Vultures

A/N: I'm so so sorry about the huge wait! Thanks to everyone for their continued support, particularly my beta, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or You-Know-'Oo. I've been incredibly busy, but thought I'd slide a chapter in before the deadline, just to remind you all about me. ;)

Not the funniest of chapters, but we needed a sensitive one at some point, right?

As usual, keep all things edible away from your computer, there, that's better. It will thank you for it someday.

To: Severus Snape

Not to be a party-pooper, Sev, but it's already November. The clock is ticking. Tell me you've been laid. Please? Alice is driving me nutters. She's just bought a bloody volume of French poetry. French poetry! Merlin's fucking cravat, Severus, she doesn't even speak French! She said she bought it because it 'looked pretty'.

If it weren't for all this 'reformed Death Eater' Thestral shit, my hands would be around that pretty little neck of hers in a second.

Lucius

P.S. Don't say it.

To: Lucius Malfoy

For Merlin's sake, Lucius, don't send me things like that. If that reached someone other than me, we'd probably both be thrown in Azkaban.

Well, you would probably deserve it, but let me tell you, I have better things to do than to let Dementors try and suck my soul out.

To answer your question, no, I haven't. And anyway, what am I getting out of this, besides a shag that I don't even want, let alone need? You will receive Yaxley's mansion in Spain, and Narcissa out of your hair.

I am forced to continue corresponding with a woman who, for all I know, might not even be a woman. Who is possibly a wizard in his late hundreds with a penchant for... oh Merlin, I don't even want to think about it.

Or a troll using a Dictoquill. Oh gods.

Disturbed,

S.S.

P.S. I told you so.

To: Severus Snape

Don't be daft. A troll wouldn't know the difference between a Dictoquill and a piece of meat.

Well, it might, but I doubt it.

Lucius

To: Lucius Malfoy

Thank you, Lucius. That was very comforting. Now I can sleep in peace at night, knowing my correspondent who may or may not be human, let alone female, isn't stupid enough to be a troll. That really limits the possibilities, doesn't it?

Disgustedly,

Severus

To: Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy and All Redheads Associated With 'Weasley'

Daphne told me to make proper invitations but I can't be bothered, and you're all welcome whenever you want to come, so to hell with formalities.

(Nevertheless, you probably shouldn't let her see this.)

Anyways, so we (that is, Daphne, Sasha and I) are having a barbecue this Saturday at my place and you're all invited. Feel free to bring friends and booze and such. As usual, there's only one rule: have fun!

– Harry

To: Hermione Granger

Hermione, I am so, so, so sorry about Ron. He shouldn't have brought Lavender, for one thing, and secondly, the things he said to you were completely out of line. I just don't know what's gotten into him lately. I would talk to him, but he just isn't the same person anymore. He won't speak to me because of Daphne and the promotion, he won't speak to Ginny because of Draco, and now he's gone off his rocker when he was the one at fault.

Ron is hereby banished from all Potter family events and probably from most Weasley events, too, until he apologises to you.

I hope you're alright. Write back soon.

– Harry

P.S. Hermione, this is Daphne. Harry said most of what's on my mind, but if you need a little bit of cheering up, you know our door is always open.

To: Hermione Granger

Darling, are you alright? Would you like me to send Fred and George after him?

– Ginny xoxo

To: Harry & Daphne Potter, Ginny Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Fred & George Weasley

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm fine, really. If Ron wants to break his ties with us then let him. We have tried to reach out to him and clearly it isn't working. When he's ready to grow up and accept our decisions, then I can forgive him.

Harry, please don't apologise for him. He is being a fuckwit and you know it. Daphne, being called a 'slut' and other similar things beginning with 's' is nothing compared to the rudeness he showed towards you by turning up at your house, for your party, eating your food, and then treating you this way. That's far, far worse.

Thank you, Ginny, but that won't be necessary. Whenever you're free, though, let's have a drink. It'll be on me.

Draco, thank you for the beautiful new eagle quill. No, I will not be using it to stab him, but I'll keep it in mind anyway.

Fred and George, much as I disapprove of the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, I have to admit that there are some pretty impressive tricks in that box set. Maybe if Ron ever comes around again...

I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love,

Hermione

To: Ron Weasley

You spineless, turdfaced prick.

I'm telling Mum.

– Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley

You wouldn't.

– Ron

To: Ron Weasley

Weasley, if you must receive a Howler, do it on your own time, would you? I don't think there was anyone in Calais that didn't hear your mother's colourful use of alliteration.

Kingsley Shacklebolt

To: Toby P.

I actually received your last letter a few days ago, so I'm sorry I haven't replied until now. I've just had a really upsetting week, and I thought it would be nice to talk to someone who wasn't involved in what happened. Suffice to say that someone I considered a friend is most assuredly not anymore.

How was your week? Better than mine, I hope. Tell me something about yourself. I'd like to get to know you better. I feel like I've known you for years, like an old friend whose name is at the back of my mind. I really hope someday we can meet. Your letters have been the highlight of my last few weeks, and writing to you is incredibly therapeutic.

– M.J.

To: Mary Jane

Don't worry about it. Your letter was wonderful to read; I don't think anyone has ever told me such a thing, and if you knew me personally, you probably would not be surprised, either.

Nevertheless, now I'm worried. Is everything alright? I'm assuming you don't want to talk about it. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Let's discuss other things.

Something about me? Well, I love Potions. Doesn't seem very interesting, but it is my passion and I do not apologise for it. Ever since I was in school, it has been an interest of mine, and I have since continued to pursue it. I hope one day to be able to research and develop new potions, but I am content where I am for now.

Speaking of which, have you read the latest article in Ars Alchemica about the purity of Amazonian ingredients? Frankly I'm surprised this is a new thing. I thought it was common knowledge that wood from the Amazon rainforest would obviously be better quality in potions that use tropical woods, such as the Blood-Replenishing Potion. I've attached a copy of my notes along with this letter. I would be interested to read your opinions.

I hope it makes you feel better.

Sincerely,

T.P.

To: Toby P.

Ah, a man after my own heart. Toby, of course it made me feel better. Oh, but you wouldn't know that about me. Well, I love to learn. Especially Potions. It was one of my best subjects at school, although my professor didn't like me very much. Well, I liked all of my subjects, really. Except for Divination, that was a load of nonsense. Oops, no offence meant, if you believe in it. I just... don't.

I wrote my stuff on the sheet, but I have to say, your notes are brilliant. I had never considered that precious minerals from the Amazon Basin could be used in potions with such dramatically increased effects. Of course, they would have to be used sparingly. But, Toby, some of your notes... if you applied them to things like medical research, your contributions would be invaluable. You could save lives! If doing R&D for potions is what you want to do, then I would say, absolutely go for it. As far as I can tell, you're amazing.

You must attend a lot of conferences. Probably some of the same ones as me. Merlin, we've probably even met and I have no idea! Oh, now I'm very curious.

– M.J.

To: Ginny Weasley

Let's go out for dinner tonight. I have a surprise for you.

Love you,

Draco

To: Hermione Granger, Harry & Daphne Potter, Fred & George Weasley, Molly & Arthur Weasley

HE PROPOSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!