Stumble Out of Bed, Like Thoughts Into Your Head

A/N:I don't, obviously, own HP.

Getting There is Getting By

By A.R.Taloff/Fenrir

Chapter IV: Stumble Out of Bed, Like Thoughts into Your Head

Remus scribbled on someone's parchment, his face screwed up in disappointment. How had Eileen gotten it so wrong? Maybe I'll mention it to Luna. Scribbling finished, he leaned back, stretching so that every vertebra popped successively down his spine, and then sunk into the chair.

He sighed at the five papers left: Luna's, Ginny's, Michael's, Markus's, and Penny's. Lupin had learned to put Michael, Ginny, and Luna last because their papers were all very good...Michael's because it had been corrected and fixed by Luna and Ginny's and Luna's because they still were his finest students.

Luna... he thought with a smile, only to immediately choke it back. He was getting worse at hiding his feelings for her outside these rooms, and Remus was sure that it was because he wasn't controlling them well enough behind the doors.

It certainly did not help that Luna and he talked nearly every other night, sometimes more, over chess, tea, books, or while walking in the halls late at night. Her personality was quietly passionate, and it had taken weeks for her to open up to him. Like a flower scared of the sun... he thought.

It had taken him just as long to open up to her though. He knew very well that he shouldn't get this close to a student, but as time went by, she became less of a student, more of a friend, and in these last weeks, the simple want for her had turned into something far, far worse.

His denial wouldn't let him come to face with it, and he felt utterly guilty not telling her. She would come to his rooms and just talk some nights, but she would always leave at nearly the same time. Remus never asked why, but he desperately wanted to know. He wanted to know if she was in love with someone, if that's why she seemed so confused sometimes when they awkwardly became closer and Remus wanted to kiss her.

That was the worst. How painful it had become, almost, to stop himself from kissing her. Lupin knew that if they continued, there would come a day where he would pull her close and do just that. Kiss her until he couldn't breathe, until she knew how he felt, though he couldn't say.

There had been so many times that he'd gotten close to doing just that, only to tear himself away or for her to do the same. Part of him thought...no, wished...that it was because she secretly wanted to kiss him too. Thought about how they may laugh at that some day, how he had watched her lips while she talked and she had tried to ignore his eyes because he would know she love...

Stop.

"Stop, stop, stop," he muttered to himself and went back to grading papers.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Remus smiled as he walked back to his office, talking with Penny Thomas, a girl who'd, for some reason or the next, had begun following him after class.

It was two days into February, and he had awakened to find the entire school in a dither about the impromptu school dance for Valentine's Day.

A small letter had also been waiting for him on his desk.

Dear Remus,

The professors have decided to hold an impromptu ball to alleviate the tension and seriousness the school has felt. We thought you would be a perfect coordinator for the event.

Lupin looked up from the note, growling. He hated dances. Never interested in most of the girls when he was in school, he had not attended with a date, but instead, he went with Sirius, James, and Peter. Now, in his elder years, dances seemed even less thrilling. He glanced down.

We decided you'd like this position best, as it would allow you to miss chaperoning the event entirely.

Remus grinned.

Two student body members from each house will be assigned to help you with the event; enclosed are their names. They will contact you with the times they meet. Do make sure we know what the theme and foods will be!

Minerva and the staff

He realized he wasn't thinking about what Penny was saying and glanced at her; she was reaching in her bag for something pink and shimmering. Oh, Gods, no, he thought to himself, worried that she'd taken a secret fancy to him.

"...I thought this pink and maybe a dark red would do nice, and the other Houses agreed, is that okay?"

He blinked owlishly at her and stared at the bits of fabric, paper, and the small tray of glitter. "Uhh."

Penny tossed her brown hair as a boy walked by and watched for his reaction out of the corner of her eyes.

Remus flickered a glance over to her quarry and watched as the youth stumbled and then continued, his friends picking on him. Lips twitching to a smile, he looked back at Penny's satisfied look. "Anything else, Penny?"

The brunette shook her head and smiled at him with a polite good-bye.

As she walked away, he found himself glad that he'd never experienced that in school. How would he have ever concentrated? Turning to his study, he found the little box that he hung out there for questions, parchments, and extra credit chock-full and simply took the whole thing off its hook and shoved open the door.

Tossing it onto the nearest chair, he leaned against the casement and shut the door, rubbing his neck with the other hand.

Looking across the study, he saw his favorite gift and wandered over to it, smiling despite his neck aching and the thought of hundreds of parchments to correct. Picking the kaleidoscope up, he sat in a chair and placed it to his eye, slowly turning it.

He didn't know who had given it to him. The note was written in a script he didn't recognize. Perhaps a clerk had written it for the gift giver. In any case, it had been the unmarked package, and when he'd opened it, it had caused him a wave of relief and a smile of unadulterated joy.

