The Heart of the Matter

They awoke wrapped in each other’s arms, cramped together on Hermione’s couch. Severus tried to extract himself and shift his legs, but he was trapped between Hermione’s bony knees and the back of the sofa. As he tried to move, she shifted her body closer to his, and he found his face covered by a cloud of her curls.

‘Hermione,’ he mumbled into her hair and tapped her shoulder blade with his fingers.

‘Mmmm, what?’ Hermione murmured, and then she pushed her face back and looked at him in shock.

‘I think we should move.’ Severus looked at her in amusement, and Hermione blushed furiously as she pulled her arm out from around his waist and slid herself onto the floor.

Severus pushed himself up and ran his fingers through his hair slowly as he looked at her. She was staring at the carpet and running her fingers over the convoluted design, and he wondered what she was thinking.

‘I think we fell asleep,’ he murmured.

Hermione smiled at him shyly, ‘Sorry. I did wake up, and I should have gone to bed, but…’

‘But?’ Severus looked at her gently.

‘But I felt better lying next to you, so I stayed. I hope you don’t mind,’ she said, looking away from him again.

Severus reached a hand out and stroked her chestnut hair gently, and Hermione turned her amber eyes to his. She took his hand and held it against her cheek for a moment and smiled at him.

‘You have been so kind, Severus. I wish I could thank you,’ she whispered.

Severus looked at her, and his face flushed at the inference of her words and the feel of her hand on his. He pulled away softly, and he smiled at her.

‘You can thank me,’ he stated decisively and stood up briskly, firmly pushing away the image of her full lips and shining eyes.

‘How?’ Hermione pushed herself on the couch.

‘You can make breakfast while I take a shower.’ He grinned at her briefly, and grabbed his clothes, walked into the bathroom, and closed the door behind him.

Severus took a deep breath and leaned against the door, his eyes closed. He groaned quietly and shook his head. He had been without female company for longer than he cared to remember, and being in such close physical contact with Hermione had triggered his body to respond in ways he knew were particularly inappropriate, given the current situation.

With a small growl, he turned the taps and waited for the water to flow from the shower above the bath. Taking off his clothes, he stepped under the water and allowed the warm liquid to flow over his shoulders and down his narrow, sinewy back and over his buttocks. He raised his head and let the water soak through his hair, and then he massaged shampoo through the lengths. As he washed himself, his penis betrayed him and hardened. Severus gritted his teeth and ignored it, stepping out of the shower and drying himself roughly with a large towel.

As he stepped fully dressed and refreshed from the bathroom, his nose was assaulted by the familiar tang of whisky, and his heart sank.

‘Hermione,’ he called to her. There was no answer, and he paced into the bedroom without knocking, fully expecting to find her drowning herself again. She wasn’t there, and Severus started to panic. Had she gone? Where would she go?

‘Hermione!’ he shouted, his voice hoarse.

‘I’m in here, Severus,’ he heard her call from the kitchen.

He rounded the corner at speed, his hair falling over his face, his mouth set in a thin line as he glared at her.

He watched her as she turned to face him, tears falling down her cheeks and a bottle of whisky in her hand. Then, his eyes flicked to the work surface. A line of empty bottles stood beside the sink, and he watched as Hermione unscrewed the cap of the last bottle and tipped the contents down the drain. Her hands were trembling, her lower lip shaking, and as Severus realised how hard this was for her, he walked over to her and took the bottle from her hand, finishing the job for her.

Severus placed the empty bottle beside the others and turned to face her. She looked up at him, and her eyes were swimming with unshed tears. She stepped towards him, laid her forehead against his chest, and slowly wrapped her arms around his waist. Severus sighed as he looked down at her, and he wrapped his arms around her slight frame reluctantly. He felt Hermione relax against him, and he sighed softly.

‘Hermione, I’m not sure this is a good idea,’ he murmured.

Hermione pulled away slightly and looked up at him.

‘Why not? I feel safe with you. I know you won’t hurt me,’ she whispered.

Severus extracted himself from her and looked at her a little coldly.

‘How do you know what I will do or will not do? I was a Death Eater myself, or did you forget that?’ he said flatly.

Hermione turned her trusting gaze onto him, and Severus felt his stomach falling slightly.

‘You would never do to me what they did, Severus. I trust you and I care for you,’ she whispered.

Severus snorted, ‘You don’t know me, Hermione. This is a pointless conversation.’

‘Is it, Severus? Is it really? Tell me something. If it hadn’t been me, would you have followed? What if had been Hannah Abbot or Lavender Brown? Would you have followed them for a month and watched them fuck their way around London? Would you have done for them what you have done for me? Or are you just not being honest with yourself?’ Hermione was shouting at him, and her eyes were blazing with anger.

Severus stared at her, and his eyes narrowed. He didn’t like what Hermione was inferring, and more to the point, he didn’t like that she had come very close to the truth of it.

‘Why does it matter? I can leave you now, if you want. You can go back to that life. It won’t be so hard to pick up where you left off, after all,’ he said smoothly, his voice dangerously quiet.

Hermione flinched, and Severus immediately regretted his words.

‘That wasn’t fair,’ she whispered, tears falling freely down her face, ‘I never wanted to be like that.’

Severus stepped towards her a little and put his hand beneath her chin, lifting her eyes to his.

‘Why did you, Hermione? The alcohol, the cutting yourself,’ he whispered softly, ‘that I can sort of understand, but the sex… you never seemed to get anything from it. Why?’

Hermione inhaled deeply and wrapped her arms around herself. She walked to the kitchen window and stared out onto the small back yard.

‘They took my virginity from me. Not that I was saving it for any particular reason, but with the war and everything, no one really came along that, well… it doesn’t matter.’ Hermione shook her head sadly and turned to Severus, her face sad and ashamed.

‘I was having sex because I was trying to feel something, anything… I craved the physical contact, and I hoped that perhaps, if I kept trying, eventually I would feel something, anything, that would let me know I was still alive. I never did. I still don’t. I feel totally numb, and I have, ever since that night.’ She shrugged.

Severus didn’t know what to say. For a woman as young and as beautiful as Hermione to never have experienced sexual pleasure seemed incredible, and yet as she spoke, he knew it was the truth, and his hearted melted a little more.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he said softly.

‘I know.’ Hermione smiled sadly at him.

A/N : Thank you so much for the amazing reveiws so far. Please keep letting me know your thoughts, I find it very inspiring.