XV: Blood on My Hands

Thanks to JKR for creating the HP universe.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading and reviewing.

Beware, this is a dark chapter containing both rape, violence and murder.

Chapter XV: Blood on My Hands

Severus was pacing his living room, wringing his hands. Minerva had warned him that Cassandra might not react too well to his decision to return to the Wizarding world. And he had thought that he had been prepared for her reaction. But it had gotten out of hand. The mere fact that she had Disapparated, that she had used magic proved just how much she had wanted to get away from him.

Where she had gone, he did not know. He had Apparated to her house, just to find the door locked and the lights off. He had even searched the park, but there had been no trace of her.

He was just about to inform Minerva when the doorbell rang. He reached the door with a few swift strides and ripped it open. It just had to be Cassandra. Who else would be ringing his doorbell at two thirty in the morning?

'You selfish bastard!'

If his years as a double agent hadn't taught Severus to dodge unfriendly spells, Per would have punched him right in the face. Instead, the blond man's fist made impact with the doorframe. Howling in pain, he swung back, ready to strike again. But this time Severus grabbed his arm and twisted it around his back.

'What the hell is this about, Per?'

'You ruthless, malicious asshole!' The words that came from Per's mouth were not only obscene but also very loud and would have woken up the entire building had Severus not dragged him inside and slammed the door shut.

'Are you going to tell me what this is about or do I need to break your arm?' Severus growled.

'You know damn well what this is about, you cold-hearted son of a bitch.'

Now Severus had had enough. He twirled Per around and slammed him up against the wall, his right hand at the other man's throat.

'Enlighten me, lawyer boy,' he snarled, his dark eyes glistening dangerously.

'Are you trying to tell me that you have no idea why I am here?' Per's voice was choked, but not reflecting half of the fear that could have been expected, considering that Severus still had his hand around his throat. 'Are you seriously telling me that you have nothing to do with the state Cassy was in when she showed up at my doorstep two hours ago?'

Severus slightly loosened his grip. 'She came to you?' He should have known.

'Of course she came to me, you idiot,' Per spat. 'She always does.'

Severus had now completely let go of Per, and the two men were staring at each other, both breathing heavily.

'What the hell happened here tonight, Severus?' Per asked, his voice suddenly much calmer. 'I haven't seen Cassy like this in years.'

'I mentioned that I am considering returning to Britain.'

'Shit.' Per banged the back of his head against the wall. 'That just about explains everything.'

'What is it that she is so afraid of, Per?' Severus asked. 'Do you know?'

To his disappointment, the blond man shook his head. 'I don't know, Severus. I really don't know.'

'Where is she now?'

'At my place,' Per replied. 'I made her take some Valium. She was sound asleep on the sofa when I left.'

~ ~ ~

Per's house was situated some kilometres outside the city, surrounded by high hedges and far away from any other buildings. If Cassandra had Apparated there, no one would have seen her.

They silently entered the house and tiptoed into the living room so they wouldn't wake her up. But the sofa was empty, and the blanket was lying on the floor. The two men looked at each other, and Severus felt an uneasy feeling creeping into the pit of his stomach.

Per started running from room to room, calling for Cassandra, but received no answer.

'Where the hell is she?'

The panic in Per's voice reflected Severus' emotions, but he was unable to join Per in his search. He felt paralysed, did not know what to do, just wanted her to be there, unharmed.

'Do you hear this?' Per suddenly asked. 'That's water. That's the shower running.'

They darted up the stairs towards the bathroom just to find the door locked.

'Cassy, open up,' Per yelled, hammering against the door.

There was no answer.

'Cassy, for heaven's sake, open the effing door!'

Severus resolutely pushed Per aside. Panic and yelling would not help now. This situation demanded immediate action. Twice he ran shoulder-first against the bathroom door, ignoring the pain the impact created. The third time, the door gave way.

She was crouching down in the shower, fully dressed, with her arms wrapped around her knees. Her gaze was fixed on something Severus couldn't see, and she was slowly rocking back and forth, back and forth.

Severus sank to his knees beside her, pulling her towards his chest. She was cold as ice, her body trembling. Mechanically, he reached up to turn on the warm water, not caring that he got drenched. All that mattered now was Cassandra.

'Cassandra, look at me,' he whispered. 'Do you recognise me? Do you know where you are?'

She slowly raised her head to face him. And the fear he saw reflect in her eyes made him cry out loud.

'I cannot get it off.' Her voice wasn't much more than a whisper, but it cut into Severus' very soul and made the hair on his neck stand up.

'What is it you cannot get off, Cassandra?'

'The blood. There is blood on my hands. And I cannot get it off.'

Severus looked down at her hands, completely at a loss. There was no blood. What was she talking about?

His eyes darted towards Per, who was still lingering at the door, holding onto the doorframe for dear life.

'What blood, Cassandra?' Severus whispered. 'Are you hurt?'

She shook her head in a spastic motion and started rocking again, back and forth, back and forth.

'Shall I call an ambulance?' Per inquired.

Severus shook his head. 'No. Just go get some towels. We need to get her out off these wet clothes.'

He heard Per dart down the hallway, but he did not look up. His eyes were locked on Cassandra's, but he doubted that she actually saw him. Her pupils were dilated as in fear, and she didn't blink. She was still rocking back and forth, and Severus wrapped his arms tighter around her. He desperately wanted her to stop.

When he noticed that Per had returned with the towels, he turned off the water and started removing Cassandra's wet clothes. A flashback of the last time he had dried off her body with a fluffy towel popped up in his mind. They had been happy that night. And he had fallen in love. And now the woman he cherished beyond anything else was shaking in his arms, and he couldn't help but wonder if he was the cause for it.

