The Young and the Snarky

Disclaimer: I'm borrowing some of J.K. Rowling's characters and having a bit of fun... for free. I'll Portkey them home shortly.

I'd like to thank my beta, Charmed Nay, for taking the time to go through this even though she's off on a business trip. Cheers to you, my doll.

Severus stretched, willing his sleepy state to leave his body. When he tried to move his left arm, he realized that something heavy was pinning him down. He cracked open an eye. What the bloody hell? His first thought was that some shaggy creature of Hagrid's had made its way into his rooms and nestled against him, but then it all came back to him: the room, the story, the couch, and Hermione Granger.

The blasted couch was now a bed, and at some point during the night, she'd moved to lie against him, her head using his arm as a pillow. His eyes widened. The arm she was resting on curved back towards her body, and his palm was resting against the swell of her breast. Fuck! he yelled internally. In an instant of male insanity, he thought about closing his hand to lightly squeeze the plump softness, but he knew he should not do so and fought the urge.

His horror increased when she started moving. Obviously still sleeping, she wiggled her arse against his bare thighs. Hang the hell on! Why is my thigh bare? He looked down and realized that his clothes had been changed from his daywear to his nightwear. He normally wore a nightshirt and underpants. A glance down showed him that his familiar dark grey shirt had ridden up some, leaving his thigh bare. Arching an eyebrow, he noted that she too had been changed into her nightclothes. However, he had never imagined her to wear sexy nightwear before. In fact, he'd never given anything she wore a second thought. Seeing the curve of one plump cheek, clad in a silky scarlet fabric, made his semi-aroused prick twitch.

Good Lord! Get a hold of yourself! This is Professor Granger, he thought, hoping to deflate his erection. Even as he thought this, he noted that her spaghetti-strap top was made to match the knickers. He supposed that if he'd had to imagine her wearing anything to bed it would have been a long, wooly nightgown like his mother used to wear. They were much alike, his mother and Hermione.

Feeling the need to get away from her, he roughly pulled his arm from beneath her as he peeled his body away. He was standing at the side of the bed by the time she'd sat up and looked around sleepily. A smug smile tugged at his lips when her eyes widened.

"Bloody hell! You're wearing a dress!"

His smile faded, and he looked down at this nightshirt. "What are you on about? This is a nightshirt!"

She rubbed her eyes and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. I was thinking..." Her voice trailed away as she looked down.

His eyes followed hers to the line of her cleavage. "Yes?" he asked, enjoying her discomfort.

She pulled the blanket up over her and moved back against the pillows again. "The room's magic changed our clothes! And the couch!"

"Astute observation, Professor Granger," he said blandly, making his way to the table, which held coffee, toast, and eggs. "It's not wonder your students are topnotch."

"How can you be so calm?" she asked in annoyance. "We've just slept together!"

"Yes, slept... I do believe that is the key word." He added sugar to his coffee and stirred it as he opened the paper. Hoping he sounded indifferent, he added, "You've nothing to fear, Professor. Your skimpy sleepwear doesn't appeal to me."

"I'll have you know that I don't normally wear this to sleep," she said, bravely yanking away the covers and rising.

He looked over and saw that her cheeks were a bit flushed. However, the shirt was just long enough to cover her knickers, falling just above mid thigh. He had to admit that she looked good, tousled hair adding to the appeal, for she looked as if she'd been utterly bedded.

"The toast will get cold," he said. "No need to stand there."

She looked around for a moment. "Of course there would be no robe!"

"Of course..."

Once she was seated across from him and had begun to add jam to her toast, she asked, "Do you get the feeling that someone is doing all this on purpose?"

"I do."

"I'm going to hex his or her arse so hard, they'll feel it for weeks," she said darkly.

Both of his eyebrows rose at this. "My, I don't think I've ever heard you speak as colorfully as you have this morning."

"Yeah, well, you've never been forced to spend the night with me either," she replied before nibbling on her toast. "Mmmm. Good jam."

After a few minutes of silence, Severus said, "Ha! Look at this idiot." He passed the paper over to her, pointing at the picture of Fudge, who was ranting drunkenly at Scrimgeour.

"Good grief."

"Indeed."

He rose from the table. "If you will excuse me, I think I'll use the bath first."

"Sure," she said absently, settling back to read the paper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly two hours later saw them refreshed, dressed properly, and sitting back on the couch, which had switched back from a bed the moment they'd finished eating.

"Now, where were we?" Hermione asked, scrolling through pages of the parchment. "Ah. Here."

