only European Wizards on the trip – that much was true. But when we first met, I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He was loud and laughed way too much. I thought he was making fun of me. Everyone on that trip adored him and I stuck out like a sore thumb. But, for whatever reason, he wouldn't leave me alone – he kept talking to me and getting me to participate in what ever misadventure he concocted. He became important to me very quickly – but, much as I suspect you were with Hermione – I was afraid of letting him know. I thought he would eventually tire of me or find a younger, better looking Wizard-"

"Impossible!" Xanadu interjected from his spot on the beach.

Flavius smiled at the younger man, "Trusting him was the hardest decision I ever made, but I'm glad I did. I feel like my life began the moment I gave in. We've been together eight years now."

Severus listened to his brother intently, eyes drifting every once and a while to the young witch on the beach. He wondered if perhaps, in time – after Hermione got her memory back - she could really come to care for him. He wondered if he should just give in to the little fantasy she had been weaving around him; that she loved him and he her; that they were happy together. It would be easy to do - he just needed to let his guard down and pretend she was telling him the truth. What would it be like, to be loved by someone as brilliant and passionate as her? What would it be like to feel her lithe young body wrapped around his as he buried himself inside her?

He flushed slightly at the thought, frowning when he remembered that in reality, he was nothing to Hermione. He was just her old teacher and he could not take advantage of her that way. If she ever did come back to herself, she would think so ill of him he would never be able to recover her confidence.

Of course, he could always just hit her on the head again and keep her with him. After all, if Hermione thought they were married, why shouldn't they be happy together? As he thought about it, Flavius poured him another margarita, which Snape accepted with a nod.

He never used to care for Muggle tequila, but he had to admit that Flavius had done something to the mixed drink that made it exceptional. He could hardly taste the alcohol at all.

Glancing at Hermione again, he scowled as he saw Xanadu rubbing some sort of lotion into her back. The younger man was making his regular outrageous comments and Hermione was giggling at him as if she thought he was brilliantly funny. A hot burst of jealousy tightened his stomach, and he recalled his earlier vow of vengeance. Taking a sip of his drink, he surreptitiously muttered a silent incantation and, with his wand hidden under the table, pointed it at the younger man.

He tried not to grin as Xanadu lay back down on his towel, shifting about in an attempt to make himself comfortable, before sighing in exasperation.

"I'm getting sand in my banana hammock," Xanadu exclaimed, sitting up abruptly.

Snape smirked. "Banana hammock? That's obviously a Muggle euphemism. Besides, how could you?" he asked. "You're not lying directly on the sand."

Xandu stood up and with all the dignity and class of a Deutschmann raised on a nude beach, pulled the crotch of his "speedo" away from his genitalia, dumping a good teaspoon of sand as he did so.

"Must've been in the blanket," he mused as he lay back down, on his back this time.

"It happens," Hermione mumbled.

Snape drank the rest of his glass down. "Excellent margaritas."

"We need more," Flavius decided, standing with the pitcher in his hand. "All right if I go in and make some?"

"Mi casa es su casa," Snape drawled amicably, waving his hand in front of him theatrically.

Flavius regarded him for a moment. "On second thought, I'm cutting you off. I'll just get us some water."

"What ever suits your fancy, brother."

Snape turned his eyes back to Xanadu and Hermione, who was now also on her back, her breasts jutting up to the sky.

"What is this?" Xanadu exclaimed, standing up quickly, an annoyed expression on his face.

There was an unmistakable lump in the back of his "speedo", and Snape had to keep himself from laughing out loud at the outraged expression on his brother-in-laws face as he dumped even more sand out than the last time.

Hermione sat up and surveyed the situation, then looked straight at Snape. He looked away, but not fast enough.

"Severus Salonius Snape, whatever you've done, reverse it!"

Snape finally lost his countenance and burst out laughing just as Flavius came back with a pitcher of water. Snape knew that it would take his brother only a second or two to figure out what the joke was, and when Flavius had surveyed Hermione's outraged expression, Snape's glee, and Xanadu's overflowing bathing suit, he began to laugh along with his brother.

"Okay, Severus. You've taught us a lesson. No more playing tricks on your Hermione."

Snape muttered a counter-curse with a triumphant grin that faltered only slightly when he realized Hermione knew his middle name.

TBC