XI: Healing

Thanks to JKR for creating the HP universe and letting me play around with her characters.

Thanks to Apple Blossom for beta reading.

And thanks to you for reading and reviewing.

Chapter XI: Healing

This was a truly awkward situation, and Severus felt more nervous than he had in years. He ordered a cup of coffee just to have something to hold on to, and that was what he was doing now, his palms hurting from the heat of the cup and his knuckles white. Cassandra had stuffed the essays she had been grading into her backpack and was clutching a cup of her own. She, too, seemed nervous, uneasy, and Severus could only sympathise.

'How have you been?' he ventured to ask after what had seemed an eternity.

'Fine,' she answered, raising her gaze from her cup and looking at him for just a split second before lowering her eyes to stare at her coffee again.

Severus needn't use Legilimency to know that she was lying. If her pale face and the dark shadows under her eyes hadn't given her away, the state of her fingernails and cuticles surely had. She must have been chewing them extensively over the last couple of days. She was definitely not fine.

'Are your dunderheads giving you any grief?' he inquired, desperately trying to get some sort of conversation going.

She shrugged. 'No, they're actually behaving quite nicely.' Her voice sounded strained, and she raised her hand to rub her neck, as if she were in pain. When she lowered her hand again, it stopped at her mouth, and her thumbnail fell victim to her eye-teeth.

Severus shifted on his chair. He hated small talk, he hated apologies, and he hated the feeling of helplessness. And now he had to go through all of it at once. He was just contemplating about leaving when Cassandra put down her cup with a thud.

'This is ridiculous,' she stated. She was looking straight at him now, and there was a look in her eyes which he could not quite define. It wasn't anger. Frustration maybe?

'You came here for a reason,' she continued. 'Spit it out.'

'I came ... I want to ...' He had come to apologise, but her straightforwardness had caught him off guard and rendered him speechless.

'Well?' He recognised the tone in her voice. He had himself used it many times on his students and had scared the living daylights out of them. The fact that someone was using it on him was amusing and annoying at the same time.

'Not here,' he said and suppressed a smirk. 'What I have to tell you is not for strangers' ears. I would like you to come to my flat.' He paused. 'If you want to, that is.'

To his relief, Cassandra had already grabbed her mittens and was about to get up. It seemed that she was ready to listen to him.

~ ~ ~

Back at his flat, Cassandra settled onto the sofa, clutching the cup of hot tea Severus had offered her. He himself had remained standing and was in his turn holding a glass of Scotch. He was not expecting to get any help from the alcohol, but holding on to the glass felt somehow reassuring.

They hadn't spoken a word since they had left the café, and the silence was becoming overwhelming. Why was this so hard? He had prepared for this all week. He knew exactly what he wanted to tell her.

Finally, he took a hearty gulp of Scotch and opened his mouth. 'I apologise for having snapped at you,' he said. 'I had no right to accuse you of having lied to me.'

Cassandra put down her cup on the coffee table and looked at him, narrowing her eyes slightly.

'And I apologise for beating about the bush. I should have asked you straight out if you were a wizard the day Nicodemus hissed at you.'

Severus cocked an eyebrow at her. 'I would not have told you.'

She titled her head slightly and gave him a timid smile. 'We don't know that.'

He gave a short, dry laugh. 'I would not have told you. Trust me, Cassandra.'

'Trust you?' Now it was her turn to cock an eyebrow. 'I do not even know who you are.'

He put down his glass and took a step towards her. 'Do you want me to tell you who I am?'

She held his gaze and nodded slowly, and Severus swallowed dryly. Obviously, she was ready to listen to him. The question was, was he really ready to talk?

'I am Severus Snape,' he started. 'Former Potions master at Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, Head of Slytherin House, Death Eater and Member of the Order of the Phoenix, double agent and murderer of Albus Dumbledore.'

Cassandra leant back on the sofa, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her eyes still locked onto his. 'You are also the most loyal man Dumbledore has ever met, and the bravest man Harry Potter has ever known. It was thanks to your deeds that Voldemort was defeated.'

Severus snorted. 'You have been reading too many bad biographies.'

'Are you telling me that any of this is not true?' She was still looking at him with those blue eyes that were calling for him like the depths of the Dark Lake, depths in which he could submerge, drown, and never surface again. They seemed to be able to look right into his very soul. And if Cassandra had wanted to, she could have made him reveal his deepest secrets, and he would not have been able to resist.

