Who do You Turn to When You Don't Know Who You Have Turned Into?

A/N: I do not own HP.

Getting There is Getting By

By A.R. Taloff/Fenrir

Chapter V: Who do You Turn to When You Don't Know What You've Turned Into?

Remus woke up to the insistent poking of his shoulder only to find the person doing the poking was none other than Minerva. He cringed back into the sofa.

"What?"

Minerva rolled her eyes and poked at her watch. "The staff meeting was two hours ago, Remus. We've been trying to find you all morning!"

Feeling the burn of scolding, Lupin scowled, but he then remembered Luna, looking to the loveseat where a neatly folded blanket sat.

"Ehm. Minerva, what... what's wrong?" he managed between the tapping of her foot and the crick in his neck.

Sighing, she sat, nearly on his feet. "Remus, why are you on the couch?" she asked, eyes trained on him, making Remus felt like a school kid.

"Just fell asleep reading," he hazarded.

Minerva raised a skeptical brow. "With a blanket?"

Remus managed a scoff and eye roll. "It was cold, Minerva."

Not looking satisfied, but obviously not interested in pressing the issue, she straightened her robes and looked at him with an even more serious expression. "One of the students is in the infirmary."

He looked over, confused. "What?"

"Ginny Weasley must've been cornered last night and said no to the wrong boys," Minerva explained, looking slightly ill.

Shocked, Remus ran a hand through his hair. Explains why Luna isn't here, but why didn't she wake me? Probably because she didn't want me to worry. Looking to the loveseat, he tried to piece things together. "Ginny, is she--?"

"Fine. Bruised and sore, but they didn't... nothing happened. House-elves walked in and stopped the boys." The headmistress managed a faint smile. "Used a few tricks. They are all very worried for her."

Lupin grinned for a moment. Those house-elves are probably getting complimented left and right. Good for them. Thoughts turned to Luna again. Was she all right? He wished she had been there this morning. Wished he could've pulled her aside and kissed her. Remus knew that after last night there would be very little to hold him back; her murmuring his name and the soft moan that accompanied it proved that some part of her must like him. Gods were her lips soft beneath mine, he thought.

"... Monday. Luna Lovegood will pick up her homework until Ginny is back on her feet."

Remus realized that Minerva hadn't stopped talking and focused. "Do they know who did it?"

Shaking her head, Minerva sighed. "The house-elves were too worried for Ginny, and the boys ran away immediately. Ginny can't remember either."

He sighed. Well, so much for that.

Minerva stood, once again straightening her robes. "I'm going to go check on her. Perhaps you could do the same. I know those two are liked by most of the staff, so the professors have been in and out all day." She walked to the door and opened it, pausing. "Oh, and Remus?" she added.

Looking at her, he nodded in question.

"Do try to sleep in your bed; it hurts your neck less."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Remus walked to the infirmary with a pretty bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear for Ginny. He had begun steeling himself for how badly she was hurt so that he didn't grimace if she looked horrible. He nodded when Poppy answered the doors, a bottle in her hand and fire in her eyes.

"Oh, good! I thought it was another boy to try to see her. I just keep telling them to go away," she said, tone firm and brooking for no nonsense. "Well, come in, then," Pomfrey hastily added, swinging the door open and looking around him in the event his coat was housing a student.

"She'll like those. Has a whole garden of flowers practically. Luna's been keeping up with them, making a small botany project of it."

At the mention of Luna's name, he quickly searched her out, finding her gone.

Nudged a little by the nurse, he glanced down. "Ginny's a little woozy, but Luna, when she gets back, will take those flowers off your hands. She needed to change and use the facilities."

They got to the tiny paradise that was surrounding the littlest Weasley's bed and smiled at the live bouquets and little balloons. Poppy leaned down and whispered, rousing Ginny a bit.

Remus looked at her and felt his stomach disintegrate. Her uncommonly pretty face was quite swollen and bruised in places, one eye nearly closed with puffy tissue. One arm was in a brace, and the other was bandaged quite a bit. He ignored all this and leaned over, handing her the teddy and smiling deeply.

"Hi there, Miss Sunset," he said, making the smile ring through his voice.

She looked a little sad, and a tear dribbled down. "Dad calls me that."

Remus nodded. "Came by to say hi. Are you're parents about?"

Ginny blinked and shifted a bit. "They're visiting off and on. Harry left a message, and they're trying to get things in order."

