Chapter Six

Saturday found Hermione touring another London hospital. This one had many patients; most were in rehab – people with traumatic brain injuries who were fighting their way back to health with physical therapy and physiological counseling. There was only one ward with patients who were comatose. These people had high brain functions. Some of them were just barely unconscious – people who would eventually wake. Again the facility was clean, and the people seemed to care for their patients with kindness and respect. Hermione left the hospital with a bit of depression. She had known that finding Snape here was unlikely, but she wanted to look and she had hoped.

Hermione had not talked to him. Each time she closed her eyes, she would hear his tease, What is your heart's desire, Hermione? His voice had had that sexy deep quality she had dreamed of when she was a teenager. Snape, although he was the greasy git and bat of the dungeon, had captured her thoughts when she had been in her fifth year of schooling. He was such a brilliant man, and that, above anything else, had captured her attention. She also liked watching his hands as he prepared the ingredients during class demonstrations. He had long, thin fingers but really strong hands. They moved swiftly over the ingredients; chopping, crushing, and mixing with such dexterity.

His words the other night had changed him from that older professor to a man who had desires like she did... or did it? Had he been playing her? The fact that he had teased her at all made her wonder what sort of man he really was. As her teacher, he had been a terse, nasty, vindictive man. But here in her dreams, he seemed more vulnerable. He did say he needed her. She closed her eyes as Apparition took her back to her parents' home. Hermione had not felt needed by anyone in a very long time.

She and Ron had broken up after the war. Their short relationship had seemed to burn out quickly, once the heat and fear of the war had ended. They grew further and further apart as Ron and Harry had left to become Aurors, and she had been left in the big house all alone with just Kreacher for company. He had come to their defense during the war, and she would always be grateful. She was surprised at his knowledge, and she had learned from him. He seemed quite sad when she had taken the job at Hogwarts. She did write him occasionally and send him a treat or two on occasion. She always made it a point to spend some time with him in the kitchen when she went to visit for holidays.

She had lunch with her mother, had another session with Dr. Leurante then Apparated to a different hospital a bit farther from the city.

This facility was public, and she found it quite different. It was understaffed, a bit darker and in need of repairs. The rooms of silent patients had an odor of decay. The staff looked exhausted, and she saw some real concern for their patients, but they were just overworked and had little time to brush hair or even talk to those people under their care. Hermione was allowed to roam wherever she pleased, because the director was quite busy he had said. She walked each room, searching the faces of the patients. Some had had terrible head injuries but somehow hung on to this non-life. The place made her want to cry, and she held on to her emotions by sheer force of will. At one point she had reached for the pendant, just to feel the silkiness of the soft wood. She had found it comforting – like a worry stone. She pulled her fingers back at the last moment. Now would not be the time to have him talk to her.

She left the place in the late afternoon and came back to her parents' house. Begging the need for a shower, she had gone into the bathroom turned on some music and the water and cried, laying her cheek against the smooth, cold tiled wall and letting near scalding hot water wash the pain away.

She was quiet at dinner, and her father asked her about her day. She told him she had had more lessons with Healer Leurante. He was a man who had many insecurities, and he would worry about her going to these places under false pretenses. "It was exhausting," she said, sitting back in her chair and pushing the half eaten plate of food away.

"Hermione, don't try to protect me, I know you're already visiting the hospitals. I use that computer too. I'm a nosey old dad. I looked at the history."

"I'm sorry, Daddy, I didn't want to worry you."

"I already knew you were going to be looking for Professor Snape. It's stands to reason you will need some sort of identification and a reason to get in. Come on, girl, out with it."

Harris Granger stood and took Hermione's hand. He pulled her with him to the living room and sat on the couch and patted the space next to himself. Her mother had followed them in.

Hermione smiled and climbed in next to him. As a child, when she'd had a concern, her father had tucked her into his side there on that couch, and she had poured her heart out. She told him about the day and the patients. It made her cry again. But she felt safe here now, next to him and her mother, who had taken one of her hands.

