Are Your Breathing Patterns on Time?

A/N: I do not really own Harry Potter and all things therein. I like to, however, write fun stories about them for my own delight and others.

Getting There is Getting By

By A.R. Taloff/Fenrir

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Chapter III: Are Your Breathing Patterns on Time?

It was evening, and a deeper, silver silence had descended upon Hogwarts during the winter break. Remus was just settling down for the night; it was the first time since the beginning of term he was able to do so without having to clean the red ink from his fingers. He was haphazardly brushing his teeth, shirtless, and staring at the small pile of gifts he'd acquired. Tonks, Minerva, Rolanda: the whole lot of them had decided that this year they would all splurge and buy everyone a gift.

But there was one lonely gift that wasn't from a colleague. It was a medium-sized box, wrapped with colorful paper and a festive bow with ribbons. The card said:

'For the times you need to smile, may this be what colors your day.'

He couldn't figure out who had given it to him. It had shown up only a day before, and while he was never prone to present shaking, he found his patience waning towards this one. He put his thoughts on hold to scrub a bit with the brush, and hearing a knock at the door, grunted around the toothbrush and foam.

The door swung open, and Luna Lovegood burst in, smiling.

Lupin stared in utter shock as her face froze and then melted in mortification. He hadn't seen her about the grounds or in Hogsmeade. He hadn't even realized she was still here.

Glancing down, Remus realized what he was--or wasn't, as the case happened to be--wearing and turned, searching for something that resembled clothing. Pulling his toothbrush out, he began babbling various apologies and excuses, each increasingly worse than the previous one.

Finally deciding he had no other choice, he ran towards her, nicked a coat off the rack, and retreated amidst more apologies. He begged for her to stay, saying that he'd be right back, more dressed than he was at present.

Once inside the bedroom, he sagged against the wall. Of all people he had expected, she was the last person he thought would walk through his door. Nymphadora even ranked higher.

What was she doing here, of all places? Didn't she have a home and family?

Those were questions he'd ask her later, he decided while looking for a shirt.

It wasn't that he was terribly upset about her being there or even seeing him minimally clothed. He'd had fantasies about her where he had worn even less clothes, but then again, she'd been just as unclothed as he. Lupin shook his head at the thought.

I shouldn't be admitting to things like that.

Why? She's old enough. Weren't you there the day she turned 17? Ginny made her wear that sparkly hat that blinked and shot small fireworks.

Regardless, she is a student, and I am her educator.

That's been in your fantasies too, you know...

Shaking his head again to refocus his thoughts, Remus began to button his shirt. He didn't think a tie was necessary, nor a complete buttoning to the very top. Making sure his face and mouth were clean of foam and his pants were zipped, he opened the door quietly to see Luna bending over the chessboard.

It was strange, because some time back a move had been made for the white, and he could not remember doing it himself. It hadn't even seemed like a play he'd ever consider making; it was too reckless. Yet there it had been, so he'd played against it, snatching the white bishop.

Nevertheless, there she was, examining the board properly with a half-smile on her face. Luna, he'd discovered, half-smiled more often than not; she usually did it, though, when she was aware of something no one else knew or when she had a secret. It was an expression that made his blood pump faster than normal.

Stepping closer, his eyes trained on her, he tried to figure out what she was thinking. Remus stopped when she froze momentarily and turned her head.

He grinned lopsidedly at her. "It is a manual movement board. I got it from Arthur Weasley a while back. The pieces are so very attractive, and this way, they never break."

Luna straightened, the half-smile still in place, and he took another couple of steps towards her, leaving only three feet between them at best. "Do you play, Luna?" he asked quietly.

Luna nodded. "In passing, really. Nothing too impressive." She licked her lips, and he felt his own go very dry.

Remus stared into her unnerving silver-blue eyes. Her eyes were very different. It was almost as though he was looking at a very bright autumn sky through gossamer fabric so that the color became diluted.

Taking another step, he continued, "I can't think of what to do next. Strangely, the last time I even had an idea, I don't even remember moving for the white pieces."

Luna's breathing had gone very shallow, and he found that to his liking. She was wearing another hooded sweater of a really deep green, and he could see her pulse bouncing around at the base of her throat. Lupin watched her nod.

