Handbook for the Recently Deceased
Clairvoyant85 Reviews | 6.79/10 (85 Ratings, 0 Likes, 5 Favorites )
Snape awakens in the Shrieking Shack to find his world upended. A story written for MoreThanMolly, the LJ community celebrating the awesomeness of überfangirls MollysSister and MoreThanSirius.
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About Clairvoyant
Author
Clairvoyant
Member Since 2007 | 12 Stories | Favorited by 42 | 585 Reviews Written | 281 Review Responses
I'm a fifty-year-old working mom and wife. I discovered HP fanfiction late in 2007 and fell in love. My favorite pairing is SS/HG, but I also enjoy stories featuring the triumvirate of Slytherin bad boys: Severus, Lucius and Draco!
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Reviews for Handbook for the Recently Deceased
All through, and including '(...)so he settled for restraint and held her hand like a gentleman, albeit a naked one.', and on through '(...) his voice smooth and velvety, as though his throat had never been torn asunder by that big fucking snake.', I was grinning, quite wicked grins, cackling (quite wicked cackles) and chewing my gum ferociously--another fantastic chapter to a fantastic story! Thank you again for giving us such a unique, wonderful experience! Waiting for the epilogue, however... also looking forward to more, more, more of your titillating tales!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
It's Brit humor that made me this way. Blame it on Monty Python, Black Adder, Absolutely Fabulous. It's all keep calm and carry on when absurdity explodes all around you. Thanks for another lovely review, my friend!
Just wanted to congratulate you on this delightful little romp through deadness....deceasedness....shuffling off the mortal coil-ness. Totally original and great fun to read with a totally in character Sev and Hermione. Secret ingredient.......love maybe? Who cares? It could be Strawberry Angel Delight (look it up if you are too young or on the other side of the Pond.......but it would have been a real treat for young Sev) for all I care. We wants more corporeal,in the flesh, Severus dropping a towel, lurve action. Just brilliant! Best wishes, Love Ali xxxx.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Thank you,
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
, for the lovely review! You get a gold star for guessing the secret ingredient. Strawberry Angel Delight? Hee hee. The description reminds me of a product here called Jell-o Instant Pudding. Better living through chemistry, right? I think the Potion master in Snape would approve, but his inner chef is in vehement opposition.
Response from aliciana (Reviewer)
Hi....yes I live near Manchester (UK) but I was in Florida last year and remember seeing some such product on the supermarket shelves. You see in 70s UK there was Angel Delight.....quite nice stuff and there was Instant Whip which IMHO was the equivalent of the US Jello (horrid ) stuff. Anywhoo it doesn't matter...in your story he is ALIVE ! But as usual I am totally digressing and havering. I can't wait for the epilogue. Ali xxxx
"Lady Garden"- snerk! 
So what was the secret ingredient?
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Finding euphenisms and alternative names for private parts is harrowing! The secret ingredient, you ask? It's so ellusive, even they can't say it, let alone admit it to themselves. It's the big L, love!
Wonderful, so glad he's back to the land of the living and they are together. This was very enjoyable.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Thanks so much, gkl. Sure, it took lots of time and effort to bring him back, but he's gonna get his life right this time around... I hope. 
What is the missing ingrediant?
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
*whispers in your ear...* It's the big, scary L-word!
Gah!! So cruel to leave it there!!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
*laughs maniacally* It's your luck day, angel. I update on Thursdays. The next chapter will show up this evening. Thanks for reading, reviewing, and the pretty stars.
Oooh, I think I went back and forth to the kitchen several times while reading this--talk about subliminal messages --lol!'... someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for'---WOW, that's it! Severus, listen to the wise man!;-)This is such a wonderful chpater with the turning of the tide, ever so slowly Severus is allowing himself to open and muse about and if scenario... And even though both of them are keeping a tough facade up, there is this wondering chemistry percolating! Great chapter!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
It's almost as much fun to write about exotic food as it is to eat it. That's why I'm on a perpetual diet. Snape couldn't endure a second life without a purpose, but for him to be truly happy, he needs a well-rounded life, one with a career and personal relationships, not just professional ones. They really have a hard time admitting their feelings, even to themselves. Slow burn is the best, right?
