Chapter Three

Author's Note: All the characters you recognize belong to J.K. Rowling, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for uncounted hours of enjoyment. I earn no monetary compensation for this story; my only gain is the enjoyment I bring my readers.

Many thanks to CharmedForce and Sempra, betas extraordinaire:) Without their help, the commas would be askew and I wouldn't have had the courage to post this-except they laughed in the right places:)

Chapter Three

Daily Prophet

Girl Reporter Seeks Fiancé.

My Rabid Readers know that I am required to find myself a husband under the terms of the Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act.

It's a lucky thing she's young enough to be covered by it, too. She'd never find a husband otherwise....Editor

I thought my Rabid Readers would find it amusing to follow along on my search for Mr. Perfect. I received a list of three candidates, just as all the ordinary witches and wizards in Britain did. Now I have to figure out which of the three is the best match for little old me.

I think every young woman dreams of the man she will marry and has hopes for the kind of person he will be. When I think of my own Prince Charming, my requirements are really quite simple. I want him to be handsome, charming, and passionate.

She had a crush on Fenrir Greyback during the war, said he had a lot of ' animal magnetism'...Editor.

Wealthy would be nice.

She'll be happy with any wizard with a steady job at this point....Editor.

Since I am just a little bit famous myself (ooh!), it would be nice if he were famous too so he can understand the burdens that fame places on one.

Aren't her fifteen minutes up yet?...Editor.

I have always been partial to tall, dark and handsome, Rabid Readers, and the candidate on my list that comes closest to it is...wait for it...Severus Snape. I didn't study Potions at Hogwarts, so he was never my teacher, but the stories about him are LEGEND.

She didn't study Potions at Hogwarts because Professor Slughorn kicked her out of class for knocking down a whole shelf of ingredients the first day of class. And because Slughorn was still the Potions instructor, the reader can deduce that Snape wasn't yet teaching at Hogwarts when Skeeter was a student there. This will give the observant reader a clue about her age. As for Snape being tall, dark, and handsome... he IS tall, and he certainly has dark hair. But handsome? The man is a war hero, a very brave man whom I admire tremendously, but even he would question what she has been smoking, calling him handsome....Editor.

He's really very handsome, in a sort of Lord Byron-esque, brooding way. And most gentlemen do prefer blondes. I'll invite him to be my escort for the Memorial Ball at the Ministry. I'm sure he'll be utterly dazzled to be asked, and just think how gorgeous my blonde curls will look against those billowing black robes he wears. (And, my darlings, have you seen the shoulders on that guy? A MILE wide! Squeeee!) Delicious! Wish me luck, Rabid Readers! I promise you'll hear all about my Magical Evening the second I can set quill to parchment!

I'm sending her a list of Potioneers who can make Felix Felicis, just in case...Editor.

...Rita Skeeter, Girl Reporter...

~OoO~

Severus Snape looked down in distaste at the Ministry envelope lying on his plate, then, with a fatalistic sigh, picked it up and opened it. Might as well read the letter at once and see whom the dunderheads at the Ministry thought would be appropriate mates for him.

He skimmed the official Ministry text, muttering "Yada yada yada," under his breath, followed by a moan as he read the names at the bottom of the parchment.

Miss Hermione Jean Black, Head Girl, Seventh-Year student, Gryffindor House, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogsmeade, Scotland.

NOT BLOODY LIKELY. I have no desire to be tied to a frizzy-haired, chattering Know-It-All who is STILL best friends with the bloody Boy Who Lived. I would spend all my time having to cast Silencio and get nothing else done.

Miss Rita Skeeter, Reporter, the Daily Prophet

Not even if they dipped her in yogurt and covered her in chocolate buttons.

Miss Dolores Jane Umbridge, Clerk, Department of Magical Vital Statistics

Oh, Merlin on a Motorcycle! ONE COUGH, just ONE... at the first hem... hem... I would dice her into little tiny bits, cast Avada Kedavra on whatever was left, and then turn my wand on myself. It would be cold-blooded murder, to be sure, but the Dementors could not take my soul because I would already be dead!

Enclosed you will find form 2221B, (Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act Prenuptial Agreement,) and form 3331B, (Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act Marriage Certificate.) Form 2221B must be filled out completely by both parties and returned to the Ministry before any nuptial ceremony is entered into. Form 3331B must be filled out at the time of the marriage ceremony, by both parties, the officiator of the ceremony, and two mentally competent witnesses.

Who do they think we are, Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet?

Your marriage will be ratified upon verification of the consummation of your union.

Did I WANT to know that?

In closing, please bear in mind that you have thirty (30) days from receipt of this letter to contract and solemnize your marriage. Consequences for failing to do so will result in penalties ranging from 14 days in Azkaban Prison to wand snapping and banishment to the Muggle world.

With all good wishes for your future happiness, I remain,

Your obedient servant,

Bet she wouldn't say that if I asked her to scrub cauldrons.

Dolores Jane Umbridge

Clerk

Department of Magical Vital Statistics.

~OoO~

Snape rested his head on his hands. He caught sight of a movement near his elbow and without looking up, he moaned, "Albus, you might as well just kill me now. Look at this list of prospective mates the idiots at the Ministry have dug up for me."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not Albus. Pardon me for interrupting your meal, but your name has been sent me as an acceptable marriage candidate, and I thought we ought to discuss it."