Swallowing, he asked, while taking yet another step, "What would you do?"

Luna took a baby step towards him, and he felt each little hair on his body raise up. "I would take the queen," she replied, her voice a little husky.

Tilting his head towards the board a little, he felt a half-smile of his own work its way across his face. "Then why don't you?"

Holding his gaze steady, she moved her rook to take his queen. "Check."

You could kiss her. Right now, at this moment. Just bend a little closer and press your lips against hers.

No, I couldn't.

Yes you could. She's waiting. Look at her. She's waiting for you to make the first move.

I shouldn't.

Why not? She is right there. Her lips are soft. Look, they are already parted, just waiting for you to kiss them.

Her lips had parted a little, but Remus moved back a step and inhaled raggedly, glancing at the chessboard. Looking up, he caught Luna looking away with an odd look on her face.

Trying not to think too long on it, he smiled at her softly. "Would you like to play?"

Luna flickered a glance about the room, blinking as though she'd just woken up. "I... I should really be going. It's just that I wanted to--"

Remus had quelled her babbling by placing a hand on her arm, and now she was staring at it.

"Please. I've not had a decent opponent in a long time, and you seem to be rather good at chess." He smiled, hoping that he had charmed her just a bit.

Luna looked up at him, eyes seemingly trying to puzzle him out. Shrugging, she slid into the plush chair, folded her jean-clad and very long legs up, and tucked her sock-covered feet underneath her bum. "This game probably won't go on that much longer," she said.

Remus smiled and looked at the board, then moved his king over one square. In response, she moved her other rook three squares down. "Checkmate."

His smile kept getting wider as he realized she had thrown him into checkmate. "That was quite brilliant. Another game?"

Luna met his eyes, and he felt himself sink into the silvery blue. "Are you sure?"

Nodding at her, he replied, "Unless you have something more pressing you'd like to do. Perhaps you'd like to discuss the books I lent you?"

She grinned and glanced over to his worktable where the compendium and encyclopedia were stacked.

"You finished them already?" he said, incredulous.

Fixing him with her half-smile, Luna nodded. "I'm a fast reader, and those are two topics I like. Couple that with the fact that I've had nothing else to do, and I finished them very quickly." She shrugged and began moving her pieces back to the front of the board. "I'll be white; you can be black."

Remus felt his chest swell at her and tried to keep a goofy grin off of his face. "That is fine."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

It was three games, two hours, two pitchers of pumpkin juice, one plate of baked goods from the kitchens, two wins for Luna, and one win for Remus later, and Lupin felt as though he could just take flight. Luna's moves were well thought out and followed no general pattern, though Remus felt as though she took it very seriously. After her second win, he asked if she indeed played more than just 'in passing.' She had replied with a softer voice that her mother, and she had played quite often.

Suddenly, something flickered in Lupin's mind. "Luna, why aren't you at home?"

She froze, mid-move, then put the piece down and leaned back to sip her water. Long, silver-gold bangs framed her heart shaped face as she paused in thought. Somewhere in the middle of their first game, she had taken her wand out from the little pocket in the front of her sweater and used it to pin her long hair in a bun. The result had probably been the reason Lupin had lost terribly; it was a sexy and utterly unplanned move--something he appreciated. Tonks had often spent far too long with her ever-changing appearance. Luna seemed to care very little about her own, choosing not to give it more than a passing consideration.

Glancing at her furrowed brow, he lifted an eyebrow in response.

In reply she shook her head. "No one would be there. Business trip, you see."

Remus nodded. In other words, don't ask. She wasn't going to tell him anyway. He moved his bishop and took a pawn.

Luna stared at the board, and then swiftly took revenge by snatching his bishop with her rook.

Lifting a corner of his mouth as she half-smiled, he began looking for a way to beat her. "Luna, you said you broke your arm before, remember? When did that happen?"

Luna looked up, catching his eyes with her own and blinking. Her lips parted slightly as she looked over his shoulder at nothing and thought. He took the moment to stare at her unobserved. Her lips were a very nice color, a dusky rose, and when they were damp, they were enormously delectable, he decided, which made a simple act like her licking them or chewing them almost unbearable.