Hermione sat for a long moment just breathing in the scent of her parents, the Old Spice of her father and the jasmine of her mother. She felt like a child again, wrapped in the warm safety of their arms. She told her father more about Severus and the connection they had in her mind. She dangled the pendant in front of him so he could see the rare quality of the stained wood. It didn't seem to bother him that his daughter was carrying a blood-stained piece of wood.

"Hermione, what you're doing is very noble. This man will have a second chance at life, and when you find him, you may find what you also have been looking for: a brilliant conversationalist, among other things. I am concerned about who he was in the past, but you tell me your world has accepted him for the hero he was. So, that is comforting. These are, after all, hospitals and not government installations you're sneaking into. You have your wand handy. You should be relatively safe." He got up and went to a small wood box on a side table and pulled out a black, touch screen cell phone. "I want you to take this with you. Conceal it under your clothing, if something comes up, you can call for help. I dare say with your abilities it shouldn't be necessary, but humor me."

Hermione took the phone and slipped it into her jeans pocket. She had been meaning to get one. At Hogwarts, she could put a stasis field around it to protect it from battery drainage when she was there. "Thanks, Dad. I will feel better with this." She gave her father a hug.

Hermione laid her head in his lap, and her mother stretched her legs over hers. She felt such comfort. It had been a couple of weeks since she had cuddled up with them. She looked into the fire that warmed them, and then she fell asleep. She woke in the middle of the night and smiled as she saw now the dying embers of the fire place and felt the familiar knitted blanket covering her. She reached instinctively for the pendant, and the moment she touched it, she felt him. She closed her eyes and let sleep take her. She yearned to see him tonight.

She found herself in a small garden. Snape was sitting in a chair by a small table, reading.

She walked closer. "What is this place?" she asked, confused.

"Somewhere I escape to now and then when I am lucid enough to dream," he said, laying the book carefully on the table. He looked up at her. "Your progress?" There was no smile but also no anger. He was starting to accept her and the situation more for what it was.

Hermione came to stand before him, and she looked about for another chair. One appeared, so she pulled it around and sat facing him. There was about a foot of space between them. "I visited a couple hospitals today. One was mostly recovering brain injured patients and a few who were close to regaining their consciousness. The other place was a public facility." She felt tears burn at her eyes. "It was difficult to see so many in those conditions. The money is just not there for the care they deserve. And the place is in ill repair... I wonder..." She stopped and their eyes made contact.

"You wonder if I am in such a place," he finished for her. "In all likelihood, I am... a ward of the state." He stood and turned his back to her, finding her tears disquieting, remembering a time when he had badgered her to tears in his classroom.

She had come to stand near him. "Severus," she said, touching his arm.

He looked down at the small, delicate fingers there and felt the warmth of them. It all seemed so real.

"I will find you; you have my word," she said, squeezing his arm in reassurance.

He found himself touched by her determination. There were times in the last years he had felt so horribly alone that he had wished for death many times. Before he even realized it, he had covered her fingers with his other hand. "I know you will, I know of no one else I trust to keep their word than you, Hermione Granger." His eyes bore into hers.

She saw a gentleness there. Was this a dream state? Or was this the real Severus?

He bent to whisper into her ear, "This is as real as it gets for me." His breath was warm on her ear.

With a shiver Hermione woke with a moan of protest. He had slipped away again, taking his lovely little garden with him. She pulled a pillow against her chest and held on. She tried to chastise herself. She could not develop feelings for him. Who knew if the real Severus would ever truly be awake and functioning? She might find the man locked in his own brain. Maybe his wakefulness and his being drugged was a figment of his unconscious mind struggling for freedom. She felt hot tears run down her cheeks. She had had no idea she could feel so much for him. She knew it was not pity. She wanted to help him; at the very least, she wanted his friendship and maybe his approval that she was worthy to be befriended. She had tried so hard to win his approval as a child, and he had treated her with such disdain. But she had always known if she won his friendship and, dare she hope, his love, he would be worth all the tears and anger spent in his direction. For when Severus Snape loved, he would face the devil for you. She drifted off to sleep.

