Chapter Two

Author's Note: All the characters you recognize belong to J.K. Rowling, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for uncounted hours of enjoyment. I earn no monetary compensation for this story; my only gain is the enjoyment I bring my readers.

Many thanks to CharmedForce and Sempra, betas extraordinaire:) Without their help, the commas would be askew and I wouldn't have had the courage to post this-except they laughed in the right places:)

Chapter Two

~OoO~

Hermione watched with interest as Professor Snape groaned and pounded his head on his empty breakfast plate. She had never seen him do that before, even on days when she suspected he had a hangover. What could the letter have said? Now she was curious. She reached for her own letter and opened it.

By Owl

Department of Magical Vital Statistics

Ministry of Magic

London

To: Hermione Jean Granger Black

Head Girl

Gryffindor House

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Hogsmeade, Scotland

Dear Miss Granger Black,

As part of the Ministry's on-going effort to increase the magical population of Britain, you are required to participate in a survey to determine your bloodlines. Information received from you will be subject to verification. After verification, you will receive a letter containing information about wizards deemed suitable matches for you, based on bloodlines, Arithmantic calculations, OWL and NEWT results (if applicable) and astrological charts so that you can find a mate and sire/bear children.

That would be quite the trick, me siring children. Do be quiet, Hermione, and read your letter.

New laws are being ratified by the Wizengamot even as these letters are being delivered, and participation is mandatory.

Of Special Notice to Hogwarts Students:

The Ministry has the best wishes of every Hogwarts student at heart, except for you, you sneaky, centaur-loving cow! I hope you rot! and it is our expectation that every Hogwarts student will recognize the importance of marrying well and having as many children as health and circumstances will permit. We encourage you to look on the Bloodline Dictated Marriage Act as a golden opportunity to perform a priceless service for the wizarding community. We know you will rise to the occasion and not allow petty things like personal preferences to interfere with doing your DUTY by your fellow witches and wizards, as well as assorted other magical persons who comprise the magical community.

It's just too bad for you, little Gryffindor Princess, that you can't have the Prince Charming you want. The Ministry has no intention of wasting your intelligence and magical power on a Weasley.

Rest assured, Miss Black, the Ministry takes special interest in our rising generation of witches and wizards and will do all within its power to ensure them suitable mates and happy marriages.

Except for you, you vicious little WITCH! Teach you to trick me into the middle of a centaur herd! Make me look stupid!

Hermione didn't recognize the handwriting, but she certainly recognized the signature of Hogwarts' former High Inquisitor. She was surprised that the older woman would hold a grudge this long, but then she remembered what she and her fellow-students at Hogwarts had done to Umbridge. Maybe it's not all that surprising that she is still furious with us. Especially me.

Dolores Umbridge

Clerk

Department of Vital Magical Statistics

~OoO~

January first, the Daily Prophet trumpeted a bold headline:

New Marriage Law

PURE-BLOODS MUST MARRY MUGGLE-BORNS AND HALF-BLOODS!

Ministry predicts 'Baby Boom' for wizarding Britain

In legislation enacted December 31, by a majority of one vote, the new Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act has become law. The law requires British-born witches and wizards who are between the ages of 18 and 50 to submit their bloodlines to the Department of Vital Magical Statistics. In return, such qualified magical persons will be sent a short list of acceptable mates. All betrothals must be approved by the Ministry before any marriages can be performed, and exceptions can only be granted by unanimous vote of the ENTIRE Wizengamot. The new law requires pure-bloods to marry Muggle-borns or half-bloods. All marriages must be contracted within 30 days of receipt of one's list of eligible candidates.

A last minute question as the Wizengamot was leaving their chambers this morning, some of them had to be carried out, as they were too drunk to walk, elicited the response that only one individual in wizarding Britain is exempt from the new law. I refer to the Boy-Who-Lived, Mr. Harry Potter himself, who can marry anyone he chooses, including multiple partners, males, house-elves, or even rabid hippogriffs! The Wizengamot offers this exemption to Mr. Potter as a gesture of appreciation from a grateful nation.

The editor advises Mr. Wonderful not to hold his breath, unless blue is his best color....The Editor

Mr. Wonderful better be wealthy, so as to support this reporter in the style to which she would like to become accustomed, especially if this reporter has to ruin her figure and dirty her fingernails taking care of a passel of squalling brats.

...Rita Skeeter, Girl Reporter...

~OoO~

Hermione, being the law-abiding witch that she was, had filled out her survey and sent it back to the Ministry by return owl. The first day back from holidays, while she was sitting at the breakfast table drinking ordinary cranberry juice, an owl swooped down over her place at the table and dropped yet another letter from the Ministry. She set down her glass and hesitantly reached for it, wondering if this was the list of her suitable mates. She couldn't stop a little frisson of dread from chasing up and down her spine as she opened the envelope.

By Owl

Department of Magical Vital Statistics

Ministry of Magic

London

Miss Hermione Black

Head Girl

Gryffindor House

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Hogsmeade, Scotland

Dear Miss Black,

Your pedigree chart has been received by the Ministry and validated. As a pure-blood witch, the Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act requires you to marry a half-blood or Muggle-born wizard within 30 days from the receipt of this letter.

Your suitable mates, as determined by blood lines, OWL and NEWT scores, if applicable, Arithmantic probabilities, and astrological chart compatibility are, in descending order:

Severus Snape, Professor, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogsmeade, Scotland.

He's smart and he likes to read. Not what I would have chosen for myself but I suppose I could do worse.

Again, there was a handwritten scrawl crammed in between the printed lines of the letter.

Professor Snape is a war hero and very unlikely to pick one of his former students to marry, but he IS your best match, curse you! Just a warning, little Gryffindor WITCH...he is MINE! You will be making a powerful enemy if you try to attract him! Not that there is any reason for him to spare you so much as a glance when there are real WOMEN around who could satisfy him.

Hermione shook her head in amazement at Umbridge's tenacity and long memory.

I wonder who the real women are.

Filius Flitwick, Professor, Charms, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogsmeade, Scotland.

That's DEFINITELY worse. Professor Sprout would feed me to one of her more vicious plants if I even look at Flitwick!

Firenze,Professor, Divination, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogsmeade, Scotland.

I have to wonder what they were smoking when they came up with this list.

Enclosed you will find form 2221B, ( Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act Prenuptial Agreement,) and form 3331B, ( Bloodline-Dictated Marriage Act Marriage Certificate.) Form 2221B must be filled out completely by both parties and returned to the Ministry before any nuptial ceremony is entered into. Form 3331B must be filled out at the time of the marriage ceremony, by both parties, the officiator of the ceremony, and two mentally competent witnesses.

My gosh, you'd think we were Muggle rock stars.

Your marriage will be ratified upon verification of the consummation of your union.

Ewww! I REALLY didn't need to know that!

In closing, please bear in mind that you have thirty (30) days from receipt of this letter to contract and solemnize your marriage. Consequences for failing to do so will result in penalties ranging from 14 days in Azkaban Prison to wand-snapping and banishment to the Muggle world.

With all good wishes for your future happiness,

I remain your obedient servant,

JUST the REQUIRED signature; don't get any ideas, you impertinent chit!

Dolores Umbridge

Clerk

Department of Magical Vital Statistics

Looking at the Head Table, Hermione squared her shoulders.

Now, how do I go about persuading Professor Snape to marry me?

~OoO~