Hermione smiled as she walked up to the castle. She could see the lake and noticed through some strategically placed shrubbery that Hagrid was out in the water. Deciding to pay him a quick visit before meeting with the headmaster, she ventured that way.

To her horror...nearly causing her to faint...she realized that a tentacle, likely belonging to the giant squid, was wrapped around Hagrid's waist, its tip snaking up to caress one of his exposed, hairy nipples. As he splashed about, she realized that he hadn't any pants on and that another tentacle was below and...

"Fucking hell," Severus said aloud, face white with shock.

"Where... where do they get these ideas?" Hermione added, ducking her head. "Hagrid would never..." Her voice trailed away. Would he?

"I believe that we should pass through this bit of voyeurism that you are pulling if you don't mind. I don't want to think about sex or Hagrid, much less the two of them together," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, it's not as if I'm interested in reading it either!" She shuddered. "Ugh. Squid sex."

"Hell, Hagrid sex is bad enough," he said.

Despite the situation, they both started snickering.

"Okay, I've finally left and have entered Hogwarts."

The castle seemed so lonely with all the students gone. Each step that she took echoed sorrowfully, joining the sadness that seemed to be lurking within the walls. A light breeze passed through the corridor, causing her spine to tingle. Someone was watching her. She looked around and couldn't see anyone. The entire time she walked about, making her way to the headmaster's office, she could feel someone else's presence. As she stopped by the gargoyle, she heard a slight shuffle. Spinning around with her wand drawn, she saw that it was only Mrs. Norris.

"Oh, not at all," she said, heart banging crazily against her chest. Thumpty-thump-thump was its beat. 'Snape... my long lost first love,' she thought sadly.

"As large as the castle is, they only had an available room next to mine?" Severus asked acidly. "Clearly this person couldn't think of a better way to get our characters closer together."

"I agree. It's a bit silly to think that Hogwarts has only one room."

"And what's with all that twinkling that Dumbledore is doing? It's as if someone has spilt star dust on him," he said snidely.

"I'll just go down and put my things away, sir," she said.

"Hermione," he said, testing her given name with his seductively silky voice.

"I will take my leave," he said, still smirking as he backed away towards his doorway.

Hermione was laughing loudly.

"What, pray tell, is so funny?" Severus asked.

"Do you even have to ask?"

Before he could answer, she erupted in new peals of laughter. "It wasn't that funny! Colleagues often call each other by name in private. I don't see the..."

"You... you're smirking again! Ahahahaha!"

"Hermione! That's enough," he admonished.

"Dumble... dore..." she said through giggles, "rocks your socks!"

"No," he said shortly. "Slytherin rocks his socks. Not the other way around." Once voiced aloud, he realized exactly how ridiculous it all was and joined her, chuckling lightly.

"I'm sorry, Severus, but it was just priceless. If you could have seen the expression on your face as you were reading." She smiled brightly. "I thought you might hex the parchment, and then I realized that they were right. You do smirk a lot."

"They should put something in here about your incessant laughter," he said in feigned indignation. "Shall we?"

She nodded.

Severus couldn't believe that she'd returned to the castle. Furthermore, he couldn't believe that his blasted friend and headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, had placed her next to him. What was the man trying to do to him? This would be torture. Of all people, Albus knew how hard it had been to get over Hermione after she'd helped him all that time as an apprentice of sorts during her seventh year.

"Oh, Professor, I've wanted this for so long. I am in love with you. Please... make love to me. I promise that I'll..."

Hermione placed her hand over the parchment. "Er... maybe we should wait before reading this."

"Well, I see no reason to do so," he said thickly. "We're adults and can handle this."

"M-maybe skipping forward wouldn't be so bad," she said hopefully.

"I would rather like to see what this person has to say about me," he said, actually wanting to read the section. It wasn't like reading about Lucius or Hagrid. This was different.

"I promise that I'll never leave you." Her voice was nearly breathless with anticipation as her fingers began to work on the first of his hundred buttons on his frock coat.

"I swear that I never thought I could find again what I've found with you. I didn't believe that I was worthy of your love, Hermione. I thought that I was too old, too horrible, and had done too many crimes in my past to ever deserve someone as pure as you. You're as pure as a snowy little dove flying about in the misty, sacred clouds that hover over holy grounds. And to think that you love me..." His eyes misted over.

"What rubbish!" Severus roared. "The day that I get teary-eyed over getting a piece of... over something like this, hell will have frozen over. I've never been what one would call sentimental. Nor would I..."

"Shh!" Hermione said, trying to ignore him and looking back to the parchment.

If he didn't know better, he'd say that she was enjoying that tripe!