Monday morning found her back in her classroom teaching. She had to force her frustration with lost time searching into the back of her mind and do her job. She always made sure the pendant rested on her shirt under her robe or the outside of her nightwear.

She still had to take a deep breath, and plunge in, not sure if she would find him awake. The few times she had tried and he had not been there, it disappointed her so much she had refused to touch the pendant for several nights only to find him annoyed that she had left him alone so long. He seemed moodier and moodier as the week went by, some nights refusing to talk to her, only demanding details of her progress in finding him. When she explained she had not been able to go home on the weekend because of Hogsmeade duty, he had turned away, refusing to talk to her.

The next week she worked through Wednesday before she reached for the pendant again. She had dressed for bed and was snuggled under her covers. She liked the dream connection the best. She liked being able to see him and feel him on the rare occasions they touched. She tried to figure out how that worked, but she gave up trying and just enjoyed it. "Severus?" she called.

She found herself in a dark room; there was a window looking out into a dark moonlit night. Her eyes adjusted to the dim light, and she saw that he was sitting in the dark, facing the windows. "Severus?" she called again, moving closer to him.

He did not turn or say anything, and she knew he was again upset that she had not contacted him earlier this week. She stood behind him, and she reached over the chair and touched his shoulder. He was taut and rigid.

"Am I only a hobby to you?" he asked, a touch of bitterness lacing his tone. "Will this take years? I was alone in my own hell before, Hermione. I had only myself and my wits about me. Now you come, bringing hope. Each minute I am here alone now, it feels like the entire time I was alone, each moment an eternity. I have been alone all my life. You would think I could handle it. But this aloneness has become unbearable since you came."

He slumped forward. She felt his shoulders shudder, and she released him and moved around, dropping to her knees to face him. She clutched at his hands that lay silent in his lap. "I'm sorry, Severus. This is hard for both of us, and I have my job...." The excuse tasted bitter on her tongue.

"I cannot be alone," he said again desperately, and she felt a tear drop on her hand.

Oh Merlin, I never expected this. I never expected him to fall apart. His pain tore at her. She rose up and put her arms around him, and he shuddered again and sighed. He did not cry anymore but just held on for dear life.

Finally, he pushed her away stood and walked over to the window. She now saw it was a sliding door. It was odd; there were no sliding doors in the Wizarding world. He opened it, and she followed him out into the moonlight.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"No, Severus, don't be. Tell me how I can make this better. I can't be here with you like this all the time. I have to be in contact with the wood. I can't teach and hang on to the wood all day and night." An idea occurred to her. "I could go to Minerva and ask to be released from my job. Explain what's happening. She could get a substitute until you are found."

"No, I cannot face more people knowing until I know if I can recover. Minerva already blames herself for a lot of things concerning me, and then there is Pamona. I will not have them come and cry over my near-dead body," he stated between tightly clamped teeth.

"Severus, these people love you..."

"NO!! If you will not do what I want, then leave me and never come back."

Hermione felt the tears sting her eyes, and she wanted to scream at him, but he had already lost control. If she pushed him, he would block her out and she would lose her connection to him. Damn this stubborn man!

She forced him to look at her. "I will do what you want, Severus. Tell me what to do."

She saw his pain flash in his eyes, pain and hope again. He was so unaccustomed to letting anyone see his emotion, maybe even admitting to himself he had it, that this display was unnerving him. She reached for him, but he cringed back. So she stood, not sure what to do or say... finally she just stated again. "I will find you; I will not stop until I do." She turned to look out over the darkness. The moonlight illuminated tree tops. They were in some sort of forest.

It seemed like an hour but was probably only minutes before he came to stand behind her and rest his chin against her shoulder for a moment. "I know you will, Hermione," he said quietly in her ear.

She fought the urge to reach up and caress his hair. And then she heard him suck in a deep breath and remembered he could hear her thoughts. So she thought, What the hell. She reached up and slipped her hand up to the crown of his head and ran her hand down soft, fine hair. She was surprised when a hand slid around her waist and drew her close against his body. "Severus," she whispered.