Snape looked up at the sound of Hermione's voice and sighed deeply. Hermione had the impression that he was counting backwards from a thousand. By twos. In Greek. She drew in a deep breath, refusing to allow him to see how nervous she was.

"Miss Granger...no, it's Miss Black now, I had forgotten. Couldn't you have kept your original name till you graduated from school, at least?"

I can only suppose your name was put on my list as a kind of punishment for being a Death Eater. They couldn't hang enough on me to sentence me to the Dementor's Kiss, so they went for the next-worst thing.

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, looking down his (admittedly) long nose at her with a sneer on his lips.

Hermione had developed a talent for reading upside down, and she barely paid attention to his comments. Instead, she was craning her neck to see who his other two candidates were.

"Rita Skeeter and Dolores Umbridge? I daresay, Professor, your matches are worse than mine. I offer you my condolences."

"Eh? Er...thank you for your sympathy, Miss Gra...er, Miss Black."

Wonder who they chose for her, and who she ticked off at the Ministry to wind up with me on her list.

"May I be permitted to inquire who the Ministry has chosen for you?"

Hermione dropped into an empty chair next to him and made a face.

"My other choices are Firenze and Professor Flitwick."

How suitable. She has been described as having a wild 'mane' of hair, after all.

Before he could stop himself, Snape snickered. Then, as Hermione watched, puzzled, his snicker turned into a strangled cough.

"It seems that someone at the Ministry has it in for you, as well, Miss Gra...rather, Miss Black. Dash it all, girl! It's quite too late for you to be changing your name at this point. Whose dolly did you break at the Ministry?"

She laughed and a wicked glint came into her eyes. "You should see how Mr. Malfoy struggles with it. He looks at me, and I can see that he is thinking Mudblood , and then he remembers and calls me 'Miss Black'. He can't bear to call me by my first name, and he makes horrible faces when he has to say I'm his niece. As for whose dolly I broke... the only person I know at the Ministry besides Arthur and Percy Weasley is ... um... Miss Umbridge."

"She has a rather vindictive nature, Miss G...Black."

Not to mention you're forty years younger than she, orders of magnitude more intelligent and prettier...whoa, where did THAT come from? It IS true, but when did you start paying attention to how pretty a student was, Snivellus?

"So it seems, Professor. But whether she is out to get me or not, I still need to marry within thirty days or risk being banned from wizarding Britain. It sounds as if your options are no better than mine, so... I'm ... well... asking for your hand in marriage, Professor Snape, since you would be far better than either of my other candidates."

What a completely absurd situation...she is asking for MY hand in marriage!

"This imbecilic law! I take it you have no particular tendresse for Firenze or Professor Flitwick?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I'm very fond of Professor Flitwick. He's a very good teacher. Professor Sprout would have my guts for garters if I proposed to him, though. As for Firenze... no. Just no. It's not that he's a Centaur; it's that he teaches DIVINATION. Ewww."

"Ah, yes, we all know how you feel about Divination."

The entire staff, make that the entire CASTLE, and possibly all of wizarding Britain, knows how Hermione Granger...dash it all to HADES!...Hermione Black, feels about the mystical art of Divination. Not that I blame her.

"Miss Gra...rather, Miss Black... I simply can't wrap my mind around the idea of marrying a student. I don't bear you, personally, any ill will." Don't strike me with lightning; she isn't so much of a Know-It-All now. "But the idea of being... er... intimate with a student is so off-putting that I don't see how it could work."

How odd that the idea of being intimate with THIS one of my teachers isn't off-putting at all.

"Well, Professor, I can't honestly say which set of alternatives is worse...yours or mine. But perhaps I can offer you some arguments in my favor."

Snape looked down his nose at her, and one eyebrow quirked up. "Indeed? The alternatives for you must be distasteful if you're going to all this effort to influence me."

I have lost my mind. I am trying to persuade him to marry me, when I know he probably hates me and he definitely hates Harry and Ron. Ron's right, I am definitely MENTAL. Think, Hermione, how bad are the alternatives? Oh, wait, the alternatives ARE worse than Snape. You know that, Hermione. Remember? Firenze or Flitwick are the alternatives. Neither of them will do, and that will bring me back to Snape.

"I'm not looking forward to being fed to a Venomous Tentacula , sir, nor do I want to set up house in a stable."

Hermione looked around at the crowded hall and appealed to Professor Snape. "There is something I think you would be interested in seeing, but I'd rather show it to you in some less-public setting."

He snickered and she blushed.

"I didn't mean THAT."

Oh, by all the gods and goddesses, what does he THINK I am going to do? How did I EVER get myself into this one?

Hermione glared at him and he snickered again.

That ought to scare her away. She thinks I am expecting a snog or worse. Face it, Snivellus, if that DOESN'T frighten her, the chit is either insane or a bloody fool.

"Bring your PROOF to my office, Miss Granger. Dash it all! Miss Black." He got to his feet and watched as she scurried out of the Great Hall.

Then he sighed, swept his robes around himself and swept from the Great Hall.

It doesn't matter what we do, it's all going to end in tears anyway.

~OoO~