"the addition, omission and manipulation of words can affect the perceptions of a reader."
--Very much agree with you. : )

--mm

Probably because of my age, I have no problem with Severus' feelings for Hermione as my last review indicates. I read Hermione's story, first.  Severus is correct. My great grandmother died when I was 26 years old.  She had been married at 12 and had my grandfather at age 13.  I got to hear all of her stories straight from her own mouth.  I was engaged in 11th grade to a man 7 years older than I was, got married at 18 and I'm still married to him 34 years later.  I've known him since I was 14.  I was very mature for my age. When I was 15 I prayed that God would give me someone like him for a husband someday, and I got him.  I guess he was the only person like him.  I hadn't thought I'd get to actually marry him at the time, because of our age difference.  I didn't imagine he would be interested in someone my age. He asked me out for coffee when I was 16, and I brought my boyfriend who happened to be named Ron with me. LOL!  I had no idea it was a date!  I thought he was just being nice. He never said anything, he was very gentlemanly, but I figured it out later.

I admit I thought it was hot either way. I am sure if it were my own daughter it would piss me off and I would take action, but if it were me it would not have been so bad. I have always had a thing for older men, and I mean OLDER men at least twice my age. I do not condone this type of thinking/action but again for myself personally I would have been ok with it.

Now, I don't like how her response is dismissed. One must remember, many prodigy (or near prodigy) children are mature beyond their years. She might believe completely in what she says. Some fourteen year olds may know their own minds. I think it unkind to presume she is not old enough to know what is best for her.

That was frightening, but I've read stories where he does much worse, and it is frightening the reactions around him. 

I think since he refuses to act on his desire, he is quite honorable.  A little squicky, though. 

I loved the story and am glad to see you postingon this site!I think this should be more than a one-shot,i'd like t see this showing how Severus takes care of her through the years and then when shes older they have a realtionship.

Hmm. That does make a lot of difference!!! I agree with you that the ick factor does rise.

The second version is a good contrast to the first, without his internal rationalisation in this version he is much more menacing. However, regardless of the society's mores, in either story he should not be sneaking into her room. I would think this would also apply in societies where they marry their girls off at a younger age.

Yep, much different perspective. Creepy indeed. glad you've posted this version as well, and I love your author's notes. Good job.

A bit more frightening that way, but still very good writing. 

I think not hearing Hermione's response does make the last line much creepier, only because, without it, it can be assumed that she was very frightened. As for Snape looming over her - with no inner monologue, honestly if I hadn't read the first, I wouldn't have understood the second as we have no idea what his intentions are (given that he backs away when she stirs but then reapproaches a second later). Him brushing his fingers across her hair could be good indication of that though and it does seem as if he has every intention of acting.  

You are completely right. This is just plain creepy – especially that last line “…seeking the shadow that moved beyond the shadow…” That gave me chills. It really is amazing what changing a few words will do.

I always find it interesting to see the variety of opinions presented in the reviews on TPP and I would hate it if people stopped posting because they feel pilloried. However, there is no rule that says "you must not review when you dislike aspects of the story". I am a firm believer in "constructive criticism", i.e. say what you don't like, explain why, but don't insult anyone. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" only results in "ostrich policy" sometimes.Having said that, I would like to get to the point: the omissions gave the story an amazingly different twist. This part is definitely more creepy, because a) you don't get any idea of the man's intentions, which makes you assume the worst, and b) you don't learn of Hermione's feelings for him. A very interesting experiment! While the first chapter makes it very clear, that in spite of his wishes and dreams, Snape is determined to wait for her, respects and even treasures her (although I don't like this "put her on a pedestal and don't let her do anything you deem bad for her" attidude), the second insinuates that this might indeed end in some pedophile sex/rape situation.While chapter 1 only made me want to have some rather fervent discussions with the man, chapter 2, if it were real, would make me act (i.e. call the police) immediately.

I actually found the first version creepier, because he was trying to rationalize his lust and longing for a 14-year-old girl out loud into the night, and for some weird reason I couldn't fathom she liked it, which just spoke of... I don't know. Bad things? That was a horribly anticlimatic end to that sentence, sorry, haha. But it just seemed equally creepy that she was happy for the attentions of this mean, creepy older guy leaning over her at night whispering to the dark his longing for her and actually calling himself a pedophile... her response, to decide to wait for him, was weird and... I don't know. Basically, (long windedly...) I found the first version creepier. Both are creepy, of course.I know you didn't intend to start this hullabaloo, and contrary to a lot of angry people I think it's obvious, and I think you know this as well because you seem rational, that SW69 wasn't trying to attack YOU or your actual story at all. I'm sorry for all the craziness though, haha.