Sighing, he pushed those thoughts away and pushed her hair back. "Brought you a bear to keep you company, he's quite stout, and a small measure of flowers to remind you that the world misses you." Chuckling, he waved to the flowers. "I see that I'm not the only one who wants you to remember that."

Nodding, Ginny sniffled. A couple more tears dripped. "I'm going to miss your class for a few days. I'm sorry."

Gently wiping the tears away for her with a finger, he smiled. "No worries. I just want you to get better, so you're not crying so."

A throat was cleared, and he stood up. Luna stood, hands in her sleeves and hair tied back into a severe braid. She avoided eye contact with him, and he felt his stomach reappear, only to feel like it was dipping lower inside him.

She walked to the other side of Ginny and helped the redhead blow her dripping nose and wipe her leaky eyes. Once that was finished, Luna straightened and managed a quick smile to her friend.

"I'll take those and leave you two to talk," she said curtly. Finally looking into his eyes, he saw, with a sinking feeling, her eyes were simmering with anger. "She's just had a dose of Sleeping Draught, so let her sleep if she needs to." Taking the flowers, she turned and walked off, leaving him feeling confused and desperate and trying not to show it to Ginny.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Remus smiled and tucked Ginny's blanket around her and nestled the bear nearby before he backed away and looked around to find Luna at another bed close by, folding clothes neatly and setting them on a chair. Wandering up to her, he wondered exactly how he would tell her. She seemed upset, but with the words nearly bursting from his lips at every moment, he realized that he could tell her, and then ask how she was.

Gently pressing a hand on her shoulder, he smiled and lifted his eyes to her. "Luna, I l--" He stopped when she backed away from his hand and person.

"Is Ginny asleep, Professor?" she queried, looking interested in folding more than anyone could rightly be.

Feeling that dip in his stomach again, Remus cleared his throat and nodded. "Yes, she nodded off. I tucked her in--"

"That's so nice of you. I'm sure she appreciated that more than I can know." Luna finished folding and picked up her rucksack.

"That was an odd wording. Are you all right? You left last night, and this morning I was worried that something happened until I found out what happened." He moved out of the way as she rushed by him, walking fast.

He jogged to catch up. "I wanted to tell you something, but I'm wondering first if you're all right, Luna. I worry that something even worse is wrong." Grabbing her hand, he pulled her back.

Faster than he imagined, she wrenched her hand from his, looking at him with those angry eyes. "I'm fine, and you shouldn't worry about me. I'm just taking care of Ginny. She is my best friend, and that's what friends do. I might be late to classes, just to warn you, but I'm sure you'll be fine without me there. I'm such a know-it-all anyways."

He looked at her and noticed her nose was turning pink. "Are you sure? If you're busy--"

Luna interrupted him almost immediately, "Yes, I am busy. I need to read the homework assignments and make sure that they're done and also get Ginny's homework."

"Maybe you can stop by later. You look really upset, and we can play some chess and talk maybe," Remus finished lamely. I love you endlessly. I'm sorry it took me so long to admit it, but I want to spend this time with you, as much as I can. Please, let me make it up to you.

Glancing up, he felt his insides freeze. Her eyes had gone cold, completely...her face a study in complete hate.

"I don't think so, Professor Lupin. I'll be quite busy, I'm sure, with other things of more importance. I've wasted too much time anyways, ignoring studying and other things." Luna backed up to the fireplace and tossed a bit of powder in. "Besides, we're not friends or anything, just student and teacher. That's the way it is. All it will ever be, Professor."

Lupin felt like his chest was filled with holes. "But I thought--"

Her cold eyes turned away from him as she whispered her destination to the fire. "You thought wrong, I guess," she answered quickly and went through the flames.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Lupin felt like hell and called off his class for Monday morning to the assured appreciation of his students.

Walking through the doors of the Leaky Cauldron, he quirked a brow to see the hawkish face of Rolanda Hooch drinking at the bar. What the bloody hell might she be here for?

Wandering up, he sat down and sighed. When he felt her eyes starting to bore through his head, Remus glanced over. "Yeah?"

"Didn't think I'd ever see you here, prissy boy," she said, filling her glass up with the bottle left there.

He glared and grabbed the bottle. "Didn't expect to find you here drinking a bottle either, Ro."

"That's mine, thanks," she retorted, nicking the bottle from him before he took a sip. "Barkeep, get this grabby boy his own bottle, please. On me!" Ro topped off her glass and took a deep swig as the bartender set another bottle in front of Remus, sighed, and walked off.