Remus had wanted one when he was a child. It was a simple toy, full of imagination and wonder. The idea that someone had purchased one with him in mind made Lupin think better of the world on a whole. Luna even thought it was quite clever. It had crossed his mind that she might be the mystery gift giver, but he had no proof and didn't want to ask for fear she'd realize how he felt.

Pulling it from his face, he sighed in pleasure. Luna had helped students today, along with Ginny and two other kids, Kirsta and David. He liked that approach. That way, he could practice with kids who needed more help, and the students were working together towards the common goal of mastery. Her hair had been braided back by Ginny during the lecture, and the long plait had glittered with the light from the sun reflecting the snow outdoors. She was patient, kind, helpful and courteous.

But beyond that, when something caught her mind, she was passionate and talkative, her eyes lighting up and face glowing...times like those left Remus wanting more. Wanting to drag her against a wall and kiss her, asking if he made her feel even a Knut's worth of that passion.

A knock on the door had him turning, a half smile on his face, thinking it was she.

McGonagall lifted an already arched brow and stared at him as though he belonged in Azkaban. "Remus, have they decided colors yet?"

He stood and tried to remember where he'd tossed the colors while she wandered about his office.

"Ah-ha!" he whispered triumphantly, turning to see her playing with the kaleidoscope.

Minerva pulled it from her eye and slid her glasses back on. "I haven't seen one in years, and though the staff each had a round with it after we made sure it wasn't cursed, I still wanted to try it again."

Lupin grinned at her. "I still don't know who gave it to me."

Taking the fabrics and colors, she nodded and handed it back to him. "Whomever it was, Remus, I'd give them plenty of thanks when you find out."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Staring at Ginny, she shook her head. "I'm not wearing this anywhere, much less the Valentine's Day ball, Gin."

Luna looked at her reflection and sighed. The dress was nice, albeit a little too pink for her tastes. The top part tied around the back of her neck and left half of her back open, and the skirt portion went to her calves. Ginny had put her in heels too, and while a very sedate part of her was ignoring the obvious, it was rather clear that she looked very attractive.

And that bothered her a lot.

"You look good though," was Ginny's response.

Tearing her disturbed eyes away from her reflection, she looked at Ginny with a pitiful face. "I just don't want to be seen like this. I don't even like dances."

"Pleeeeeeeease, Luna?" Ginny begged, her bright brown eyes like a sad little puppy's.

Resolve hardened. "It just shows off too much... of everything! I feel like everyone is going to stare at me and not stop!"

Ginny shrugged. "You look great, like the Muggle I got the dress idea from. Her name was Marion, Melinda, M... Marilyn?" Pausing to think for a moment, Ginny closed her eyes before reopening them. "Yeah, Marilyn Monroe. She was very voluptuous, and so are you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luna said, her voice squeaking.

"Just that," the redhead began, "you've got boobs and hips. My mom thinks you're getting too skinny, but you're nicely figured. So was Marilyn Monroe. Everyone thought she was so pretty, and I bet they'll all think you are too!"

Fear clutched at Luna's throat. She didn't want anyone to find her attractive. Well, she did. There was one individual who she wanted very badly to find her beautiful.

The thought of Remus seeing her like this made her palms sweaty. He might ask her to dance, and then, they might enjoy that and find themselves in the gardens. He might kiss her, or she might kiss him. Oh Gods, she thought, her heart beginning to pound. I wish I could just kiss him instead of stopping myself.

She looked at Ginny, who was looking at her own dress. It was black, lacey, and filmy...all the things that made boys drool over her. Luna suddenly felt very awkward. "Gin, why don't we just stay in and have popcorn?"

Ginny turned and lifted a brow at Luna, smiling. "Come on, Luna, just come with me. It'll be great. We'll dance, and people will admire how lovely we are. Won't it be nice to just relax?" Realizing that no logic would work, Ginny resorted to the worst. "Pleeeeeeeease, Luna, come on! It'll be sooooooo much fun. Pleeeeeeease? Pretty pleeeeeeeease?" Ginny whined.

Luna felt her insecurities and walls cave, and she sighed heavily, rolling her eyes. "All right! No more of that. I'll go," she replied tiredly, beginning to take the dress off.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Alone this night, Luna curled into the pillow and smiled softly. Remus had beaten her at chess, and they had whirled around the room, leaving her breathless and weak-kneed.

There had been a moment, longer and more breath stealing than before, where they'd almost kissed. She was sure he must've wanted the same thing. His eyes were so dark and penetrating, wanting.

They'd almost kissed, so close. She had pulled away and smiled, handing him a cookie and laughing. He'd echoed it, and Luna had tried to ignore how stupid she'd felt. Her heart felt like exploding every time she saw him, every time he smiled at her and she smiled back.