Slowly, he averted his eyes and turned towards the window. It was dark outside, and he could see Cassandra's reflection in the glass.

'I have done what was asked of me,' he stated.

He saw her nod, pensively. 'It seems to me as if Severus Snape has been a selfless man.'

He almost laughed. Severus Snape had been many things, but he had never been selfless. He had risked his life in order to protect the Boy Who Lived, but he had not done it for the boy, and certainly not for the good of wizardkind. Dumbledore had thought that he had done it all for Lily. But Lily had turned from him many years ago. She would not have cared about what he had done. She would only have cared that someone had protected her son.

No, he had done it all for selfish reasons. He had done it to brush off the Darkness and be admitted into the Light. But he had failed. There was still no place for him in the Light. He was still hiding in the shadows.

'Whatever you think that you know about me, Cassandra, is not true,' he said, his voice detached. 'I am not a hero. I have done despicable things. I have spied, lied, killed. I have betrayed those who trusted me. And I have done it all simply to clear my conscience.'

'Was that so wrong?' Cassandra asked. 'The side-effects of your selfish acts, as you call them, have saved the Wizarding world. Why can't you be happy about that?'

He just shrugged and kept staring out of the window. He had an answer to that question, but it was private. Cassandra had no right to know. Not yet.

He had not even heard her approach, nor had he seen her reflection, so he flinched as he felt her hand on his shoulder and her breath on his neck.

'Is this why you left it all behind, Severus?' she asked softly. 'Because you blamed yourself so much that you couldn't bear people calling you a hero? Because you thought that you didn't deserve being happy?'

Her voice wasn't much more than a whisper, but her words rang in his ears as if she had been shouting.

'You do not understand this, Cassandra.' There was a bitter tone in his voice, and he wondered where it had come from. He had not heard it for years.

The sudden coldness on his shoulder made him realise that Cassandra had removed her hand, and he saw her reflection backing away from him.

'You have no idea how much I understand, Severus Snape. You have no idea.'

Her voice suddenly sounded choked, panic-struck. And when Severus swirled around to face her, he felt his breath catch in his chest. Her face was chalky white, and there were tears shining in her eyes.

'Cassandra?' What the hell was happening?

As he reached out for her she shrank away, walking backwards until her back hit the wall and she had nowhere to go. She stared blankly at him, and Severus wondered if she even saw him.

'I failed them.' Her voice was shaky, thick with tears. 'My husband and my unborn child became casualties of a war in which they were not even involved. They died because I was part of that war. And they died because I couldn't protect them. I failed them.'

Then the tears started streaming down her face, and she sank to the floor, sobbing. Severus reached her with four swift strides and knelt down close to her, wrapping his arms around her shaking body. He felt her fingers dig into his upper arm as she clung to him for support, and all he could do was hold her against his chest, hoping that the closeness would give her some comfort.

How long had it been since she had cried like that, he wondered? Had she, too, managed to lock up her dark memories in the back of her mind for so many years, just to find them break free now as she had met another refugee of the Wizarding world?

He himself had not cried for years. He had cried the night Lily had died and then just once more, the night he had been sitting in Sirius Black's old bedroom clutching Lily's picture and the letter that was carrying her love. He, too, had failed protecting the one he once had loved.

Cassandra's sobs subsided, but her tears were still soaking his shirt. Carefully, tenderly, Severus started stroking her hair, her shoulders, waiting for her to relax again.

'The people who led that war were more powerful than any of us,' he whispered. 'We never stood a chance to protect the ones we loved.'

For a while, they just knelt on the floor with their shoulders against the wall and their arms around each other. Neither one spoke, neither one moved.

Why he started kissing her, Severus did not know. It just felt right. Her lips were still quivering, and he could taste the salt of her tears. The fervour with which she responded to his kiss surprised him. And as she teased open his lips with the tip of her tongue, he granted her access to his mouth only too willingly. He pressed his hands against the small of her back as she shifted her position to sit in his lap. But as she started fumbling with his belt, he grabbed her wrists to stop her.

'This is not what you want right now, Cassandra.'

She didn't look at him. Instead she let the tip of her tongue slip over his jaw line, covered the sensitive skin on the side of his neck with sensuous kisses.

This was not right. She was vulnerable right now, and touching her seemed like taking advantage of her. Severus' brain told him no, told him to resist. But his treacherous body reacted to the tiniest of her touches, and he soon released her wrists to let his hands slip under her skirt. The skin of her thighs felt hot against his hands, just as hot as her breath felt against his neck.

