1: Double, Double

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Draco felt as if he were underwater, floating somewhere behind his own eyes. Lovegood was nowhere to be seen. He tried to turn to look for her, but his neck refused to move. He started to speak...something along the lines of 'What the fuck?' came to mind...but not only did nothing come out of his mouth, his mouth didn't even move.

"Oh, this is interesting. I've never been this tall before."

Who said that? And why do they sound like... me?

"Hi, Draco! It looks like my experiment worked! I'm inside you now! Well, my mind is in your brain, however that works. I wonder where my body is?" She didn't sound terribly concerned.

You're... inside... me?

"Yes, isn't it fascinating?" She drew his wand and began Summoning her various tools and ingredients, tidying up the space. "I like your wand, though I have to admit, it's a bit awkward for me. Hawthorne, right? What sort of core does it have?"

Help! Help! I've been violated by a mad witch! I'm being held prisoner in my own mind! Somebody, HELP!

Lovegood continued the process of packing her equipment and making notes, wobbling unsteadily in the unfamiliar frame. "Oops!" Draco had the hideous sensation of falling without being able to react in any way, shape, or form.

Aaaaah!

"How do you sort out these legs? I mean, you're not terribly tall for a boy, but they're still longer than mine. It's a bit like wearing high heels without standing on tiptoes."

Lovegood! You need to find your body, vacate mine, and start groveling! Otherwise, your great-great grandchildren will still be trying...and failing...to make up the point deficit for Ravenclaw!

"You sounded almost like Professor Snape for a moment." She giggled. She actually had the audacity to use his vocal cords to giggle!

This isn't funny! I'm going to find Snape, and he'll sort this out. Then, you will be EXCEEDINGLY sorry. The problem with that plan was that Draco had absolutely no control over his own limbs. Although, somewhat to his chagrin, he could feel what was happening to him, and his backside was sore from landing on stone. To say nothing of cold.

"No, not just yet. Besides, you would probably need to consult Professors Snape, Flitwick, and Vector...my Switching Procedure incorporates Potions, Charms, and Arithmancy." He could feel waves of quiet happiness and a placid sense of accomplishment wash over him. He realized that they were hers and felt vaguely nauseated.

You can't seriously have wanted to be a broom?

"Not permanently. My experiment was set for five minutes, just so I could find out if I could control the broom with my own consciousness and determine if I could feel any sensations. Of course, the time limit might not apply precisely anymore. I may not have quite worked through all of the Arithmantic variables in my head when you volunteered to stand in for the broom."

Volunteered?!

"Were you going anywhere in particular before you decided to stop in and participate in my experiment?" Thankfully, Lovegood had decided to stand, tired of getting their (currently collective) arse frozen off.

If you must know, I was on my way to the loo when I was kidnapped by your hare-brained 'experiment!'

"Hmm. Now that you mention it, this is rather uncomfortable. We mustn't let this wait any longer...that could be embarrassing."

She started to amble out the door, absently trailing Potter's Firebolt behind... them. Coming up with pronouns to deal with this situation was making Draco's mind hurt.

"Since we're both here, I think that first person plural works nicely."

What are you talking about? No, wait...what are you doing?

"I was talking about the pronouns. As to what I'm doing, I've always been curious to know what it's like to pee standing up."

NO! You can't go in there!

"Why not? You're a boy." Lovegood blithely pushed the door to the boy's bathroom open and carefully propped the broom up in a corner. Draco's relief that there were no witnesses to this peculiar conversation was tempered by the fact that someone not himself was about to open his trousers, entirely without his permission.

But you're not! And you're not...oh no, you're not! No looking at...at me! Don't you dare!

"But we have to go."

Stop talking when there's no one around. People are going to think I'm crazy!

"There really isn't anyone around except for you and me. Who's going to hear? Besides, people always think I'm crazy."

I'M NOT YOU!

She continued as if she hadn't heard him. "You get used to it. And it helps to sort out who your real friends are."

Draco ranted incoherently for a bit just because it was all he could do.

I didn't mean to upset you. I'll keep quiet, if it makes you happy.

What would make me happy is having my body back!

Doesn't it get lonely in here?

No. I always thought a certain amount of solitude was desirable, especially when urinating. Hey! Stop looking!

I don't think I can aim without looking. Can I?

Oh, God. This is wretched.

Not really. I mean, it is sort of funny looking, but it's a nice handy size. I imagine that it's terribly convenient for travel and the like.