He had opened up to her, laughed with her, told her stories of his mother and father and of Sirius and James, his friends of old. She told him stories of her mother and father, and of her times with Ginny. They talked endlessly about learning, and he never laughed when Luna brought up Crumple-Horned Snorkacks or Nargles.

They even talked of the darker past...her fight with her father and his small crush on Lily Evans.

That had brought her blood to a deep simmer. The thought of his heart tangled with another girl made her angry and at the same time, utterly miserable. Granted, he'd only felt that way for only a few years, but Luna still felt wretched about it.

Luna wanted him to be tangled up with her. Those first warming feelings had grown now into something nearly all consuming, threatening to make her someone entirely new if she let them. She wanted nothing more than to reach over one night while they played chess, or even while they walked the halls, and take his hand. She wanted to know what he would do. Would he would pull her against him to kiss her, would he smile and accept it, or would he shun her?

The last made her want to cry. It was that bit that rendered her speechless, made her freeze when they'd nearly kissed, made her pull back. Luna didn't want to lose the friendship they had. Didn't want to have it fall apart if he didn't want her that way. Even when it seemed so certain he'd also wanted to kiss her, she couldn't trust herself.

Cuddling closer to the pillow, she sighed and closed her eyes, willing herself to slumber.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Luna wandered the halls, the sounds of the ball growing quieter the farther she went from it. Her heels clicked against the cobbles, and she constantly looked around herself, waiting for an errant drunkard to leap out and try to fondle her breasts.

The night had started fine. She had entered, Ginny towing her, and every male eye had watched them both. Luna had nearly lost it then. She hated that many eyes undressing her.

Ginny, though, loved it. Ate it up like biscuits at tea. Boys had flirted with her, danced with her, offered her fruits and drink, and Luna had gotten fed up.

Walking out forty-seven minutes after she'd arrived, Luna didn't know where to go, and before she knew it, she'd found herself walking to Remus's rooms.

She knocked on the door, a little out of breath from the fast pace she'd taken up the stairs, and looked up as Remus opened the door, shirt half unbuttoned.

"Luna," he said, mildly breathless.

The warm feelings took over again, swirling through her body and making her feel like doing something crazy, like taking hold of the lapels of his shirt and kissing him. He was looking at her like she imagined someone lost in the desert looked at water and felt her pulse pick up.

She knew she looked beautiful. Ginny had done Luna's makeup with a gentle hand and had also curled her wavy hair. Her legs, Ginny had said, were long looking, and her boobs would make men stare, jaws agape like fish.

Remus was staring at her, all of her, and Luna liked it. A lot. When his eyes finally met hers, it wasn't for long, but he cleared his throat and swallowed. Moving to the side, he asked if she wanted to come in.

Walking through the doorway, she brushed against his chest and felt him tense up. Forcing herself to keep moving, she sat on the little loveseat and crossed her legs, painfully aware that he was watching her exactly how the boys in the Great Hall had. Like he was undressing her.

He met her eyes again, and Luna managed a smile.

"What brings you up here?" Remus asked, clearing his throat.

Luna fidgeted with her dress. "I was just... Ginny is so beautiful and popular, and I'm not much for social gatherings. I don't like the attention. And I knew if I went to the dormitories, someone would already be in there, snogging or whatnot, and I didn't want to deal with that just because, well, I shouldn't have to."

She felt silly until she looked up to see him nodding.

"I didn't like dances much either. Sirius had so many girls after him, James had Lily, Peter was too glad handed, and I just didn't like the attention. They were never my cup of tea."

Smiling and relaxing, she looked at him calmly. "I didn't see you there... I thought you might be ill."

Remus laughed at that, and she felt warmed by his husky chuckle.

"No, but had I gone I might've been. As I mentioned, I hate dances...all the noise, the hormones, and the lights. I think that Minerva might've remembered. She asked me to head the coordination of the dance, and by doing so, I wouldn't have to chaperone." He looked to the sofa cushions he was sitting on and picked aimlessly. Glancing up, he continued, "Had I known it would've been that bad, I might've gone down to lighten the mood."

Luna smiled and looked down, catching a glance of the book she had loaned him, asking him if he read it. He snorted.

"He is such a pompous arse about that. Can't he see that Muggles simply discovered a different way of dealing with things? I mean, so they don't know about some of our world, we don't know about parts of theirs!"

Luna took her feet out of her heels and nodded, tucking said feet under her bum. "I know. He acts as though wizards and witches are so higher up, like we know all..."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Luna suddenly woke up, her head coming up from the edge of the loveseat. Remus was breathing heavily across from her on the sofa. "Remus?" she whispered.

He didn't move, just kept breathing.

Luna crawled out of the makeshift bed, quietly moving across the floor and knelt beside him. He looks so peaceful. Before she could stop herself, she brushed her lips against his.