Lupin stared at the bottle and grabbed a spare glass from the set she had made a tower from. "Why are you here, Ro?"

"Need to get out of the castle and drink my shame away."

"Odd wording," he replied casually, pouring himself a glass. Rolanda, like much of the other staff, had thrown herself into her teaching, doing everything from defensive flying to casting while flying to proper maneuvering and stealth spells.

Downing another shot, she put the glass down, massaged her temples, and stopped. "Broke the rules, Remus...the rules we're not supposed to break."

Sighing, he glanced up at the mirror where he saw her face. It looked strained, exhausted, and echoed his forlorn expression. He wasn't sure which rule, but there were a few that professors were never, ever, allowed to break. Lupin himself was, and had been, breaking a few more than normal this year. Number one was loving Luna. Numbers two through six were all the things they had done and shared. Surely Rolanda was doing better than him.

"I 'fraternized' recently," she said, making the appropriate quotation gesture. "And I bloody well fucked up. Didn't realize... didn't know we were being watched."

Remus filled her glass up, a commiserating look on his face.

"Now, she bloody well is in the infirmary."

The alcohol burned far more than normal as it seared his esophagus, and with it came the realization that Rolanda and Ginny had done something, which had led the boys to think they were allowed rights. His head turned and searched Ro's face.

"Yeah. It was my fault. I didn't... it's not easy, Remus. You wake up, and... there's nothing. She was lonely, and we had a few. It was an accident! We didn't make it a constant thing. Just the once." Ro's husky and derisive chuckle was almost too sad for Lupin to stand. "But I guess once is always more than you should cheat."

Remus nodded, his throat tight. He knew what she meant. It was hard to swallow that this might be the end, the last spring they knew, the last moon they might see. Living like this was a plague, a leprosy. It tainted everything until you couldn't feel, and soon, you were doing anything to know that somewhere inside you were alive, that you could find your humanity. He couldn't hate Rolanda anymore than he could hate himself. Hadn't that been the first inclinations toward Luna? Hadn't he expected just to find a friend to help him forget that he might not see another year?

Rolanda ruffled her shaggy hair. "What're you here for anyways? Minerva send you?"

Shaking his head no, he could practically feel her interest pique. "I guess you could say I broke a few rules myself." Taking another sip of the alcohol, he was pleased to find that it didn't burn so much this time. "I didn't expect to."

She folded her hands on the bar and leaned her head down. "What'd you do?"

"Fell." The words hurt. God did they hurt. Her flaming blue eyes, the accusation. He couldn't even figure out why it happened, what happened. Had she realized he kissed her? Been disgusted?

Instead of a scoff from his colleague, Ro scooted closer and nudged his shoulder. "Girl or boy?"

Swallowing the ball of fire down with another gulp, he managed to say, "Girl... woman. She's a woman."

Ro nodded, taking another drink. "Luna."

Lupin's neck hurt bad from the force he swiveled his head at, but the alcohol began taking the edge off the pain as he gaped.

She shook her head. "Ginny said that Luna wandered around a lot and that she followed her one night to your rooms. She didn't know if you two were at it, but she wasn't surprised sounding." Taking a moment to swig straight from the bottle, she continued, "Can't say it surprised me. Luna was always quiet like you. You both are too bookish for me, but you have a clear-cut idea of what to do when action is needed. Neither of you can stand for people to be unhappy, even when you're unhappy; it's the other person first. Luna has been keeping care of Ginny for months. You took care of Harry and Tonks."

Smiling softly, she pushed his jaw up, effectively shutting his mouth. "I didn't tell anyone."

Ro slid a finger along the top of the glass. "I think, Remus, if you love her, no matter what, you've got to tell her. You'll at least be able to spend a few moments with her, and this way, you won't regret it. Holding onto that feeling without sharing it is selfish and horrible. What if she loves you back? You can't risk it. These are dangerous times, and we don't know... Well, you get my point."

Lupin looked at the amber liquid and took another sip. "Just give me a minute." He hadn't realized... any of it. Ro seemed to understand what he couldn't, seemed to know what words to say that he needed to hear. For the moment, he just wanted to stay here, to know that someone understood him and that someone else needed him, too.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Luna came into the infirmary to find it empty and Ginny slowly folding one handed. A smile worked its way across her face, only to melt as she saw the bear that Remus, no, the professor, gave Ginny.