Lovegood, I'm sure that this information will be of limited use to you... But I feel compelled to point out that telling a man his penis is a 'nice' size goes over about as well as telling a girl she has a 'good personality.'

Oh.

Draco had the distinct feeling that his body was standing slack-jawed in front of a urinal, exposed and uncommonly dim-looking.

How would you describe it, then? I thought 'nice' was one of the better adjectives. Otherwise, it's sort of... squishy... and it almost looks as if it's trying to hide in that sleeve sort of thing...what's that called again?

I...we...NO. We are NOT discussing my penis! Which you are handling entirely too much, I might add!

But it feels sort of nice.

Draco reckoned that his eyes had never been fixed on any portion of his anatomy...or anyone else's...for such an unholy amount of time. Did the girl not know how to blink?

Put. It. Back. NOW.

All right. But... why is it doing that?

It's not doing anything. You imagined it.

No, look! It did it again!

If anyone walked in now, Draco was done for. This would be public humiliation on a scale heretofore unimagined by any Hogwarts student. Goodbye, Amazing Bouncing Ferret; hello, Amazing Bouncing...

Put it back! And stop looking!

Hmm. All I was thinking about was Harry and his broom and...oh, there it goes again!

Lovegood, I swear, if anyone finds out about this, I'll kill you. Using Crucio. Over the course of several days.

Hey, this is cool! I can tell what you're thinking! Yes, Harry does look really good on his broom, doesn't he? So athletic... really rather graceful with his hair whipping in the wind...

...

Wow, it's not only up, it's much bigger now. You're right. 'Nice' wasn't quite adequate. It's definitely not 'squishy' anymore, either.

...

Draco? Are you crying? Why are you crying? What's wrong?

Please, Lovegood. Think of Filch and that ugly cat of his.

OK. But why? Oops. Down it went.

Thank God. Draco sighed internally. It wasn't very satisfying, but it was all he could do at the moment.

Filch is sort of gross. Can we think of Harry again? I like Harry. It was nice seeing him from your perspective.

No!

There it goes again.

Lovegood! It isn't a yo-yo! STOP PLAYING WITH IT!

I'm not playing. I'm just thinking. Or is that how you play with it? If so, boys have a far richer interior life than I would have imagined.

We are not having this discussion. How would you like it if we were in your body, and I just started playing with... things?

She continued washing his hands, intent on the unfamiliar (to her) fingers. He could only glimpse his expression in the mirror, noting a very slight frown of thought. It was painfully annoying, not being able to control where his eyes went. Among other things.

Well, I suppose it would depend on how good a job you did.

...

Draco?

...

Um... it's...

Yes. I noticed.

So, you like both boys and girls? That's interesting. I never really considered liking other girls before, but I suppose it would open up all sorts of possibilities. You actually have double...well, at least, more...options, since not all boys like other boys...

She was drying his hands now, her actions as untroubled and methodical as if it were a regular thing to take over someone else's body and discuss alternative sexuality with her victim's conscious mind.

I think it would be better for my sanity if we didn't have this discussion.

Then, there are girls who only like other girls...

I can see why you're absolutely barking. I will be, too, shortly, if I don't get away from these thoughts. Expect to be Obliviated with extreme prejudice once I find a way to evict you from here.

Why? If you really don't want anyone to know, I won't say anything.

Well... All right, then.

But that would sort of defeat the purpose, I mean, if you're trying to increase your odds of finding someone...

Stop. Stop. STOP. You mental little COW. If I ever get my body back, I'll end up in the droolers' ward at St. Mungo's, and I'm taking you with me.

Do you mean the Janus Thickey Ward? I've never seen anyone drooling in there.

Draco thought that it wasn't very surprising that Looney Lovegood was familiar with the de facto looney bin. He declined to actually say so in hopes of avoiding further discussion on the topic.

Of course, he forgot the tiny detail that, at the moment, his thoughts were far from private.

I don't think it's very nice to talk about the patients that way.

Draco felt a funny shiver and sort of hated Lovegood. Why couldn't she just scold him, like a teacher (or like Granger)? That way he could ignore her. Why did she have to say it so gently, so matter-of-factly?

It's not me. I think that's called 'guilt.' But really, if you feel that way, it's easy to fix. Just be a little nicer.

I don't feel guilty.

Being nice isn't that hard. You could start by smiling more.

She walked over to the mirror and demonstrated. You look really nice when you smile. You should try it more often. She practiced several permutations of smiles, each time making his eyes wider and more incongruously guileless.