"I've had enough of these buttons, my love," Hermione said eagerly, brandishing her wand. She yelled out, "Closegetoffofus!" All of their clothes...except her knickers...quickly left their bodies, leaving them to bare their fruits to the other.

"Goddess," he said quietly. He felt the lurch of anticipation in his thick, throbbing pole of man meat and knew he wouldn't last long if this carried on. He sat on the ground at her feet and began pulling her sopping knickers down slowly, enjoying their great drenching wetness, as he knew that it meant she was hot and ready for him.

"Disgusting!" Hermione said. "My knickers would never be drenched or sopping. It sounds unclean!" She put her hands over her face. "Did I just say that out loud?"

Snape knew this wouldn't be the time to tease her. In fact, he wanted to learn more about this encounter. "Sorry," he said, lying, "I was distracted and heard nothing. What was that?" He was happy that she chose not to look at him, simply waving him off, because he wouldn't have been able to keep his face straight otherwise.

After passing his long, large, bulky, hooked nose over the knickers a few times, he pulled Hermione down to him and kissed her fervently, flipping them over so that he could be on top.

Together they found heaven and waved at the small angels who were smiling at them knowingly. Neither had been prepared for the bliss awaiting them.

"I..." Hermione shrugged, not knowing what to say.

"On the school grounds," he agreed, shaking his head in mock horror. As a student, he'd made use of the gardens once, but she need not know about it.

"Jackhammer?" A grin spread on her lips.

"Manly thrusts and all that," he said, hoping to soothe their embarrassment.

It worked, as they both began snickering again. After a while, Hermione said, "My face hurts." She stretched. "You know, what I've been wondering is how could this Hermione not know that she'd been with Snape before? She said she'd seen him with Rosmerta and that he'd never known he'd hurt her. Uh, wouldn't she have mentioned this?"

"I was also wondering about that."

Hermione stood shakily and grimaced as she realized that their combined juices were running down her legs as if racing.

"Ugh," Hermione commented.

Severus had to agree, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

"Allow me," Snape said, picking up his wand to clean away the evidence from their bodies. After they were dressed, he held her close. "I'll be right back. I'm going to go and get us some punch, make a walk through the students to be certain nobody has noticed our disappearance, and then I'll be back."

"Obliviate!" he said. Before she could get her bearings, he slipped away, not wanting her to see him. Instead of going back to the hall, he made his way back down to his dungeons to drown his sorrows. For he hadn't had any punch. He truly loved her.

"Oh, how sad," Hermione said. She turned to face him. "I'm so sorry."

"What?" he asked incredulously. "It's not like you did it. It's some rubbish story. You don't think that I would... take part in something such as this, do you?"

Her cheeks reddened. "Well, no, I don't, but it makes me sad to think that someone would have you feeling so lonely and so mistreated." She shrugged. "And obviously, Hermione loves you. She might not have had the punch either. You should have given her a chance to explain."

"Well, what was she doing with Delacour?" he asked testily. When she didn't answer, he nodded smugly. "See? She did have some. He did what any man in his right mind..."

"Aha! So you would just Obliviate me rather than talk to me as an adult?" she asked heatedly. "If ANYONE mucked with my mind in such a way, it would be unforgivable."

He glared at her. "What I meant to say, is that he thought rationally and realized that she didn't want him...not in the same sense that he wanted her. Why, it's no wonder he turned to Bess."

"Bess?"

"Rosmerta."

"So... know her personally, do you?"

"Excuse me," he said, slightly offended. "I have been teaching at this school for many years. Before that, I was a student here. I believe that knowing someone's name who lives nearby has nothing to do... It's certainly none of your business anyway."

"I am sorry. You are right," she agreed. "Truly."

He nodded, surprised she'd realized that she'd crossed a line. While they were reading personal things with characters named for them, it didn't give her the right to think she could question anything he truly did. To him, it seemed as if she was taking the story quite seriously. Perhaps he should point out that it's only blasted fanfiction. Hmph. What an odd choice of words. Of course someone must be a fan of us for our parts in Voldemort's demise, and since this is fiction, the term fanfiction is appropriate.

"Tea?" he asked instead.

"Yes, I could use a break from this. My back hurts a little."

He nearly offered to rub it for her, but he realized what an error that would be...and how highly inappropriate that would be, considering what they'd just read. She'd likely think he was trying to come on to her.

Southern's Notes: Teehee. I'm not done yet! I know, you're saying that I should get on with it. Everyone is leaving such great requests and suggestions that I can't help incorporating some of it. Muahaha!