She shifted slightly on his lap to unbuckle his belt and open his fly, and as her hand closed around his shaft, he involuntarily thrust upwards. No, this was not right, but it felt too good to stop.

Her kisses rendered him senseless. And he had not the faintest idea how or when she had removed the fabric between them, but suddenly he found himself pressed up against her core, begging for entrance. As she lowered herself down onto him, an odd sound escaped her throat, a strange mixture of a stifled sob and a groan of pleasure. And Severus took her head between his hands, trying to make her look at him. He needed to see her eyes, needed to know her thoughts. But she jerked free from his grip and instead kissed him with a passion that made him forget his good intentions.

It still didn't feel right. He felt guilty for enjoying her touch, for hugging her close towards him, for bucking up against her. But it was too late stop. He grabbed her hips and pushed upwards, hard and fast, the back of his head thumped into the wall, and he cursed loudly as the pain mixed with the sweet sensation of his release.

Shaking and gasping for air, he wrapped his arms around Cassandra's waist and pulled her close, burying his face at her neck. He could feel her pulse against his lips, steady and slow, while his own pulse was racing. He wanted to hold her, just hold her, nothing else, but she stiffened in his arms.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered. 'I shouldn't have ... This wasn't right. I need to go.'

She broke free from his embrace, slid from his lap and got up from the floor. She would have run away if he hadn't managed to snatch her wrist in the last moment. He pushed himself off the floor, grimacing at the pain that shot into his back and buckled his belt with his free hand.

'Look at me.'

He pulled her arm so she was forced to turn towards him. Finally he got to see her face. She was still pale and her mascara was running. But the look in her eyes had changed. She was looking at him with a silent plea not to send her away.

'Stay,' he whispered, tenderly brushing her cheek with the tips of his fingers.

He saw her teeth gnawing at her lip, saw her eyes narrow slightly. When he let go of her wrist, she didn't move. Good, he thought. At least she would not run.

He let his thumb trail over her lips, cupped her chin in his hand and tenderly placed a kiss on her lips. Her lips quivered, but she didn't shrink away. He ventured moving his hand to the back of her head and carefully pulled her closer as their kiss deepened.

As he pulled away, Cassandra let her head fall against him and rested her forehead against his shoulder. Severus wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her close, cradling her against his chest.

'Do you still want to leave?' he whispered into her ear.

To his relief, she shook her head.

'Good,' he said, softly nudging her neck with his nose. 'Because I do not want you to go.'

~ ~ ~

He was awoken by the creak of the floorboard beside his bed.

'Are you sneaking out on me?' he asked in a sleepy voice.

'No,' Cassandra replied, and although it was too dark to see, he knew that she was smiling. 'But unlike you, I have to be at work in an hour. And I am still wearing yesterday's clothes and haven't even brushed my teeth.'

'You are welcome to use my toothbrush,' Severus mumbled as he turned onto his back and held out his arms towards her.

He was relieved to see that she didn't hesitate but sank into his arms without any doubts.

'I am glad that you stayed,' he whispered and pulled her close towards his chest, inhaling her scent.

'So am I.' She placed a tender kiss on his forehead before she slipped from his embrace. 'Go back to sleep now, Severus Snape. It's still early.'

'Will you come back tonight?' he asked as she had reached the door.

She turned to look at him once more. 'Do you want me to come back?'

'Yes,' he replied, his voice strangely hoarse. 'I want you to come back.'

'Then I will.'

As he heard the front door close, he turned onto his stomach and pressed his face into the pillow she had been sleeping on. It was still warm and still carried the scent of honey.

This had been a strange night. After he had managed to persuade Cassandra to stay, they had shared tea and toast on the living room floor and watched a silly Muggle film. The film had made her laugh, and Severus had smiled at her, relishing the sound of her laughter, the sound that had made him notice her in the first place that sunny afternoon in the park.

During the news she had fallen asleep, and he had scooped her up into his arms and carried her to his bed. He had just grabbed a pillow and a blanket and had been on his way to the sofa when her drowsy voice had made him turn back.

'Don't leave me,' she had said. And the begging tone in her voice had made his heart ache.

He had snuck up behind her, pulling a blanket over them both. They had slept in that position the whole night, and he had been glad to be able to hold her close, hold her safe.

'I will always be there, my love,' he whispered into the now empty pillow. 'As long as you want me to.'