Being in his point of view in the first version definitely changes the impact. This is something I've noticed in one of my favorite WIPs (unfortunately not on this site--Bride of the Potions Professor on ashwinder). It's a MLC where the entire story is told via Hermione's pov, and the two of them are forced into the marriage. It's extremely angsty and painful and a lot of readers despise Severus so much that they stopped reading, but I realized that we are never in his pov, we only see his actions and reactions but never know what he's thinking, if he's hurt or angry or suffering. We just know she is, and are angry at him for not being more sensitive. I've gone back and reread the story and put myself in his shoes, how her actions and reactions must look to HIM, and it's amazing how--if we actually went into his pov--our entire view of him might shift. OTOH, I think staying in her pov is exactly what the author intended for just that reason.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but there is no doubt about it, being in a character's pov gives you great insights and in this particular case--your story--already murky territory gets worse when we don't know what he's thinking, just as it could have been worse if his thoughts had been more salacious.

I thought the original story was well written but the name was creepy.  I know why you wrote this and you do not have to apologize to anyone.  There are alot of people that write stories when she is 17 or 16 (where she has a crush on him) and no one says boo.  I happen to like the stories when she has graduated and hasn't seen him in forever.  I think most teenagers can't get beyond themselves, let alone think about other people or relationships.  If the story is at all creepy then it would be that Hermione would think that this man is what she wants especially at that age.  She hasn't not even lived yet.  This story...well done

Yes, it's creepy, but for me as equally creepy as the first version you posted with the monologue.  The thought of someone watching minors sleep, especially someone in authority, is what gives it the creep factor for me - this was portrayed in both versions.  However, this story did not disturb me as it may others due to the fact that nothing sexual happened - this is my opinion so please don't shoot me down.  Just for the record, and so to clarify my position, I do not find it erotic or hot.I know that there has been quite a bit of controversy regarding some readers opinion about the monologue version.  I hope that readers will still review honestly.

Yeah, still creepy as all get out!  And I still love the exploration :)

yes now it just feels creepy, because we aren't in his head so we can only imagen and we always imagen the worst.

I had to come see what the fuss was about and I find myself thinking much like Mazzy. It IS rather creepy, he shouldn't be there in her room. but he's not intending to Do anything until she is of age.

I dislike his attitude that her innocence is a jewel. that he doesn't want her touched by young men her own age. If he really cared what was best for her, he'd want her to have some boyfreinds (with the emphasis on boys- her own age) But he does seem attracted to her mind and character. it was much less creepy than it would have been otherwise.

He's forgeting that even a hundred years ago many girls didn't start their periods until middle, and even late teens. And teen mothers are less healthy. But it was less creepy than I'd expected.

And well-written! and thought-provoking. I like my thoughts to be provoked!

Your Snape calling himself a pedophile made me think of Steve in 'Show BOat' telling the sherif he has 'Nigger Blood' in him. he used the word nigger to provoke a response.- to shock.

That said, I must say that your Snape is no more JKR's Snape than I am. I would have put an Out of Character warning on the story.

Thanks, Ms Figg, for making us think and discuss.
-Wahoo

Due to what seems to be all the "hub-bub" my curiousity got the best of me and I had to check out what all the fuss was about :) Now that I read this, I honestly don't see it as a sexually charged fic other than Snape calling himself 'pedophile'. It seems he is more interested in Hermione as a whole person - not a sex object - and it also seems that he is "turned on" - for lack of a better phrase - by her mind and personality rather than by her under developed body. He may be turned on by that too - as he does refer to himself as 'pedophile' - but that is not what seemed to be the emphasis to me. Anyway, I thought it was well written and obviously a touchy subject matter. For me it seemed to focus on the man being 'smitten' rather than turned on so if that was the intent it read that way for me.

Just so you know...Still love your work. Saw where you were going with this and took it as such.

i fully agree with southern witch and muggline. there is nothing hot about this. i would be disgusted with myself if i felt turned on by this.by enjoying anything to do with this subject you are only contributing to the issue. And to THOSE who find this sexy and hot please remember that condoning this sort of action you are almost as bad.try living through it, try being that young girl that is preyed upon, try being the defenceless child.maybe if you think about it from that point of view YOU WILL RELISE THERE IS NOTHING SEXY ABOUT IT

I must say that I totally agree with Southern Witch. I am glad that these so-called good old days are over, when women died at the age of 30 from having too many children at too young age, where men "had to" marry a new young woman every 10 years or so, because the old one was spent and had died. And I am very glad that I live in a country where children are not married off as teenagers. Romanticising teenage pregnancy - sorry, I do not find that erotic at all.