Reluctantly, he let Per wrap his arms around Cassandra's shoulders and lead her to the wicker chair that was standing in the corner. It felt wrong to let go of her, but he too had been kneeling in the shower and had to get out of his soaking clothes.

When he had put on the bathrobe, he hurried across the room to enfold Cassandra in his arms once more. She had finally stopped rocking, but her eyes were still fixed on something neither he nor Per could see.

'Is there anywhere we can lay her down?' Severus asked.

Per nodded. 'I made up my bed. I'll show you the way.'

Cassandra was like a puppet in Severus' arms as he lead her down the corridor to Per's bedroom. There didn't seem an ounce of will left in her body. She just followed his lead, not once even looking up at him.

When he laid the blanket over her shaking form, she crawled up into a ball at once and buried her face in the pillow. It was a pitiful sight. Where was the smile he adored, the laughter he loved?

'The bed is big enough for the both of you,' Per mumbled. 'I don't think you should leave her alone tonight.'

'Why should I stay?' Severus asked, his eyes still resting on Cassandra. 'She came to you. You are her oldest friend.'

'It is not me she needs now, Severus,' Per replied. And if Severus had turned around he would have seen that there were tears shining in the blond man's eyes. 'I cannot understand her pain. There is something about her past she has never shared with me. And that lack of knowledge makes it impossible for me to comfort her. But I think you might just be able to help her heal.'

~ ~ ~

When Per had closed the door behind him, Severus sank to his knees beside the bed, his fingers softly caressing Cassandra's cheek.

'Talk to me, beloved,' he whispered, not even sure that she was awake and would hear him. 'Please tell me what is hurting you. Let me help you.'

Carefully he lowered his mental barriers and gently reached out for her. He had not used Legilimency for years, and he had sworn never again to use it against anyone's will. But he had to know. He could not stand seeing Cassandra hurting and not know why.

He did not meet any resistance. She opened her mind to him as if she had been waiting for him to enter.

Grimmauld Place was just as dark and gloomy as it had been while it had served as headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. The only difference was that Walburga's piercing voice wasn't coming from her portrait in the hallway but the kitchen.

'She should just dare.'

Cassandra had shifted her head and was now looking at him. The haunted look had gone, and she seemed calmer. And for a moment, Severus considered withdrawing and talking to her instead. But her mind held his close to hers, and thus he continued his journey.

He found himself in the Great Hall. Minerva was just about to place the Sorting Hat on Cassandra's head, and Severus moved closer.

Then Severus sought out his own face at the Slytherin table. He hadn't paid any attention to the Sorting either. He had been too deeply immersed in a conversation with Lucius Malfoy.

So that was why he had not even known that she existed, he thought. Just like Sirius, he had been too immersed in his own business to even notice her back then. What a shame. Maybe, if he had known her back then, things would have turned out differently.

Again the scene shifted, and Severus found himself in a corridor in the dungeons. Regulus had trapped his sister in a corner and was towering over her, a cruel expression on his face.

Then he turned his back on her and left her in the dark corridor.

'The same night my parents told me that I had shamed them and that I was just as little welcome in their house as Sirius was.'

Severus was surprised to hear Cassandra's voice.

'Where did you go?' he asked, brushing a streak of hair from her face.

'Oh, I went home,' she said in a bitter tone. 'They had to let me come home over the summer at least. It's the law. They just didn't talk to me.'

'Why did Sirius not take care of you?'

'He never cared about me. To him I was too much of a Slytherin to bother.'

'That self-righteous bastard,' Severus spat. He had never had high thoughts of Sirius Black. But that he would not help his baby-sister was below even that man.

'I did everything I could to distance myself from my family,' Cassandra went on, her voice steady. 'But by the time I graduated, the name Black had become so tainted by the Dark that I had nowhere to go. No one would hire me. No one would even talk to me. In the eyes of the Wizarding world, I was a true Black and with that a follower of the Dark Lord. That was when Filius suggested I went to Iceland to study runes. And that was when I met Thorbjörn.' She sat up against the head board, a sad smile on her face. 'Those were the happiest years of my life. And then my cousin Tonks sent a letter, telling me that she had passed her Auror exams. And I let Thorbjörn persuade me to go and visit her.'

Severus saw tears well up in her eyes and positioned himself beside her on the bed with his arm around her shoulder. And once more, he found her mind wide open.

'We could have flown directly to London.'

He turned his eyes back onto the street, and his smile froze on his face as he saw the car in front of them plummeting into nothingness.

Cassandra was holding on to Severus' hand with clammy fingers. Her breaths had become shallow, and once more her eyes were filled with fear. Should he really go on, Severus wondered. Should he really make her relive those memories once more? He did not want to cause her any more pain. But if he ever wanted to understand her fears, he would have to know.

With a dull thud Cassandra landed on her stomach at the river bank. She tried to get up but found herself unable to. Something kept her firmly pinned to the ground.

As soon as Yaxley had rolled off her, she extended a hand to touch the corpse of her husband. 'Forgive me, my love.'

Severus felt sick to his stomach. He had seen many atrocities in his life, but this scene had shaken his very core.

'Why have you never told anyone, Cassandra?' he whispered. 'Minerva, Per? Anyone?'

'They would not have understood.' There were tears streaming down her cheeks, but her voice was surprisingly steady as she spoke. 'They would not have understood the guilt I felt for having failed to protect the people I loved.'

'Why me?' Severus asked. 'Why do you trust me enough to share this with me?'

'Because you know that guilt as well, Severus Snape.'

Spells used in this chapter: decerpo Latin for 'I take away'