Lovegood, if McGonagall sees me looking like that, she'll put me in detention for a month for using controlled substances. Snape would put me in detention for that smile. And he would administer Veritaserum to find out what I was on. Or up to.

"But Harry seems to like it when I smile at him like that. He always smiles back, even when he's really sad." She drifted over to the corner where she'd left the Firebolt propped up. Draco wondered how the hell she moved like that, even as he objected to the return to audible dialogue.

Think it, don't say it!

Speaking of thinking... what, exactly, is it that you're thinking about Harry?

That's private!

Something about him smiling... and his broom...

Lovegood!

Oh, WOW.

Kill me now.

I'm really impressed, Draco. I mean, that one's even better than some of mine. We should compare notes.

You... have fantasies... about Potter?

Oh, yes! Would you like to see?

NO!

It's just my mind, Draco. It's not the Forbidden Forest.

I think I'd rather be in the Forbidden Forest.

It's quite nice in the Forbidden Forest. At least, it is when the Centaurs are in a good mood.

Oh, it's lovely, I'm sure.

For all her ability to hear his every thought, sarcasm seemed lost on Lovegood. It is. See?

The fantasy that Draco had very specifically requested NOT to see was put on view. With stunning clarity. Leaving him speechless. Thoughtless? He was getting confused.

Luna was...unfortunately...not speechless. How do you make it through the day with your penis popping up and down like that all the time?

Luna, normally, I try to avoid having sexual fantasies quite all day long...

That must take a lot of self-control, considering some of those fantasies. Thank you for calling me Luna. Why the change?

I... just saw you... naked... with Potter ravishing you on a bed of moss and violets... while some very spooky trees seemed to actually be watching. I feel like we're more or less on first name terms at this point.

Oh. Okay!

Is it possible to die of embarrassment?

I don't know why you're embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. The one with the broom was quite creative. And hot. I really liked it.

Lovegood...

The Quidditch robes were sexy. And sort of festive with all that red and green. I would never have thought to use the leather wrist guards that way.

Luna, I'm asking NICELY. You have no idea what an effort that is.

I think we need some privacy. Somewhere a little nicer than the toilet.

She wandered off down the corridor. Between dealing with an unaccustomed bulge between unfamiliar legs and just being Luna, their progress was irregular, to say the least.

Luna! You're walking like...people are going to think we're drunk! Do you know what Professor Snape does to Slytherins he suspects are drunk, in public, during school hours?

Well, yes. It's quite clear in your mind. That doesn't sound pleasant at all.

No shit.

The last classes of the day are finishing up. It's not likely he'll see us.

Damn! You made me miss... Hmm. Okay... I don't really care about missing Care of Magical Creatures.

Why not? Magical creatures are fascinating.

They're bloody dangerous.

That makes them even more interesting. You don't need to be so scared of everything, you know.

I'm not scared! Not, ah, of everything. What are you, a closet Gryffindor?

No. I just like it when things are interesting.

I hope I'm wrong about this... But you just thought of me as a magical creature, didn't you?

Yes, an Auricominus. It's a little bit like a cross between a Veela and a Unicorn. It might be easier to call it a Veelacorn, all things considered, but I don't name these things. It's sort of like a really pretty, cranky, Centaur.

I... Was that a compliment?

Sure. Why not.

I give myself ten more minutes, fifteen at the outside, before there's no hope for my return to sanity.

Here's a nice spot for privacy.

I don't want to know why we need privacy. At least, I'm fairly certain I don't.

You're probably right.

Luna cast a Cushioning Charm in the space before the window, then added another against draughts. She sighed and stretched out in a patch of evening sunlight, resting the Firebolt against Draco's chest and pressing his cheek against the handle, inhaling the scent of broom polish.

Hmm. Not bad wand work. Draco had little hope of warding off what appeared to be inevitable at this point, but he had to try.

Thank you.

I don't suppose I can talk you out of this.

Out of what? She was already caressing the length of the broom affectionately, almost as if playing some sort of musical instrument.

Draco felt some small sense of relief when she closed his eyes. Sharing a brain with Luna was quite enough to drive him mad. The sight of his fingers all over the wood that spent so much time between Potter's legs... Well, that was almost certainly...

"This is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And that's really saying something, considering."

Oh, no. Please, no.

Fuck.

Up next: Chapter 2..."Trouble." Dear SeverusLovesUs is wading through a sea of ellipses to make it fit for posting even as we speak. :D