karelia - Black Hole Chaser

Lucius pouted to himself as he stepped out of his fireplace. Why does she prefer him? What does she see in him? My hair looks better, my clothing is more elegant, I have more style, yet Granger chooses Severus... he thought, disgruntled, as he poured himself a snifter of Cognac and sat down on the sofa.

The stream of his musings brought his attention to the subject of Percy Weasley. What a prat! he thought, sipping the golden liquid. And who was the idiot who thought we'd want him back...? That C.U.N.T. committee... what a name... could...no, should...have kept him... I wonder who is behind it... Lucius stared into the fireplace, and his mind wandered back to the scene he'd just left. I want her, too...

Putting the snifter down on the coffee table, he stood abruptly. I'll wait for her in front of her home. Perhaps she'll see reason. His mind made up and his person filled with sudden hope and anticipation, Lucius picked up and reduced a bottle of Veuve Cliquot to fit in his pocket, walked to the front door, picked up his cloak, and exited the manor ready to Apparate the moment he would leave the wards behind.

He paled as he saw the number on her flat. Really, now is not the time for my triskaidekaphobia to flare up! Irritated, Lucius took his wand and cloaked the number, then found a bench underneath a lone tree. It was easier to sit down and wait for her, he decided. After all, the wait might be long. Too long probably...

Lucius was busy brooding over the events of the day when some movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. There! He frowned when the tall man disappeared through a closed window of Granger's flat. Damn Saturnians! I wish they couldn't ignore solid material like they do. I bet they go snooping around everywhere with that ability!

What to do, what to do... It was tempting to Apparate to his office and inform Granger of her flat being investigated by a Saturnian, but before Lucius considered that Severus had likely closed the Floo connection, the tall man reappeared, holding a kitten in his arm, and climbed back to the top of the stone steps.

Lucius rose briskly, crossed the deserted street in swift strides, taking his wand out, and stopped the Saturnian at the bottom of the stone steps. "Oh, no, you don't," he hissed. "Theft is a punishable crime in every country on this planet, and if you think you can get away with that just because of your alien status, you're wrong."

The Saturnian's eyes widened, and he took a step backwards.

"Meow." The kitten looked at Lucius, trying to free itself from the grip of the man.

The blond wizard grabbed it with one hand, the other still holding the Saturnian at wand point. "One step and I'll bind you." His voice was threateningly low.

"Meow." The kitten snuggled into Lucius's elbow, and he managed to bend his hand enough to scratch its head. The kitten started to purr. Lucius thought it was a rather pretty kitten, even if it hadn't sprung from his top litter. He moved to a more comfortable position, his hand still scratching the furry creature, his wand still pointed at the Saturnian, and waited for Granger to turn up.

"You know..." Snape said slowly, "this place is decidedly too uncomfortable for what we have in mind... And besides, I'd hate to be disturbed again." His hands were trailing lightly around her breasts.

Hermione suppressed the shiver of delight and asked, "And what do we have in mind?" She studied his hands as they explored her skin inch by inch. His fingers were long and slim and very white and looked positively elegant as they descended further.

"Not solving crossword puzzles, that's for certain," he rumbled into her ear, and this time it was his voice that made her shiver.

Judging by the way things have been going, I'm in for a good time, Hermione thought, not even realising that for the first time, she put pleasure before duty. "We could go to my place. It's small but cosy."

"Certainly one of your better ideas," Snape said, again into her ear, his voice equally low. He smirked at the sight of goose bumps on her skin. "Ah, like it?"

Could his voice lower further? Hermione wondered. "I do like it, yes." Her eyes meeting his, she added, "So? My place?" Damn. I'm sounding far too keen.

Snape lazily reached for his wand, and instantly, both were fully dressed. "Take your cloak. It's cold out. I assume your flat is warded?"

"Yes. We'll have to Apparate to the front of the steps," Hermione said as she pulled her cloak around her, anticipating the nightly cold. Taking his proffered arm, they Apparated together to the front of Hermione's flat, startling Lucius.

"Meow?" The kitten looked at its familiar and purred.

"Lucius. What are you doing here?" Snape asked, frowning.

"I... Well..." Lucius pointed at the Saturnian who was now in a full Body-bind, glaring fiercely at his captor. "I had a hunch these C.U.N.T. aliens were up to something, so I Apparated here. And found this... abomination breaking into Miss Granger's flat to kidnap her familiar. You know how they can walk through glass and brick. I thought I'd wait for her and let her decide what to do with the kidnapper."