'Circe's tits, but you are like a Crup with a Hippogriff bone. Your tenacity is commendable – no doubt another contributing factor to Potter's longevity – yet, it's highly annoying.' -- just an example of how I find your delectable wording so, so, so rich and concise and yummy--drives me wildly mad in a wonderful way: inspiring! Albus, dead or alive=annoying (with all due respect--hehe!)! Great chapter!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Snape's compliments are fun to write because they are gems hidden under many layers of criticism. And that can describe Snape too: a good man (ghost) under the disguise of a prickly jerk. And Albus was fun to write, a combination of his traditional headmaster (a concerned father figure) with a streak of daffiness that could rival Luna.
Awww, Luna is only trying to help, Severus--in her own special way (ghost whispere--ha!)! And she at least forced him to put his best, well, a better foot forward, but how long will his and Hermione's current understanding last? He does seem to be enjoying himself a little too much, but then, what's a ghost to do? Lovely, feisty chapter!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Thanks, nag. I loved channeling Luna. She's so out there, but in a sweet and sincere way. And she did get Snape to compromise with her threat of repeat performances. Or maybe it was Hermione's threat to report him to the Ministry. Nah, he just wanted unimpeded access to her books. 
(...) but I rather like your books. And the occasional glimpse of your tits is an added bonus (...) HA! I just love how you can zing us with these while not deflecting from the serious of the matter in the narrative, dearest C! My facial muscles are always sore from grinning and guffawing so much after reading each chapter--thank you! Just love the layering on of their fantastic chemistry and relationship--teasing the hell out of us readers along the way. Love Hermione's feisty, keen intellect, knowing just how to deal with this cantankerous, loveable, suffering soul that is Severus. Lovely, heartfelt, witty beyond measure chapter (as always)!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Thanks for the glowing review, dearest nag! What can I say? I really get behind Hermione's honesty and righteous indignation... and Snape's biting sarcasm. It's a match made in heaven!
Severus is not going to happy, when he finds out that he is in fact jealous.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Right! That's a problem he's had before, and he'd be a fool if he didn't recognize that. A bigger problem is admiting his true feelings, but he's not alone with that issue.
Our Severus made a spectacular save to divert Hermine's thoughts away from hexing him and getting her to tell him what she's been up to for all these lonely weekends. For a minute there I was afraid she'd send him packing... but before long she was pouring out her heart and sharing her research. “... A person just needs three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”Severus has decided that something to do equals "chef" and that something to hope for equals "his resurrection," but the poor sod can't seem to figure out that he has got it bad for his roommate. And I think she has it bad for him, as well. The way Hermione flirted with him when she ascended the stairs with her Jammie Dodger in hand put a big smile on my face. I love that scene! And now I can't wait to find out what she has to say about her travels and research. Great chapter!BethPS- I love Tom Bodett and ABitW, too.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
He may be emotionally immature, but he's a master of manipulation and the old bait-and-switch maneuver. He distracted her with little trouble and got her to spill all her secrets... well, almost all. There are still some key issues which are a mystery to Hermione and Snape as well, but you know... With the brightest witch of her age working on his resurrection, he couldn't help but think about what the future could bring. And you gotta love a gal who knows her Floyd. Thanks for a great review, Beth!
*snerk* Sending her to bed without supper? Is Severus considering Hermione as a child still? ^_^
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Heavens no! He certainly knows she's no longer a child, and not just because he's seen her naked.