She was about to turn her face to his when strange grating voices penetrated their little retreat.

"This one's awake, Sam." The voice had an Australian accent.

"Give him a good dose. He's been waking up too much. I got to meet my girl, and I don't have time to deal with this one," the voice said.

"But he's wakin' up. Ain't that a good thing?" the other voice asked.

"Damn it, Corey, just give it to him. He's a derelict. It won't kill him, just make it harder for him to wake again. The government has to pay for him to be here. This place needs that money. We need our jobs. Now give it to him."

Hermione turned in Severus arms, and his eyes were wide with fear. "Come for me, Hermione, come for me. I will still be there...." He vanished from her arms like a vapor.

"Severus!" she screamed, bolting up in the bed, tears leaving silvery streaks down her face.

She clutched the wooden pendant in her hand, but she felt nothing. He was not there. Was he unconscious? She pulled her robes on and flew down the halls toward the infirmary.

"Poppy!" she called frantically as she entered the room. It was late, and she ran to the mediwitch's private door and banged on it. "Poppy!" Scared for Severus, she was crying when Poppy opened her door.

Poppy's hair tucked haphazardly under her cap, she cried out "What, what is the emergency? Oh, Hermione dear, what has happened?" She grabbed Hermione about the waist and guided her into her private parlor.

Hermione couldn't even talk until Poppy gave her a small dose of a Calming Draught.

"They drugged him and we were just starting to talk. He's been so depressed and angry lately. He was so close...." She stopped and turned a bit red, taking a gulp of tea that Poppy had also given her.

"Close? What are you talking about? Can you feel him in your dreams?"

"Yes," Hermione said slowly. Then she saw the light dawn in Poppy's eyes. "You're not falling in love with him are you?" The woman had reached for her hand and patted it with compassion.

"He's so vulnerable, and he lets me touch him on occasion. He shares feelings with me. He was just opening up to me." Hermione unconsciously ran her finger over her stomach where his hand and slid to gather her close. She was sure he had been about to kiss her.

Poppy's eyes grew wide, and it made her heart patter to think that this young slip of a woman had gotten to the heart of the fierce Potions master. She hoped the fates would find a way to let Hermione bring Severus home. She cautioned the young woman. "Real life may be far different than dreams, Hermione, guard your heart. He needs you now. He may not feel so open once he regains his own life."

Hermione nodded. "I know, Poppy. I am trying to talk some sense into myself, but I'm finding him so intriguing. I feel more alive with him in our dream life than I do in my real world."

They talked some more until Hermione had calmed enough to go back to her quarters.

"Take it slow," Poppy said. "Keep telling yourself this is just a dream."

"But it's more than just a dream, Poppy, because the man with me is really Severus Snape," Hermione reminded her.

"Yes, so he is. He's a very complicated man with a lot of baggage, my dear. Just guard your heart."

"I will try. Thank you for listening to me, I really needed to talk to someone about him."

"Hermione, why don't you change your tactics? Go to the police officials and ask about missing persons. You can always use a Confundus charm on them if they seem uncooperative. There should be records of Severus having been put into a facility."

Hermione gasped. "I should have thought of that! Thank you again, Poppy. It will give me a new direction."

"Oh, and Hermione, let the pendant touch your skin." She touched her heart and breast area. "Here. It will give Severus a sense of you at all times. When he wakes again, he won't feel so desperate."

Hermione walked back to her rooms, her fingers caressing the pendant. Only silence met her thoughts. She had always guarded her privacy. What Poppy was suggesting would take it all from her. When he woke, he would know everything she thought and felt about him. Yet, how could Hermione deny him that peace of mind? She slipped the pendant down under her shirt and felt it come to rest between her breasts. "I will find you," she whispered again as she neared the door to her quarters.

WriterMerrin, I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am to have you as my beta. I am so grateful.

Thank you, Suzanne, for your beta work and Brit picking.