Hermione stretched her hand out to the kitten, but it didn't move. Hermione scowled. "What did you do with my kitten?"

"I've been holding your kitten to ensure its safety, Hermione," Lucius said, offering a thin smile. "I breed blue-spotted kneazles. How can you even consider I'd mean it any harm?" His expression was one of hurt.

She looked away, embarrassed she'd forgotten where the kitten had come from. "Sorry."

"No worries. Now, I think we all deserve a drink, don't you?" Lucius replied, offering his still frowning business partner a smug grin.

Hermione rolled her eyes and started to take the wards down. Then she turned to Lucius. "How come this Saturnian was able to get in despite my wards?"

"Ah, Miss Granger, it takes a special kind of spell to ward off their kind. They thrive on disregarding rules of magic. It's a mental thing, I think." Lucius continued to look smug.

"Isn't the question," Snape started, "to decide what to do with this... excuse of a human?"

Hermione snorted. "Does he qualify as human, being from a different planet?"

"Well... humanoid then." He sneered at Lucius and added, "Can we go inside, please? Hermione, you can Floo-call the Ministry and have him removed. Your front steps most certainly look much more pleasing without him there." Snape wrinkled his nose.

Hermione beckoned the two men inside and closed the door, paying no further attention to the bound Saturnian. The moment she entered the living room, the fireplace flared green.

"Oh, please, it's evening, and I've already worked my eight hours today." She began to walk leisurely across the room, but hurried when Kingsley's head appeared. Looking around, Hermione noticed gratefully that the two men had the sense to be out of Kingsley's sight.

"Kingsley, what's up? I've just got back home," she said, bending to avoid looking down at the Minister.

"I'm really sorry to disturb you, Hermione," Kingsley started, looking genuinely sorry. "But I have this Saturnian beauty here in my office. She won't leave, she refuses to speak English, and every few minutes, she says what sounds like, 'Wankers.' I'm out of ideas what to do. Knowing you, you must have researched how to communicate with aliens before you took up your current position. You are my last hope, Hermione."

Sorry for himself, then. Hermione sighed; the prospect of dealing with a female ET from Saturn had not been on her agenda for the evening. "Fine. I'll be over shortly," she said resignedly.

"Thank you! I really appreciate it!" Kingsley disappeared from the fireplace, and Severus and Lucius approached her keenly.

"We want to meet her, too. We've never met a beautiful alien from Saturn." Lucius eyed her expectantly.

"Fine." Hermione wasn't in the mood to argue; all she wanted was to continue what she and Severus had started earlier. Perhaps he'll fall for the Saturnian and I'll have him out of my face...

"By the way, Hermione, a generous application of Doxycide on the cladding prevents the Saturnians from entering," Lucius offered.

The Saturnian in the Minister's office really was beautiful, Hermione observed as she cast a sequence of complicated spells to establish some form of telepathic communication with the alien.

Why do you keep saying Wankers, and what are you doing here?

The handsome human the C.U.N.T. boneheads kidnapped... I want to see him again. Her pout, combined with pleading eyes, was endearing.

Hermione turned to Kingsley. "She likes Percy apparently," she said. "I have no idea where he is."

"Oh. He's in St Mungo's to recover from his ordeal." Kingsley pointed at the two wizards who were unabashedly staring at the Saturnian. "Since you can communicate with her, would you mind taking her to Weasley? I'll notify St Mungo's. And sorry for interrupting your evening, Hermione. Take the day off tomorrow!"

"That's a deal." Hermione grinned and turned to the Saturnian beauty. We'll take you to him.

Together they exited the Ministry and Side-along Apparated to the front of St. Mungo's.

"Wankers!" the Saturnian beauty exclaimed when they entered Percy's room and ran towards him with outstretched arms.

"Oh, thank you," the Healer whispered. "It's the first time I've seen him smile!"

Severus turned to Hermione. "Job done? Can we go back to our previously planned activities now?"

"Splendid idea," Lucius said and followed Hermione and Severus out of the door, the Saturnian beauty forgotten.

A/N: Grateful thanks to Sunny33 and amita for inspiration. Equally grateful thanks to sempra for the beta.

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated, and if you like what you've read, you can vote for it on the Petulant Poetess LJ community.

Keywords:

1. Triskaidekaphobia - fear or a phobia concerning the number 13

2. Malapropism - an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, esp. by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.

3. Maggoty Haggis -

4. Doxycide -

5. Glumbumble Parts

6. The Serpentine

7. Stream