Okay, I feel like I missed a chapter. I thought Snape was headed off to try to get an appointment with "the man in charge" to solve his unsolvable problem? Why is Hermione now in charge of his "ressurection"? I'm afraid I'm lost at the moment. I love the interaction you've built between them. It's cute and funny. I just wish I understood what changed in the plan.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Nope, you are totally up to date. Snape was just humoring Dumbledore when he said he would request a meeting with Death. And he can't solve his problem on his own. He needs Hermione's help; otherwise, this would be a very short story. I'm very glad you're enjoying this,
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
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This is a fun story, and what a great way to re-invent beetlejuice. I love it- keep writing
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
So glad you enjoy this,
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
. Next chapter coming up soon!
Albus was helpful... a bit... wasn't he? ...just a wee bit?At least Severus and Hermione have some research to look forward to, and maybe the two of them can come up with a devilishly clever plan of action. Personally, the first thing I'd do is try to accio that damned Elder Wand... can't hurt...I am really looking forward to the research and the hunt. *grins*Beth
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Indeed, Albus was a wee bit helpful. Kinda like Sybill had one or two significant predictions: It was the content of the message that counted. And now Hermione has another cause to throw herself into. Wonder how Snape will like living with an obsessive roommate?
Witty chap, and the war is going on ... and on ...
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Snape's exile is just a temporary setback for him. The war will go on... and on!
Of course she will not leave. Why should she?
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Darn skippy she aint leaving! She'd lose her security deposit if she left, but more importantly, she's stubborn and won't let a troublesome ghost get the best of her!
Interesting, how are they going to bring Severus back to life? Harry sounds like he is enjoying just being young ,and free of the responsibllity of being " The Chosen One ".
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
How are they going to bring Severus back to life, you ask? They have no clue, but Hermione will surely hit the books and research the hell out of it. After what Harry has endured already in his eighteen years, he deserves to slack off a bit, maybe take a vacation...
He was meant to live, was he? Well, Albus, you might have been a little more forthcoming about that! And Harry actually being expected to grow up and be responsible? I don't think so. The boy needs to have some fun now that Moldibutt has been taken care of. ^_^
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
You know how Albus operated: he only revealed bits and bobs of information at key times. Dramatic much, Albus? And Snape expects too much from Harry. He only saved the wizarding world. Is it too much to ask for some time to be a kid?
I sort of, kind of, but not really, want to be haunted by Snape now.Great job. Looking forward to the next!
Response from Phyllidia (Reviewer)
He'd probably be a great help with dieting. "Oooh, you are eating.........Again...Ice Cream? Good, perhaps the fat in it will smooth out the cottage cheese on the back of your thighs. NOT that I have ever seen you eating cottage cheese...."Yeah, see? Great! <where did I put that Ministry number>
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
He has his good points along with the not-so-good ones. It might be enjoyable to have a ghost like Snape for the sarcasm alone. Next chapter coming soon!
TeeHeeHeeGreat chapter!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
This puts them on even ground, but neither will give up without a fight. Thanks,
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
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You know, there ARE three other EMPTY apartments he could haunt. He could just steal her books. I wonder if she will point this out to him... Methinks he might be a teensy bit lonely.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Or he gets way too much enjoyment from annoying the insufferable Miss Granger... or maybe he's realizing peace and quiet are highly overrated.
I find it hard to believe that a Weasley twin would turn down a chance to haunt Hogwarts. I gues he didn't want to put Peeves out of a job.Having fun! Great read!
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
Hahaha. He would surely give Peeves a run for his money when it came to shenanigans. Maybe it was the other ghosts he wanted to avoid. I assume Myrtle would be chasing his arse all over the castle. Glad to know you enjoy reading this.
Response from Phyllidia (Reviewer)
I forgot about Myrtle. She alone is reason enough.
Poor Snapey. He can't even find peace in death. I guess it could be worse--Dumbledore could be a ghost with him there too. Very funny! Thanks for sharing.
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
So true! Dumbledore would be a constant irritant, but he doesn't care much for Voldemort either. Poor ghost can't catch a break, but that's good for comedy. Thanks for reading and reviewing,
Response from Clairvoyant (Author of Handbook for the Recently Deceased)
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