Meeting his eyes again, she answered with a quiet and steady voice, "I was nine. Just a mistake, like accidents tend to be: a mistake with unfortunate consequences. I had to go find my father and tell him what happened. It wasn't altogether difficult to deal with. The pain of my arm, I mean," she ended, looking at the board and then at him. "Are you going to move, or are we going to just sit here, staring at each other?"

Remus grinned and searched the board again. He settled on moving a pawn. Smiling at her, he saw she was dreaming again. Every once in a while, Luna seemed to leave entirely and retreat to her secret place where things seemed far more interesting.

She reached up and moved a bishop. "Check."

Remus smiled. "Luna, I think I have figured out why you and Ginny seem to be so very good at Defense Against the Dark Arts." Moving his king behind a small blockade of pieces, he looked at her.

Luna, still only partially with him, nodded. "And why is that, sir?"

"It was whispered," he began, "that there was a secret society known as D.A. They stood behind Harry and faced Umbridge."

In response, she took his rook with her knight.

"They practiced things from Defense Against the Dark Arts." He watched her eyes, gauging her reaction. She sighed softly, her nose turning a bit red. "They learned everything from Patronuses to simple countercurses."

Luna looked up and met his eyes. "Yes, they did."

Nodding, Remus smiled. "I always wondered if you had been a part of D.A." Chuckling, he moved a pawn up within range to capture her knight. Running a hand through his hair, he smiled ruefully. "At least you didn't go to the Ministry that night."

She moved a bishop up and grabbed his other rook. "Why do you say that?"

Remus lifted his eyes. There had been something in her voice. Even though she ignored his look, he knew. The air crackled. "Why do you ask?"

Shrugging, she yawned and leaned back, exposing a line of creamy skin and her belly button. Lupin felt his mouth water a moment, and then brought his focus back to what was unfolding between them.

"I just mean, why is it so good that I wasn't there?" Sinking into the chair, Luna opened her eyes and looked at his bookcase.

That tone: it was her tone that was getting to him, and he ventured a little. "Why don't you tell me, Luna?"

"It's your turn, Professor Lupin."

He jumbled a knight forward, leaning in. "You were there."

She maneuvered a rook slightly. "Check."

Moving his knight back, he hissed out a breath. "That night, weren't you?"

The rook snatched his last bishop. "Check."

He took the rook and glared at her. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

A pawn closed in on his queen. "Check."

"Did you see Sirius?" Lupin felt his chest cave in, leaving him unable to breathe. "Did you see him die?"

His breathing was ragged, remembering the sound when Sirius had moved beyond the veil. It had been a moment of shocked silence and the lack of everything, like the whole world had simply ceased. His best friend, the last one he had left, dying. Harry had carried on, and Remus had to behave like the adult and ignore his own feelings.

"I'm sorry," came Luna's soft whisper. "So sorry."

He scoffed. "What would you know?"

She didn't respond.

After a time he looked up to see her opening the door. Turning back to him, she cast a dark look at him, and he felt himself grow cold.

"I suppose I would not know at all how it feels to lose someone you love dearly. I shall leave you be, Professor."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

I suppose I would not know at all how it feels to lose someone you love dearly...

The words kept Remus's thoughts spinning as he quickly moved to the Hallway of No Mrs. Norris.

Turning the corner, he sighed. She wasn't there.

He felt like a grade A cad after she'd left, and he'd properly cooled down. To make matters worse, he began digging through files of her. Every professor had a file on their respective students to know what to expect and what home they came from. It made it easier to zero in on the Muggle-raised kids to help them more if they so needed it.

In Luna's file he found information on her father and mother, particularly the part where her mother had died in an experiment gone awry when Luna had been nine. What right did he have to scoff at her? What right did he have to mourn when she had her mother taken at such an age?

Moving to the window, he braced a hand on the framework. Glancing down at the frost-covered panes, he traced a finger around the paisley patterns. Eventually, the ice melted, and his brow furrowed in thought.

Taking his time, he began to thaw a message for her.

I'm sorry, Luna

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Luna jolted awake. Glancing around, she realized Ginny was not there. Curling under the covers, Luna felt both worried and mildly ashamed. She was worried that Ginny was somewhere, dead or alone, as all she'd left was a note saying:

'Gone home for the night. Mom said Ron and Harry and Hermione might be dropping by!'

