Teasing and Temptations

Warning: Don't drink and drive, and don't drink and read. May be harmful to health. (Particularly the former.)

Thanks very much to my beta--oh, what? Can't say the name, you say? Well, bother. Thanks anyway!

To: Alice Sparks

The gods continue to tempt me by dangling your beautiful image before me whenever my eyes slip closed. I have no respite from it...only the knowledge that sleep is no longer safe for me when you continue to appear in my subconscious like a blue-eyed siren, constantly calling me to you. It's always the same: we kiss, passionately yet tenderly, as I tangle my hands into your strawberry-blonde curls. You run your hands along my chest and torso, tracing the lines and scars beneath the rippling muscles, and sigh. 'Lucius,' you moan into my mouth, and I move my lips to your neck as my hands slip away from your hair and further into unknown, exciting territory. My gentle hands move to caress your breasts, sliding your brassiere off in one smooth move as my fingers take hold of your...

Oh, damn and blast. Narcissa's trying to read over my shoulder.

Merlin's cravat... I've married a fishwife.

I will write to you again as soon as she disappears. 'Til then, my beautiful, blue-eyed siren.

Yours always,

Lucius

To: Hermione Granger

I was at Hogsmeade this weekend, with colleagues at the Three Broomsticks, when you and Snape walked in and sat down for a drink! Please tell me I was dreaming, 'Mione. Or is this the real reason why you dumped me? For Snape?

Say it isn't so. Merlin, Hermione, I love you. Are you really going to blow me off for that greasy git?

Yours forever,

Ron

To: Toby P.

I must admit, I'm very surprised. You see, I didn't put that advertisement in...my friend did it for me. I told myself that I would steadfastly ignore any letter that was sent my way on principle.

Having said that, your letter has piqued my curiosity. I hadn't considered the effect of non-Latin curses, but now that you've mentioned it, I'm sure that it must have an effect on the outcome of the spell. I wonder if there are different brands of magic that we, as British wizards and witches, are unaware of. Perhaps the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, for example, use different brands of magic in their own tongue? Anyway, I spent last night researching it, and I've attached my findings on the back of this letter. I'd love to know what you think of it.

By the way, please call me MJ (like the abbreviation for Mary-Jane, though that's not what it stands for). 'Miss M' is such a silly nickname, but I like the idea of anonymity, at least for now. It lends a certain brand of excitement into my recently very boring existence. Also, mine is a well-known name around these parts; I would hate for you to form an opinion of me when we have just barely met.

– M.J.

To: Won-Won Weasley

Oh no. You caught me; the game's up. I dumped you for Snape.

Nothing to do with you cheating on me. Nothing whatsoever.

To: Hermione Granger

Are you out of your mind? You're dating Snape?! I bet he slipped something into your drink. No way could you have dumped me for him without some sort of influence, right?

Right???

Yours,

Ron

To: A Particular Git I Am Unfortunately Acquainted With, Esq.

Did you know that gullible was taken out of the English dictionary?

– H.

P.S. It's a trick question.

To: Hermione Granger

Stop teasing Ron. You know he doesn't have a sense of humour when it comes to you and other men. But thanks for the laugh, anyway.

Love,

Harry

P.S. How about a drink at the Three Broomsticks next weekend? I'll put the tab on my brand-spanking-new Team Leader Auror's salary.

To: Harry Potter

I take it he showed you the letters, then. I appreciate you not taking sides, Harry, and I know it's hard for you. But I really can't accept his apology, not with all the bullshit that comes with it. Ask me another day.

And I know you wanted us to marry and live happily-ever-after, because that's the kind of person you are, and why I love you (among other things). But it was never meant to be; I see that now. I need someone whose daily conversation is not limited to Quidditch, broomsticks, women and sex. And Ron wants someone like Mrs Weasley, who will marry him and happily bear six (or more) children for him. Someone who would be willing to give up her job for a family. You know I can't do that, Harry. My work is everything to me. As much as I would like to have children, I refuse to give it all up for a man who's too selfish to realise that there are some things you have to reach a compromise on. This just wasn't possible between us.

In some ways, I'm kind of relieved that he cheated on me. Dumping Ron on any other terms would have meant that I'd be shunned by the Weasley family. Even if we didn't work out, I'd hate that. Mrs Weasley has been so wonderful to me, and I've already been on the receiving end of her wrath when it comes to her son and romance. (Remember the Easter egg episode, fourth year?)

This way, I stay in everyone's good graces (as it should be), and I'm no longer shackled to someone I don't want to spend the rest of my life with.

Well, it's over. I wish him luck with Lavender Brown.

How are Daphne and little Sasha? I love that child. Auntie 'Minnie' might have to stop by and say hello soon. And congratulations!! That's really wonderful to hear. You'll have to tell me all about it when we meet up. Drinks sound lovely. How about Friday? I've got the nightshift for rounds next Saturday.

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

Well, actually, Ron's been a little sore lately, with you dumping him, my promotion to Team Leader and Ginny dating his supposed arch-nemesis. Despite the fact that the rest of us all know that Draco's been practically disinherited since he did that complete turnaround, what with us becoming friends, and him becoming DADA professor at Hogwarts and dating Ginny, Ron doesn't appear to have gotten a clue yet. It was already apparently a big deal for him when I went ahead and married Daphne last year, because according to him, 'Gryffindors and Slytherins just don't mix' and 'Daphne Greengrass is no better than Draco Malfoy'.

Unsurprisingly, I haven't gone out of my way to talk to him since that whole debacle, even if he doesn't bring it up anymore.