"Hey," Luna said amiably, looking at Ginny's slightly healed wounds.

Ginny nodded. "Hey Luna, um..."

"Where'd your mum go?" Luna said, suddenly aware that a Weasley hadn't accosted her yet, unlike that morning when she'd been fallen on by all manner of members of Ginny's family.

Rolling her eyes at Luna, Ginny responded, "She went to get their affairs checked."

Luna nodded, taking over folding, and hearing Ginny sigh, ignoring the sting of annoyance.

After a few moments, she sighed, herself. "Ginny... why... why didn't you tell me?"

The redhead lifted a brow. "What didn't I tell you?"

With an exasperated sigh, Luna turned. "That you ran around so much. I guess I don't understand why you did. Why did you?"

"Well, I didn't think you really wanted to hear, as you fled the scenes so quickly and then never talked about it. I mean really, Luna, what was I supposed to do, bring it up over tea?" Ginny's ability to keep control of her temper was already at a low due to the insulting owls she was getting from her classmates, her parents' hovering, the pain, and now, Luna was lecturing her.

"You could've explained why you cried or what you needed, Ginny," Luna replied, patronizingly calm.

Nostrils flaring, Ginny yanked the shirt Luna was folding out of her hands. "I thought you understood already, Luna! What the bloody hell was I supposed to do? Tell you how lonely and hurt I was that Harry left me and might die? I'll not be able to tell him I love him before he gets sent off to the shadow lover? That I've studied so hard and long and tried to forget so much that I just need to know that I am a person and not some knowledge-filled shell of a human being? I thought you knew what it was like, Luna, not knowing how to feel, what to think!"

Keeping her composure, Luna began folding another t-shirt. That's right. Ginny, you needed to feel. It's about you, isn't it? You, you, you. We're all so worried about you; we just take care of you. I know I didn't say I liked Re...Professor Lupin, but did you have to go that far? "I don't know. It would've been nice to know why you were so sick all the time and gone nearly every night and why you were given a separate room. None of your old roommates tell me why. I never asked. I would've thought we could tell each other those things."

Ginny glared. "You didn't really tell me things either, Luna, like what you were thinking and how come you went off on your own."

Shrugging, Luna began making the bed only to have Ginny rip it apart. Sighing, she replied, "Ginny, I just don't understand how you could've slept with them..."

"Because it felt good, Luna! It felt good to be wanted! Made me feel alive, made me feel like if I died, at least I'd die knowing that I hadn't given up my life before then. At least I was honest with myself, and you already knew." She gritted her teeth. "At least I'm not some frigid bitch."

Luna's mouth gaped. For all she had taken care of Ginny those nights, all the times she'd lied, all the moments she'd held Ginny through tears, this was what thanks and gratitude she received, and it felt horrible. Suddenly, anger, white hot and burning her stomach clean, hit her. "Well, I didn't think that becoming a slut to feel and a drunkard to boot made you human, Gin. I thought it just made you an alcoholic whore!"

The slap echoed in the infirmary, and Luna lost vision for a moment in her left eye. Tiny prickles sparked on her skin as the pain crept up like hundreds of needles poking at her skin. Eye watering from the pain, she could do nothing but stare, jaw slack, at Ginny, who was beet red and crying.

"You're right. I am a drunk, and I was a harlot. But at least you knew."

Luna's anger surged back. "I didn't know you slept with him, though, Ginny!"

Baffled, Ginny searched Luna's face. "Who?"

Whirling so that her back was facing the redhead, Luna kicked herself mentally. "Lupin, Ginny. Why'd you... why'd he... He's our professor!"

"I never slept with Professor Lupin. It was Professor Hooch."

She turned back to Ginny. "What?"

Ginny nodded. "You like him, don't you? I heard you arguing that day. You liked him. That's why you were so mean to him. You thought he'd had sex with me."

Luna felt both of her cheeks burn, this time with embarrassment.

Looking down, Ginny shook her head. "You know, Luna, you shouldn't have thought he would, and you need to go to his room to talk to him. I bet you didn't shag him, did you?" She paused, but not expecting an answer, she continued on. "No, you probably didn't even kiss him. You need to go there, and tell him how you feel. It's not right, living now with the kind of secrets we used to. There might not be time to spare, the time we all thought we had. Things might come crashing in before you can blink. Tomorrow might not come, but today, you've got to tell him."