Luna tended to be very disbelieving of those notes, as she'd received many like it, only to learn that Ginny was just out partying with boys.

She was ashamed, having been jolted awake by her first sexual dream and liking it. Never having a mother to explain the birds and the bees, Luna had learned textbook knowledge of procreation, menstruation, and anatomy of the sexes. She'd also borrowed a few trashy novels from a friend to get the general gist. But she'd never, ever had a sexual dream. Not once in her life. And now, having one was proving to be a mortifying, if not pleasant experience. Her eyes fell shut at the memory of the dream, at the memory of what had been happening between she and Professor Lupin.

Professor Lupin.

It still hurt, what he'd said. She didn't know why; a lot of people didn't know, didn't care to know, and said ridiculous things like that to her before. It was fairly commonplace, but she'd never felt so pained before. Now it was different. Now she cared.

Sighing, she crawled out of bed and glanced at the clock: 4:30 am. Putting some slippers on her feet, she padded down the staircase to the common room, exited out the portrait hole, and started through the passageway.

After some carefully made turns, she approached the Hallway of No Mrs. Norris. Rubbing her hands up and down her arms, she sighed again and thought about the sleigh ride that she and Ginny had planned on later that morning. She paused to lean against the wall. Hopefully Ginny would show up for it.

The plan was to take a sleigh ride into Hogsmeade, and then have breakfast and shop some more. Luna hoped Ginny still wanted to go. The last time they'd had more fun than Luna had ever had with another female. Being friends with a girl was nice. Just being friends with another person was nice. She could definitely get used to it.

Playing chess with Professor Lupin had been mentally stimulating. More than that, it was nice to talk to someone about books and learning. Ginny, while brilliant, was prone to not talking to other people about things of that nature. Neville had been busy with other pursuits, like Herbology, so Luna left him well enough alone, as he was getting on well with a fellow Ravenclaw. She didn't want to butt in and ruin anything for him. He'd had it rough, and Victoria was a sweet and gentle girl who deserved a sweet and gentle guy like Neville.

Moving to her windowsill, she paused and bent down to look at the frost. What did that say?

Straightening, Luna bit her lip, exhaled, and read: 'I'm sorry, Luna.'

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Clouds lightly covered the sun, and it looked as though it might snow. Luna waited with the sleigh driver in front of Hogwarts. Glancing at her watch, she smiled at the driver, who had already waited fifteen minutes.

"Five more and I'll go. I'll pay you for your troubles. I am very sorry," she apologized. She was very glad her cheeks were probably already rosy from the chilled air so that he wouldn't see her embarrassed blush.

The driver shrugged and took a sip of something warm from his thermos.

Luna shifted her weight from foot to foot, trying to keep herself a little warmer. Her hooded, fur-lined coat--brushed from chinchillas, as Luna was a firm believer in old fur going to use--was rather nice in winter, and with the hood up, it made a nice little pit of heat. Her jeans, however, weren't altogether helpful between her calf-high boots and mid-thigh coat.

The driver looked up and smiled, then waved. "OI!" he cried. "Took you long 'nuff! She's been waiting for nigh on twenty minutes!"

Luna grinned and turned, pushing her hood down and shouting, "GINNY!"

Professor Lupin smiled back, lifting an eyebrow.

Grin fading, Luna eyed him warily as he approached.

"Hello, Professor Lupin," she said evenly.

His eyes were soft, "Good morning, Luna."

The driver grunted. "Getting on?" he queried.

Luna looked at the driver, then turned back to Professor Lupin. "I have to--" She blinked at the empty space where the Professor had been. Glancing around, she saw him holding out a hand at the entrance to the sleigh.

"Are you coming?" he asked quietly.

Mouth agape, she merely goggled at him.

Smiling gently, he reached out and took hold of her hand, pulling her towards the sleigh.

Partway, she forcefully pulled her hand out of his and mounted the sleigh without his aid. Luna sat as close as humanly possible to the side, and looked away. Lifting a brow, Lupin climbed up as well, sitting next to her and smiling at the driver, who harrumphed and smacked the reins against the horses' rumps.

Luna tried to ignore him as much as she could, but found herself failing miserably. Their legs were touching, side-by-side. And if that were not bad enough, she felt like leaping at him, begging for them to be all right again, and finding out if indeed he was the one who'd written the message in the frost.