Even if he would never know, she would. Pulling back, she smiled, that butterfly drunkenly flapping away inside her. She summoned a blanket, gently covering him.

Summoning a blanket of her own, Luna curled back up on the loveseat and fell asleep watching him, utterly content.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Remus woke up, suddenly needing to use the bathroom, and blinked, trying to figure out where he was. Realization hit when he saw Luna sleeping on the loveseat, directly across from him. One of her long legs peeked out from the blanket, and he tried to not stare at it too long. Her legs were fantastic. Hell, she looked fantastic. Seeing her at his door had taken away all ability of speech or coherent thought. Her silver-blue eyes were even more stunning, her hair curled softly, glittering in the candle and torchlight. Her body was wrapped in a sexy pink dress, which showed off those fabulous legs and her cleavage.

What hit his gut more was the knowledge that under all her attractiveness was a quick mind and a desire for learning. She was the whole package, and she didn't mind the fact that he sucked at chess.

He went to the bathroom and re-entered the main room to see her rolling over; that creamy leg turned too, the skirt riding even higher. Wanting to turn away, he found that he couldn't, noting that she wore no hose. Remus walked closer, forcing himself to cover her up.

"Remus."

The voice nearly made him shoot right out of his skin. He quickly looked to see if she was awake, and he blinked when she moaned softly. Kneeling down beside her, he watched her mumble and settle back into deep slumber.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered softly. He leant closer, pressing his lips softly to hers. Even if he'd never yet had the courage to tell her, he would do it before the world came crashing in at least. He would let her know he loved her... somehow. Even if he died.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Luna Lovegood, Luna Lovegood, wake up!" a little voice was telling her in a hushed, strangled whisper.

Luna jerked awake, searching around, and coming into contact with a pair of bulging green eyes.

She ran a hand down her face. "Wha--?"

The house-elf tugged on her arm. "You must come! You must, Luna Lovegood."

Sitting up, she looked at the elf and stared at Remus. "What is it?"

"Lirul was sent to get you for Madame Pomfrey!"

Eyes suddenly came into focus. "What?"

Lirul pulled on her arm until she stood. "Ginny Weasley is in the infirm--" Lirul didn't even finish, and Luna began running to the infirmary, leaving a befuddled and nervous house-elf to straighten the blankets.

The infirmary was silent, save for Luna, who pattered up to the only bed with a lamp on. Poppy intercepted her.

"Luna!"

Staring at the bed, Luna nodded. "Poppy, what--?"

Poppy shook her head. "I found her. She... she was very drunk and beaten quite... quite badly."

Tears stung Luna's eyes. Dumb, dumb Luna. You left her alone, you stupid, stupid fool. "She's all right?"

The mediwitch sighed and looked very serious. "She's just bruised and a little cut. They... they almost got to her before the house-elves happened upon them. They sent little spells and scared the boys off."

Luna tried to get to Ginny, fruitlessly. Poppy wasn't finished apparently.

"Where were you, Luna?"

Opening her mouth, Luna tried to think of a way to explain herself. Explain why she'd left Ginny alone. Nothing came out.

"She's been asking for you. I put her on some pain-stoppers," Poppy finally moved and let Luna go to the bed to sit in the chair near it.

"Gin?" she asked, trying to rouse the redhead. "Ginny?" Luna held her hand, feeling like a git. "I'm sorry, Gin. I let you down tonight."

Ginny sleepily awoke. "Not... not your fault."

Luna leaned closer. "What?"

Eyes slightly glazed, Ginny seemed to try to focus, and then she stopped out of sheer difficulty. "They knew 'bout me and a professor. Knew we'd... we'd done stuff. Wanted to do stuff, too."

Feeling the oxygen escape her lungs, Luna merely gaped.

"Sorry, didn't tell you. Know you're... you're upset. Professor didn't want you to know. They like you all right. Didn't want you mad. Just wanted to... to feel. It's so hard. Being alive now. People dying."

Luna bit her lip. Wait... Like me all right? Does she mean...? No, she couldn't. He wouldn't. Not with her.

"'S hard when you're all alone. No one to feel alive with."

Tears finally dropped, remembering Lupin's sad words one night...how his friends were dead, all but a scant hand count. How lonely it could be. "Who, Ginny? Who was it?"

"Doesn't want me to tell you, 'specially not you. Likes us all right. Thinks we're special," Ginny mumbled.

Holding Ginny's hand, Luna leaned onto the bed, the little butterfly withering inside her and floating to the bottom. She remembered the time in the hallway three weeks back when Remus had said she and Ginny were special and that they would do great things.

Oh, Merlin, I am a fool.

"So... so sorry, Luna."

"It's all right, Gin. It'll be fine."

Southern's Notes: Oh, no! She's thinking it's Lupin. Who the hell is it? I'm quite intrigued!