Plus, word on the street is, Lavender dumped him for not lasting longer than five minutes! Ouch.

So if he does anything crazy... well, not that I would condone anything he ends up doing, but just keep those things in mind.

You're right, I am disappointed, but I trust you, and more often than not that's usually a good idea when it comes to you. So if you're bent on making this decision, it's probably because you're right. He doesn't talk to me much anymore, and I can't say I've made the biggest effort either. It's a little weird, really. I don't know how many times you can say 'I didn't ask for a promotion', but I'm definitely hitting the limit.

I've got to go, we've got a Leaders meeting in ten minutes, and I thought I'd see how Daphne and Sasha are. They're doing really well; Sasha's been chewing on just about everything she can find. And I bought her that toy broomstick like you suggested, and she loves it. She just keeps zooming around the place like the mad little Quidditch tyke she is. Please come over, Sasha loves seeing her godmother, and Daphne could do with the company.

See you soon!

Love,

Harry

To: Hermione Granger

Draco's off to get some supplies for tomorrow, so I thought I'd drop you a line. How was the Hogsmeade weekend with Snape? I hope it wasn't too terrible. And anyway, I bet you gave him as good as you got.

Marseille is wonderful. Draco and I have been together for almost forty-eight glorious hours, and even though we have to go back tomorrow, we're more than making it up. The other good news is that Malfoy Sr. never comes around here, even though Draco's not sure why. So, no rancour between houses and no interruptions; just the two of us. And the weather is surprisingly pleasant for October. I wish you could be here, you would absolutely love it.

Oops, Draco's back. Must run, but reply soon!

– Ginny xoxo

To: Ginny Weasley

It was pretty predictable, actually. Lots of insults, snarkiness and general lambasting of one another. As much as I dislike having my appearance, heritage, choice in friends, romantic relationships, family, career choice (a particularly ironic one) and countless other things insulted, it was secretly kind of enjoyable. I can't think of anyone else who could keep up with me in verbal abuse.

The first half was kind of awkward because we tried to avoid talking as much as possible. But once we got started, it was non-stop sparring. We even went to the Three Broomsticks to order drinks and continue to cheerfully insult each other. And that's apparently where Ron spotted me and later accused me of dumping him for Snape.

But that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Put it this way: I'm all out of creative insults. I'll have to spend all of tomorrow making up suitably appropriate new ones.

As wonderful as it sounds, I'd rather not be the third wheel, thanks. And anyway, I'm pretty sure Draco would want you all to himself. Speaking of, has he popped the question yet?

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

Wouldn't it be terribly hilarious if Snape turned out to be T.P.?

...Hah! I crack myself up.

Incidentally, Harry told me about the incident with Ron. It was awfully amusing because, really, Ron was asking for it. I hope you do end up hooking up with this T.P. fellow, just to spite him. But that's the kind of horrible sister I am.

Sadly, no. I can tell he means it when he says he loves me, but dear Merlin, I wish he'd get on with it already. Believe me, though: next weekend, I'm setting up a weekend escape at Malfoy Manor, and then I'm going to go exploring. Maybe he's hidden it in his bedroom drawer?

Or perhaps it's all just wishful thinking. Sigh.

– Ginny xoxo

To: Ginny Weasley

Oh, Ginny. Chances are, he's just waiting until your Auror training is over. Because then you two can live together, either at Hogwarts or at Malfoy Manor. As much as I (platonically) love Draco, he's a spoiled brat. He'll move heaven and earth to get what he wants. And right now, my lucky friend, that's you.

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

Learn to keep your mutt on a leash, Granger, or I'll put poison in his watering bowl.

Unimpressedly,

S.S.

To: Minerva McGonagall

Minerva, I'm so sorry. I had no idea Ron would take what I said to heart. He has this completely mad idea that I'm dating Professor Snape because he saw us together at the Three Broomsticks on Saturday morning when we were on Hogsmeade duty. Now he thinks I've been having an affair behind his back, despite the fact that I dumped him for the whole Lavender Brown thing.

I should really have him committed, or checked out at the very least.

I'll even replace the pot he broke out of my salary. And I'll send a note to Professor Snape to say I'm sorry, too. It was all my fault, and it's my responsibility to deal with it.

I really do apologise for all the trouble. Please don't fire me.

Sincerely,

Hermione

To: Professor Snape

As much as I hate agreeing with you, please be my guest. I've had about all I can take of Ron's antics lately.

I'm not sorry, though. It wasn't my fault.

– Hermione Granger

To: Hermione Granger

Oh, Hermione dear, of course I won't fire you. You're one of the best Arithmancy teachers Hogwarts has seen, and that includes dear Septima Vector, bless her soul. In any case, it wasn't your fault.

And you will charge that vase to Mr Weasley, thank you very much. He's got his own salary now, so he'd better learn to pay for his own mistakes.

If you're free tonight, come up to my office. I've just gotten a fresh batch of scotch-whisky, and you can tell me all about this history of yours.

– Minerva

To: Mr. Ronald Weasley

Please find attached bills for the following:

Healing Potions used to treat Severus Snape: 3 Galleons, 4 Sickles, 6 Knuts

Replacement of broken vials: 7 Galleons

Contaminated Potions ingredients: 30 Galleons, 14 Sickles

Minerva's favourite vase: 60 Galleons

Expression on your face when you receive this: Priceless.

Gleefully,

S.S.

A/N: Thanks once again for the astonishing number of reviews! They are wonderful. :)