Plus, he was staring at her, which unnerved her to no end.

"I am sorry, Luna. I meant it."

Ducking her head, Luna felt like dying. Why did he do that?

She looked at him for a moment, and then looked away. "It's fine."

"No, it isn't. I didn't--still don't--have the right to say those things to you, or anyone else." He sighed. "The wounds are still too fresh."

Luna nodded. She knew about fresh wounds. "It's understandable."

"Is it?"

She felt his eyes upon her, and Luna turned to meet them. "Yes." Biting her lip a little, she continued, "It happened not long back, and then there was Dumbledore. I imagine that would be very difficult to bear."

Lupin's eyes were so deep and wistful. He looked utterly conflicted, and that confused her a little. But nothing worried her more than the desire to kiss him. He was so close... close enough to just press her lips to his, to taste him, to feel what it was like to give and take from someone.

Shivering, she pulled away and focused on the floor of the moving sleigh.

"Are you cold?" he asked, leaning closer to her.

Luna turned and looked at him, trying to avoid eye contact, for surely he would know how badly she was reacting to him. "A bit, yes," she said quietly, catching his eyes. There was something in his gaze that looked like he wanted to--no, that is silly.

The sleigh jerked to the side, and they were thrown apart. Luna took the moment to quickly try to hide her guilt over such feelings. Reigning in any desire she had for him, she took a deep breath and turned in his direction, surprised to find him holding a blanket. He carefully gave her an edge, and when their hands brushed, she felt sparks in her hand. She looked up quickly, his eyes meeting hers, and she swallowed, busying herself by tucking the blanket around her legs.

The only problem was that it drew them even closer together.

"What brings you out today?" she asked, finally able to speak.

He cleared his throat. "I just wanted to clear my head. Walks generally help with that, I find."

Luna nodded. "That's what I do, though you already know that."

Professor Lupin smiled. "What brings you out?"

Sighing, she looked out to the woods. "I was supposed to go on a sleigh ride with Ginny, though it seems she is not here." Luna didn't want to dump her exhaustive life on him; they weren't that well acquainted.

"I take it," he replied thoughtfully, "that this will be a long ride?"

Luna once again was enormously thankful that she was already red cheeked. "Yes--er, well, no. Not exactly... I'm not sure. Ginny set it up, but our goal was to take it to Hogsmeade."

He laughed then, a deep, hearty, rich sound, which made Luna's body react in ways reminiscent of the dream that had awoken her so suddenly the night before.

"It's all right. I don't have anything to do. It is the holidays, so I don't entirely mind actually having company and doing something other than sitting in my room."

At that, Luna felt deeply pleased. He enjoyed being out today, even if it was because he pitied her.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

When the sleigh slowed to a halt, Luna was laughing, and she felt high as a kite: high above everything with not a care in the world. It felt wonderful and liberating. Professor Lupin was laughing too, and for once she didn't mind the feelings that were slowly building up inside of her. She would ignore those feelings for these brief moments of utter happiness that they were sharing. Merlin, she wished they'd never stop, but here was Hogsmeade, and the sleigh ride was over.

Lupin helped her down, and she paid the driver double the galleons that the ride had cost. The driver smiled heartily at her and wished her a wonderful Christmas.

Luna turned and looked at Professor Lupin, smiled at him, and tried to think of a way to say good-bye without begging him to stay or revealing how horribly depressed she would feel if he left.

He looked around, inhaled, and then met her eyes. "Would you like to go have breakfast?"

Luna felt her smile widen even more. "I'd really like to. I'm quite hungry," she said, trying very hard not to jump up and down.

Professor Lupin grinned too, and she thought, for just a moment, that he looked relieved.

That is just silly.

He pointed to a place, and they started towards it while Luna tried to ignore the feelings that were threatening to burst from her like confetti from a New Year's popper.

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Extra A/N: Once again, I hope this chapter passes the test! I'm thankful to all those people who've reviewed; you guys are sweet and nice to write thorough commentary. This is my first HP fanfic, and while I'm sure it showed, I still appreciate the interest you've shown. Also, thanks to the lovely NSS who kindly took my little fic and translated it into decent wordage for the masses. Thanks also still go to James; your song is driving this little fic along quite nicely.