Ginny watched as Luna walked out of the infirmary and sat down on the bed, holding the stuffed bunny Harry had given her.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Lupin waited in the Passage of No Mrs. Norris and hoped like hell Luna would pass through. He needed to tell her. He had promised himself at least that. At least she would know. Even if she hated him or thought he was a lecher, it would all be worth it...just so that he would know he told her. There still was a chance for them, if he just waited.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Luna tapped the doorknob to Remus' room. "Kappa." The door swung open and revealed the study area.

"R-Remus?" she whispered, moving about quietly.

She walked up to the bedroom and went to open the door. Her hand froze a moment before taking hold of the knob and twisting.

His room was empty, bed made. Sighing, Luna glanced around, realizing that he wasn't here.

Pattering back into the study, she folded herself up on the couch, taking off her shoes and curling up with the blanket she found there. It smelled of Remus.

Tears welled up, burning her eyes and tightening her throat. Wiping them away with the blanket, she saw the kaleidoscope she'd bought him. She'd tell him. Tell him when he came back. Tell him everything. How she didn't mean to, but here it was: her love. It was just sitting there, staring at her, and wondering why the bloody hell she hadn't said a word.

Leaning back against the couch, she watched the fireplace.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Lupin walked through the fireplace and rubbed a hand over his five o'clock shadow. Looking up, he felt the air in his lungs freeze.

Luna was curled on the couch with his blanket. Her blonde hair was mussed, loose, and falling around her shoulders.

He walked over slowly, hoping this wasn't a dream or a delusion, and that when he got there, she'd still be covered in his blankets, sleeping.

Feeling about, he sat on the edge of the cushions, close enough to kiss her if he wanted. And he wanted. "Luna?" he said quietly. "Luna?" Passing a hand down her soft cheek, he felt his heart pound as her eyes blinked open.

She opened her mouth. "Remus," she whispered.

Time stopped for a long moment, and Remus realized he'd never much liked his name until she'd said it just then. Then, he realized he was kissing her.

Luna's eyes were wide as he pressed his lips to hers. Hands cupped her face and head, and she tried to get her mouth to move properly. He pulled away for a moment. "I love you," escaped his lips, and Remus took one look at her damp, slightly open lips and kissed her again. God help me if she slaps me, but Merlin this feels so damn good.

Closing her eyes, Luna met his tongue with her own and felt her body come to life a little. His kisses were amazing, and she enjoyed their interplay for a moment, sliding her hand up his chest to his neck. Her fingers gently played with his shaggy hair. The kiss went on for what felt like only a moment, and he was pulling back, breathless.

Luna touched her lips and then his with her fingers. Remus' tongue rasped against the tips, and she felt a tremble work its way up her spine. Pulling her hand away, she looked at him. "I love you."

A smile worked its way over his face, and he gathered her close. "I was afraid to tell you." He pressed a kiss the crown of her head. "I realized I needed to tell you."

"Me too," she replied, enjoying being so close to him.

Gently, Luna pulled away and smiled, pressing a light kiss to his lips as a sharp knock came to his door and it opened.

Minerva walked in, face white, with a letter in her hand.

Luna felt all the blood drain right from her face as she and Remus stared at Minerva in absolute shock.

Remus came to first, gently moving Luna to the side and standing. "Headmistress, I..." he began, only to be interrupted by a swipe of her arm through the air.

"There is no time. Voldemort is on his way, hot on Harry's heels. We have to evacuate Hogwarts of all fifth years and below." Minerva swallowed, and Remus felt his blood run cold. "We have perhaps a half a day. Luna, you should owl your father and anyone else you want to. Same goes for you, Remus."

Turning to walk out of the room, she paused, and looked back. "You might not be able to tomorrow."

A/N: Well. There it is. The end of the first HP fic I ever wrote. I know it was a long chapter, but I hope you all liked it. Thanks, immeasurably so, go out to Sun, Theresa, Meredith, James, Adam, and all those who read, reviewed. It was nice to have you all part of the process in some way. Sun, Theresa, and Meredith took my angsty little scribbles and made them look shiny and new, James helped me with the song (and I hope once he finishes book six, he carts his bum over here and likes the story!), and Adam, who is my own little romance monkey. And to the readers, you guys make my day, a lot!

Southern's Notes: Lovely ending here, but I'm so nosey. I'd love to know which characters live and what not. Hehe Glad these two finally admitted their feelings.