Lost in Translation

Warning: Do not eat or drink while reading unless the monitor is due for a good spit on. (Thanks to Ravenswing for this one!)

I'm really enjoying the guessing games regarding what M.J. stands for, so I'll pit you all against each other and see who can come up with it first. (No cheating!) 100 house points for the correct answer and 50 house points for the most creative answer! Good luck!

Thank you to my wonderful and very hard-working beta...oh no, not again. Fine, see if I care!

To: Severus Snape

You bastard! How the bloody hell am I supposed to pay for all of this? I'll go bankrupt!

–Ron Weasley

To: Ronald Weasley

Far be it from me to care. After all, no one asked you to try and loosen some of my molars.

You are what Rev. Spooner would have described as 'a shining wit'.

Write me again next year when you figure that out. Or is this being too optimistic?

Insincerely,

S.S.

P.S. Actually, don't ever write to me again.

To: Harry Potter

I'm seriously thinking about having Ron committed.

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger

Oh boy. I really have been out of the loop lately. What's he done this time?

– Harry

To: Harry Potter

He actually tried to beat Snape up.

Snape, Harry.

As in, Severus 'I-Helped-Kill-Lord-Voldybutt-With-My-Mind' Snape.

Merlin, but fist-fighting for Snape must be child's play considering what he had to go through.

Of course, he's still a bastard and all. But let's at least give him the credit for being a bastard who you'd think twice about before going up against.

Needless to say, Ron got slapped with a bill that's about three times the size of his monthly rent, not to mention Snape's wrath. Who knows what we'll find if Ron comes around again? Snape will probably a) poison him, b) turn him into a howler monkey or c) set up wards against him.

It doesn't look too good.

– Hermione

To: Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley

Dear all,

Once again, I apologise for all the trouble Ron caused by coming to Hogwarts. However, I am honestly quite worried about Ron. Negative publicity could seriously harm his career if this ever got into the hands of the press. I would never do something like that to him, even after everything.

I would very much appreciate it if everyone kept this incident to themselves.

Thank you.

– Hermione

To: Rubeus Hagrid

Did you hear about the incident with Ron? Rumour has it, Hermione cheated on him with Severus! Can you believe it? Though I heard that Hermione dumped him for cheating on her with Lavender Brown!

I do so love our alumni.

– Stella

To: Stella Sinistra

And Ron actually managed to break his nose? Again?

What is it with Gryffindors and Severus' poor nose?

– Filius

To: Filius Flitwick

I heard it was something to do with Harry and Daphne Greengrass.

But Sasha is such an adorable baby. Any feuding should have really ended right there.

– Pomona

To: Pomona Sprout

I'll bet you ten Galleons that the relationship between Hermione and Severus doesn't last past the bedroom.

– Stella

To: Stella Sinistra

Dear, there is no relationship between them.

I believe you just lost ten Galleons!

– Pomona

To: Mary Jane

Although you told me already that this is not what 'MJ' stands for, I quite like having a name to give you. It makes you a little more real, you see. Thus, I will call you Mary Jane, as you refer to me as Toby.

I apologise for not replying sooner. I had a little bit of... trouble. It's been dealt with, however.

Regarding your theories, I agree with almost everything except your comment about the side effects of using German as a possible substitute for creating spells due to its notoriously difficult pronunciation.

Frankly, you would have to be a complete dunderhead to create a spell in any language that you weren't absolutely sure you could pronounce with confidence. Merlin knows that even French is doomed. 'Lingerie', for your information, is not actually pronounced, as we 'Anglo-Saxons' have murdered it, 'lon-je-ray', or even 'lon-je-ree'.

It's 'lan-jree.'

À bientôt,

Toby P.

To: Toby P.

True, but think about all those umlauts.

And no one really knows how to pronounce 'schadenfreude'.

Even if it applies to them.

– M.J.

P.S. Honestly, it's a relief to hear from you. There was an incident here, too, and my colleagues are driving me round the bend.

To: Mary Jane

I beg to differ. I know exactly how to pronounce it.

Now Arabic is when it gets fun.

Or Zulu. Think about all that clicking of the tongue and whistling.

One wrong click and there goes your head.

Pondering decapitation,

T.P.

To: Toby P.

Exactly how many heads have you seen blown off by one wrong click?

That's what I'd like to know.

And anyway, I could think of much harder languages. Mandarin, for example.

'Ni hao ma' means three things depending on the sound of the 'a': hello, hello Mum, and hello horse.

I can just see the headlines now: 'MUM BECOMES MARE IN THREE SYLLABLES'.

– M.J.

To: Mary Jane

That orange stain on the parchment next to your name is where I laughed so hard that pumpkin juice came out of my nose.

Look what you made me do.

Still laughing,

T.P.

To: Severus Snape

I just thought I'd let you know that I've actually met the love of my life.

Or, at least, the lust of my life.

Lucius

To: Lucius Malfoy

You mean your mirror?

Sneeringly,

S.S.

To: Severus Snape

Ha ha fucking ha. No, Severus. Remember Alice? Same year as you, Ravenclaw? Looks like that famous Muggle, only slimmer: what was her name? Mary-Lynn... something. Mondo? Monlow?

I just bet you do.

Lucius

P.S. So now you're deigning to talk to me again?

To: Lucius Malfoy

You're kidding me.

Alice? As in, Alice Sparks? Blue-eyed, red-haired, richer-than-you Alice?

Oh Merlin. Now you're in for it. I should know.

And it's Marilyn Monroe.

Astonished,

S.S.

P.S. And no. I'm insulting you. There is a difference, you know.

To: Severus Snape

That's the one. And what do you mean you should know?

Please don't tell me you've shagged Alice. That would just ruin everything.

Lucius

To: Lucius Malfoy

Whatever makes you happy.

Amusedly,

S.S.

P.S. I personally think her sister Isabelle was much better in bed.

To: Severus Snape

I can't even speak to you anymore.

Lucius

To: Minerva McGonagall

Merlin's bollocks. Lucius has done the unthinkable.

He's actually shagging Alice Sparks.

Shocked,

S.S

To: Severus Snape

I remember Alice. Such a dear girl, and so pretty, too. Why would that be a bad thing?

I mean, besides the fact that Lucius is married, of course.

– Minerva

To: Minerva McGonagall

Put it this way: Narcissa is by far the better deal. At least he can placate her with a few diamonds.

Now Alice, on the other hand, is a whole other kettle of fish.

Oh, it starts out well enough. She's a great shag, no doubt about it. And having her on your arm to attend functions...self explanatory.

Then she takes all of your money out of your bank account and spends it on the most ridiculous things you can imagine. Books (that she'll never read) to match her cushion covers. Robes she found in the Witch Weekly that she doesn't even actually like, just that someone told her they were 'in' that season. Pointless postmodern sculptures that you can't make head or tail of.

And when you demand your money back, she lapses into hour-long crying jags. Even though she can afford everything perfectly well herself. Only, she conveniently 'forgets' her purse whenever she's out with you, of course.

And then comes the clingy phase. Why haven't you returned my letters, Severus? Why won't you come and see me? Why don't we ever go out to Madam Puddifoot's, like normal couples?

And then you wonder why I haven't dated since I was twenty.

Nostalgically,

S.S.

To: Severus Snape

Merlin's tartan, I had no idea. She was one of my favourite students, too.

I suppose that tells you just how much of a distinction there is between one's school personality and one's real personality.

– Minerva

To: Minerva McGonagall

Quite.

Well, I wish him luck. She isn't my problem anymore, thank Merlin.

Relieved,

S.S.